Text-Files: The Lost Causes of a Broken Heart

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Nothing major. :3

Disclaimer: None of the characters featured in this fic belong to me or any of the other writers. They all belong respectively to Jhonen Vasquiz

Author of this chapter: Andalite-bandit6

CHAPTER 3: Mild Stupidity of the Irken Kind

The knocking on Zim's front steps felt like they were being made against his own skull. He hadn't gotten any rest at all, and in fact he felt more tired than before. This combination made him VERY irritable.

"Computer!" he said in annoyance. "Disintegrate whoever's at the door! I'm in no mood to deal with anymore human filthies today!"

That said, he rolled over onto his stomach and covered his head with a filthy throw pillow.

The computer was busy playing 'Pong' and didn't feel like getting the door either. "Uh-huh," it muttered dutifully as it activated the house gnomes and put them on auto-pilot.

"Zim? Hey, Zim, open up! I need to talk to y..."

Dib cut himself short at the familiar humming that was the sound of machinery waking up. He turned to face the squadron of Santa's Village rejects bearing down on him, their glassy eyes glowing red as they spotted their target.

"Er... Zim? ZIM! Come on, I just wanted to- eep!"

Dodging the first volley of lasers Dib combat rolled to the side, leaping atop the only lawn decorations not attacking him, the blowfish.

"ZI... GIR!" Dib changed tactics on a whim. "Pizza delivery!"

"ZAAA!" screeched a flying robot, as it slammed into him from atop the roof. How come Dib hadn't seen him up there?

"Oof!" Dib said as he and the SIR unit collided with and uprooted the entire left side of the security system.

"WHERE IS IT?! WHERE IS EET?! Does it gots bacon bits in it? And soap? I likes the bubbles!"

"Um," Dib peeked at the two remaining gnomes and realized he was still in danger. "I already delivered it! It's inside your house somewhere! Let me in and I'll help you look!"

"Ooo, Hide-and-Squeek!" Gir clapped his hands together joyfully. "Me and Moose play that all the time! You get to be the 'penguin'!"

Plopping a little purple octopus plushy on Dib's head, Gir took his hand and zoomed towards the house amidst another burst of laser fire... straight for the solidly closed 'Mens room' door.

"AAAHHH!" Dib cried, shielding his face with his free hand.

"AHHH!" cried Zim as woke up to the sound of his front door exploding and something slammed up against his couch.

"YOU'RE IT!" cried Gir racing to hide, rather obviously, in a corner of the room.

"Wah?" Zim looked from Gir to the door and back several times, each time repeating "Wah?"

"Oww..." came a sound from the end of Zim's couch.

"Wah?" said Zim.

As the owner of the voice stood up, Zim was torn between throwing the boy out and throwing himself upon him. He decided the usual greeting was in order.

"DIB-STINK! YOU'RE AFTER MY ROBOT BEE! WELL YOU'LL NEVER FIND OUT THAT IT'S HIDDEN IN THE TOP DRAWER OF MY BASEMENT STORAGE CABINET NEXT TO THE PLANS FOR THE LASER WEASELS! NEVER!"

"You just told me it's in the top drawer of your basement storage cabinet next to your plans for the laser weasels..." Dib said irritably as he stood brushing dirt and octopus from his hair. "But, no, I'm not here for your stupid bee! (Though the weasels sound like something I should investigate later). I just want to TALK."

Dib took a step forward, causing Zim to scamper back, trip over himself, and fall on his little irken butt. His first reaction was to sulk. Of all beings in the universe, why did he have to fall for one with such an ENORMOUSLY large head? "AHH! GET AWAY FROM MY ORGANS!" Zim reached out and threw the first thing his hand came in contact with at the human.

Dib caught the couch seat as it came flying at him and used it as a shield while continuing to advance on the invader. "Hey, cut it out! I'm not here to capture and expose you today, alright?" Dib reached into his pocket and pulled out the note with a free hand. "You're the one who wrote this, aren't you?"

"LIES!" Zim leapt to his feet and pointed defiantly at the scribble covered parchment.

Dib held the letter up above his make-shift shield. "I'm pretty sure that's your name scribbled out at the bottom of the note."

"FILTHY HUMAN LIES!" Zim was shaking a little now. "YOU HAVE NO PROOF!"

Dib dangled the note in his hand. "I'm kinda holding the proof an inch above my head. Stop being stupid!"

"NEVER!" Zim screeched, extending his spider legs to tower over his lov- er, despised enemy!

"Oh yeah?! Well you..." Dib shook his head. He didn't come here for this. "You... like me, right?"

Zim faltered in his righteous indignation. "Um... N-NO!" He blushed unwittingly. "Or... maybe."

His spider legs collapsing back into his PAK, Zim stood, looking a little shy and mooshing his foot in the ground in front of him. "That is, if Zim were even CAPABLE of such a pathetic emotion, he might possibly, probably, perhaps, hypothetically like you... a little... maybe."

"Really?" Dib lowered his eyes, pondering the consequences of his next actions. It could be he was doing the right thing for the wrong reasons... or maybe the wrong thing for the right reasons. Or maybe the wrong thing for the wrong reason. Or maybe he shouldn't have replaced that last empty soda can back in the fridge... but eventually decided to go ahead with it. "Well, what would you do if I said-"

"Say what?" Zim looked up at him.

"If I said that-"

"WHAT?!"

"That I might-"

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!"

"I'M SAYING-"

"JUST SAY IT ALREADY!"

"I MIGHT LIKE YOU TOO!"

"... WHAAAAAT?!"

Dib took a breath and calmed himself. "I said-"

"Zim heard what you said!" Zim replied huffily. "No need to yell at me, earth-monkey!"

Dib grit his teeth. Why was he doing this again? Saving the world or something like that...

"Okay. Alright... so it's established that we might possibly, probably, perhaps, hypothetically like each other. Now what? Our life goals kinda clash... you gonna give up invading Earth now or something?"

Zim smiled arrogantly. Finally an Earth matter he knew more about than the resident worm-baby!

"Heeheeheeeee!" he cackled, grinning knowingly and advancing on the Dib. "Foolish Dib-stink! It is very obvious to Zim what must happen now..."

Dib gulped, not liking the look in Zim's eyes and taking a step back, holding the sofa seat protectively to his chest. "Oh y-yeah? And what's that?"