Title: The Hetalian Monster

Song: Monster

Monster: Relationships

Saying that Lithuania had bad luck with relationships was like saying that Italy liked pasta. It was an obvious statement that did not need to be said.

Things had been rough from the beginning. Being a Pagan, he had been targeted by Christian crusaders after Mindaugas, his beloved king, had been assassinated during the 13th century. Sure, things got a little bit better in the 14th century, as he had been the largest country in Europe at the time. He had owned not only all of his present-day territory but also parts of present Ukraine, Belarus, Poland, and Russia. Then, in 1385, he and Poland had joined as allies through their bosses.

That was the first relationship.

And the first disaster.

The aristocracy did not approve of the blonde. "Look how flamboyant he is!" Lithuania could remember one noblewoman say. "And he's so childish. Don't be surprised if all we have running around here one day are ponies!"

The rest of the upper class agreed with this noblewoman, and Lithuania found himself at a loss for what to do. Poland was his good friend; he couldn't just leave him! Poland was like a bright, shiny light that helped Lithuania see through the darkest of times. He had been there even before the two countries had joined together.

"This will be, like, totally awesome!" Poland had cheered on the day they had become one. "We're gonna be best friends for life, Liet, totally!"

He couldn't do it.

Thankfully, he didn't have to.

"That bastard Russia!" Lithuania's boss at the time shouted. "He thinks he can take over our territories! Well, we'll show him. We'll strengthen our bond with Poland."

Lithuania stared wide-eyed at his boss. This was great! Russia's attempts at invading his country had been a blessing in disguise, and this gave him the perfect excuse to stay with Poland. Nodding seriously but doing a victory dance on the inside, Lithuania agreed to his boss's orders and went to find his best friend. He had to tell him the good news!

And so, in 1569, the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth was formed. "This is totally cool," Poland squealed. "We're gonna be awesome like this, Liet, totally!"

Lithuania just smiled. He stood there, next to his boss, holding Poland's hand as the documents were signed. Yes, he kept thinking, this will keep both of us safe from Russia. In fact, no one will question us! We're one country under each other's protection.

And then, out of nowhere, a thought struck the brunette. It crashed down to his head like a bolt of lightning and shook his brain, making a shiver go down his spine. "HOLD IT!!" he shouted as soon as he came to. He slammed his hands down on the table before him and stared at his boss. "I mean...I have something to say." He panted quietly and blushed, realizing what he had done. After clearing his throat, he said, very calmly, "I would appreciate it if Poland and I could be...together but separate." He gulped, realizing that his statement had made no sense. As if the confused look from Poland wasn't enough of a sign.

"Um, Liet?" he asked, standing awkwardly still. "Like...what the hell are you talking about?"

"I just want to have my own institutions!" Lithuania defended. "You know, my own currency, army, culture...Poland, I want your protection, and I want us to be unified friends, but..."

Suddenly, Poland smiled gently. "It's okay, Liet, I totally know what you mean."

Lithuania slowly straightened himself and stood normally, somewhat in shock. "You...do?"

The blonde nodded. "It's only natural. You've been such a strong country for such a long time that the thought of totally merging with me has you scared. I get it." Turning to his own boss, Poland grinned. "Let's do it. Let Liet have what he wants. Like, I don't mind."

Lithuania could feel his heart swell with joy. Poland really was the best friend he could possibly have. He smiled so happily and took his friend's hands.

"Ačiū."

"Proszę bardzo."

And, with everything in order, they left.

When Poland got home, he went to his room and slammed the door behind him. "That was a bitch move, Liet," he hissed. "You think you can have my loyalty and protection without anything else? Yeah, right. Bitch, you're going down."

It came so quickly Lithuania didn't even know what had hit him.

Polonization.

Before he knew it, everything about him was different. Politics. Language. Food. Music. Art. Culture. National identity. Everything. Lithuania didn't feel like Lithuania anymore. Everything he had once been was gone. Polish royalty was being elected into his government. He was speaking like a Pollack. His food tasted different. Italy's influence had added to Poland's during the Renaissance, and, even though art flourished in his country, it wasn't the same. His people...Did they even notice? They just kept going on with their daily lives, accepting all these influences that were coming seemingly out of nowhere. This wasn't Lithuania! This was the country formerly known Lithuania that had undergone major surgery. What the hell?

Finally, Lithuania couldn't take it anymore. He ran to Poland.

"This isn't working!" he cried. "I want to be my own independent nation, and you're not helping! Take your stupid influences and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!"

Poland didn't take it well.

"You were a little bitch to me first, Liet," the blonde hissed. "Expecting everything from me but not accepting any of me. You totally suck at this relationship thing, Liet." He turned and gathered his things, preparing to separate. "Like, may all your relationships be cursed to end in disaster from now on."

And he left.

But nothing was getting better.

By the middle of the 17th century, Lithuania felt as though he truly had been cursed. Sweden had come into his country and, without sparing a single soul, ravaged the land, taking whatever he could. Towards the end of the battles, Lithuania could do nothing but cry, as he knew his plight would not end when the Scandinavian country grew tired of him.

"W'n't be th'nly 'ne," Sweden murmured as he walked off with his army, satisfied with his victory. "M're 're c'ming."

And he was right. Throughout all of the 18th century, Lithuania was partitioned. First came the bastard who had caused all this trouble in the first place.

"Lithuania is so cute, da?" Russia asked as he knelt down to trembling, sobbing brunette. "One day, you'll become a part of me, be sure of it. Other countries want you right now, and I know I won't have you for too long." A sweet, innocent smile. "But...mark my words...you'll be mine."

Lithuania couldn't even process all this in his war-torn mind. He didn't have Poland's protection anymore, so there was no one to save him from the huge, deranged country before him. Sweden had screwed him over and taken everything he had leftover from his early days. Now Russia was there, kneeling in front of him, an innocent look on his face and a menacing aura surrounding him.

That was it.

"I WON'T BELONG TO YOU!!" Lithuania screamed as Russia got up and prepared for his journey home. "I AM MY OWN COUNTRY. I AM LITHUANIA." His voice cracked and he collapsed into the icy mud on the ground. "I'll rise again...one day...all by myself."

With those words, Russia merely glanced back at the weak nation, his eyes scanning the vast lands before him. The snow, the icy, and the death reminded him so much of home, and it comforted him.

"Kolkolkol."

And most of the country's land went to the psychopath with little to no effort.

Much to Lithuania's horror, Russia had been right about something else, too. Not twenty years later came two new invaders. Lithuania stared in horror at the one glaring in his face, red eyes burning with a fiery passion that the brunette couldn't describe. Behind him was a tall, intimidating force of nobility. He suddenly understood why Italy had been so terrified of these two.

The one before him grinned wildly, as if about to feast on a fantastic dinner.

"Poland wasn't enough for me, Kid. Your vital regions belong to the awesome Prussia."

And the other one just smiled.

"I'll be taking him from you one of these days. Just wait."

"We'll see, Austria, we'll see."

What happened next happened so quickly that Lithuania barely had time to grieve. Several famines struck his poor, ravaged country, and so many people, too many people, died. A mere fraction managed to live through them, one after another, and those people had their sights set on a new place.

"It's called America," a peasant once said to Lithuania. "It's a land of hope, dreams, and opportunity. We'll go there and say goodbye to this horrible life! To this horrible land!" The old man's eyes gleamed with excitement and pride, and they stared back into the country's dead, lifeless ones.

Lithuania could only watch as the ship filled with his people. No, they weren't his people anymore. They wanted nothing to do with this starving, dying country. It was the end of the 19th century and the beginning of the 20th when it happened, and Lithuania got word from countries all over Europe and Asia that their people were leaving their countries, too. "America must be just that awesome to make people want to abandon their homes," Lithuania sobbed one night after a particularly large ship full of people had set sail. "Maybe I should just give up, too."

But his pride wouldn't let him.

"No," he growled into his mattress that night, "I will not give up. I don't care how awesome this America guy is or bad my fights with Poland are or how dominating Russia is on my lands." He sat up in bed, left his room, and ran to his boss. "I am LITHUANIA, dammit!" he shouted when he reached his boss's bedroom door. "I was once the largest, most powerful country in Europe. I REFUSE TO BACK DOWN." He pounded on the bedroom door, his fist clenched so tightly that blood ran down his arm. "Boss, I need to speak with you! It's urgent!" he shouted as he woke up what was left of the entire mansion.

"WE'RE DECLARING INDEPENDENCE."

On February 16, 1918, Lithuania did just that. World War I was constantly raging just outside his window, but he didn't notice. Germany was occupying most of his territory, and Poland kept arguing with him over the remaining land, but he didn't care. He was a free, independent nation that couldn't be stopped.

"I'll rise again," he kept telling himself every night as tried to sleep. "I'll do it. Nothing is going to get in my way."

But the biggest threat Lithuania faced with this declaration was not Poland or Germany or America or his own people. No, it came from his next door neighbor.

The one opposite Western Europe.

Lithuania had no idea where he had come from or how he had made it to him. In fact, it seemed to happen without any warning. He and his other Baltic friends Estonia and Latvia had all decided to be neutral during World War II, deciding it was best to follow Switzerland's example. But that didn't stop him from coming and claiming their territories in the name of the Soviet Union. It was 1940 when Russia established this.

Lithuania could remember the day it had finally happened. He, Estonia, and Latvia stood before Russia, shaking and crying and silently praying. What for? They didn't even know. Anything but this. Lithuania almost wished he could go back to the time of the famines; at least he could suffer independently.

He lifted his pale, sweaty face and stared up at Russia, the large nation's eyes glowing bright violet and his mouth making terrifying, breathy noises. Lithuania nearly jumped out of his skin when he properly heard the syllables make their way to his ears. He could never forget it. Russia had made the same noises when he had partitioned him during the 1770s.

"Kol...kol...kol..."

Lithuania tried to look ahead towards the door. It was bright beyond this small, cramped room, meaning the door was open. But there was no escape. Even if he could, by some miracle, escape Russia, the man's sisters were at the door. Ukraine was looking surprisingly serious, as if she was prepared to do anything for her darling little brother. And then there was Belarus, enjoying every moment of watching the Baltic Trio squirm. She held a knife up to mouth and licked the unsharpened side of the blade, smiling devilishly.

Suddenly, Russia spoke. "Thank you, Sisters," he said calmly. "I've got it from here."

The door closed. The only light came out from the slight sliver underneath the door where it didn't meet the floor. With that tiny light, Lithuania could see a gleam near Russia. Whatever it was, it looked metallic.

And that was when it hit him.

Literally.

"New toys!" Russia squealed with delight among Estonia's screams and Latvia's sobbing, the metal pipe smacking up against Lithuania's head. "This is going to be so much fun!"

In 1941, the Nazis invaded Russia. The wintery nation cursed Germany and Prussia with everything he had, but the German Brothers snatched Lithuania up.

It wasn't like the brunette cared though. Years of torture and the icy coldness of Russia's winter had made him numb to everything. He would watch his people fight against Russia, Germany, and Prussia, but nothing ever happened. His Jewish population became nearly non-existent, and none of the other Allies even bothered to do anything. Why should they have anyway? America hated Russia for his communist ideas, Russia had never gotten along with England or France, and China was facing his own dramatic troubles.

Hope did not exist.

One night, during the late 1980s when World War II was over and the Soviet Union was weakening, Lithuania received a phone call. He lay awake in his small, uncomfortable bed and heard a knock at his door.

"Lithuania, da?" came Russia's voice. "The operator says he has to connect you."

Slowly, Lithuania got out of bed and walked to the door. He opened it slowly and took the phone. "Thank you," he murmured, not meeting Russia's violet eyes. They had become dull over the years, and Lithuania sensed that his days as a communist country were coming to an end. Russia just nodded and walked off to his own bed, ignoring the shouts from Belarus about why he would possibly visit Lithuania in the middle of the night.

Quietly, the brunette brought the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Liet?"

Lithuania's eyes snapped open. "POLAND?!" he cried.

"Yeah, it's totally me," the blonde murmured. "Listen, I don't have too much time, so I'll make this really quick." A short breath. "I'm totally sorry, Liet. This is all my fault."

Lithuania could barely believe his ears. "What?" he gasped. "Poland, why are you...?"

"If I had known my curse would be this bad, I, like, totally never would have said anything.

Beep...beep...beep...He had hung up.

Lithuania fell to the floor in a slump. Now he really couldn't sleep. He whispered miscellaneous words to himself, not caring if anyone heard.

Poland.

"Don't call me 'Liet'."

Sweden.

"I've never seen one like that before."

Germany and Prussia.

"Don't look at me like that."

America.

"You amaze me."

Russia.

"You little monster."

Lithuania declared independence for real in 1990, right after the Soviet Union had collapsed. Iceland was the first country to recognize him. When the two met face-to-face for the first time, Iceland was still rather small, but he was an independent nation nonetheless.

"Norway told me that, in order for countries to truly be independent, they need another country to recognize them as such," the boy explained, smiling. "I may be small and young, but I'll do it. Lithuania, to me, you are an independent nation."

Lithuania couldn't do anything but sob in the boy's arms. How he had longed to hear those words for centuries...

"Just to warn you," the Baltic sniffed, "I have the worst luck when it comes to relationships."

I wanna just dance, but he took me home instead.

Uh-oh! There was a monster in my bed.

We French kissed on a subway train.

He tore my clothes right off.

He ate my heart, and then he ate my brain.

END

Author's Note: Thank God for Wikipedia. I apologize if any of the history is not totally accurate. And the foreign text is "thank you" in Lithuanian and "you're welcome" in Polish.

Edit: Thank you, Doesn't-Have-An-Account Person, for pointing out the major inaccuracies. I tried to fix them the best I could.