I Want One

A/N: Back to John Shepard. Never mentioned it before, but John is a biotic and Elizabeth is a sniper. Takes place after Tali's recruitment in ME2.

John was burning holes in the wall with his eyes as the elevator opened. If he tried, he was certain his biotics would have already done so. Two years after his death, during a period of great technological advancement, and still elevators moved at the pace of Elcor. He was furious because he had just wasted ten minutes in going down to the Engineering Bay to talk to Tali, finding she wasn't there because she was off-duty, and then going back up to CIC.

Kelly was the first to notice John's temper. While her psychologist abilities were in John's opinion mush—all soft science was mush, if they didn't calm down in five minutes a bullet did the trick—she used her understanding of subtlety to be out of John's way before he knew he was angry. It was always appreciated.

She also managed to keep a beer on hand for Shepard whenever things got wild. He took it right now and spotted Tali and Joker talking. His eyes narrowed; while he wasn't necessarily angry with Tali, he was angry he wasted time, even if he was already on route to Illium. That was time spent he could have used to check on his fish, which liked committing suicide when he wasn't looking.

He drank some of his beer. "Shepard, alcohol is—" EDI began, but was cut off.

"Shut up, EDI! I'm pissed and there aren't any mercs nearby," he shouted back.

"Very well, Shepard," EDI said, and Shepard got the nagging feeling that there was disapproval in EDI's tone. It was both humbling and irritating, especially more when he remembered that EDI was fond of calling Chakwas to talk Shepard down. He simmered down a little as he drank some more before heading towards the cockpit.

Joker and Tali cut off their conversation as John reached them. Both of them noticed the drink in his hand and knew what that meant. "Hey Shepard. Is something wrong?" Tali asked.

"Yeah, the elevator is the worst part of this mission. Do you think some time you could find some way to speed it up a little?" Shepard asked.

"Certainly Shepard! I would be glad to," Tali answered, beaming underneath her faceplate. Joker snickered under his breath; Shepard still had no clue that Tali crushed on him. He would have to bribe Kelly to tell him; certainly he would accept the word of a psychologist or at least get a clue. "I'll get to work on it immediately."

"Thanks Tali," Shepard said, cooling down more. He sipped his beer and put it next to EDI, a sure sign he was calm again. "You know, I'm kind of surprised that this is the first time I've ever seen you guys talking; you both have a deep interest in ships after all."

Tali opened her mouth to say something, but she was beaten to the punch. "Well ships is much more than just ships, Commander," Joker interrupted. "It's like women; some guys like chest and others like legs. You could call me more of a chest ship person; Tali goes for the butt."

John couldn't help but noticed Tali's posture go rigid, something she did when she was nervous. She used to do that a lot around him, but now it was something else. She seemed to be more...confident when around him. He must not be as intimidating anymore.

"Joker," Shepard began, in an attempt to call Joker out.

"And you know what, Shepard? Tali was telling me about their suits, and they don't have to get up and go to the bathroom," Joker explained. Shepard could only imagine how embarrassed Tali was now; she looked ready to run at any moment she could without losing any dignity. Of course, Joker was too excited to notice "Think about it; I could poop right here without anyone knowing and I would never have to get up either. They don't even have to dispose of their poop!"

"Joker—"

"And they pee in there too and there's no worrying about when you do it. I could just crap when I get scared and nobody would be the wiser."

How Tali hadn't fled by now was beyond John's understanding. He tried one last time to shut Joker up. "Joker," he growled, but the pilot was on a roll.

"On and there's this add-on for pleasure stimulation that—"

"JOKER!" Shepard shouted, startling the pilot. Tali ducked her head down and slipped past Shepard, walking quickly away. Shepard watched her go, and then turned his Shepard Glare on Joker. Having seen the Commander rip a krogan apart with his biotics, Joker really wished he could pee with no one noticing. "What is wrong with you?"

"Commander, I can barely walk. Being able to use the bathroom without—" Joker explained.

"I don't care about that; do you realize how rude you must have sounded to Tali?" Shepard snarled. Joker paused; he really hadn't thought about that. "Get your crippled ass down there and apologize, or so help me I will lock you in a room with Jack and Miranda on acid."

Joker was out of his chair so fast he thought he was going to break all his legs. Shepard watched him scurry down the CIC and into the elevator. Joker did like to exaggerate and cause disruptions, which Shepard understood—he'd once when drunk signed the Turian Councilor up for a krogan exotic dancer—but there was a difference between causing disruptions and crossing racial boundaries. Shepard didn't cross those boundaries.

He finished his beer. Yeah, he'd overreacted a little, but Tali was...special. And this was a racial boundary they were talking about; those suits held a lot of history to the quarians and not all of it was good. Shepard headed back towards Kelly; she might have another beer ready for him if the past was any indicator. As he reached for his second, which Kelly had discreetly placed and then disappeared, Shepard felt the urge to pee. And the elevator was currently being occupied by Joker on the way down to the engine room.

The elevator, Shepard thought darkly. Now he would have to wait to pee. As much as he tried not to, his thoughts went to the quarian body suits. He wanted one.