Disclaimer: Golden Sun belongs to Nintendo and Camelot. Harry Potter is property of J.K. Rowling.

Special thanks go to Eric, with a nod to Werebarret.

WARNING: SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE! ALSO, SPOILERS FOR DEATHLY HALLOWS, ZOL.

"Four! ... Three! ... Two! ... One!" At the stroke of midnight, the Vale Walmart erupted into cheers of unrestrained glee. Employees tore open boxes of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and the eager fans surged to the cash registers to buy their books. Sheba and Ivan bought theirs one right after the other, and they exited the store chatting excitedly about what they thought was going to happen.

Garet was waiting outside, smoking a cigarette. When he saw the two Jupiter Adepts coming out, he dropped the cigarette and ground it out with the toe of his boot. He approached them and said, "Harry's the final Horcrux. Also, Fred dies."

Ivan and Sheba stared. Their books slipped from their grasps. "Noooo..." Sheba moaned, sinking to her knees. "Why, Garet? I've waited so long! I no longer have any reason to go on." She sobbed as she pulled a switchblade and jammed it into her throat. She emitted a strangled sound as she died, which may have been something along the lines of, "Snape... I'll see you... on the... astral plane..." She fell forward, glassy-eyed, onto her copy of Deathly Hallows.

Ivan glared at Garet in horror. "You drove Sheba to suicide!" he shouted. "And worse, you spoiled the final book. Garet, I swear I will hunt you down and kill you!" Lightning crackled at Ivan's fingertips, giving him an unearthly glow as he stalked toward Garet. Garet coolly stared him down, then darted forward, kicked Ivan in the face, and ran like the blazes.

.'.".".'.

"Wow, I can't believe that Dobby died like that," Mia said to Jenna as the two girls sat in Jenna's living room, reading Deathly Hallows together. "What a noble end for the little guy."

"Yeah, and poor Luna, being held prisoner like that," Jenna added. "She's hardcore. I wonder how they're going to get to the Horcrux in Gringotts, though."

"About that," Garet said, popping his head into the room. "Griphook helps them. They get Helga Hufflepuff's cup and fly out on the Gringotts guard dragon."

"Garet!" Jenna exclaimed, her face flushed and eyes flashing. "Get out of here! We don't want spoilers."

"Oh," said Garet, stepping fully into the room and nonchalantly examining his nails. "So I suppose I shouldn't tell you that Harry dies in the end because he's a Horcrux too."

"You're lying," Mia said, pale-faced and wide-eyed.

"He is!" exclaimed Piers, bursting into the room. "Due to my superior Lemurian reading skills, I finished the seventh book in fifty-three minutes, and while Lupin and Tonks may die inglorious off-screen deaths, Harry ends up staying alive and marrying Ginny."

Mia let out a furious growl. A ball of flames appeared in Jenna's hand.

"Well, don't let me keep you from your reading," Garet said. He shoved Piers into the room and dashed away.

.'.".".'.

"It's such a shame about Piers," Isaac said to Garet as they stood at the grave site. "I still can't believe that Mia and Jenna ended up murdering him! That's... that's just..." He shook his head, unable to find words to describe his disgust. "I can't believe that they would do something like that. I thought they were better than that."

"I know," Garet said. "I mean, all he did was tell them that Lupin and Tonks die."

"What?" Isaac asked.

"I know, silly, right?" Garet said with a laugh. Isaac let out a low growl, a lethal glint in his eyes. "Uh... You did finish the book, right, Isaac?"

Isaac lunged at Garet, causing them both to fall into the unfilled grave. One of the onlookers let out a shriek, and the whole assembly fell into pandemonium. Felix leapt into action. He used his Psynergy to fill in the grave.

"Felix, what are you doing?" Kay cried, tugging at his arm. "You're burying my brother alive!"

"He spoiled book seven for one person too many," Felix said. "I did what I needed to."

"Oh, well, that's all right," Kay said, letting go of his arm. "But, uh, what about Isaac?"

"I just never liked him much," Felix said. "He stole the spotlight from me too often."

"Oh, Felix," said Kay. "You're so incredibly handsome and rugged and manly and sexy! Drag me off to your bedroom and have your wicked way with me!"

"Well, if you insist," Felix said with a smirk.

.'.".".'.

"Hey, Felix?" Felix's eyes snapped open when he heard Garet's voice.

"Huh? Yeah?" He yawned. "What is it, Garet?"

"Dude, you fell asleep in cookware," Garet said, helping Felix to his feet. Felix looked around. He had, sure enough, dozed off in the secluded aisle in Vale's Walmart.

Felix groaned. "Tell me I didn't miss the book."

"Nah, Kay's holding our place in line," Garet said. "You know, you could have picked the bedding section for a better place to catch a nap."

"True," Felix admitted. He grabbed Garet's coffee out of his hand and took a swig. "All right, let's get back in line."

As they headed to the section of the store where hopeful readers were waiting to buy their copies of Deathly Hallows, Garet asked, "So what was that you were mumbling while you were asleep? Something about my sister?"