Chapter 3

Martin strode up the hill in a determined fashion, muttering to himself and shaking his head. He sat down on the park bench on the grassy reserve at the top of the hill and looked out at all the twinkling lights that were beginning to come on in Portwenn as dusk fell. It certainly was therapeutic, gazing at that lovely scene and Martin gradually felt some of his tension dissipate. From where he sat, he had an excellent view of the harbour, the small sandy beach, the headlands and the quaint village of which he was now an integral part, whether he liked it or not. Previously he had flippantly disdained Portwenn's endowments, barely taking the time to notice its uniqueness, its ethereal charm or its sense of community. Sitting there, Martin began to experience a definite feeling of oneness with his surroundings; a sense of belonging that he had rarely felt anywhere else.

He remained motionless for quite some time, not allowing any thoughts to pass through his mind, but just absorbing the serene ambience, inhaling the invigorating salt air and listening to the call of the seagulls as they settled down for the night. It certainly was very alluring and he felt that, until now, he had never fully appreciated how bewitching the area was.

His thoughts turned to the scene that he had just witnessed. Two women had invaded his private domain and were hurling insults at each other, bossing him around and using crass phrases. He wasn't even entirely sure what they were fighting over! Women were such strange creatures! Louisa was a gentle, caring soul and Edith was highly educated and logical and yet they were going at it like hammer and tongs! Why were they fighting? Had he missed something? He replayed some of the phrases in his mind and came to the dawning realisation that they were fighting over him. They were fighting over him! Surely that couldn't be right? He had been too shocked to absorb much of the interchange that had gone on between Louisa and Edith, but certain remarks were now beginning to jump out at him.

"When Martin is with me, he is a fantastic lover," Louisa had said boldly.

Really? Martin blushed ferociously at the recollection. He had never previously attempted to assess his own performance in the bedroom, but if he had, then "fantastic" would certainly not have been an adjective of his choice. And yet, here was an incredibly attractive woman describing him as such.

"I also had plans for tonight and they didn't include a threesome," Edith had declared.

! Martin felt his blood pressure skyrocket and his face burn. As far as he was concerned, Edith's visit was purely a professional one. She needed his opinion on an article she was writing and he was more than happy to provide it. Portwenn was rather devoid of intellectual stimulation and any opportunity for him to engage in an academic discussion was greatly welcomed. Sex, or even mild affection, was the furthest thing from his mind. Was he really that naive that he couldn't detect that a woman was planning to seduce him?

Sex! He had made love to both of the women who were arguing in his home! No, that wasn't true. He had only had sex with Edith – he had actually made love to Louisa and what a vast chasm it was. Sex with Edith had been exceedingly pleasurable, as she was a highly skilled lover, but it was also cold, calculating, scientific and detached. At the time, he was not aware of what had been lacking. His previous sexual experiences had been few and all of a similar vein. He truly believed that sex was merely a sensual, physical unification.

That was until he made love to Louisa, and what a totally different experience that was! Even though their encounters had been few, they would live in his memory for all time. The intimacy ... the passion ... the harmony... the ecstasy ... the understanding ... the revelation ... the communion ... the euphoria ... the honesty...the fusion of minds, emotions, hearts, souls and intellects. This was all a great learning curve for Martin who had never dreamed that such an experience could exist or that the perfect partner could exist.

Why had he let her go? Why hadn't he followed her down the hill as she walked out of his life and declared his love for her? Why hadn't he followed her to London and admitted it had all been a huge mistake? Lack of confidence had always been his worst enemy. They had both stated on their disastrous wedding day that they didn't have the ability to make each other happy. After six months of suffering, Martin knew that was not true. He had certainly not been happy since she was no longer part of his life and he truly believed that Louisa alone held the key to his happiness. The tumultuous stab of pain, longing and love he had experienced when he first saw her, as she stood, looking so vulnerable, on his back door step, confirmed that Louisa was his life, his future ... his entire existence.

Martin acknowledged that during the previous six months he had merely existed, not lived. As he reminisced about his situation prior to coming to Portwenn, he concluded that his life also had been mostly existence. Work and study had occupied vast tracts of his being and, having nothing to compare it with, he did not find anything lacking. A whole new world had opened up for him with his arrival in Portwenn. He discovered that people existed who cared about him and were willing to let him be a part of their lives. This was mostly instigated by Louisa and Aunty Joan, but there had been several patients, including Roger Fenn, who had shown that he had made a difference to their lives and that he was appreciated. Although his profession was still a dominant factor, gradually he had come to the realisation that a personal life was also essential to his well being and more importantly, that he was learning how to relate to people to the best of his ability. In Portwenn he had learnt the most vital lesson of all – how to love!

He had also come to understand, over the last six months, that the cold feet that he had experienced on his wedding day had been mostly circumstantial. The whole day was a chapter of disasters, ranging from the dry cleaner, to the florist, to the drunken minister, to the broken hip, to the pig with the anal prolapse, to Bert's restaurant flooding and culminating with Louisa's bridesmaid giving birth on the very spot where he now sat. The Reverend Porter's comments had been the icing on the cake.

"Can you make her happy?"

This contentious comment had harvested the seeds of doubt in his mind. Had they rushed into this marriage? They hadn't been a couple for very long, after all. Was his isolated existence compatible with sharing his life with another person? Was his attraction to her purely physical? Was it fair to burden her with a partner with such a background and so many psychological hang ups? What would the community think about Louisa marrying such a man? Would he be happy? Did he really need to be happy? He couldn't remember a time in his life when he had experienced extended periods of happiness and he wasn't sure it was absolutely necessary for his well being. But the gargantuan question ... the question that had eclipsed all of the others was ... could he make her happy?

This was where his courage had failed him. It was at that moment that his natural reticence had overwhelmed his love for the woman of his dreams and he knew then that he had no guarantee that he could make her even partially happy. Having made this gut wrenching decision, he had sat in his living room in a state of pain he had not known existed. He was contemplating the best way to break the news to Louisa when she had actually turned up at his home, to tell him what he had already concluded – that neither of them could ensure the other's happiness. So there it was – finality!

But was that the right decision? It had been a long lesson to learn, but as with all education, Martin was a fast and thorough learner. Over the last six months he had learnt thoroughly that Louisa could make him happy. The question of whether he could make her happy was a harder one to address, but his logical brain informed him that surely a man who loved a woman so completely, so overpoweringly and as devotedly as he loved Louisa, must have the ability to make her happy?

"I'm carrying Martin's child!" she had declared with pride.

The weight of this statement hit Martin suddenly, with full force. In the ensuing melee that had developed between Louisa and Edith, Martin had lost sight of the colossal bombshell. Even while walking up the hill and sitting on the park bench, his contemplations had been on Louisa, not on the child she was carrying. Louisa was carrying a child! Louisa was carrying HIS child! How did he feel about this?

Martin felt droplets on his hands and looked up at the sky before realising that tears were streaming down his cheeks. Louisa was pregnant! He was going to be a father! An overwhelming sense of jubilation engulfed him with a massive wave. The growing child in Louisa's stomach was his! His! He had never imagined himself as a father. He seriously believed that he would never find a woman that he would love enough to be able to form a lasting relationship with. He also doubted his ability to find a woman who would want to form a lasting relationship with him. Martin rarely thought about the future, but in the back of his mind was a hazy conception that his forthcoming years would involve a lifelong commitment to his profession of which female companionship would bear no part. Even during their short engagement, the idea of children had never entered his mind and it was something they had never discussed. He had just assumed that because they had discovered each other comparatively late in life, then children would not be an issue.

But here he was ... an expectant father ... and he felt as though he had been handed the entire world. A million thoughts raced through his mind at once ... love ... security ... responsibility ... belonging ... family ... bonding ... a future ... plans ... inclusion ... joy ... But the breathtaking concept that overrode all of these emotions was the knowledge of the everlasting love that he felt for Louisa and the child ... the child that had been conceived through their devotion ... the same incredible devotion that he still felt for Louisa.

But what did he want the outcome of this to be? He knew now, with a certainty that he had rarely experienced before, that he definitely wanted a future with Louisa and their child. He wanted to be an integral part of her life and the baby's life. But was that what she also wanted? He greatly desired marriage and a stable family unit for the three of them, but maybe she had other ideas? If she didn't want marriage, then he would be content to live with her and hopefully have a relationship with her but would she take some convincing? His experiences over the previous six months may not necessarily have been compatible with hers? She may have come back to Portwenn merely as a courtesy to inform him about the child?

As these doubts flooded his head, Martin recollected the final look Louisa had given him when he had left the house after telling Edith to leave. At the time, he had been too agitated to interpret the look, but now it came to him with a revelation. It was an expression of love ... he was certain of it. He had seen that look many times before ... after the kiss in the taxi ... after his inebriated declaration of love for her at his kitchen table ... after the sublime kiss under the tree at the music concert ... when she had agreed to marry him ... and also during their most intimate moments. With a thud, he also grasped the concept of why Louisa had challenged Edith so acutely – she had been jealous! She obviously had thought that Martin and Edith were together and possibly felt her own future threatened.

Martin decided that he could not wait a moment longer to have these questions answered. It was now dark. He quickly looked down at his watch and saw that he had been on the park bench for over an hour. He swiftly walked down the hill and was hugely satisfied to discover that Edith's car was absent. This also halted him in his tracks. Maybe Louisa had left also? He looked at the house and saw that there was no sign of life. None of the lights were on and there was no noise. He cautiously opened the front door and saw, to his great relief, that Louisa's suitcase was in the same spot, where he had left it. He picked it up and quietly carried it up the stairs. His bedroom door was ajar and he tentatively pushed it open. The room was faintly bathed in moonlight and he could discern Louisa's form under the sheets. He placed the suitcase off to one side and cautiously approached the bed. Louisa was fast asleep, wearing one of his t-shirts.

He carefully sat down on the bed and gently grasped the hand that lay on top of the blanket. Louisa did not wake, but adjusted her position slightly and murmured his name. He looked down at her; his heart almost bursting with love. God, she was beautiful! He also noticed that she looked tired and the signs of strain that showed on her face. The poor thing. She must be exhausted with the worry and responsibility that she had been facing over the past few months. Well, that was going to end right now. The child was their joint responsibility and he was going to help her as much as he could.

He remained gazing at her for several more minutes, then realised that he was also drained. He carefully leaned forward and kissed her forehead, before retiring to the guest room. He was asleep within minutes.

To be continued