A/N Hey, everyone, sorry about the wait, but I do have some important things to say…
Dedication: To Immortali, who is my fabulous beta for this story, credit for the name of the article How to Ger back at Evil Hair-Murdering People you thought Were your friends goes to her, she suggested it, thus credit for article idea and it's name goes to her, also the little part with Lily's hex parchment is by her. Thanks for all your help.
IMPORTANT: I'm sorry for the formatting whenever I try to fix it half the chapter deletes, and I've hat reload it like four times already, and to insert this note I had to go back in and right it in Word and then make a whole new document. Something's seriously wrong with the document manager.
And finally Thanks to all Reviewers!
Key:
Bold-
Sirius
Italicized-
Remus
Underlined
- Peter
Regular-
James
Bold/Italicized
- Lily
Disclaimer:
I don't own any of these characters.
Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the
Marauders Monday
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results
may vary)
How
to get back at Evil Hair-Murdering People You thought Were your
friends As you
all know I suffered a horrible emotional trauma. When I last, ahem,
A Guide by Sirius O. Black.
left you, I was in the hospital wing plotting revenge against
said evil
hair-murdering person. As you may recall my dearest
best friend, James H.
Potter suggested I shouldn't kill the
horrible-hair-murdering-demon in the
presence of witnesses, and
indeed such an act is not advisable, as a result
I decided that I
must hypothetically carry out my plans, because I have not
done
anything, and am completely innocent of any
pranks/crimes/misdemeanors/felonies/murders/ batteries/assaults,
and any
other crime you can possibly think of.
However, if I were to attempt to, hypothetically, exact revenge on an
evil
hair-murdering friend, I would do it in the manner outlined
in my brief
guide. Speaking of which, I suppose I should tell you
of my hypothetical
plans. Those who stoop so low as to murder
hair have no conscience. It is
vital you remember this. They will
feel no sorrow for their horrifying
crimes and therefore any type
of vengeance you should choose to extract from
them is completely
justified.
Now, in the hypothetical scenario where
one Remus J. Lupin attacks me and
dyes my hair blond, it is
completely justified for me to attack him in turn.
Of course, I,
Sirius 'I-Will-Have-Vengeance' Black, would never do such a
thing. If, however, I had chosen to attack Mr. Lupin for this, I
would have
waited until he was asleep and then…
Remember
your blood pressure, Remus.
HE
KILLED MY HAIR!! HE DESERVED EVERYTHING HE GOT!…I mean,
hypothetically,
of course, because I'm completely
innocent.
Calm
down, Sirius.
I
WILL KILL HIM!
See
if I care. I've already lost the will to live.
Sirius!
It's
true, Wormtail.
Remus,
you can't kill Sirius with a spork.
Yes,
I can, now move out of the way, Prongs.
Remus…
Sirius! Put down the cupcake, you can't suffocate Remus with
it.
Yes,
I can! And besides, as I already explained, the cupcakes hate Remus!
I'm not trying to suffocating him, the cupcakes are. I'm just
trying to… um…
stop them! Yeah! That's it! Stop
them!
"…"
"…"
"…"
Why
are you all looking at me like I'm insane?
Because
you are.
No,
I'm not! (twitch)
Honestly,
Petey, what are we going to do with these two?
No
idea, Prongs, but I'm guessing stopping them from killing each
other with
either a spork and cupcake would be the first
step.
Sounds
good to me. Though it would be extremely entertaining to watch.
SIRIUS ORION BLACK!!! STOP HITTING REMUS WITH THAT RUBBER YOYO
RIGHT NOW.
It's
a spoinkle, Prongs. We've been over this.
Remus,
let go of Sirius' hair. You're pulling it out.
So?
What
exactly did he do to you?
…You
aren't seriously asking that…
He
can't siriusly be asking anything, only I can do that. However,
he's
definitely asking that.
I'M
GOING TO KILL HIM!
Put
down the spork and step away from the knife.
Well?
What did he do?
In
case, you are in fact, really that blind…
Exactly
what do you think the glasses are for?
He's
wearing them…
Your
point being?
He.
Should. Be. Able. To. See. With. His. Glasses. On.
Even
I knew that.
Why
is everyone so mean to me?
"…"
"…"
…
We'll just ignore that statement, Sirius, because I need to explain
what
you did…
Allegedly did!
Who
else would do it? Moving on, if you couldn't tell, Prongs, my skin
is PURPLE.
Your
point being?
…
His skin isn't usually purple, James.
Really?
Yes,
really.
And
I suppose you also didn't notice, that… that he… transfigured
all my
books into… into… Qudditch supplies!
It
is sort of an improvement, Remus. We did need a new Quaffle as well
as
bludgers, and a snitch or two couldn't hurt.
That's
just because you keep stealing them all, Prongsie.
…
Besides, if you don't like it why don't you just undo the
spell.
Because
our dear friend, Sirius, put a spell on each book-turned-Quidditch
supply, which causes anyone who attempts to undo the spell to
have their
skin turned purple, secondary attempts result in the
supplies attacking you.
That
explains the Quidditch balls I saw following you around earlier.
And
you honestly think I could do that advanced level of
transfiguration?
Yes.
Aww,
Moony, I love your confidence in me.
It's
not confidence. I've just seen you do more
advanced
spells then that.
Sadly you only use your skills for pranks.
And
what fun would I get from using them in class? Besides you still
can't
prove I did it.
I'm
going to kill him!
I
told you to put down the spork, Remus.
Your
point being?
That
you need to put down the spork.
I
think we should settle this at a later date. Sirius is trying to
write a
column after all.
So?
So?
"…"
…
Just let him write his article thing, and then you can kill each
other.
I
JUST HAD THE ULTIMATE IDEA TO WOO MY LILYKINS!
"…"
"…"
"…"
Doesn't
anyone want to hear my plan?
Uh…
Actually…
We
don't…
Want
you to ruin the suspense for us when we read your column!
You
read my column?
Er…
Of…course.
Oh.
Okay.
Moving
on. As I was saying, my readers, were I to attempt to get revenge on
a certain Remus J. Lupin, I would die his skin purple, turn his
books into
Qudditch supplies, and send the Professors letters
from him alternately
asking them out/calling them evil wenches
and/or ugly gits.
YOU
SENT MCGONAGALL THE LETTER ASKING HER OUT?!
Er…No!
of course not, I said… hypothetically speaking, of course, were I
to…
I'm
going to kill you, Sirius.
Help
me, Prongs!
Remus,
please refrain from killing Padfoot…
No.
Meh.
it was worth a shot.
I
really need to be going, as my life is at risk. So, goodbye my
readers,
and remember my tips in the event you are the victim of
such an attack!
AGH!!! LET GO OF ME, MOONY!
Well,
this concludes Sirius' article, seeing as Remus just dragged him
from
the room by his remaining hair.
//line//page//break/////line//page//break/////line//page//break///
The
Ultimate Plan to Woo My Lilykins!
By James Potter
Okay, so I've
tried everything imaginable to get Lily to go out with me,
wouldn't
you agree, my dear readers?
He
really has, it's actually getting quite sad.
Shut
up, before I call Remus and tell him that you're hiding under his
bed.
Speaking of which, why not hide under your own bed?
It's
too messy.
Maybe
you wouldn't have that problem if you weren't such a
slob.
M-moony!
Be
afraid, be very afraid.
Spoinkle
will not let you get me!
Hey,
maybe we should stop talking since James is trying to write an
article.
Mmph.
Fine.
As
I was saying, I have come up with the ULTIMATE PLAN to woo my
Lilykins. I
am calling it Plan X.
Because
that doesn't make it sound doomed at all.
Really?
Thanks Moony!
He
was being sarcastic, James.
Was
he?
Yes.
Oh.
I'm
sure it's brilliant, Jamsie.
Thanks,
Pads. anyway, as I was saying, my plan is this…
You
have a plan?
Where've
you been?
I'm
telling you he has to have some severe A.D.H.D.
What's
B.C.B.?
A.D.H.D.
…
same thing…
Never
mind, Sirius, just go back to la-la-land.
Okay,
they like me there!
I'm
sure they do, considering you're their king.
Is
he insulting me again?
Probably,
not sure though, I've pretty much given up on understanding
Moony.
Me
too.
Ditto.
Anyways,
the plan is this, I am publishing the following chain letter in
this
newspaper.
Think Of Someone You Like A Lot
&&
&
Think
Of Something You Want To Happen Between You and that Person.
&
&&
Make
a Wish!
&&
&
0-2
Your wish won't come true L 3-5 That Person will notice you! 6-9 That
Person will start to like you! 10-15 That Person will ask you
Out! 6-21 You
Will Be with that Person for a long time! So Send
AWAY!
And
this will accomplish what exactly?
Isn't
it obvious?
No,
not really.
You
have to learn how to think like Prongs for this.
"…"
"…"
Okay,
so the point is that since he's publishing it in our newspaper
it'll
be sent to lots of people, therefore making his wish come
true! Am I right,
Prongs?
Yup.
You
are aware of the fact that chain letters never work right?
This
one will!
Besides,
they do too! I got this one that said, 0-3, you'll go to Azkaban
when you get older, 4-7, you'll find 5 Sickles! 8-11, you'll
win a contest!
11-14, you'll inherit a small fortune!
14-infinity, you'll be the richest
wizard ever! Well, actually,
I bombed the first one. But then I got one like
it and sent it to
5 people, and I found 5 Sickles!!
Okay
then.
Don't
argue with him.
…but…
Don't
do it, you know you'll regret it.
Fine!
All
right then, now that I've completed Plan X, Which will surely woo
my
Lilykins, I ask you all to write in your support for my plan!
If you don't
comment, it won't work! I need your help, we
must prove the validity of my
plan to Remmie!
Please, just comment,
so we don't have to listen to
him!
//line//page//break/////line//page//break/////line//page//break///
Tired
of annoying boys constantly bothering you trying to ask you out? Just
try Lily Evan's Hex Parchment
Guaranteed to at least
discourage all but the most stubborn of boys. Simply
replace his
homework with it, send it as a note, or slip it into one of his
books or his favorite Quidditch supplies! You can choose from any
of our
stock, such as:
Puking Papers (4 Sickles)
Spiteful
Screamers (2 Sickles)
(1)Lacerating Letters (6 Sickles)
Exploding
Entries (5 Sickles)
Corrosive Correspondences (5Sickles)
And
many more! Or try our special deluxe packages:
Nasty Notes (2
Galleons)
(1)Malicious Messages (4 Galleons)
See Lily Evans in
the Gryffindor common room if you're interested.
1. Only to be
used in extreme circumstances.
Important: No refunds except in special circumstances.
//line//page//break/////line//page//break/////line//page//break///
Closing Note on Advertising for our Readers
From your editors Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Tell me again why we let her put that in?
Because, James suffers from the delusion that if he gives her
whatever she wants, she will go out with him.
My Lilykins, will go out with me!
…Riiiiiiiight…
What was that Padfoot?
Uh, nothing, Prongsie…I just said that, I'm sure your plan will work.
Oh, thanks, Pads!
Idiot.
Huh, did you say something, Moony?
No.
Oh, okay.
Weren't we supposed to be saying something to our readers?
What? Oh…yeah, we were.
Nice job getting us off topic, Sirius.
I'm good at it, aren't I?
I think he was doing that sarcasm thing again.
Was he?
No, of course not…I'd never be sarcastic.
Really?
No.
Hello, stay focused people! We're supposed to be telling them something…
Oh…
Okay. Anyways, people, Lily took out an ad in our paper, it was free for her because Prongs is love struck and has no business sense…
I resent that.
You resemble that.
Meanies.
It's okay, Prongsie.
Thanks, Pads.
You're welcome, Prongs.
Anyway, if you two are quite done…
Yup. Go ahead Moony.
You can take an ad out in our paper for a price of three sickles per advertisement per week, we have a special as well, if you would like to take out a two month ad, we'll only make you pay twenty-one sickles. Starting next issue we'll have an advice column up, so please send in any questions you have for us the Marauders.
You forgot to tell them about the prank guide...
Oh, yes, thank you, Wormtail, if you can also write in and tell us (we recommend you do this under an assumed name) of people that you need pranked, (and the reason for it) we will be happy to either prank them for you or to suggest a prank for you to use.
That's all for now.
See you next issue everyone.
Remember to write in.
Bye, everyone.
A/N Remember to write in everyone, anything you suggest will of course be credited to you. Now Review!