A/N: I know you guys are getting how desperately and horribly devasted Bella is. You'll figure out the details soon enough, and get ready for a lot of crying. It will not stop soon, there is ALOT of drama to come.

Song Theme: Eveything- Lifehouse.

I dont mean to get you guys down if I do lol but that's the way Bella is supposed to feel and this song ties it up very well. Please listen to the song while reading, these are the songs that I write with and they really grasp all the emotions. Heck! I get emotional writing it!

Flashback.

"Bella I'm sorry! Please just think about what you are doing! This- I never meant for it to go this way, please just listen!!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

I was literally having a panic attack. I could feel my chest constricting, my heart about to pop out of my chest. The room was spinning and slowly becoming smaller and smaller, sweat beads began pooling behind my neck, on my forehead. I couldn't breathe, it felt like my lungs were closing up and I was gasping for breath, I was hunched over, my hands were on my knees. My vision was becoming obstructed with white light. I was going to pass out.

"Bella? Bella calm down, breathe! We will work this out, there isn't any need for this type of reaction!"

"Re- Reaction?!" I tried to scream. I was furious but my loss of air wouldn't let me convey that. I was literally gasping for breath.

"Stop it Bella! Stop it!"

"Bells! Bella!"

I woke up from my terrible nightmare, or flashback you could say, to Charlie's comforting hands wiping the strands of my matted locks away from sweaty face.

"Bella," he breathed, exhausted. " This has got to stop," he pleaded.

"I'm sor- sorry" my breath was shaky as I tried desperately to get it back to normal.

"Honey… there is something I need to tell you." I looked at him and felt ill as I realized what the expression on his face meant.

"What ..is it.. Dad?"

"I told your mother about what's been going on lately-"

"What?!"

He put his hands out in front of him as if that were going to calm me down. "Now now, Bella. Just hold on-"

"How could you do this?! How could you just tell her everything?!" I realized angry tears were spilling onto my cheeks.

"I didn't! I didn't Bella. Let me explain, please!"

"I cant face her, I cant after all this, seeing her again will just set me up for another lift on the emotional TIDAL WAVE that I'm going through right now!"

"Bella stop! That is enough! Now I understand that you are extremely …delicate," he hesitated, not knowing exactly what to call my "girly boyfriend problems." "But I don't know how to help you anymore, I'm not helping! I'm not doing anything for you because every night I come running in here at 4 in the morning to soothe you and calm you down from the same nightmare!"

"What makes you think mom will make any of this any better? You know very well that she'll just worry and worry and tire herself out from that worry. She will only be able to try to calm me down but you also know that I'm the one that does the calming and I cant even help myself!" I was ranting and I knew I was wrong about a majority of what I had just said but I also knew that I was right about the other half. Maybe the last bit was up for discussion.

"Yes, that may be true but you know very well that no matter how crazy, one-sided, impulsive, and hair-brained your mother is, she is the one person that can honestly talk you back down from the craziness. And you are wrong, and you know it. She will understand, and no matter how much you deny yourself the priviledge you deserve to get pulled out this …this …this depression!" his eyes looked pained, I was hurting him but all I had cared about was my aching heart. It was time I helped his. I would try to cover the cuts and bruises on my heart, I would try to mend it but from this moment on I would stop neglecting his.

"I guess …a visit to her would be ..nice."

"Oh I know you're excited." he grinned his adorable crinkly-eyed smile.

"Hey, I miss mom but I'm not exactly thrilled for the attack I'm going to get when I first see her." I said playfully slapping his shoulder.

"About that, I didn't tell her the details of the story. She only knows that you are, well, upset. I want you to tell her what's going on." he confessed earnestly.

His concern was touching, but it was funny how he thought he had every detail of the story. If he thought what I had told him was cringe-worthy and an awkward sit-down, than he would die if I told him the whole story.

"Okay." I sighed.

"Now, if you don't mind," he kissed my head, "I'm going to go back to bed. Please try to get some sleep."

I watched as he walked off, but then realized I had a question.

"Dad?"

He stopped but didn't turn around. "Yes?"

"When am I leaving? To Phoenix I mean."

He turned and faced me with a sheepish face. He had forgotten something very vital.

"Eh. About that.." he laughed nervously. "You leave …tomorrow."

Oh lord.

I crashed onto my bed and groaned.

"Night!" he said cheerfully.

Tomorrow would be an interesting day.

As I drove to the airport I realized that this would be good for me, maybe. I wouldn't be allowed to spare any details considering the fact that a) I needed to let go of everything in order for Renee to help me and b) she would see through every wall I was putting up to keep me from breaking down. I was going to break down and it was going to hurt. I was going to relive every precious memory I had with Edward before I was brain washed, and then heart-broken by Jacob. I would have to try my hardest not to cry when I thought of how badly I had messed up and how Edward was not for me anymore. But I would do it.

I found a comfortable seat on the plane by a window. Sleep evaded me, so I sat wondering what in the world my Edward was doing. He was probably living life the way he should have before I broke his heart. If there was one thing I was sure of, it was that he loved me with every fiber of his being. He let me go, pained and heartbroken, put acceptingly. He let me go because I made the mistake of telling him it was what needed to happen.

My vision blurred as fat tears formed and found there way over the sill of my eyes. They plopped onto my cheeks and for once I didn't try to stop them while in public. I let them flow freely as I -for the millionth time- cursed myself for letting the most precious thing a person could ever even fathom, go! It physically hurt me when I went to sleep without his cool hands wrapped around me and his beautiful voice humming me to sleep and it was another depressing blow when I woke to an empty bed. I quietly sobbed myself to sleep on the little plane. For once, not caring who listened.

Why Bella? Why did you do this?…

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