By Helena Fallon
I do not own Criminal Minds, I'm just borrowing them to play with some of my own characters.
Hotch's annoyance with Gideon lingered; he had a distinct feeling that he was being left out of a loop where Spencer Reid was concerned. The way he had left to go to bed particularly troubled him. Gideon held many secrets but he hoped that the welfare of their youngest agent was paramount. He was relieved that his own visit had seemed to lift the emotionally charged atmosphere he had initially found, the fact that he had elicited a grin out of him was a triumph. The team missed the wonderful open, childlike smiles that could light up a room; the large, expressive brown eyes twinkling with the sheer pleasure of the moment. Reid had lost so much of that joy for life since Georgia, he would never be the same, but he hoped that he would come out of the worst part of PTSD knowing he was stronger than he had ever imagined he could be and still wanted as an agent. You could never say that you were completely cured because nightmares and flashbacks could just happen years after the event despite an uneventful interlude of the ordinary. Even Hotch's own life was sometimes invaded by such demon memories of events that had happened 5 and 8 years previously. He was grateful for the psychological support the FBI had given him and the strength and insight he had personally gained from these experiences. It had helped him to show fellow sufferers that you did find a way out of the hell and that you were still able to hold down a stressful position. Hotch valued his 'psych' evaluations; by knowing yourself you performed better out in the field but he had to agree that he preferred some of the resident psychologists to others. He slept fitfully that night and strangely recalled, like a film reel, a conversation with Reid some 9 months previously…
The team was homeward bound on their little plane, which was just like a second home when they considered the number of hours they spent in its compact confines. They were all winding down with a tired sense of a job well done. The team had saved two 2 kidnapped teenagers. The victims were traumatised and faced probably years of counselling, but for their families and the girls themselves, they had survived. Unfortunately, they had been called in after 3 others had been subjected to a brutal end. The two murderers faced the death penalty: Texas was not going to let the monsters get away with more liberal minds pleading for a life sentence. The horror of their crimes led the public to demand a swift reply of justice, it might sound brutal but they had not shown mercy to their victims. Hotch had many years ago stopped thinking about such judgements.
As a prosecutor he had sometimes felt frustrated, as an FBI agent of specialist team it was he job to catch the monsters before they committed any more harm. It was his job to work within the law and to his conscience he always did.
The cabin was quiet. Morgan was slipping into slumber, J.J. and Elle already deep asleep. Their youngest had been asleep but had woken and disappeared towards the toilet. Hotch and Gideon both noted his movement in their own light dozing.
"I ought to get her number off him," Hotch mumbled to the older man.
"Gideon sleepily smiled, "He's scared Morgan will tease him but it's lasted and she's a good influence."
"Amazing, isn't it, they're profilers but they have not picked up on the signs," Hotch observed.
"I think J.J. may have had the odd suspicion but she'd not say anything… wants to protect her own relationship…" Gideon stopped hearing the toilet door open.
Reid stopped by the kitchen area and came back with a cup of tea, not coffee.
Gideon smiled, "Come and join us," he invited the youngest.
Reid looked back at the seats he'd just passed and assured himself that the other 3 agents were sleeping. He was being invited to join both Hotch and Gideon; he would have to be on his guard, he sensed Gideon was on a fishing expedition. He slipped in beside Hotch who had let down his usual "agent in charge" mask. Suddenly, he seemed younger, his brown eyes softened and the mouth eased into a rare smile.
"Tea, that's my drink …" Hotch teased as Reid dunked the tea bag.
Reid smiled, "I've never said I didn't like tea its just I'm usually seen drinking strong coffee and for obvious reasons."
Gideon chuckled despite his desire to keep their end of the cabin quiet and not to rouse the sleepers.
"Yeah, I guess we all drink too much coffee … does she let you drink coffee?" he innocently slipped in.
Reid looked over the rim of the cup as he sipped the soothing liquid, his own eyes steadily meeting Gideon's. What he saw in his interrogator's face was warmth and affection. This man was like the father he had wanted, he trusted him not to attack his precious self-confidence in this matter.
"Only at breakfast," he whispered.
Gideon nodded, "She's good for you, isn't it about time to give Hotch her contact number or don't you think she's worthy to be on your contact list?" his mentor softly challenged.
"I'm probably not good enough for her…. I don't want…" he couldn't bring himself to mention Morgan by name.
"This is between us at this table," Hotch murmured, reaching into his jacket's inner pocket to bring out his leather bound diary. Reid turned his attention to the Unit Chief beside him who opened his diary on a clean 'notes' page and slid it over to him and then picked up Gideon's discarded pen off the table.
"Name and number…and it stays between us, even if you fill in an official form later. It's not our place to say anything to the others." Hotch assured. Reid was poised with the pen, should he start analysing his actions like he always did.
Gideon reached across the table and touched his bony hand lightly to get his attention, "Stop analysing, just believe in her and what you have together, we are sure she is of good character because you'd do nothing to jeopardise your position in this unit."
"Oh, she's of a good family… all in medicine, its…"
"Spencer if anything happened to you we wouldn't know how to reach her, she would be horrified to find out through the media or from a passing acquaintance…"Gideon reasoned.
"No, I mean…you're right, it's just …I've not discussed this with Catherine."
"Perhaps Catherine has assumed that you have put her name on your contact list, after all this is hardly a one night stand."
"Certainly not!" Reid's agitated voice sounded loud in the cabin and he immediately regretted his outburst. He looked round to see if the others still slumbered.
"Spencer, I reckon you've been seeing her a good 6 months," Gideon continued in his soothing voice.
"Yeah," Reid conceded.
"Hayley insisted that she was on my contact list after one month," Hotch confessed.
"Really!", Reid stared at him.
"Yes, and I was just a prosecutor in those days…I'm telling you, Catherine would have assumed, that since you are in a steady relationship that you have at least informed your boss…I'd not mention it to her…"
Reid's eyes opened wide at this advice and thought carefully that perhaps older, more experienced counsel should be heeded in this case. He concentrated upon the task in hand, and wrote in his small, clear style:
'Dr. Catherine Fox, cell no. …
University of Virginia, History dept. no. …
Gideon read the words upside down.
"Catherine's a historian…what area?"
"Ancient history,"
Gideon's mind whirled, Hotch was out of his depth. Spencer sensed this and his radiant smile lit up their corner, "She's an expert in cuneiform inscription, there are only a few scholars in the world who excel at this. She lectures in the cultures of Babylonia, Assyria, Hittite and the Urartian… it does tend to be a conversation stopper," Reid added mischievously.
"And she's a fellow genius," concluded Hotch.
"Yes, but she's had a better childhood and is not socially awkward like me," he confessed.
"Reid she's smoothing out the awkward bits," Hotch assured, "One day, Morgan will wake up and realise how much you have changed and by that time, what he thinks won't matter…In fact, it doesn't matter now what your colleagues think. You two have something that is important to your lives, not anyone else's."
Spencer pushed the diary back towards his boss, "What gave me away?"
"Oh, the improved dress sense, the cell phone call once in your car before going home…the overall increased self-confidence," replied Hotch.
"Getting as much of your paperwork done at the end of a case, just like Hotch does, before going home, knowing she's probably going to jump you as soon as you walk through the door," continued his mentor.
He looked a little embarrassed, "Yeah, she does that…it's all your fault," he turned accusingly at Hotch, who feigned ignorance, "Calls you Mr. Killjoy. It's amazing we ever got on a date never mind to the end of one!"
"Mmm…I'd take the fifth, Hotch," Gideon counselled.
"Sounds familiar…its part of the job," Hotch defended himself.
" She knows, Catherine copes because she does have her own interesting research to occupy her," a stillness settled upon the table, and Spencer quietly added, "She's like my anchor to normality in our crazy and often brutal world."
Hotch and Gideon both metaphorically held their breaths, this was the real introspective Reid sharing a rare confidence. Gideon nodded, encouraging their genius to trust this moment.
"I've never known an individual like her…she's so still, such a calm person, I just feel relaxed with her. It was weird, right from the start, it was like we'd known each other for ever…sorry that sounds all rather sugary romantic."
"No, it doesn't, soul mates are rare. Most people never meet them, others settle for second best, I let mine go," Gideon admitted. Reid was lost for words, but Gideon continued not expecting a reply,
"Stephen's mother, I ruined the relationship I had with Barbara. Thought work owned me… Try to live life to the full when you're together, never forget to tell her how important she is to you… I neglected to cherish Barbara and in the end, she left me because she felt that she and Stephen were too far down my list of priorities… When I finally noticed, it was too late, she was dying of cancer and with her death I devoted my self to work and our son buried himself in his studies. "
"Sorry, Gideon, I didn't mean to pry upon such personal memories," the sensitive young man apologised.
He shook his head, "You didn't, I'm letting you know where I went wrong so try not to repeat what I did just because I'm your mentor…Besides, the scars are fading: bridges are being built with Stephen and I have met a very understanding lady called Jane… I'm trusting you not to repeat this to our three musketeers."
"Of course," the youngest promised.
"Five minutes to touch down!" the intercom broke the moment; each mans' shields snapped into place.
"I'll go wake them," said Reid, rising from his seat.
Hotch observed Gideon, it was rare for Gideon to speak about such personal matters. He hoped that Reid would remember his wise words that were wrought from bitter experience.
Hotch woke to find the weak light of dawn seeping through the curtains. The whole dream was so vivid…it was how he had remembered it happening. Other thoughts bubbled into his consciousness; they had not been able to save Elle, but he also felt she was wavering in her commitment to the job because of the sacrifices you had to make in your personal life. She had wanted to join the BAU but once there didn't like the reality. She was not the first nor would she be the last, but it was the way of her leaving that upset Hotch. Both knew she was guilty but Elle would admit nothing, he couldn't let her continue in his unit because he couldn't trust her.
Reid was different, he had been getting on so well until his kidnapping. Even now, the rest of the team hadn't realised there was a woman in his life. He seemed so secretive about her and yet when he had checked her out unofficially, there was nothing in her background to indicated problems of acceptance by the FBI. He hoped that he and Hayley would be able to detect what the barrier was but until she had been officially checked out, Catherine couldn't even attend the Christmas party. Perhaps it was just the normal secretive Reid and Hotch feeling guilty because the FBI would have treated her better had she been on the official contact list. He decided that it was useless trying to get anymore sleep and headed for the shower.
It was 7:15 a.m. and Hotch was still restless, he knew why and he resolved to go and tackle the source of his present unease. There was no one about as he tapped on Gideon's door. He knew he was an early riser and the door opened within seconds. Gideon said nothing as he opened the door wider for him to gain entry but the older man noted that Hotch was wearing his 'no nonsense air' about him.
"Sleep well?" he mildly enquired.
"No," Hotch replied and ploughed on with the reason, "What did you say to Reid last night?"
"I did my job like you expect me to do. I talked about the PTSD and how it was affecting him and Catherine… she is incidentally very supportive; seems to be doing all the right things. He talks to her, which is more than he does with his colleagues, but I don't think Morgan's teasing over the years has made him inclined to trust the others with his worries. Then of course, to compound all of this, there is his background… As Reid spent most of his childhood being isolated by his intelligence and having to take on adult responsibilities, which some adults would have had difficulties with… Reid doesn't naturally confide."
"We know all of this, Jason, something else happened," Hotch pressed, he was losing patience with Gideon's tactics, "I'm the team leader, if you know something that could have an effect on his performance within the team it is your duty to tell me."
Gideon sighed, "This is unofficial, not to be on any report unless Reid tells you."
Hotch nodded, he was intrigued, was Reid really taking drugs? He knew Morgan and Emily had suspected when he first returned but he knew that Reid had told the ambulance staff about the drugs he'd been given. Reid had a tox screen at the hospital and had been through the detox procedure, consequently, he was now summoned for regular tests. He was clean as far as these were concerned, surely he'd not found some clever way to mask an addiction. He and Gideon had been careful to check his drinking habits but there was nothing out of the ordinary and only the usual high levels of caffeine had shown up on the tests.
"Well?" Hotch prompted, as Gideon seemed to be reluctant to the break the silence between them.
"I have seen William Reid," he said softy, carefully watching Hotch's reaction. Hotch let out the breath he was holding and sank into the nearby chair.
"Jeez Jason, I thought for a moment you were going to tell me he was doing drugs," a relieved Hotch confessed,
"He gets regular checks after his hospitalisation, he wouldn't be able to deceive those, what's got into you?"
"I over heard Morgan and Emily talking some weeks back and they wondered if he was using ...You know, by law, I couldn't say anything because those extra tests the department demands are a medical procedure and covered by the privacy code."
"And you were listening to a private conversation…"
"Yeah, they didn't know I was there and I couldn't blame their conclusions because some of the manifestations of PTSD and drug addiction are similar," Hotch felt foolish and relieved at the same time. He sighed, "How did he take the news about his father?"
"Look, I judged it the right time to tell him, I learnt a lot about Diana Reid … the most important bit being she was a drug addict at Berkeley…"
"It could have caused her mental problems?" Hotched interrupted.
"That's what William Reid thinks and he was in a difficult position over Spencer, in the end he thought it best to leave him with Diana. He heard about Spencer being tortured, he just wanted to know that he was all right…he didn't want to approach him personally and cause him unnecessary distress."
"How did he hear about the torture?" Hotch's mind wanted more clarification.
"He works in national level security, Aaron, he may have left Spencer but he as managed to get regular checks on him."
"He must be very senior to get that sort of information…."
"He couldn't tell me but he did say he was a cryptographer,"
"You liked him didn't you?"
Gideon shrugged and gave a sad smile, "Aaron he's not a monster, they are very alike, not just physically but there is a sensitivity and that underlying core of goodness that seems to be at the essence of Spencer. I've been there …I made the wrong choices too but I've never stopped loving Stephen and I know he loves Spencer. He needs to know a lot more about his family and only his father can provide those answers."
"You've not answered my question?" Hotch pulled the topic back on track.
"He was surprised, obviously the news about the drug addiction offers up a lot of hope for him. He didn't say but Catherine seemed the maternal sort to me and Spencer's spent all these years wondering if he was going to become a schizophrenic like his mother…He's not allowed himself to dream of a future with a woman, now there is something more to hold on to."
"Just at the right time," Hotch mused, feeling the tension flow from his body, "Does his father want to see him?"
"He gave me a number to ring if that's what Spencer wanted but he was not going to force himself into his life. I think you might like him or does that scare you?"
"My concern is Spencer Reid's general welfare, especially with the PTSD."
"Step back a bit, Aaron, he has made his decision, we are supporting him in the way he wants. I think, the rest of the team should think about it more deeply."
"What do you mean?"
"Thinking he was using drugs with his mother's history! He's terrified of taking anything stronger than aspirin and since Georgia you can add any narcotic to the list. Now that might be a problem in the future if he ever needs strong pain relief…he might fake he's all right, he's a damn good actor, our Reid."
Hotch let Gideon's evaluation of the situation sink in. "Perhaps I should have said something to Emily and Morgan?"
"You couldn't, you said so yourself…. You're a lawyer," Gideon shook his head, "look I'll give the pair of them separate pep talks about PTSD, re-assure them that Reid is only …oh God! Here I am making it sound like a walk in the park and we both know that the symptoms may lessen, even go away for a time, but wham a sudden reminder…"
"Yeah, they need to know, they think J.J.'s fine but if she's on the plane when she has a nightmare about those dogs …it will shock them out of their complacency. Reid would be supportive but I think Emily is out of her depth. She deals with stress in a detached way by comparison, she sees but doesn't empathise on the same level as Reid. Morgan and his damn macho image, he thinks because he coped with abuse on his own he can cope with anything the job hurls at him…. I wonder if he will ever meet his breaking point. The trouble is when you have coped with things for so long, like Morgan, you think you have the answers for yourself. I think if Morgan ever came to his own personal fall into the abyss of PTSD, he'd hit the ground even harder than Reid has." voiced Hotch as he thought about the team dynamics and how they had all been tossed around in very stormy seas of experience.
"Come on, let's go get some breakfast. I need some coffee, I bet Reid is on this third cup by now," said Gideon as he opened the door waiting for Hotch to join him.