Disclaimer: Not mine!

A/N: Welll...I'm so, so, sooooo sorry for this entire-lateness. I have no excuse. Nada. But-I-at least I'm updating? Uhm. Anyways, I hope you guys will like this chapter! I'm glad that you guys liked the previous chapter and I hope you guys will like this chapter even more! Ahaha...well, also, thank you to those who have read, reviewed, favourited and followed~ Until next time! -Krystal

Chapter 3

We were going way too fast, chasing down the hourglass, running from the past – Wildfire (Demi Lovato)

Gwaine kept his word. He didn't push Merlin more than the brunet was comfortable with and the lunch date—was really just that, a lunch date. They merely talked and despite Gwaine batting off smooth lines every now and then, the technician found himself relaxing in his company.

They walked back to the tall building, ready to resume their lives. Merlin felt fine, for once in his life, he felt fine with someone. His heart didn't ache neither did he think twice that what he was doing was either right or wrong. He was—fine. Gwaine smiled at him as they decided to part ways.

"Thank you, Merlin," Gwaine said and Merlin had to refrain himself from shaking his head. Because he was supposed to thank Gwaine, for understanding him. He still didn't trust this agent in front of him, but there was something about Gwaine that eased him. It wasn't like—Arthur. With him, Merlin felt frantic, he felt desperate—he felt needy. But with Gwaine, it was like a soft wave of calmness.

He just wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad.

Gwaine lingered for a moment near him before he shook his head. With one more look, the agent walked away from him. Merlin waited, he didn't know why, but he waited until Gwaine was no longer in his view before he released his breath.

Yeah, he felt calm. He felt like he was finally down from whatever high he had gone to.

He looked around him before he pushed those thoughts from his head. He still didn't know how to feel about the agent. He didn't know if he was ready to start feeling about anything. He wanted to drown in this pain he had been feeling for a while, just to make sure that he had learned his lesson.

He trusted Arthur with everything he had and he still trusted him when he let Arthur touch him. But as time went by, he felt the trust that he had given up so blindly started to crack and soon—it shattered into pieces. And what was worse, Arthur seemed to want to leave it like that. He didn't want to mend it, he didn't even want try.

He ran away, that coward, his heart muttered darkly. His mind still reeled in the fact that there would never be anyone else to make him feel like this. Arthur had come and ruined everyone else for him. He chuckled bitterly to himself because this was just so like him.

Merlin let someone in too fast and at the end, he was the only one left picking up the pieces.

So, he didn't know how he was going to trust Gwaine. He knew Gwaine wanted to take this slow, he wanted to show Merlin that he could be someone different than Arthur despite their similarities. But Merlin doubted, oh how he doubted, that that would ever be the issue.

Time would only tell, wouldn't it?

A few days passed without another word from Gwaine. Merlin didn't take it to heart, in fact, he wasn't hoping anything, whether he would even get to see the man again. His heart felt empty already anyways. But his thoughts about Gwaine, about the fact that someone like him would never look his way, didn't last long when he walked to his working space one day and spotted a note. At first, he stopped from going closer to the table because his mind flashed back to those times when Arthur did that.

And his heart started to thump loudly against his chest when he stopped to think that maybe it was him. That had made everything else ten times scarier. He wasn't ready to see Arthur again, not yet. He wouldn't know what to say, he didn't think he could even say anything else. So, he almost took the note without reading and was about to throw it away when he caught something unfamiliar about the note.

It was addressed to him.

Arthur never wrote notes that began with 'To: Merlin' before. It was usually just a short message, the room number, where to meet, what time to meet but this note had words—real words that made into sentences. The brunet felt slightly disappointed and he knew it was sick to be disappointed that it wasn't from Arthur after all.

He felt conflicted inside. How could he be so indecisive? He wanted to push Arthur away, he wanted to forget about the blond-haired man, his laughter, his smiles, his dreams, whatever trust he had given away, he wanted to take it back including the last pieces of his heart but at the same time—he wanted to see him again. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to pour out his insecurities, he wanted to feel Arthur again.

Then, he stopped. This wouldn't help anyone. This definitely wouldn't help him. He read the note and he felt something in him actually lightening up when he read through each word. Every word was laced with affection, and he wasn't sure how he could feel the warmth of those words but he did. He raised his eyebrows as he traced the words.

It was from Gwaine.

"Huh," Merlin said to himself as he reread the note. It was short, it explained why he hadn't been able to see Merlin, and it ended with a 'Love, Gwaine' at the end. It was just a short note that he was never used to getting before. He had heard Gwen going on and on about how she wished someone would write short notes of nothingness for her. Merlin never quite got why she loved that idea until he realised what it made him feel.

Gwaine had gone to a short mission, to help one of his friends due to some complications. He seemed to be remorseful, Merlin noted as he folded the note. And unlike the times with Arthur's notes, he actually couldn't find it in himself to throw it away. He placed it on the desk and frowned slightly to himself.

He rubbed the back of his neck before he sighed and pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind. Pushing the note to the pile of other cluster at the edge of his table, he went back working on his latest weapon.

It didn't take long before he was disturbed. He felt a hand on his hair and Merlin immediately looked up, recoiling from the touch. He felt everything standing still when he realised who it was. His eyes bored into Merlin's eyes for a minute before he grinned. "Did you get my note?"

Merlin blinked a few times before he looked to the note at the edge of his desk. His cheeks reddened before he cleared his throat and nodded. "Yeah," Merlin said though he looked back down to the thing he was working on.

After a minute of silence, Merlin heard Gwaine clearing his own throat and for a second, the brunet was tempted to look at him. "Can we go out later? To eat? I haven't…seen you for a few days."

"Missed me already?" Merlin asked though he was just trying to joke. The atmosphere seemed to have gone tense from the silence. The technician sighed before he looked back at Gwaine and was almost taken aback at how serious the man looked.

"Yeah," Gwaine said and his voice rung sincerity. Merlin's ears buzzed at the confirmation and his mind slowly muddled up. Gwaine missed him? His breath hitched at his throat because how was that possible? They only went out once, they only talked a few times. They shouldn't be able to miss each other.

"Gwaine," Merlin started but Gwaine simply shook his head. His seriousness was gone in a flash and a smile worked on his lips.

"Another date, Merlin?" he asked and his eyes glimmered with hope. Merlin hesitated because sure, he went out once with the agent but to do it again? Gwaine noticed his hesitation before the smile dimmed slightly. "No, I suppose?"

"I," Merlin said for a minute before he shrugged hopelessly. "I'm—I don't know. I—I'm…"

"Merlin," Gwaine said slowly. "I would tell you as many times as you want to hear. I won't push you. We—could try or we could just be friends. I won't ask more, I promise. So please, don't be so scared."

Merlin felt the words sticking to his heart like glue. "I know," he said as he rubbed his face, slightly frustrated. "You think I don't know that I can just push you away? I can. I want to, so badly, Gwaine. But I don't know sometimes what I even want. I still—I can't go through—something fictional again."

"It won't be fictional," Gwaine said. His voice held firmness and all the confidence that he wouldn't let him down again. He wouldn't let Merlin drift away in a world where everything was just colourful at the start before turning bleak. "I will make it real."

"Will you?" Merlin asked. Gwaine chuckled gently before he smiled wide.

"I'll make it even more real than the reality you live in," Gwaine said. "I won't let it go dark, Merlin."

Merlin was tempted to believe it. He was very much tempted to believe him, especially with how bright Gwaine's eyes were shining from the truth. But his heart tugged his mind away from accepting those words just yet. But his chest felt funny, it felt lighter and his shoulders felt—like they weren't holding a huge weight for once.

Something in him sung gently and before he knew it, he felt slightly better. Hearing those words, despite how they sounded—despite how true they really were, Merlin realised he needed to hear that. At the same time, his stomach growled. He frowned at that because hadn't he ate breakfast before he started to work?

"It's almost noon," Gwaine supplied helpfully as he grinned widely. Merlin's eyebrows shot up his forehead before he sighed. "Merlin, come on, let's get something to eat, yeah?"

After a minute, he finally decided that it would be fine. It would be fine. "Yeah, okay," Merlin said finally before he gave out a smile, though it was wary. Gwaine eyed the brunet for a second before he nodded. With that, he gestured to the exit and began walking first.

Merlin hesitated on following him. He knew that if he had too much doubt, he could just stay behind but—he didn't know it himself.

So, he just closed his mind down from thinking and let his body do the talking. He followed Gwaine.

It was different with Gwaine, Merlin mused. He was gentle, he didn't talk much, always letting the brunet to lead, it was—relaxing. Just like before, Merlin felt like he could be himself for a minute under his gaze. His heart still yearned for Arthur, but his mind was becoming clearer and the pain was subsiding.

Somehow.

It had been a week since then. Gwaine had come by whenever he could to see Merlin and at first, the technician frowned at all the fuss the agent was going through to see him. But he slowly settled back and tried, for once, see where this was leading.

He knew he still wasn't ready to stretch his hand out for someone else to hold. But his heart was beginning to be curious of this agent. When Merlin talked, he listened. He didn't make fun of him, he didn't call him a girl, he didn't—he didn't do anything to warrant anger from Merlin.

It was like he was the perfect human.

Perfection in everything he did.

And at the end of the day, Merlin had fun. He couldn't lie the fact that he felt okay, that he felt nice, cherished.

Lying on his bed, he counted in his head at how many times he tried to let his fragile heart get close to someone. Enough times to know that he should be cautious, should be wary of everyone. And he was, with Gwaine this time.

But when the night stalled longer, when everything was quiet, when he had his eyes closed, he could feel it. He could feel the familiar gaze from his memory. He could still feel those hands on him despite how long it had been. His heart would act up again and whenever the brunet thought he had maybe begun to heal, it would ache again. His heart would cry once more.

He sighed shakily as he closed his eyes.

Immediately, his laughter rung through his empty mind.

His smile shone brightly to the darkest corners of his heart. The cracked pieces of his love shattered even more. The pain was choking him from within and he opened his eyes in a gasp, frustrated and angry at the same time on himself and on him.

He didn't want to feel this way. And it wasn't right either.

"Damn you, Arthur," Merlin whispered out loud to nobody. "Damn you."

Gwen caught him off guard one day when he was eating his lunch. All she had to do was open a topic about Gwaine and Merlin froze like someone poured a bucket full of ice water on him. She stopped talking immediately before she raised her eyebrows. "I knew it," she whispered.

"Gwen," Merlin started but she simply shook her head.

"I knew it!" she said as she read him like an open book once more. "I heard the rumours, how Gwaine was seeing someone, how he had been seeing this technician for a while now, always eating lunch with him and at first I thought, who could that be? And then I saw you that day, Merlin! You didn't even tell me you were dating him!"

Merlin visibly winced at the words. His heart started to panic slightly because—was this how people were seeing them as? Gwen noticed the hesitancy on his face before her bright eyes dimmed in confusion.

"You guys aren't dating?" she asked.

"No," Merlin mumbled as he picked on his sandwich. He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair and looked at the woman in front of him. "Actually, I'm not so sure."

She seemed even more confuse but Merlin really didn't blame her. After a second, she asked, "Then—why is he so close to you?"

Merlin didn't know if he should be offended with her words or not. She noticed the look on his face before she quirked her lips up into a smile. "I didn't mean it like that, Merlin. I mean, since when did you two get so close?"

The brunet knew he couldn't avoid the question now. He was never good at lying to his best friend and every time he did, every time he had hid a secret from her, it hurt him from within. He sighed before he licked his lips. "He asked me out."

Her eyes widened with the words. Silence washed in as Merlin saw how she struggled to accept the fact before she settled down, and something like relief seemed to have flooded in her eyes. "Good," she said with a smile. Merlin raised his eyebrows in a manner when he heard her.

"What?"

"I said, good," she repeated with a grin. "Merlin, that's good news! So, why aren't you dating him yet?"

"I—I'm," Merlin started but he didn't know how to continue that sentence without sounding like he had gotten his heart broken. But she stared at him for a while before her eyes widened a bit bigger than before. The brunet bit his bottom lip, knowing she read through him again.

There it was. Out in the open. He didn't think he would be able to hide that secret for too long, especially when it came to his best friend. "Oh, Merlin," she breathed out, something regretful played in her voice. She took hold one of his hands and squeezed his fingers tight. "You were with somebody before this, weren't you?"

There was a sharp stab in his heart. He laughed bitterly as he decided that he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't keep it in himself anymore. He needed to tell somebody, but most importantly, he needed to tell her. "I wish."

Her grip on his fingers tightened. "What? What do you mean, you wish?"

"I mean, I wished I was with—him," Merlin said as he looked at her warm eyes. "I wish that was it. I wish my heart got broken because we could no longer be together. I wish for many things, Gwen. I wish—I wish I didn't have to feel this way." His voice quietened at the end.

"Merlin," she began. "Is he the reason why you haven't been yourself lately? Is that why you were drowning yourself in work? To forget about him?"

He hesitated to confirm. He really did, but after a second, he nodded. She took in a deep breath. "Tell me what happened. Who was this person? Merlin, let me help you."

"How?" Merlin asked as he looked at her properly. "How can you help me?"

"It helps," she finally said. "It helps to know that someone is willing to be there for you, to listen to you. I can be that person, I have always been that person, Merlin! Why are you acting like you're all alone?" Her voice cracked at the end, and her eyes watered from the same pain he knew that he was inflicting on her.

"Gwen, no, you know I didn't mean it that way," he said as he placed his free hand on hers. "I just didn't think…I thought I could handle it, you know?"

"But you can't, Merlin," she concluded it for him as he nodded weakly. After a few seconds of silence, she finally said, "It's Arthur, isn't it?"

Merlin flinched at his name as he looked away. That was all the confirmation he needed to give her.

"I can't believe this!" she exclaimed harshly under her breath, with anger. "He hurt you and then left you? Did he even come by to apologise?"

Merlin glanced at her before he shook his head. "Gwen, no, it isn't his fault."

It was his fault.

His heart knew that it was his fault as much as it was Merlin's fault.

"Then whose fault is it?" she asked, her voice dropped an octave. "Is it yours? What happened, Merlin?"

"I slept with him," was Merlin's reply. She was dumbfounded once more as her grip on his fingers went slack momentarily.

"What?"

"I slept with him," Merlin repeated as he looked at their interlinked hands. "I let him touch me. I let him do things to me, be with me, I let him in. But it—it wasn't his fault that I got the wrong idea when he—I love him, Gwen. I fell in love with him. But he doesn't feel the same way and he won't because I'm not it. I can't be someone worthy for him. I'm not. So I—ended it."

She kept quiet. The silence never sounded so loud before. "I see," she said, breaking the silence. "I—Merlin, why didn't you tell me?"

"How?" he asked. "How can I tell you that I'm sleeping with Arthur bloody Pendragon? You'll look at me like I lost a nut in the head!"

"And you did!" she said, her eyebrows furrowed deep as a frown appeared on her face. "You were stupid, Merlin. God, you knew all about him. You knew him. And you let him touch you, why?"

"Because when he touched me, I thought he loved me."

There, he said it. His eyes felt wet and his heart started to throb harder. It was aching in his chest and it wouldn't stop. His mind was muddled and he wanted nothing more but to breathe in a paper bag. He needed to or else he was about to hyperventilate. She noticed the slight change in his breathing pattern and sighed slowly.

"Breathe, Merlin, come on, relax," she said before she gave him a wary smile. "I'm not mad. I could never be mad at you. I know you had your reasons for not telling me and now that you told me about it, I—I'm not mad. Or disgusted, or even disappointed. I'm just sad for you, Merlin."

Merlin felt the relief wash into him at the words and immediately, he felt himself relaxing. "Gwen," he croaked out. His voice felt sore as he spoke. "What am I going to do?"

"I take it he didn't react so well when you told him you were in love with him, then? That's why he took that long mission," she said. Merlin simply nodded.

"I ended it between us," he said. "We were only physical but I wanted something else from him, something that he couldn't give to me. So, I didn't want to torture myself anymore and ended it."

"I get it now," she said. "I'm here, Merlin. Whenever you need me. Is that why you're so sceptical about Gwaine?"

Merlin remained quiet before he sighed. "I don't know," he said. "He isn't bad, Gwen. He's—nice. He hears me, he listens to me instead of calling me names, he makes my life seem so much lighter. He does this weird magic tricks that I'm not even sure is a magic trick. He makes me forget about Arthur. He makes me feel…wanted."

"But?" Gwen prodded him, knowing exactly that there was more.

"But I'm not ready yet to start again," he said. "Maybe I never will."

She didn't say anything more this time as she simply squeezed their fingers together. Merlin glanced at her before he gave her a weak smile. All she ever did was smile back and he could read the reassurance that everything would be fine in her eyes. That would not be true this time around, but he appreciated her concern and thanked her mentally.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

He was numb from the pain.

Gwen was cautious with him after that day. For the past two days, she kept an eye on him, like he was some toddler who was about to fall off the cliff. But he didn't realise how much he needed the reassurance that someone cared for him until she was there. He felt relieved that he could finally tell her. The guilt died and it was nice to be able to look at her in the eyes and tell her exactly how he felt.

Gwaine on the other hand, Merlin was still sceptical about him. But he knew that the agent was trying his best to impress him. The brunet just wished he knew if this was a temporary or a permanent thing. He needed to know if Gwaine would still cherish him like this if he agreed to be with him.

His heart protested at the idea. It protested so much that he couldn't even breathe whenever he tried to sleep at night. It seemed that his heart was still stuck on the blond-haired agent. It wanted him so much that Merlin had even woken up gasping for air, searching for something to keep himself grounded only to realise that the thing he was missing was the warmth radiated from the said agent.

Everything about his feelings for Arthur was ridiculous. How could he have fallen in love so deep that he couldn't even climb out of it without injuring himself? It was ridiculous and yet, he couldn't stop himself.

His head was filled with him.

His heart yearned for him.

He himself wanted him.

And he couldn't fucking stop.

He sighed in frustration as he slammed the screwdriver on his desk. "Working too hard, perhaps?" the voice asked, familiar and in humour. Merlin glanced at the agent before rolling his eyes at Gwaine.

"Not really," he said before he faked a smile. "Dumb things." Gwaine stared at him amused for a second, causing Merlin to raise his eyebrows. To be honest, despite his stubborn heart, Gwaine still managed to get him out of his head long enough to enjoy the world that didn't need Arthur in it. It was a relaxing world out there, coloured with independency and self-assurance that everything would be alright.

Gwaine had managed to make him think other things that didn't revolve around the blond-haired agent. For that alone, Gwaine was special in his own ways for making Merlin feel like he could be himself again, even if it was all just for a minute.

"Poor things, it's getting abused by you," he said after a minute.

"Well, I should be pitied, not these things," Merlin said as he glared at the equipment on his table. Then, he felt a hand, touching his face and lifting his chin up so he would look at Gwaine. The brunet's eyes widened, unsure of what was happening when he realised that they were close. "Gwaine? What are you doing?"

"You look better when you smile, Merlin," he said with his own smile and for a second, he felt his heart thumping louder against his chest and his mind slowly going blank. He just stared at the hazel eyes, not realising that somehow, they were getting closer. His breath hitched at his throat when he felt the warmth breath from Gwaine rubbing his upper lip. "Really better."

"G—Gwaine," Merlin said and for a second, his entire body froze when he felt Gwaine's lips on his. It was just for a fleeting second before it was gone, but Merlin was still frozen when Gwaine placed some space between them. His heart quickened and his mind just went white like a blank canvas.

"I—Merlin," Gwaine started. He looked slightly guilty. It was like he hadn't expected he would do that. Gwaine looked like Merlin had punched him in the face. "Sorry, I just, you looked so cute and I—"

"It's," Merlin began, first words out since he was frozen a minute ago. "Gwaine, why? I—I thought I said—"

"I know, and I'm sorry," Gwaine said as he bit his bottom lip. "Merlin, I'm sorry."

The apology was sincere and it cut through all the doubts that Merlin had about the agent. He looked at Gwaine for a minute before he sighed. "Don't—don't do this again. You told me you won't force anything that I'm not ready on me."

"I know," Gwaine said regretfully. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again, I promise."

Merlin watched him silently. He knew he should be angry that Gwaine had touched him when he certainly hadn't consented. Taken him off guard like that was a bad move. But then when he was about to retort, he saw Gwaine's eyes and Merlin realised—they were the same ones as he had when he had looked into Arthur's eyes.

They looked defeated.

"Okay," Merlin said as Gwaine relaxed a bit, though his smile on his face looked strained.

"I'll just—get going," he said after a minute of silence. Merlin didn't stop him.

Merlin really shouldn't have thought that this solitude would last long.

He didn't think he would have to deal with this soon though. Perhaps he should start realising that not everything went about his way. Life had a great deal of fun when it went the wrong direction for him. Like now, for an instance.

He heard the rumours and gossip. They were loud whenever he passed by other agents and other technicians. They were all around him, wrapping him up in this reality that he could never really escape.

When Gwen found him at the hallway, her eyes told her all.

The rumours were true.

Arthur was back.

"Merlin," she started but the brunet simply shook his head.

"I'm not ready," was all he told her as he walked past her and down the hallways to the break-room. He needed coffee. He needed caffeine. He didn't care if he looked like some caffeine-addict. If it calmed his nerves down, he should do it.

So, he drank the hot coffee, ignoring how it burnt his tongue. He didn't know how long he had been spending in the break-room to calm himself down and honestly, work was the last thing on his mind at the moment.

He ran his fingers through his hair as he took a shuddering breath in.

How was he going to face Arthur?

Was Arthur even going to acknowledge him now that he was back?

Merlin didn't know the answers to any of these questions, but somewhere deep in his heart, he hoped he wouldn't have to find out. He didn't want to find out to be honest.

And the only thing he could do now was wait, wasn't it?

Just—wait.