Nalívæ let out a sharp snicker and then covered her mouth, hoping she hadn't disturbed anyone. She had witnessed firsthand the moment when Storvacker had knocked Cullen over, licking his ruff like he was a dirty cub. The scowl and flush of embarrassment on his face had not prevented her from laughing so hard she nearly cried. Eventually, Cullen even managed to smile at it, though not until a few days had passed.
Cullen,
We've had much of the same here in the bowels of the earth. More darkspawn, more spiders, more caves and dark spaces, more bloodstained gears, and more argumentative flirting between Valta and Renn. Bet you can't guess which one of those I actually enjoy. As much as I hate being down here, parts of the Deep Roads are truly magnificent. The sheer scale and majesty of ancient dwarven architecture and engineering takes my breath away. I get a bit giddy when I think that no eyes have settled on these monuments for hundreds of years. But for every fantastic structure, there's a crumbling bridge slowly slipping into the abyss, sunken floors with deep fissures running through them. The fear of misstepping and falling to our deaths hovers around us constantly. We've had a few close calls, especially during combat. Although I'm thankful for the speed and skill of the Inquisition and dwarven construction crews, every time I walk on one of our wooden bridges, my heart is in my mouth. I can never seem to forget the cavernous maw beneath my feet.
And we go on like this, fear and anxiety gnawing away at me as we fight battle after battle. Some days, I barely manage to maintain my sanity. One moment, I'll be recovering from a fight, when I'll suddenly feel the walls closing in on me. Or I'll be marveling at statue of a revered dwarven hero that towers over us, and then it suddenly feels like all of the air in the cave is being sucked away. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm being smothered. This fear has driven me nearly to distraction. I go to bed bone-tired, but I can't sleep. The darkness pushes down on me with what feels like the weight of a whole mountain. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Everyone's caught on to my fear, and they're all trying to help in their own way. Cassandra has started taking the lead more often. If I'm having an especially bad time of it, she'll place her hand on my shoulder. That's Cassandra's version of a hug. Blackwall whittled me a small horse. I don't know where he got the wood, but it's nice to hold onto something not made of stone, something that used to be alive. Sera cracks jokes when she sees me start to go over the edge. They are usually raunchy, mostly about us, with lots of references to desks. Dorian gave me a crystal before I left. It's bright purple and ostentatious, just like him, so it's perfect. It lights up when I touch it, which is a clever little enchantment. The coin you gave me also helps. It gives me a piece of you to hold onto. It's seen me through so much, so I know it will see me through this nightmare. Varric has probably been the most helpful. Aboveground, he's constantly telling stories, but here, they're an even better distraction. He usually regales us with tales of his adventures with Hawke. When I am able to sleep, I drift off with his words in my ear. I especially enjoy the ones about Hawke and Fenris. It's some steamy stuff. Might make for a good companion to Hard in Hightown. Cassandra has been teaching me some of the discipline techniques of the Seekers. Coupled with your breathing exercises and mediation practices, I have felt much calmer. I couldn't ask for a better team down here or back at Skyhold.
I'm probably just letting this gloom and doom get the better of me. I sometimes feel I'm indulging in my fear, letting it get the best of me. If this is even half as debilitating as lyrium withdrawal, I don't know how you even managed to get out of bed during the worst of it, let alone command our forces. You are astounding, Cullen. I don't think I say that enough.
I knew you liked Storvacker! She's absolutely brilliant. We should most certainly have a hold beast for Skyhold. Perhaps a small dragon. Or a pure white halla! Or a magnificent wolf, though I'm not opposed to a Mabari. I do love dogs. I expect more suggestions from my advisors when I return.
Yours,
Nalívæ