A/N: I'm stopping here to thank you all again for all the wonderful feedback! I'm so very impressed that my writing has touched you and provided you a moment of enjoyment. Also I am glad that it sounded realistic enough (this is absolutely what I aimed for!). Well, without much further ado her is chapter 3, I hope you like it as much as the previous ones. We're halfway through our journey! - well, actually more than halfway. Always opened for feedback!
Chapter 3
A single tear streamed down Casey's left cheek and before she could rescue it or turn her face to the other side Olivia caught it with her right thumb, caressing Casey's cheek as she slid her thumb up and dried it on a spot on the couch behind them. Almost immediately after she regretted such blunt and intrusive act of intimacy, shielding herself from her hostess gaze, that she could nevertheless feel burning in the back of her neck. She silently asked herself why Casey Novak made her do things she never expected herself to do and recollected the countless times she was "out of herself" when confronted by the woman's presence, wondering if she was indeed out of herself or actually completely immersed in her own element. Did she even want to know the answer to all her questions? Did she want to know why she had come to this apartment in the stillness of the midnight air instead of in a more appropriate occasion? Or was she ready to disclose to herself the real reasons why she had felt like coming all the way up here at this exact hour was so right, despite all her doubts?
Casey contemplated the sleek curve down Olivia's neck and although she wanted to know why Olivia had her face turned away she couldn't waste a second of that view, she wasn't ready to stop scrutinizing that firm shoulder line or the sharply cut edges of that perfectly shaped short hair, but what caught her eye the most was the jaw line - only partially visible from where she sat - clenched tightly in a way that highlighted the detective's sculpture-like bone structure. She was glad she couldn't be seen right now, for her face assumed a despaired expression, a result of a flood of thoughts and sensations that took over her body and mind, and mostly left her feeling confused and extremely uncertain of what her unexpected guest wanted when first ringing that door bell. Casey didn't doubt for a moment that Olivia was concerned about her well being - she knew Olivia and she knew what a caring person the NYPD detective was - but was she the only one here reading more into this whole visitation? Maybe I want more, she admited, Maybe I always did. She brushed away the thought with a head nod, deciding this was not the hour or the situation for that. Her head would have to stay where it was and her body would have to do her the favor of not pulling up any surprises. God knows she had already humiliated herself enough already, she didn't need to do that in front of Olivia. Breaking down was already embarrassment enough for that night.
"Liv? Is everything okay?", she held Olivia's wrist gently, hoping the touch wasn't too much.
"Yes, it is", her voice came out coarse, causing her to clear her throat quietly, "I spaced out a bit, I'm sorry".
"It's okay. I spaced out too. What were you thinking of?", she asked softly.
Silence made its presence known once again. Olivia gazed down at a random spot on her pants' leg and smiled delicately, that Olivia Benson "I'm not sure if I should say this" smile.
"You don't have to say it if you don't want to. I... I shouldn't have asked", Casey completed.
"It's alright. I just don't want to upset you, that's all", she said, sinking lower into the couch, in a position that now mirrowed Casey's and allowed her to be eye to eye with her hostess.
"You couldn't, Liv", she exhaled slowly, almost as if confessing it to a priest.
"I was just thinking about the future. In general, really... But of course it involves you", Olivia stated carefully.
"You already hate the new ADA?", her lips curled up in a smile but her eyes were on the verge of overflowing.
"Well, as a matter of fact, I do", Olivia lowered her head and frowned, "I don't hate her, but I didn't like her".
Her sentence sounded unfinished and Casey was in no hurry to interfere. They stared at each other meticulously, questioning, wanting, and extremely frightened, as if they were two little girls who've never seen the ocean, desperate to enjoy it, but afraid of throwing themselves into the unknown.
"And I miss you", she made a brief pause and quickly completed, "She doesn't understand SVU like you do".
"Well, I didn't either, in the beginning", she remarked, eyebrows raised, almost as if challenging Olivia.
"She doesn't understand us like you do. And I don't think she will", Olivia sighed and rubbed her nose harshly, "It's probably silly of me to say this, but it's hard on us too. I just wanted you to know that we miss you".
"It's not silly. It's very sweet of you. I miss you too... Everyone", Casey wiped away a tear and cleared her throat a little louder than she expected to.
"Yeah...", she bit her lip and prayed to heavens that she found a better thing to say, mentally cursing herself for forgetting everything she had planned on her path to this apartment.
"I was thinking about the future too, just now. I'm so afraid, Liv. I don't know what to do. I even said this to Elizabeth - as if the whole conversation I had with her wasn't shameful enough", Casey once again hid her face on her palms, but this time she was surprised by Olivia's hands moving hers away, and she couldn't help but to turn to the detective with questioning eyes, more shocked than irritated at the unexpected touch.
"I know you are, Case. But there's gotta be something that you can do... Maybe you could take a sabbatical?", she tangled her fingers with Casey's, as if stating that there was no need to hide and that she was right there, they would find a way out together.
"Why is she being this nice to me?", Casey wondered, but she didn't dare to question her luck or wish otherwise. She felt comfortable there, safe. Olivia lit up this place like it hadn't been for ages, and she was ready to enjoy every precious moment of it, even if it was just for a night.
"I thought about it, but I don't think I could spent a year without doing anything. I'm too restless for that", she smiled shyly, brushing the idea away as she waved her hand.
"I relate", Olivia smiled in sympathy, "Is there something you like to do? A hobby, or something like it?".
"Well...", she became silent and pensive, leaving Olivia unsure whether she was searching for something inside her mind or deciding whether or not to share.
Casey untangled her fingers from Olivia's and twisted her body on the couch, scanning her eyes on a wall a few feet behind from where they sat. Olivia couldn't help but to think of a large, elegant cat when Casey started moving, her widened brown eyes tracing the woman's graceful shoulders and gazing down the curved spine that rested on the large set hips, now lifted from their sit. This was the first time she had been fully aware of Casey Novak's body, the first time she was able to follow the curves with her eyes and memorize the pattern of her shapes and how her body moved, she was now able to think that not only Casey's face and chest were reminiscent of a renaissance marble statue, but her figure was also a part of that same essence.
"See those on the wall?", Casey pointed to the largest paintings on display.
This was the first time since her arrival that she noticed the various paintings hanging by the walls, all differently themed but mostly painted in dark colors, that matched the dark connotations they appeared to have. The ones Casey pointed to were the ones that attracted the eye the most, not only for their expanded size compared to the others, but because of the intensity of the colors and of the body expressions of the figures in them: the first one was lady justice standing alone by a beige background positioned like liberty on "Liberty Guiding The People" but, unlike the french painting, lady justice has her head forward, almost as if staring onto the horizon, the future, despite being blindfolded; the second one had a little girl in a red dress - a few rips noticeable in the ends of the dress - as its main figure, she is thrown to the floor in the middle of a rather consuming dark forrest with tall trees, near her there is a footprint and on the right upper corner one can catch a glimpse of a male's silhouette, apparently fleeing the place; on the left lower corner one can see blue and red lights (indicating sirens) and in plain view there is a female leg and torso in a running position, towards the girl; it's possible to see the woman's boot, pants and brown leather jacket, as well as a lock of short dark hair, by her position it's logic to assume she is coming to the little girl's aid and to catch the guy fleeing the scene.
"They're so intense", Olivia commented, eyes fixed and unable to stop looking at them, "Specially the second one, the one to the right".
"And the woman on the lower corner looks just like me", she felt like pointing out, but decided not to for a countless amount of reasons, embarrassment and fear of a negative reply being two of them.
"Yeah, I thought this one would catch your eye", she said, hoping Olivia didn't notice how her sentence gave out that she had already imagined how it would be if the detective ever visited this room.
"You painted these, Case?", now she stared deep into the waves of Casey's green eyes, thinking again how much she reminded her of a cat.
"I did. These two a while ago, actually". Casey wondered if she was indeed blushing or if the warmness on her cheeks was just embarrassment once again.
"Wow, Case", her expression matched the astonishment in her voice, "They're really incredible. What did you name them?".
"The first one is Lady Justice Guiding the People - not very original, I know. The second one is None Shall Pass, it's a provisory title, but I never found a better one", she said, placing a sliding lock of hair back behind her ear.
"I like it. They match the paintings. The second one..."; she paused, mouth half opened, bright eyes still focused on the frame hanging across the room.
"You look so lovely...", Casey thought.
"...I'm speechless, really. You're very talented", Olivia held the soft, pale hands again, now bringing them closer to her body, "Very talented, Casey. I'm sure you will find something to do in the meantime. It's not much, but you have my support, no matter what you choose to do", her voice was low, almost whispered.
"It's everything, Olivia. Thank you. Thank you so much", these were the only words she managed to say before her voice died and the tears came down in waterfalls down her cheeks again.
Olivia embraced her again, this time tighter, without any reservations or pleasantries, she grasped for Casey as if the tighter she pressed the safer she could make her feel, and she was proved to not be wrong in her assumption when she felt her jacket being pressed onto again, this time the fabric being pulled so vigorously that her under blouse no longer touched her back. After blanking out for a while Olivia came to realize that this moment wasn't only about Casey letting herself be or about Casey allowing herself to break down in her arms, this was also about Olivia allowing herself to give in, to suffer a loss, to let go of her "I can handle it" facade and just be there for someone without necessarily having to be a voice of strength or composure, that's when she realized that her eyes had been pouring in slow cascades ever since Casey showed her the two paintings, and that only with that embrace she had allowed herself to actually cry, silently, discreetly, but still, crying like she hadn't permitted her own eyes to in ages.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably able to fit inside twenty minutes, Casey abruptly stopped crying, hands unclenching from the black leather jacket that had been her fort throughout the night, her shallow breath coming out of her nose and mouth in slow warm waves that descended through Olivia's neck and parted in two ways, one inside the blouse and down her spine and another down her bosom, where the warmth calmly rested in between her breasts. Olivia inhaled Casey's scent, allowing it to consume her nostrils and overpower any other smell that could be present in the room, delighted, she smiled to herself and pushed away any questions that could cloud her mind and keep her from enjoying the serendipity of that moment. It was the most intimate contact she had had with anyone in months and she wasn't ready to let rationality get in the way of her seeing what would happen from it, she felt like the worst that could happen was that she supported a friend and got the ideas from a close situation, and that didn't sound as bad as just remaining afraid, excusing herself and walking away on Casey sounded. "Nothing happened. Nothing has to happen", she thought. But she didn't let herself know what "nothing" meant, or what composed the range of ideas she had in mind.
Casey broke off the embrace and started to tangle her fingers through her hair, massaging her own scalp in circles before brushing down the strands of hair, as if trying to compose herself one strand at a time. She avoided Olivia's stare by focusing her eyes on one of the baby pink dots on her oversized polka-dot pajama top, hands now occupied with smoothing the fabric of the carolina blue satin pajama pants and brushing off imaginary bits of dust from it, as if this was a very important task that needed to be attended to without fault. Her face was still twisted in a pained expression, a frown taking over her forehead, her delicate nose turned read from crying still running and her usual light pink lips now a shade away from red from being bitten so hard.
"Casey?", she inquired, wiping away her own tears, hoping it wasn't noticeable that she had been crying too.
"Yeah", she replied, still not looking up, but rather watching her own hands unbutton and button back the last button of her top.
"It's okay if you want to keep on crying", Olivia tried to sound as reassuring as she felt she could, "Do you want to cry?".
She sighed deeply and finally raised her head up, first glancing at the ceiling and making Olivia's attentive brown eyes her last stop.
"I'm tired of crying", she smiled sarcastically, looking almost as if she was tired and disgusted at herself, "All I've done is cry, ever since Donnelly gave me that goddamn paper. I almost started crying in front of her. I haven't stopped ever since".
She sighed once again, sinking her elbows on her thighs and burying her face on her hands, wanting to disappear - or wishing she never had existed in the first place. Olivia had gone all the way here, to help her, to show her support, and all she could do was cry and think the most inappropriate things possible. She wished she could just ignore all the signs her body sent about Olivia, just not think at all about how good she smelled even after a day's work, or how splendid she looked despite (and with) the whole chaotic world around her, or how she still managed to keep her softness against all odds, not wonder if Olivia's thoughts had ever been occupied by her when off duty, or if this feeling that burned deep inside her gut - and that now they were alone and unattached to each other became more intense - was worth pursuing or not. Remaining paralyzed was not a part of her repertoire of behaviors, but now that this tide of feelings swept away any logic or sense from her, being still was all she could do until the silence was broken.
"I understand", Olivia replied smoothly, "What do you want to do?", she completed.
Casey lifted her head up slowly,dropping her hands on her lap, and faced Olivia, staring deep into her eyes, with a completely fixed gaze. Olivia shivered, but nevertheless remained on the same position, not daring to move her eyes one inch away from the stare. "I wish you hadn't asked that", Casey thought.
"Right now?", her question was quickly answered with a nod, "This".
Moving closer to her, Casey carefully held Olivia's face on her hands, thumbs tracing through the half opened lips that seemed to mirror her own desire. "Can I?", she mouthed, breath so close the other woman could inhale it and claim it hers at that moment. "Yes", a coarse voice replied, unsure of how she was still able to speak.
Leaning in closer, Casey turned the space in between their lips into something inexistent, and Olivia savoured it slowly, body shivering as Casey's warm tongue found its way through her mouth as if it had always belonged there to begin with.