PART THREE
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Jareth looked into his crystal balls and smiled.
"She's in the oubliette!"
The goblins surrounding him cheered and orgasmed in happiness. "FUCK Yeeeeeaaah!" one cried.
"Shut the hell up," Jareth ordered, "She should not have gotten as far as the oubliette. She should have given up by now!"
A particularly opinionated goblin, by the name of Spanky, spoke up, "She'll never give up!" he predicted.
Jareth's face fell, "Won't she?" he asked, sighing.
"No." Spanky said.
"I've sent Dobby to mess with her shit. She'll soon give up when she realises she has to start all over again!" Jareth laughed heartily and then paused when he realised none of the gross little goblins were laughing.
Spanky raised an eyebrow at him, his wrinkly little hands on his hips, "Umm…no she won't!" he said in his high-pitched goblin voice.
"WHAT?" Jareth snapped. How dare a pathetic little poop-resembling creature disagree with him?
"Look," Spanky sighed, "Alls am sayin is that that bitch ain't gonna give up. She's a survivor. It's the eye of the tiger. It's the thrill of the fight."
"You're fired." Jareth said, sneering.
Spanky joined his two thumbs together and held up his fingers in the universal 'whatever' sign. "Whatever man," he drawled, turning to leave the castle and the goblin city forever. "Whatever."
He packed his little suitcase and set out on his way. Who knew where the road ahead would lead him. He would leave Jareth's kingdom and travel the world. He would cross over rivers and mountains searching for that rare pearl; a girl who would look past his goblin appearance and see the Zac Efron inside.
Jareth turned to his remaining goblins and glared at them. "Well, LAUGH!" he ordered.
They obeyed.
..
Sarah could see nothing but darkness. The ground beneath her felt muddy. Just to check, she picked some up and ate it. Sure enough it was muddy, muddy, mud. She threw up.
Suddenly there was the sound of a match striking and an ugly, leathery face appeared inches from her own.
"Let's make out!" the creature said.
"Urrgh!" Sarah cried, pushing him away "Go away Robert Pattinson!"
The creature sighed, "It's me you dumb bitch, DOBBY!"
"Yeah whatever, Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"
"DOBBY!" cried Dobby, "Spell it…D.O.B.B.Y!"
"Well what the fuck do you want?" Sarah snapped, "Can't you see I've just been molested by the groping hands? I'm not in the mood to talk to hideous warty freaks at the moment."
"YOU'RE IN AN OUBLIETTE!" Dobby screamed, going purple in the face.
"Oh," Sarah said, glancing around at the dirty cave walls. On one wall someone had written 'Wolf & Virginia 4eva'. Below it was written 'Wendell smells of dog-shit'. Sarah nodded, understanding.
"YOU don't even know what an oubliette is!" Dobby accused.
"And you do?" Sarah raised an eyebrow, "You don't know poo from pee!"
"Yes I do," he said indignantly, "An oubliette is a place of pure imagination. Take a look and you'll see into your imagination. We'll begin with a spin, travelling in the world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation."
"Are you on drugs?" Sarah inquired.
Dobby scowled and farted in her general direction.
"Look," she said, trying to be a little bit friendlier, "I'll give you this empty coca cola bottle if you'll show me the way back into the labyrinth."
"OOOooooaaaah!" Dobby salivated, "PLASTIC!" he glanced around to check there weren't any Jareth heads carved into the walls that could be listening in. "Well, er, okay." He took the bottle and shoved it down the front of his trousers. Then he laughed.
"Look!" he cried, gesturing to himself, "I look like Jareth now, get it?"
Sarah stared at him; her eyes wide like big dumb cow eyes. She didn't get it.
Dobby sighed; obviously his sophisticated humour was just too much for some people to handle. He walked over to the left wall and pulled open a wooden door that had just appeared. It opened to show a room filled with porn videos and magazines.
"Oops," he said, blushing. "That's my bedroom."
He closed the door and then opened it from the other side, "Ah…here we go!" he motioned for Sarah to step through.
They emerged from the oubliette into a twisting tunnel with a low ceiling. Carved onto the wall were enormous ugly faces.
"Vanessa Hudgens posed naked again!" One intoned dramatically.
"Pardon me?" Sarah asked.
"You might be pregnant!" Another advised, frowning disapprovingly.
Sarah put her hands on her hips and puffed her chest out angrily. "I'll have you know," she said, "I am yet to be de-virginified."
"Chuck from Gossip Girl might leave the show!" answered another face, a lonely teardrop on its cheek.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sarah cried, "He's my freakin favourite character!"
Dobby sighed, "Don't pay any attention to them. They're just false alarms; you get a lot of them in the Labyrinth. Especially when you're on the right track!"
"That hot guy…" one began.
"Oh shut the fuck up!" Dobby snapped, his wrinkles furrowing angrily.
"Aww please," the face said, "I haven't said it in such a long time!"
"FINE!" Dobby screeched, "But don't expect a big reaction."
The face turned sullen, "Well then I ain't fucking telling you. There's a stage leavin' at noon. BE ON IT!"
"Well of all the nerve," Dobby dragged Sarah past the face. She was still stuck on what the other face had said about Chuck and almost didn't notice the crystal ball that rolled past her feet.
Dobby did notice it. "Oh NO!" he cried, peeing his pants.
The crystal ball boogied over to where Steven Tyler sat, groovily playing his harmonica. There was a tin cup in front of him and the crystal plopped in to it. Steven looked up, his eyes alight with suspicion.
"I say," he said, "What have we here?"
"Er…nothin…" Dobby said, giving Sarah a good kick on the bum to keep her moving.
"Nothing?" asked Steven Tyler, standing up, "Nothing? Nothing, Tralalalalala?"
"What the fuck does taarlaaalara mean?" Sarah asked, misquoting.
Steven suddenly ripped away his skin to reveal that underneath, he was the Goblin King currently known as Jareth. He smiled in a sexy, wicked, naught, evil, conniving, charming way and approached the house elf.
"Harry," he sighed.
"Ron!" Sarah interjected, standing up for her smelly friend.
"DOBBY! Its DOBBY BITCHES!" Dobby screamed.
"Well Donny," Jareth sighed, "I thought I told you to take this dumb broad back to the beginning of the Labyrinth."
"Er…yeah well, fuck you." Dobby said, spitting on Jareth's boot. Jareth kicked him in the face.
"WHAT?" Sarah cried, losing all faith in the kindness of strangers. "Youuuuu betrayyyed meeeeeee!"
"No bitch, I wasn't going to do it. Are you deaf?" Dobby growled at her.
"What is that down your pants?" Jareth asked suddenly, looking at Dobby's newly large bulge.
"My bloody penis, pervert!" Dobby snapped.
Jareth narrowed his eyes and turned to walk sexily, smoothly and haughtily over to Sarah.
"And how about you Sarah?" he whispered, his breath a caress against her skin, "How are you enjoying my Labyrinth?"
Sarah tore her eyes away from his groin and stared at him defiantly. "Frankly, it sucks," she said. "You should get some clowns or something."
Jareth nodded in an irritated manner. He pointed at a clock which had just appeared out of nowhere. "Just for that you now have lost 5 hours 4 minutes and 2 seconds."
"That's not FAIR!" Sarah cried, "I was just being honest, don't you want honest customer response? Do you have a guestbook?"
Jareth ignored her and took some crystal balls out of his pockets.
"So you think the Labyrinth sucks do you?" he asked, raising his eyebrows dangerously. "Well….SUCK ON THIS, BITCH!"
He threw the balls and they turned into an old lady with a broom and a bottle of polish. Dobby screamed. How would they ever escape from the Cleaner?
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To be continued!!