Dinner at the Broflovski home had been uneventful that evening. Kyle had learned long ago to avoid the subjects of any moral outrage and the "what if"s of life and just enjoy his mother's cooking if he didn't want to start a fight. His mother had tucked him in hours ago, but at a quarter to midnight, Kyle walked the empty streets of his neighborhood towards Stan's house. The snow that always seemed to lightly fall in South Park had picked up heavily that evening making visibility low. Kyle had grabbed his father's industrial flashlight from the garage to make his trip a bit easier. He made it to the Marsh back yard and clicked the flashlight on and off to see if Stan would catch his signal in his room.

The light in Stan's room flicked on and off back at him and after a moment Stan emerged out of the back door. Kyle rolled his eyes at what his best friend was wearing.

"Watch out, Stan Marsh is dressed in all black. He means serious business."

"Shut up. I've had enough shit for one day. Unless you want me to start on your hat…or your hair."

"Fine, fine. I just don't see the point in going all incognito. Unless…"

"Unless what?"

"You're not wearing all black to go Goth again are you?"

"What? No! My regular clothes are in the wash so I threw these on. But any extra camouflage is good. I am grounded."

"Good, because the way you were whining about Wendy in chat, I was getting worried. What did you get grounded for, dude?"

"For not believing my family's bullshit."

Kyle had bent down to scratch Stan's dog behind the ears. He looked up at his obviously troubled best friend.

"It can't be that bad can it? Are you okay?"

"Why does everybody keep asking that? Yes I'm fine. I'm still the same Stan nobody notices and I'm perfectly okay with that!"

"Jesus Christ, mellow out dude. I'm just trying to be a good friend."

Just then Kenny entered the yard from the opposite direction. He had been in a pretty good mood that evening. His parents had started fighting during dinner and he and his brother had snagged the remaining pop tart off the plate and split it. Dinner and a show! His smile faltered a bit seeing his friend's faces, not that anyone could see Kenny's face through his hood or anything.

"Hey, dudes, what's going on?"

"Nothing!" Stan said curtly.

Kyle had to roll his eyes again. "I think Stan's mad no one is paying attention to him."

"What? That's not what I said at all, Kyle!"

Kenny laughed at his friend's melodrama. "If you're worried about attention from girls, I think you're fine. My locker is next to Bebe's and she and Wendy would not shut up about you after your dad took you home."

Stan's small burst of anger was replaced by self-doubt. "What were they saying about me?"

"Wendy was embarrassed for having to change clothes and ranting about how it's all your fault and Bebe kept repeating over and over, 'he'll grow out of it, he'll grow out of it.'"

"I really embarrassed Wendy out on the playground, didn't I? Just how many people saw?"

Kyle was still playing with the dog. "I didn't see anything. I wasn't really paying attention though."

"It's the same bullshit that goes on every time Wendy tries to kiss you, it's not that big of a deal, dude. Besides you have Wendy's best friend defending you. Like Bebe said, you'll grow out of it."

"I'll grow out of it? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Kyle finally got up. "It means that one day, when you're more mature, you won't puke on Wendy when she tries to be affectionate. Enough of this now: I have the map ready, if you guys want to see it."

"Pull it out in the clubhouse. I don't want the map to get wet from the snow."

Kenny started to giggle. "Can you imagine if Stan didn't grow out of it? Wendy would try to give him a blowjob and he'd puke in her hair? She'd have to wear a shower cap or something."

Kyle joined in on the laughter and Stan responded by grabbing Kenny by the hood and throwing him towards the club house's direction. "Shut up and get up the ladder. We have animals to save!"

Kenny started up the ladder, still giggling and when he reached the top he let out an excited "Whoo hoo!" Kyle was right behind him and quickly clicked on his flashlight at something in the corner. Kenny had gotten an eyeful being the first up the ladder and Kyle had seen a bit but by the time Stan got up there Nurse Goodly had already shrugged her blouse back on. Ned sat up from behind her, his one arm reaching from behind to help her button the front of her shirt. Kyle looked away in horror, quickly shutting off the flashlight while Kenny continued to stare. Stan started to grow angry; even if Ned wasn't related by blood to the Marshes, Stan was sick of everyone even associated with his family.

"What the hell, Ned! This is my clubhouse, we play up here!" Little did Stan know his parents would often do the exact same thing in their son's clubhouse. It was one of the few things keeping their marriage together.

Nurse Goodly's face was beet red as she shrugged on her jacket. "You won't tell your parents about this will you, Stanley?"

Stan was about to respond when Ned interrupted him with his sexy yet mechanical voice. "Mmm, what are you kids doing out so late?"

"Nothing we were just…hanging out." Kyle did his best to hide the map behind his back while Kenny just stared.

"Mmm I'll cut a deal with you Stan. You don't tell anyone about this and I'll look the other way at what you boys are doing."

Stan looked over at his friends and Kyle quickly nodded in agreement. "Okay, deal."

Kenny continued to stare.

Ned smirked back at them, thinking he had gotten the sweet end of the deal. He finished putting on his clothes and climbed one handedly out of the clubhouse. Stan looked down with mild curiosity, to see how a woman with no arms would climb down. Rita jumped and Ned caught her easily. Stan thought it was a bit romantic in a freakish way but Kenny, and Kyle especially didn't care. With the boobs gone, Kenny had snapped out of it and was holding the flashlight while Kyle smoothed the printed out map on the clubhouse floor.

Stan watched Ned and Rita escape out the fence door and then joined his friends in a circle, ready to get down to business. "The company is called Glimmer Corp and it's hidden away in the back woods. The two closest landmarks are Stark's Pond and Mephesto's freaky laboratory. It's way too far away to walk, so we'll have to borrow my dad's truck." Stan pulled his dad's truck keys out of his pocket. While Uncle Jimbo had a rabbit's foot on his keys, Randy's keychain was a bottle opener. Fitting.

Kenny spoke up. "Glimmer Corp? That's a faggy name."

"A faggy name for a company that makes useless products at the expense of hurting animals!"

Kyle sighed at Stan's remark. "I did a bit of research on the company after you stopped responding. They not only manufacture makeup but soap and shampoo as well. Stuff we probably all use every day."

Stan looked down at his hands and clothes with a horrified expression. "Oh God, I bet I just used some of that stuff, I took a shower a few hours ago!"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "So what, Stan? You're not going to take showers now or something?"

"Then Wendy really won't like you anymore." Kenny smirked.

"No! Just, knowing I used some of those products."

"Look, Stan, it's like the veal issue again. I was in that time to save baby cows from ever having a chance at life like I'm in this mission to save cats, dogs and rabbits from having makeup tested on them. Animal testing is necessary sometimes, for medical research. Your life may be saved by it one day."

"I still don't like it, Kyle."

Kenny gave his friends a quizzical look, "You guys tried to save baby cows? Is that why the name changed after I... never mind."

Stan snorted, "Yeah, dude, you didn't remember us doing that? You were probably asleep again."

Kenny just crossed his arms and grumbled to himself as Kyle pulled out a picture of the Glimmer Corp building he had gotten off the Internet, "Here it is, dudes. It looks like a bitch to get inside."

Stan picked up the picture and examined it, "We'll just have to go in through the roof, like last time. Just one problem."

"What?" Kenny said.

"We're going to have to get someone to help us that owns a Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set."

Kyle groaned, "You mean Cartman? We're going to have to ask Cartman to help us rescue animals? We might as well give up now."

"We're not giving up! And besides I might get him to agree somehow." Stan jingled his dad's car keys, "Come on, lets go."

After making sure the coast was clear for Ned and Rita, Stan unlocked his dad's truck and Kenny took his position on the floor to work the pedals.

Kenny and Stan were getting quite good at driving Randy's truck together since they started doing it two years ago. The summer before third grade, Stan had been stuck inside his house all day with no one but Grandpa to watch him. Bored and hungry, Stan kept bothering his grandfather to take him to go eat and out of sheer frustration and no motivation to live, Marvin shoved his car keys and twenty bucks into Billy's hand and told him if he wanted pizza so badly, he could go get it himself. Stan ran down to the friend's house which was closest to his and the two little boys spent the afternoon shakily learning to drive Marvin's blue Impala at a snail's pace until they made it to Whistling Willies where they spent the afternoon having fun. Since then they often took joy rides, usually inviting Kyle along. Kyle refused to have any part in the actual driving, saying it was unsafe for Kenny to be on the floor like that. Stan always insisted he steer since it was always his family's vehicles they 'borrowed'.

Kyle climbed into the passenger's seat and clicked his seat belt into place. Stan, as the driver, had to lean forward on his knees to see over the steering wheel. He started the truck and turned on the windshield wipers full blast to combat the rapidly falling snow. Kenny took his position sitting cross legged on the floor, carefully pressing the gas pedal as Stan tried to back the truck out of the driveway, turning the wheel all the way to the left, causing the truck's back wheel to hop the curb.

"Brake, Kenny! Brake!"

Kenny pressed the brake and Stan put the truck in drive and turned the wheel the other way straightening it out as the boys headed towards Cartman's house.

Kyle looked at the back window. "You guys are getting better at backing up: you didn't even hit the neighbor's trashcan, like last time."

"Yeah, I can drive almost perfectly if we just keep going in a straight line, and my dad hasn't caught on yet either."

"That's because you just have to hold the wheel, Stan. I'm the one down here doing all the work."

"And you do a good job, dude. We're there alrea-BRAKE KENNY BRAKE!"

Kenny slammed on the brake again but with the road becoming icy the car skidded a bit, going past Cartman's house and taking out their neighbor's trashcan.

"I take back what I said." Kyle's hands were gripped tightly around his seatbelt.

"You have to give me more warning than that, Stan!"

"Sorry! We've never driven on roads this icy. I heard my mom telling my dad to go slower than normal. Don't press the gas so hard, Kenny!"

Stan parked the car and the three boys got out. Judging by the glow coming from the window by the front door, the TV was still on. The boys peeked through the window and could see the pause screen from Call Of Duty: Black Ops, with Cartman dozing in front of the TV, Xbox controller still in hand. Stan knocked softly on the glass.

"Psst, Cartman? Cartman, wake up."

Cartman rolled over on the couch and started thrashing wildly in his sleep and mumbling incoherently. Kyle knocked on the front door and shook the door handle.

"Wake up, fatass!"

Cartman threw his controller clear across the room, ripping his headset off and sat up quickly, looking over at the window. He saw Stan in the window and could hear Kyle shouting. God, he hated those guys he hung out with, but they had just woken him up from a nightmare. He could at least give them the pleasure of saying no to whatever they wanted. Besides, any chance to piss off Kyle would at least amuse Cartman more than the crappy game he was playing.

He got up and unlocked the door, "What?"

Kenny giggled at him, "What the hell was wrong with you back there?"

"I was having a horrible nightmare about hippie Jews on welfare, so it makes perfect sense you three assholes show up. What do you want?"

Stan cut right to the chase, "Cartman we need your help."

"No."

"But you don't even know what we're asking for yet!"

"Fine, tell me what you want and I can say no again."

"We need your Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set."

"Oh Christ, that toy is only fun because when you guys ask to use it I can say no. No Stan."

"But we have innocent animals to save!"

"I don't care. You know what? I had little tortured baby cow for dinner tonight, Stan! The new name just makes it funny on top of it being delicious."

Both Stan and Kenny looked horrified and both held Kyle back as he lunged at Cartman.

"You are the biggest piece of shit! Stan wants to save dogs, rabbits and cats. Cats, fatass! You have a cat, or did you eat that for dinner as well?"

Cartman glared at all three of them as he started to close the front door. Stan pushed Kyle back and stuck his foot in the door.

"Kenny, please take Kyle to cool off."

"I can go on my own Stan!" Kyle stomped off towards the car and Kenny shrugged and followed.

Stan looked back to see a small twitch of a smile on Cartman's lips as he watched Kyle stomp around in circles, ranting at Kenny.

"We can negotiate, can't we?"

"Stan, you know I hate you least of all. I'm willing to negotiate, maybe even give you my Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set if the price is right."

Oh boy. "I don't have any money."

Cartman stepped out of his house and placed a hand on Stan's shoulder. They both watched as Kyle grabbed a stick and starting smacking the trunk of the tree in Cartman's front yard. Kenny kept trying to talk to him while trying to avoid being hit at the same time.

"No money needed. I'll give you my Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set and you don't have to do anything at all."

Stan cocked an eyebrow at Cartman. "I don't have to do anything?"

"Kahl on the other hand…"

"Here we go."

"It's nothing bad, Stan. I just think with Kyle's severe attitude problem, a night of readjustment might do him some good. Just look at him: he's awfully angry isn't he?"

Across the yard, Kenny gave up trying to talk to Kyle and grabbed hold of the stick, trying to pull it away from him. Kyle continued to rant and curse as the boys played tug of war.

"Because you made him that angry, fatass."

"There we go with the insults again, Stan. I would like for just one day for you guys, my friends, to only say positive things to me."

Stan frowned and stepped away from Cartman. "I'm nice to you, well…most of the time."

"Which is why I'd love to help you with your little cat and dog problem. You do need my Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set, right?"

"Yeah. But what do you want? Kyle to be nice to you?"

"I don't want to hear Kahl speak, unless it's a direct and honest complement on how kewl I am."

"You want honest comments from Kyle on your good points? I don't think that's possible from either of you."

"I knew you wouldn't go for it, Stan, you pussy. I didn't want to give up my awesome Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set anyway. It's too much fun having it when I know you really want it."

Cartman laughed and started to shut his door again when Stan stopped him. "Wait, I'll at least talk to Kyle. Just go get it, okay?"

Cartman simply smiled and shut the door in Stan's face. Stan took a deep breath and briefly pinched the bridge of his nose in preparation with now having to deal with Kyle and his famous temper. He was well aware that none of his friends really gave half a fuck about animals as he did but they had to at least help because they cared about HIM, right? His family was a lost cause but he could at least count on his friends, right? He probably should have taken Kyle's half-joking suggestion of inviting Wendy to help them out. The fighting might have been worse but she would at least whip them into shape.

Stan watched Kenny and Kyle struggle back and forth, each pulling one end of the stick. Kenny finally let go, causing Kyle to fall forward. Kenny took this opportunity to pin his friend down by sitting on his back. He grabbed Kyle by the back of his hair and shoved his face into the snow, Kyle's ranting quickly being muffled. It was the perfect way to curb Kyle's anger, treat him like a seizure victim.

Stan approached the two. "Jesus, Kenny, where did you learn to do that?"

"My parents and pro wrestling. Maybe my parents watching too much pro wrestling. Or most likely my parents getting too drunk while watching pro wrestling. All of the above?"

"Okay I'm calm now, Kenny, you can let me go now!"

"No! Kenny, keep him pinned for a bit. Cartman will let me keep the Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set if Kyle does something for the rest of the night."

Meanwhile Cartman was up in his room, watching the scene from his window. Only when he heard Kyle yell "WHAT?" and struggle to get up, as Kenny and Stan held him down, did Cartman look in his closet for the box to the Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set. With all of Kyle's yelling, Cartman was glad his mom stopped answering knocks at her door by 9pm. After cooking dinner, she had gone into her room with some guy to help her do her taxes, or so she said. Cartman knew it was probably bullshit but she left him alone to play Xbox as long as he liked. She just better be up at the crack of dawn to make him pancakes AND waffles with all the fixings and let him choose like she did every Saturday morning.

Cartman came downstairs with the box in his hand to be met with a glaring Kyle held firmly in place between Stan and Kenny.

"Did he agree, Stan?"

"Yeah, he did."

Cartman placed the box in Stan's hands, "It was excellent doing business with you gentlemen."

"Can we just go?" Kyle grumbled.

"Kahl?"

"Can we go…you have nice shoes, fa-Cartman."

"Why thank you, Kahl, my meem got them for me."

Kyle rolled his eyes and made a dramatic show of getting into the truck. Cartman got in as well, shoving Kyle to the side, taking up the passenger's seat and Stan and Kenny took their position in the driver's seat, Stan starting up the truck again.

"Now, Kenny, press the gas slowly. I want to go all the way up Bonanza Street and take Sundance Street all the way into the woods." Stan instructed.

"Why take the long way dude?"

"Whose bright idea was it to name all the streets in South Park after western stuff?"

"Not where I live, Cartman, all the street names are in Spanish over there."

"Well of course I don't count that area, Kinny. It was probably an awesome idea to name all the streets in the ghetto in a foreign language to confuse all the alcoholics hanging around there, hoping they'd get lost and freeze out in the snow."

"Fuck you! Kyle, hit Cartman for me please!"

Kyle swiftly punched Cartman in the back of the head but kept silent.

"Ay! Watch it, Kahl! You have to be nice to me! Stan said so."

All eyes turned to Stan whose eyes were glued to the window on the driver's side of the car. "Can you slow down even more on this street, Kenny? For the weather?"

Kenny obeyed but Kyle had to speak up. "Stan, doesn't Wendy live on Sundance Street?"

"Ay!"

"Doesn't Wendy live on Sundance Street? Cartman I like your…hat."

"Kahl, if you want to be able to talk and let Stan keep my Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set, you're going to have to come up with better complements than that."

Kyle considered punching Cartman again but just crossed his arms and looked over at Stan, whose eyes were glued to the window.

"Yeah, this is Wendy's street. All the lights off are in her house. She must be asleep."

"Of course Stan's stupid girlfriend lives on the one street named after that lame hippie film festival."

"Oh God. I'm going to speed up then, Stan." Kenny pressed the gas as the boys sped up on the rest of the street.

"The Sundance Film Festival was mine and Wendy's first date."

"What are you gonna throw up in the car, Stan?" Cartman laughed.

"You better not! I'm down here helping you drive, asshole."

"What if it's over between us again?"

Kyle had to choose his next words carefully, not only to comply with Cartman, but not to make Stan the mess he was last time he and Wendy broke up. Stan could be such a fucking idiot when it came to his girlfriend but Kyle never liked seeing his best friend depressed.

"You know, Stan, you can't define your entire self on whether you're dating Wendy or not. We spend a lot more time with you and know you so much better than she does. Think about it, Stan we're about to save some animals because of you. You care more than the average person…"

"Kahl?"

Kyle turned to Cartman and gave him a deadpan stare. "And, Cartman, your intellect can only be surpassed by your waistline."

"See, Kahl? Complements aren't that hard to come up with."

At that Kenny stated to laugh uncontrollably while Kyle just smirked. Cartman seemed genuinely pleased at Kyle's complement as Stan ignored them all, hearing that term to describe him again. Average was becoming a dirty word to him.

"I'm above average at caring?"

"See, Stan? When Wendy dumps you, Kahl will be right there to take her place!"

"Fuck you, fatass, I like your shoe..laces!"

"Kahl, the point of my deal with Stan was to either have you be genuinely nice to me or not say anything at all, so shut the fuck up, you stupid jew."

Kyle's mouth hung open for a bit but he looked over at Stan again and kept from lashing out at Cartman. Stan's behavior was really starting to worry him. Cartman laughed and leaned over to switch on the radio, starting to sing at the top of his lungs to Katy Perry's latest hit. Kyle looked like he was about to explode from anger and Kenny held back from telling Cartman just how gay he looked singing pop songs all about pleasing men. Stan continued to ignore his friends, blue eyes fixed on the road, that annoying word running though his mind. Average, average, average.

After taking the long way to the Glimmer Corp building that really was just an excuse to go by Wendy's house, the truck finally arrived at its destination.

"Cartman, you can't make a song featuring Kanye West any worse than it already was!"

"Kahl, you should sing along with Kanye West's part since you don't have a sense of humor either."

"WHAT? Brake, Kenny, Brake right now!"

Kenny slammed on the break as Stan tried to put the truck in park while the wheels still spun, causing the gears of the truck make an ugly screeching sound on the icy road and all four boys to fly forward a bit. Kyle and Cartman held in place by their belts, Stan braced himself against the steering wheel while Kenny slid forward, falling against the pedals and smacking his head on the dash board. Finally, the truck came to a complete stop.

"Goddamnit, Stan, stop thinking so much and watch the fucking road!"

"Sorry! You okay Kenny?"

"Kenny rubbed his head. "Yeah I'll survive. I always do." He said darkly.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Don't worry, Stan, this is your dad's truck. I'm sure you're doing just as good of a job driving as when he's had three or four beers, which is pretty much all the time. Heh heh."

"At least my dad's still alive, fatass. He bugs me but I know I'll never accidentally kill him, or was that on purpose?"

The subject of Cartman's father's death was kind of a touchy subject. Cartman had convinced himself it wasn't actually his fault at all. It was really the ginger kid's faults and possibly the Jews as well. Sneaky Jews always were responsible for something. Cartman quickly covered up his touch of insecurity by ripping on someone who fit perfectly into both of those terrible categories.

"Yeah, Stan, but I'd die if I had any of your parents. Especially Kahl's. All of you assholes have super embarrassing dads but Kahl's has the bitch day-walker mom as well!"

Kyle made a half gurgley half screechy sound in his throat. He didn't want Stan to lose the Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set so he shoved his best friend against the steering wheel again in a frantic attempt to get out of the truck and away from Cartman. He stomped off into the blizzard until he was no longer visible.

"Well, it looks like Kahl's ready for this stupid little mission. Lets get this gayness over with." Cartman grabbed the Mission Impossible: Breaking and Entering Play Set's box and handed it over to Stan who was frowning at him. "Oh what now, Stan? Okay, this mission isn't gay if you're into that hippie bull crap, okay?"

"You know, Kyle didn't want you to come along but I needed your help. Can you not be such a dick, at least for mine and Kenny's sakes?"

Kenny raised his hand. "I'm on Kyle's side in this argument you two have."

"Okay, so basically you're here, fatass, because of me. Kenny and Kyle both hate you: pretty much everyone we know does. The only reason you still hang out in this group is I still make an effort to include you. So for fuck's sake, tone down the fighting for one night. I have enough on my mind as it is."

Stan didn't give Cartman or Kenny a chance to respond. He grabbed the box and jumped out of the truck. Slamming the door shut behind him, he went to go look for Kyle out in the snowstorm.