Alright, there's still no Yaoi in this chapter, there never will be, but let's say that the others got the wrong idea. Part of this chapter is inspired by an episode of Seinfeld, which I don't own, and neither do I own Hetalia.

Warning: America pretends to be the uke.

Chapter 3: Dating a Communist

As much as I hate to admit it, "Matthew's Sleepover" last Friday was actually kind of fun. Mostly because I beat Ivan three times in Command and Conquer. He actually won more games than I did, and Mum threw the scones away before I tricked him into eating one, but giving my family mentally disturbing images was the highlight. So what happened?

This part of the story is best told in third person perspective.

"Are you sure you don't want to sleep in my room tonight, Matt?" Alfred called out from his bed.

"I'll be fine. I'd rather not get in the way when you two try to kill each other in your sleep. Well, good night, Al," Matthew waved as he closed the door behind him.

"Good night, bro!"

He groggily dragged his feet into his bedroom next door. He flicked off his light switch and snuggled Kumajiro, until a realization hit him.

"Ivan is sleeping in Alfred's room and they're not trying to push each other out the window,"

To that thought, Matthew put down his polar bear and took his glasses from the nightstand. He pulled up his blinds and looked out the window.

"Well, not yet, anyway," he set down his glasses on the same spot, tucked himself in with the bear, and closed his eyes, slowly drifting to a good night's sleep.

Until he heard the noises.

They were muffled at first. Typical arguing between the two, followed by fits of chuckling, and then came the noises similar to what Matthew sometimes heard from his parents' room.

"Can't Papa and Mum wait until we're asleep," he said to himself. Matthew disregarded the thought when he heard the words "No, Ivan! Stop!"

Frozen in shock, he forced himself to get out of bed and check on his brother.

"Alfred? Are you okay?" he tried opening Alfred's door but it was locked.

"Alfred! Ivan! What's going on, eh?"

Meanwhile in the other room, Alfred was jumping on his bed while Ivan faced the wall to speak, so the others would hear. Every few seconds, they would stay away from the wall to hold back their laughter then come back to Operation: Scar Matthew's Innocent Brain.

"Say something, Braginsky!" Alfred whispered.

"Like what?" Ivan gritted through his teeth.

"Say something that you would rather marry Natalya than say it,"

Ivan snapped his fingers and cupped his hands around his mouth. He said to the wall "Are you enjoying this, Alfred?"

"Oh, Ivan!" Alfred pretended to swoon over him with a feminine voice while mocking a girly-girl pose.

Then, it was time for another session of holding back laughter.

"I love you, Alfred!" Ivan said to the wall, looked at the Alfred, then made a vomit gesture.

"I love you more!" Alfred sighed like a lovesick woman, then pretended to choke himself.

In his parents' bedroom next door, Alice and Francis had their ears against the wall.

"Ah! Yes! Yes!"

"Francis, can you hear them?" Alice said sternly.

"What? Why isn't my son the dominant this time?" Francis leaned closer to the wall.

"What do you mean by 'this time'?" Alice grabbed the collar of her husband's shirt.

Back in Alfred's room, the two of them were each kissing the back of their own hands loudly. Alfred proceeded to jumping on his bed again while squealing like a woman and Ivan was in the far corner, laughing creepily. Without them realizing it, Alice had used a spare key and unlocked the door. She kicked the door open, turned on the lights and sighed with relief. Francis looked disappointed and Matthew was wide-eyed. His paralyzation wore off and he said "Don't scare us like that!" to his brother.

Ivan stopped the creepy laughing, Alfred got off the bed, and they both laughed hysterically.

"Best prank ever! Right, dude?" Alfred clutched his side, hurting from laughter.

"Matthew! If only you could see the look on your face!" Ivan was literally rolling on the floor laughing.

Matthew and Francis ran downstairs to avoid what they saw coming. Alice's explosive scolding.

"What the bloody hell were you thinking?" she screamed loud enough to be heard across the street. "Alfred, no internet for a month!"

Awkward silence.

Alice walked towards the door, muttering "Bloody wankers," then she thought "Maybe I shouldn't use that word because of its double meaning."

She gave the two boys the I'm-watching-you gesture and shut the door.

"Hey, Alfred," Ivan said.

"Yeah?"

"I wonder if Natasha will leave me alone if we do this again around her at my place,"

"Deal," Alfred asked Ivan for a fist bump, which he returned.

Once Ivan looked away, Alfred mouthed a couple swears and shook the pain off his hand.

Basically, we scarred Mattie.

It's Monday again. Such joy. For some reason, people were avoiding me when I walked down the hallway this morning...with Ivan! Of course, they would avoid him! If you value your life, stay away from that commie!

It was time for PE class that day and I entered my locker combination like always, changed my shirt, put on the shorts that creep up my thighs, and guarded Matthew. My routine wouldn't be complete without getting on the bench and yelling.

"Ivan! Get over here, now! ChaCha's waiting for you!"

"I'm pretty sure ChaCha only likes to stare at your overweight behind!" he yelled back.

"You think we should introduce Matt to ChaCha?"

José was across from me, staring at me with his head bent sideways.

"Something's different," he said.

"Like what?" I asked.

"You two aren't insulting each other,"

"He just said I had an 'overweight behind',"

"But that's the truth,"

"¡Callate!" I told him to shut up in Spanish.

"You actually got the word right, this time,"

I slapped myself across the face. Why? Was it really happening? Braginsky and I were g-getting along?

The insults did get less intense over the past few days and he actually walked with me around school. But it was true, I couldn't come up with good insults like I used to. Maybe it was the same for him, so I resorted to talking about what happened last Friday.

"I heard you were moving to Alabama to marry your sister!"

"Can you tell me why you were doing your homework in your underwear? Is that why your mother calls you 'wanker'?"

"You leave my mother out of this, you commie bastard!"

Enter, Herr Schtick-Weillschmidt.

"Who is yelling?"

Everyone covered their ears.

"Alfred and Ivan, sir," said José.

Weillschmidt massaged his temples and walked out. Matt looked at me.

He never spoke to me since last Friday night. He'll get over it. As usual, the three of us walked to the gym together as Ivan and I exchanged a few punches. A bit later, he started walking the opposite direction.

"Dude, field house is this way," I reminded him.

"Ah, my class is in the other gym,"

"Wait, you changed classes?"

"It wasn't my choice. After the ChaCha incident, Mr. UN said that I'll be with another teacher, starting today,"

"Which teacher?"

"Weillschmidt. The other one,"

"No fair! You get to be with Awesome-Weillschmidt and I'm stuck with Herr Schtick-Weillschmidt!"

"Look on the bright side, you can see ChaCha for today,"

"I won't be surprised if tomorrow, we both joined the wrestling team just so we could see ChaCha,"

We just walked away from each other without a proper "See ya!" or "Goodbye!"

Upon entering the field house, I laid my eyes on our beloved training dummy and ran towards it. Almost giving ChaCha a hug, I stopped with my arms in the air.

"It's not the same without Braginsky,"

Because only he would be crazy enough to take the whole ChaCha thing seriously. So we played basketball and I beat Mattie. Nothing interesting happened. I went to my boring old classes and walked through the halls with Ivan as we received a few stares.

So, fast forward to my favorite time of the day, lunch! I sat in my usual table by the vending machines with Matt and José, and I carried a paper bag with two big macs, large fries, two apple pies, and a double cheeseburger. In my other hand was a large diet coke, because I needed to watch my health.

Today, Ivan actually sat next to me and took one of my fries without permission. I slapped his hand and the fry fell to the table.

"Hey! No touchy-touchy the fries!"

"Okay," he replied and went for my double cheeseburger.

"Braginsky! What did I say?" I growled.

"You said not to touch the fries,"

"Well, that applies to the rest of my food...and other belongings!"

"If you're going to eat all of that, you're going to get a heart attack,"

"Don't you have your own food to eat and your own friends to bother?"

"But I want to sit with you," he whined.

"Why?" I asked sharply.

"So I could eat your fries like this," he took a handful of my delicious fries and rapidly ate them one at a time.

"Nooooo! My babies! Gimme back my fries!" I tried to choke him again.

"You want me to throw them up?"

"You know what, never mind I said anything,"

I just realized Matthew was sitting there the whole time when José went up to me and said "So Alfred, I heard rumors about you dating a communist. Is it true?"

Before I could scream "No!" Ivan laughed "Don't be silly! I am not a communist,"

"He didn't mean you, vodka-breath!" I stomped on his foot. He kicked my shin under the table. Don't ask how.

"Listen, José, I'm not dating a communist and I'm most certainly not dating that specific communist!"

"Hold on, so you two are-"

"No, we're not! Where did you hear this from anyway?" my eyes pointed at Matthew.

"Matt! Did you tell José that I'm dating a commie?"

"I never told José you were dating a commie," he whimpered.

"Dude, that sentence has, like, nine different meanings depending on which word you emphasize,"

"I never told José that you were dating a commie!" he repeated with emphasis on the "never."

"Why are you blaming your brother, all of a sudden?" José asked me.

"Matthew heard weird noises coming from Alfred's room when I spent the night," leave it to Ivan to over complicate the situation.

From behind us, I heard someone say "Elizabeta! Your nose is bleeding!" and then a girl giggled "I'm fine, Roderich,"

"Let me rephrase that!" I chimed in.

"He had to sleep on my floor because he was hiding from his little sister when we decided it would be fun to prank my family, so we mimicked the noises I heard coming from my parents' room at certain nights, and you know what I'm talking about!" I took a deep breath after that speech.

"So let me get this straight," José looked at me, "Are you dating a communist?"

"I already told you, I'm not a communist," Ivan smiled.

"Yeah! Deny, deny, deny! Because that's what all you commies do!" I shook him.

"So you two are...together? I mean, how did Ivan know you that did your homework in your underwear?"

"Elizabeta, not again!"

"No we're not and he's lying!"

"I'm not a communist,"

"Are you sure that you're not in denial, too?" asked José.

"I have a non-communist girlfriend, dammit!" I retorted.

"Don't lie, Alfred," Ivan told me.

"I'm not lying," I managed to say smoothly.

"What's her name, then?"

I thought of using one of my ex's names.

'Maria,' I was about to say until I saw her sitting nearby.

'Viet?' I couldn't use that either because she was sitting next to Maria.

I was going to spout the first female name that I thought of.

'Betty?' Nope. He'll know it's fake.

'Alice?' Ew, not my mum.

'Kiku?' Can't use that. I have a friend named Kiku and he's a guy.

"Natasha!" Crap! What did I just say?

"She's not real," José stated.

"Actually," said Ivan, "Natasha is my sister," he made it worse.

"The hot one?"

"That's Katyusha and don't speak of her that way,"

"How does Natasha look like, Alfred?"

She tried to stab me the last time I saw her.

"Kol kol kol kol kol kol kol..."

Okay, I can't say anything bad about her.

"She's uh- pretty," and she wants to marry her brother.

"She has blonde hair, always wears a bow," and always carries a knife.

"She likes to wear blue," unlike her brother who dresses up in drab clothing like all commies do.

"She never gives up on anything," like forcing her brother to marry her.

"Someday, she wants to live a nice, simple life in Alabama," where she heard incestuous marriages were legal.

"And she's not a communist like her brother," she probably is but I have to make her sound appealing.

"She sounds fake,"

"Would you like to meet her, then?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, comrade,"

"Sure,"

Crap.

I turned around and whispered "Braginsky, we need a plan-"

When I looked at Ivan, he was halfway done with my double cheeseburger and my precious fries were all gone. I got on my knees and yelled.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"