Chapter 3
Many hours later, Tala began to stir from his deep sleep. Looking around the now-empty bedroom, watching some sunlight creep in beneath the curtains that Kai had closed. The sunlight touched his legs lightly, heating up and causing him to pull himself together to avoid the sting. He lay back against the headboard for a few minutes, watching the clock as minutes passed by. It was 11:35am already. He staggered out of bed, placing a hand to the stitches on his stomach as he tugged them when stretching. After taking a detour to the bathroom he walked down the stairs slowly, looking around for his friend and going to the kitchen. There was an older woman at the island counter, cooking something on the hot stove. It took him by surprise, there wasn't supposed to be anyone else in the house aside from him and Kai. He turned round hurriedly and stepped forward though bumping hard into his friend and almost falling over the coffee table if it weren't for the strong arm that caught him again.
"Don't sneak up on people like that." Tala rebuked rudely, breathing heavily as he stood up straight again.
Kai chuckled quietly, "How are you feeling?" he asked instead of answering to Tala's grumpy order.
"I was fine up until a minute ago." He seated himself on the coffee table, holding onto it by his sides, "Who is that in there? I thought we were going to be alone for the holidays."
Kai's eyebrows furrowed, murmuring "Who?" beneath his breath before catching sight of the woman in the kitchen, "Ah, her? She's the cook, she heard that you came to visit and offered to come in for a few more days. She doesn't see her family for about three days so she can afford to come in." he grabbed the boy's arm lightly, pulling him back up and holding onto him while he settled himself, "Come on, you need something to eat."
The youngest was set down at the kitchen table while Kai was at the cooker murmuring quiet orders to the cook. Tala was quite surprised that the food was on the table within minutes; probably more than his stomach could handle. On the other hand, he was still hungry and took just a bit of everything for the sake of trying something new.
"By the way," Kai paused in eating, putting down his slice of toast, "I made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow morning."
"You work fast." Tala murmured, exhaling as he grew uncomfortable at the thought of more hospital visits.
"It'll be fine; I've seen this doctor before. Just take that medical file you brought in from Russia and it'll be one quick check-up." When silence fell between them again Kai moved his fork around the different parts of his breakfast, focusing on it for a while, "Tal, about last night…"
"Kai." Tala whined, pain in his eyes as they drifted lightly to the side where the cook was cleaning up some pots and pans.
"Tala, she doesn't speak English; just Japanese." Kai informed him with a slight smirk, he grew more serious as Tala's silence beckoned him to continue what he was going to say before he'd interrupted him, "I just wanted to talk about that…breakdown, was that the first one since it all happened?"
"No." Tala murmured, breathless as he placed the fork back down onto his plate.
"So it's like a daily thing?" Kai asked hesitantly, staring up at his friend, "Like…if you don't let it out then you feel like you'll crack."
Tala tried to find the humor in Kai's tone, smiling at it, "Yeah, it's something like that."
Kai, trying to be as helpful as he could, tried to find something good to say about the whole ordeal. Obviously, what good could you say about a multiple rape and attempted murder? 'I'm glad you're alive' hardly seemed appropriate at a time like this, although he was quite thankful for that fact, in the least. Comparing a similar experience with his own, Kai found the one real brightside he could think of at a time like this. "I think that…if you're lucky in anyway, it's that you found something to help make you feel better. Maybe at the time you don't think so, but the breakdowns help you recover; at least you know how to help yourself. I didn't, and it made getting over things a lot more difficult."
"I know that Kai, but it just gets tough all at once."
"I know but, like I said Tal, I'll help you anyway I can; you just need to let me know how because…well I'm stupid like that, I don't know how to help people but I will help you if you just tell me how I can do that."
What could Tala really say to that? 'Thank you' would work just fine right about now but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to say it. Kai was never this compassionate with him before, and every single time he did something like this, something caring, something kind and gentle, it surprised him and stopped him dead in his tracks. The upside to having few emotions and for being so controlling over events and emotions was the fact that because of it they always dealt with each other in the same way. When things changed and stopped going by the way they were raised, the way they always remembered each other, it made it difficult to be able to act appropriately with each other when they didn't know what appropriate actually was.
In a few hours things were getting progressively better. After lunch Tala went upstairs to his bedroom, lying around in bed for a few minutes till he digested the amount of food he'd eaten and then went in to take a long warm shower. Usually something as simple as a shower wasn't so bad but even now, with stitches lining his whole stomach all the way to his hipbones he wasn't capable of standing in the shower for too long, not to mention being able to wash parts of him properly due to the stinging of the stitches or the annoyance of having to clean around them and over them without hurting himself.
After his shower he had intended on going back downstairs to talk to Kai but he'd heard his teammates arrive and Tala was in no way in the mood to let the whole conversation shift to him and his reasons for being back in Japan. It wasn't that he didn't want to be sociable, especially with his best friend's teammates but he just didn't want to have to answer any questions, moreover he didn't want to have to lie to such good people.
So instead of intruding on Kai's time with his friends, Tala tried to sleep. Sleeping soundly was a goal at a time like this. He couldn't bring his mind to stop thinking and going over memories, so to sleep soundly, to sleep without interferences was something he thrived for at a time like this. His mind was like clockwork, always working, always ticking, something always happening. He just wanted some time where he could stop all that. Usually people escaped to sleep and to their dreams to be able to accomplish that sense of liberty but to him it seemed like he couldn't find sanctuary in that either.
This time things got a bit better; his mind imposed less nightmares on him and thus made him feel a lot better and healthier when he awoke four hours later. There was nothing better than waking up feeling better than he had been earlier; it made him feel just a spark of hope.
That hope was there, that hope was as persistent as any other thought or feeling going on inside him. The next most persistent feeling was the more depressive one. When you go so long trying to shake off that feeling, it remains a difficult one.
Hours past, Tala stared out his window. He got bored, walking down the stairs silently and sitting down on a high step and occasionally peering in the direction of the chatter and laughter in the living room. He even occasionally heard Kai's own laughter. It made him happy and hopeful again. He always thought that Kai was always more worse off since the Abbey, he had the hardest time dealing with some trauma and so it made him keep to himself a lot more. He thought that if someone like Kai had managed to overcome so much and start over a life with all his friends then it made him feel like there was something out there left for him, he could someday get the same good.
Somebody was walking out of the living room, he could see the shadow. He turned slightly and pushed himself off the stairs to run back up quietly before anyone noticed. "Hey, Tala." A cheerful voice resonated through the hallway. He'd been caught. Tala turned to look down at the blonde, gripping the staircase tightly to ease his dizziness. "Why don't you come down here and stay with us? We're just talking…" he could see the boy's concern and his hesitance in what he was saying. He wasn't sure if the hesitance was from just asking him to go downstairs out of politeness, or if it was because he actually wanted him there. He wasn't going to take any chances.
"It's okay. Good night."
Max looked on after him, trying to shake it off before running to the door to get his soaked jacket like he'd intended. Going back into the living room he put the jacket by the fire to dry it up faster. "Tala was on the stairs." He announced quietly, sizing up Kai.
"What was he doing?" Tyson asked curiously, not seeing the real distress in the tone of the youngest.
"He was just sitting there." Max answered with a shrug, "He was trying to run back upstairs but I saw him."
Ray prolonged an exhale, turning his head to look at Kai by the fireplace, "Are you going to tell us why he's here, Kai? There's got to be a good reason for it… Tala wouldn't just show up here for nothing, he's not one to visit or go on holidays either."
The flames in the fireplace just continued to bathe the whole room in red and orange light. Kai's skin felt the blistering heat from where he sat and he took in the sight of the tall thick flames unblinkingly. He couldn't tell his friends to just ignore what Tala was going through when he himself couldn't ignore it. "I told you…He's just having a tough time."
"But Kai even..."
"You don't know what he's going through, Ray."
"We don't know because you won't tell us, Kai."
Kai exhaled shakily, opening his eyes to look at them, allowing them to see a bit of the dismay and concern in his own crimson eyes.
Nietzsche once said, "When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you."
"I'd accept your help in a heartbeat." He murmured shallowly beneath his breath.
Max got closer to Kai upon seeing that great amount of hurt; this was so much different from the hurt he'd seen in the past. This was watching his friend suffer, this was the pain that he was feeling towards Kai, because Kai was feeling this for Tala. He was scared, worried about him. "Then why can't we help?"
"I have no right to say anything, Max."
Ray and Tyson moved closer, Ray looking as hesitant as all of them in trying to find out what to do. "You don't want to tell us…because it'll be like betraying him, right?" Ray watched him nod in response, lips still sealed. "So…what if we guess? Then technically you haven't told us anything." He watched the blood practically pour right out of Kai's face, turning him as pale as a ghost when he realized he'd made a good point.
Tyson nodded at Ray's little philosophy, turning back to Kai, "So last we heard, Tala had moved in with a family in Russia after the Abbey shut down and Boris went to prison."
Max silently agreed, turning to look at Kai, "Did someone in that house pass away or something? Someone he got close to?" There was no change in Kai's features.
"Is he missing someone from the Abbey days? Like Bryan…or Spencer?" Ray noticed Kai's flinch at the first name, "Did something happen to Bryan?"
Kai shut his eyes tight, he felt like he was being grilled painfully. His teeth ground together as he tried to compose himself, not relaxing and answering through gritted teeth, "Bryan passed away three months ago; clinical death, he went to bed feeling sick, never woke up."
Max saddened by Kai's side, the eldest squeezing his arm so that he hopefully didn't have to watch the youngest cry at their loss, "That's why Tala's upset? He misses Bryan?"
Kai groaned as he tilted his head to the side, nodding somewhat. Over the past year he'd grown a great distaste for lying to his small group of friends. This diffident nod indicated that that wasn't the only thing.
"So what else happened?" Tyson asked, curiosity clouding his remembrance that this was meant to play out like a guessing game.
"Did someone in that house abuse him?" Ray tried, now also more curious about what else was going on that they didn't know about. Kai shook his head though. "Then what is it, Kai?" again Kai said absolutely nothing, refusing to give in to the temptation and want to have them try to help him in cheering up his distraught and traumatized best friend.
"Did…" Max took a deep breath, not wanting to open any books for Kai in the process of trying to discover what was wrong with the other Russian. "Was it Boris? Did Boris find a way to hurt Tala again? The person that hurt you the most was Boris…so I thought that maybe Boris did something to him…"
Kai pointed lightly to Max to indicate that he'd gotten some part of it right, then getting up and walking to the other end of the room. "No more guessing." He turned back to them, fists tightening by his sides.
--Later--
Kai was on his way to bed, having thought that Tala would already be sleeping as it was well close to midnight. Though walking down the hall, he caught a glimpse of a tiny dim light under the door of Tala's bedroom. He pushed open the door quietly; the bedroom was in complete darkness save for the small lap at the back of the room next to the bathroom door. Pushing open the bathroom door, peaking inside, he found Tala coughing over the bathroom sink, holding it tightly in case his shaking legs gave way. As Kai got closer to hold onto the trembling figure, he got to take a better look at the crimson liquid curling over Tala's lips and onto the pristine white sink, the redhead's face contorted in so much anguish.
Kai put down the toilet seat, grabbing Tala lightly and pulling him away from the sink and setting him down on the closed toilet. He rubbed his back lightly as he continued to cough into his hand, Kai passing him some tissues and waiting for him to settle down. "What happened?" Kai asked, sitting on the side of the bath and handing Tala more tissues to wipe off the blood.
"I don't know," Tala murmured softly, a little confused as he stared while wiping the red blood off his white hand, "I guess I choked, started coughing and then blood started coming up."
Kai took a look at the blood still spilt over the white sink, hitting the faucet to wash it off, "You probably just grazed your throat and it brought up blood. Just keep drinking enough water to clean it out."
Tala exhaled sleepily, brushing his hands over his sweaty face, "I need another shower." His eyes practically rolled in his head with the mixture of exhaustion, dizziness and heat from the steamy room. He'd seemingly just finished up on another shower, something Kai had noted the moment he'd entered the bedroom.
"You just had a shower, Tal."
Tala got up and started pushing Kai out of the bathroom, ready to shut the door behind him, "Well I need another one." He whispered, bitterness in his cracking voice.
Kai got literally kicked out of the bathroom, leaving him to stand and stare around the room for a few moments. He heard the water running only moments later, making him leave the bedroom and go to his own to change for bed. Tossing the day's clothing into the laundry basket, he went back to Tala's bedroom, still hearing the water running behind the door. He took an extra trip down to the study, rummaging through some cupboards before leaving with a large empty book; looking through it, it was merely lined pages on one side, and blank white pages on the other. It was perfect for its use. He put it down on the desk in Tala's bedroom, putting a pen and pencil just beside it before going to sit at the foot of the bed. The water was still running and Kai grew more worried by the minute, wondering if Tala had hurt himself or something of the sort.
That thought was quickly discarded because the water stopped a few moments later. He continued to sit around the bedroom, looking around as though waiting for something of interest to show up. Fifteen minutes of waiting got Tala out of the bathroom, fully clothed again and towel drying his hair. "What are you doing here?" the redhead asked him, a little upset that Kai was still around.
"I wanted to make sure you were alright before I went to bed."
"Did you want to tuck me in too?" Tala asked while rolling his eyes, settling himself back down on the bed.
"What the hell is with you? Maybe it is hard to believe but you should know by now that I'm worried about you." He exhaled and bit his lip once he realized that his yelling was making things between them no better. He got back up, placing his hand on the book that he'd left on the desk, sure that Tala could see it from his position on the bed, "Writing things down helped me get through everything I was going through; give it a try, it might help you."
"Thanks." He tossed the towel to the other side of the room, patting his sweaty face lightly.
"What's with your hands?" Kai asked curiously, seeing the redness of the back of Tala's hands peeking from under the long sleeved t-shirt. He moved closer to him, gently picking up on of Tala's hands and pulling up the sleeve, seeing the red skin with some white and dark red drag marks. They seemed as though a luffa or a sponge was dragged down against the skin with immense pressure. He would've inspected it further, and higher up along the boy's arms, since he was sure the injury furthered to his shoulders, but the youngest pulled his arm right out of Kai's hold. "Lighten up on the showers, Tal, and don't continue with this self-punishment. You're being too hard on yourself."
'Or not hard enough.' Tala thought to himself. "I don't think I can do this anymore, Kai." He admitted dejectedly, looking up with dead eyes at his friend.
"Try your best, Tal." Kai said determinedly as he walked to the door, grabbing the handle and turning to his friend, "You're strong now, you can do it if you tried your hardest. Good night."
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face; you must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Tala shrunk beneath the covers a moment after Kai left him alone, allowing him to drench himself into the many soft pillows and blankets that covered the large white bed. He reached out with his sore arm, tugging on the string to shut the light of the lampshade off and curling his body beneath the sheets again.
Again, the words that Kai had once spoken to him rang hope into his abused heart, though leaving more room in his mind for nightmares to plague him. With little left to really do, he pulled his arms over his head, wishing the whispering thoughts would just shut up and leave him alone to get his rest. He didn't want to hear anything else. No bad words. No good words. Lastly, even the good words would betray him and cause his mind, heart and body more grief then he could possibly handle as things were. He, in no way, needed or could allow things to get any worse than they already were.
Sir Peter Ustinov said, "Unfortunately, a super abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares."
Even after countless times of adjusting the pillows beneath his bruised and battered form, he still couldn't make himself comfortable enough to fall asleep. His body was aching everywhere and yet he still insisted on not taking the painkillers that the doctor had given him to take. As far as Kai knew, the doctors gave him nothing, which means there was no way he could convince him to take any of them. Sleeping was impossible, there were moments his body was just trembling from uncontrollable pain.
His body had grown to be frail, sensitive, easily bruised and broken. How was his strength so useless in the times when he needed it the most? Worst of all, he wondered why such bodily harm was not improving. Why was he not getting better? Was something else wrong with him? Did he do something to really deserve the permanent abuse on his body, or was this really the way things were meant to go? Was it normal, and he just didn't know it? He placed his hands to his stomach, feeling the bulging stitches through the thick t-shirt he was sleeping with, fingers ghosting over each and every stitch that covered his body. From the ones that went across his stomach, to the four on his thigh and shuddering at the feeling of his own hand on his own thigh. Tugging the sleeves of his t-shirt up, running his hands over the arms he knew were still red and burning with soreness, all amidst the darkness of the bedroom, no trace of light to be found. He felt filthy, like that was the only thing that became him. Filth. He was dirty again, so he thought. He remembered everything as though it had been burnt into him, the memories, the feelings of those hands against his skin, the heated flesh against his own trembling body.
Thinking the reason that he couldn't sleep was because of this thought, he got up and went to the bathroom, showering in the darkness so he wouldn't be able to see anymore soreness, anymore stitches, anymore bruises. Still, it was as though he could see them. Like the images of his abused body had scarred their way into his mind and they were unforgettable. The sight of them was stuck with him, despite the darkness.
His mind continued to play over the events though, each and every little moment that he had endured. From being taken away from the people he cared about, to being violated, to almost dying, the thought of that white light that he'd been so frightened of, to those people in the hospital that tried to help him but only made him feel worse.
And sometimes he didn't even see things as they'd actually happened from his point of view. Sometimes it changed point of views. Sometimes it was in his position, where he felt all the pain, sometimes he was his rapist, watching as the victim was torn apart physically and emotionally. Sometimes it seemed like he was some innocent bystander, watching from a distance as this all happened. Yet, still, doing absolutely nothing about it. Nothing to help. Nothing to ease the pain. Regardless of what position he was in, all he thought was 'filthy' and 'dirty' or 'disgusting'. At other times it was like he could hear his own screams from such a distance, but moving towards them would've proved painful so instead he lay around, listening to his own screams of pain echo throughout his mind. The words continued to play on in his head, over and over and over again, making him sick to his stomach.
Robert Oxton Bolt once wrote, "A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind."
Unconsciously, at times in his sleep he'd put his hand up his shirt just slightly, pressing his hand onto his abdomen as he still felt the pain inside of him, as though it was still there. The feeling, the thought, it all caused him to sob profoundly in his sleep. Even in his sleep he could feel every single infliction on his body. There was no way of stopping it and the whole time the only words that flooded his mind, were insults towards his body, towards his soul.
Were there chances that he could feel more disgusting? Probably not. The person who had beaten his spirit down for years, who had destroyed his childhood, had now taken the thing he'd held closest to him. He'd forced himself on him, and now there wasn't a single part of his body that hadn't been marred by the heartbreaking wounds. From the pale bruise on his cheek, the cut in his hairline, the bruises and cuts on his arms, the deep stitched up wounds on his stomach and thigh. He was sick to his stomach, always sick to his stomach with the thought that somebody, the person he hated the most, had done that to him.
That…that was something supposed to be shared between two people who loved each other. It wasn't supposed to be an act of hate, it wasn't supposed to be an act of revenge, it wasn't supposed to be something you hurt someone with! It wasn't supposed to be something that someone just takes from you!
Rape is loss. Like death, it is best treated with a period of mourning and grief. We should develop social ceremonies for rape, rituals, that, like funerals and wakes, would allow the mourners to recover the spirits that the rapist, like death, steals. The social community is the appropriate center for the restoration of spirit, but the rape victim is usually shamed into silence or self-imposed isolation. - Researcher Metzger, American Journal of Psychiatry.
A/N: Another dear chapter. Sorry that this took so long but I was away for the weekend at my dad's place and didn't use the laptop there because I've been busy. I hope you all liked this chapter. The sadness factor will go up a little later as you'll probably see. Please leave a review and let me know what you think of the story so far. Thanks for reading!