Bonjour! Il fait froid, n'est pas? Mains froid, couer chaud? Je ne sais pas. Mon couer est froid aussi. Il fait trés, trés froid.

Well, I can tell my French teacher that I practice my French outside of school now. That should appease her. Any speakers out there? I apologize. I probably messed a lot of stuff in there. Well, oh well. (hah, I said well twice) It was fun to write, just like this chapter.

Well, I suppose I should get on with it. (and that would be the third well… or the fifth if you count the ones in my parentheses. Heh heh.)

Disclaimer: …You know, we should all know this by now… Maybe I should kidnap Artemis or Fang and get one of them to do it for me.

Artemis Fowl was busily tapping away at his MacBook, happily enjoying the joys of everyday writing. He had become a published romance novelist several years back, and had become addicted to the fine art of tragic love. Seeing as it was quite uncharacteristic for a man (or rather, boy) of his status and demeanor, he had kept the hobby not only hidden from his family but from the rest of the world with a clever pen name. He doubted that even Foaly knew of his secret hobby.

[Somewhere beneath the surface of the Earth, the centaur cackled madly as he read a particularly mushy paragraph in the Irish youth's newest novel, Life Without Love is Like Death Without Tragedy. The centaur wondered how much he enjoyed his novels. They provided small amusement in his everyday monotonous life.]

And then Artemis heard a small yelp.

He didn't even have to look, he knew what it was. He was sick of the thing: It required daily feeding, and even then it barely ate, and he was forced to walk it around the grounds at least twice a day to use the restroom. He couldn't simply let the dog outside, no, because in his mother's words, "A dog cannot be unsupervised without a fence to corral it. Since we don't have a fence (it would mar the beauty of our panoramic view), you must take the dog outside yourself on a leash."

His mother had been watching over him constantly, making sure that the dog was receiving proper care and that he wasn't starving it to death just to be rid of the thing. It was always, "Feed the dog, Arty," or, "Take the dog outside, Arty," or "Pick up after your pet, Arty." Arty, Arty, Arty. Arty this, Arty that. He didn't mind his mother's pet name, but with every request attached to it, it was beginning to get on his nerves. He didn't deserve this, did he? He hadn't done anything (too) terrible lately, so it couldn't have been karma. Not that he believed it such things, but after once believing in "number gods", he wasn't going to disregard anything yet.

The teen shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Along with the dog, he was being forced into wearing typical civilian clothing, a far cry from his usual garb. Artemis Fowl was in jeans. Jeans. He wouldn't disregard that they weren't comfortable, but they just felt so, so… so unprofessional. His main horror over the past few days was that a business partner would come calling to the manor, and he would answer the door in jeans. And a tee-shirt to boot.

But he supposed that he deserved it. He hadn't informed anyone, fairy or otherwise, about his growing mental illness, instead letting it progress far enough to where it had him praying to gods that didn't exist and throwing himself into random fits of hallucination. That day had to have been the one of the most embarrassing of his life, even outranking the 99% he had received on a 7th grade math test. A mere, measly 99%. He had been horrified, but after finding himself practically worshipping imaginary deities, he had consoled himself with the fact that this, in fact, was much worse than a 99% score.

As he let these thoughts progress through his highly developed mind, he threw a sideways glance at the animal. It was beginning to scare him, Artemis Fowl, by wearing a simple blank glare every time it looked at him. No emotion. No panting tongue. No wagging tail. Nothing. Just a blank stare as if the thing was somehow contemplating the boy. He assumed that normal dogs had the above habits and demeanor, but this one… it was simply different from those he had read up on. Man's best friend, the teen snorted inside his mind. A far cry from it.

He waved a hand at the animal. "Go away, dog. Shoo." He turned back to his document, quickly returning his pale hands back to the keyboard.

"Go away, dog. Shoo." A quiet voice echoed throughout the spacious bedroom. Immediately, Artemis stood up, knocking his chair over in the process. Taking a deep breath, he straightened out the nonexistent wrinkles in his tee-shirt. "Who's there? Reveal yourself. If you are LEP, you have no business here." All he was thinking about was the document open on his desktop in full view of whatever fairy may be there. Foaly could not know. At all costs, the centaur could never discover his hobby.

A small snort came from the floor. Artemis's gaze immediately flew down, expecting to see Holly or another officer shimmering into view. Instead, he saw the dog trotting out of his bedroom with a different demeanor and posture than which it had entered with. If he had seen its face, Artemis would have sworn that it was smiling.

With a puzzled expression on his face, Artemis pulled up his chair and sat back down, quickly closing the document and bringing up his current project, completely rewriting the Wikipedia article on the Fowl family. Whatever it was, it wasn't going to reveal itself. Or perhaps, the boy thought, I may be hearing things again. He shook his head, wondering if this was true. A erratic thought crossed his mind. What if the dog had been talking? He quickly disregarded it. No, impossible. The engineering for that and the level of genetics education would have to have been monumentous. Even Artemis himself didn't even completely understand the concept that would have been needed to have been used to create such a creature.

Because, dog's just couldn't talk.

Outside in the hallway, Total strutted with a new air about him. "Idiot," the small dog voiced aloud. "He should be fun."

Yes, it's finally done! I am so sorry for the long wait. I (finally) just got time to work on this, and managed to get it all out in one go. I've discovered that I really enjoy writing as Artemis (even though it's not in first person) because his way of speech and the way that Eoin Colfer writes is just really fun to try and replicate. I'm having a lot of fun writing this story, so I hope that you like it! If I have time this weekend, I will begin writing (and possibly post, but I doubt it) the next chapter with Max and the Flock. I'm so glad that you guys all like this story, and thanks for all of the reviews! They mean a lot and motivate me to keep writing. Oh, and for you anonymous reviewer who asked me if this fic was canceled, THANK YOU! You and Master of the Blood Wolves inspired me to get this chapter up and going. I salute you both.

Peace, love, and shrimp muffins.

R&R?