Chapter 1: Capitolo Uno
Honestly, I am sick of people, who don't read the Twilight series and still have the guts to tell everyone that it's a terrible, mushy and totally unreadable book that should never be put on shelves- BECAUSE ITS NOT! And even if you think it is… SUCK IT UP!
So, in a stroke of genius - I have thought up 10 punishments for people who do this and/or other "Twilight hating" related crimes.
Without further ado…
10 punishments for people who don't read Twilight
PUNISHMENT 1: Provoke the Volturi and blame said person.
"Hey Jimmy" I say smiling good naturedly to the idiotic sci-fi geek- who also happens to be my mortal Twihater enemy, Jimmy.
Looking as stupid as ever with his shirt tucked into his pants and his hair looking as if it hadn't been washed in months he looks at me. "Why are you so chipper today?" He replies sullenly.
"Oh," I say, my grin becoming bigger "I just have a friend who I'd like you to meet! Aro, meet Jimmy"
Aro of the Volturi stalks out of the shadows and lets out and almighty scream "You stole Mrs Spupenslicker!"
"Who?" Laughs Jimmy, looking smug and amused. He doesn't have any inkling as to what Aro can do.
"My Teddy! You will DIE!"
Jimmy finally gets the picture, this guy is insane, and he obviously thinks that Jimmy has stolen his teddy. Aro smiles coldly and chases Jimmy around the courtyard, only stopping when he chews Jimmy's face off, gives up when he realises how disgusting it tastes, and decides he wants to lie down and ponder the meaning of life instead.
Chapter 2: Capitolo Due
Disclaimer: I really would like to say I own twilight, but then the men in white suits would come and take me away… SOB.
10 punishments for people who don't read Twilight
PUNISHMENT TWO: Chain them in an empty white room and force them to watch the entire male cast of the "Twilight movie" do squats and other exercise related activities completely topless. (A/N you may want to watch this punishment be carried out… wink wink… ;) Also for boys, you may want to substitute the male cast for the female cast.
You watch through a patch of one way glass into a room where a little girl named Jill is being forced to watch something hideous-
You have called in a few favours and the entire half naked male cast of Twilight to do their daily exercise routine with Jill chained to the wall.
'No!' she screams, 'my eyes, they BURN!'.
You walk into the room and ask her if she still hates Twilight.
"No! Never again will I scorn the arguments about hotness of Edward vs. Jacob or say a mean word about Twilight!" Screams Jill
You walk away- Happy to have been of service.
Chapter 3: Capitolo Tre
Disclaimer: I really would like to say I own twilight, but then the men in white suits would come and take me away… SOB.
Thanks to all the people who said they wanted me to keep writing. :) Also thanks to Laalaa1123 (Angelea) for her support of my story and the idea for the name!
10 punishments for people who don't read Twilight
PUNISHMENT THREE: Create annoying songs or saying and play them out over a loudspeaker whenever the "Twilight hater" comes near.
"Oh my, oh no, oh dear!" Says Tanner, covering his ears with his hands. "What in the world is that?"
Overhead he can hear the almightily wail of an ancient loudspeaker roaring to life.
You -of course- are using the loud speaker, waiting to humiliate and torture him. "This song goes out to the one, but not the only- TWILIGHT HATER, TANNER!" You say, turning the volume up loud enough for the whole school to hear.
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts –bom bom bom
Here they are all standing in a row- Bom bom bom
Big ones, small ones
Some as big as Rosalie Bum /Edwards Ego /Alice's Shoe Collection
You and other Twihards scream out of the loud speaker, telling everyone about…
"Twilight!
Twilight!
Twilight!
Twilight!
Twilight!
Twilight!"
"Enough, Enough!" Wails Tanner. "I submit, have mercy on me, for Twilight is awesome!!"
You are content with this and turn off the loud speaker… For now!
For this punishment, if you don't have access to a loudspeaker I would just sing the songs whenever the person who hates Twilight walks past, or constantly talk about Twilight whenever they're around. It works for me!
Chapter 4: Capitolo Quatro
Disclaimer: If twilight were mine, piranhas would be vegetarian and houses would be made of purple bunny rabbit belly button fluff.
PUNISHMENT FOUR: Get Emmet Cullen to go to your enemy's house and drain the blood of all their favourite pets – please note that this does not include brothers!
-You hear the soft rattling of a pane of class as it's shaken by the Twihater Tayla's snoring, and it makes you laugh.
Go "sick 'em Emmett!" you say to the hulking figure next to you, Emmett Mc Carty Cullen- The adorable vegan vamp- who, for tonight has the code name of Mr. Muscles.
'Aye aye boss!' He replies and heads off to the buffet cart for dinner… Unfortunately for your enemy Tayla, that buffet cart mainly consists of her pets.
3 budgies, two cats, a rabbit, a dog, and three hamsters later, Emmett is reasonably full and good to go.
"That was tasty but…" says Emmett.
"No Emmet! Not her brother!" you say, seeing where this is heading and trying to reason with the thirsty vamp.
"Fine," he huffs "next time then…"
You thank the lord that he didn't do anything stupid and creep out the back door. After all, you can't hang around in case someone sees you.
You know now she will have to believe you when you say vampires DO exist… and if vampires do exist, then everything else you say must be true too…
She'll have to realize Twilight ROCKS!
Grinning madly you and Emmett stalk off into the darkness, your work complete!
Thank you, Thank you!
Chapter 5: Capitolo Cinque
So please welcome to 10 Punishments- Ms. Mary Alice Brandon/Cullen/Whitlock!
PUNISHMENT FIVE: Get Alice to go over to a Twihaters house and subject her to a shopping spree and/ or makeover!
WHACK!
Rosie the twihater sits bolt upright in bed. Staring at the window, her breathing laboured. Her window lays shattered into a thousand pieces at her feet, a bright pink shoe in the midst of all the broken glass.
The words that you had told her that afternoon when she started to rant about how horrible Twilight is come back into her mind.
"You'll be sorry, Very sorry!!" She remembers you saying.
Rosie gulps silently.
"OMC!" Just look at that hair I mean when was the last time you styled it? Cut it? WASHED IT? Um, how about never, because I mean I have seen DOGS with better hair then that! God, its worse than JACOBS! I mean puh-lease! Look at those pyjamas so nineteen fifties and I mean I would know I was there!" Says Alice Cullen all in one breath.
Rosie stands gob smacked. Who the hell is this tiny chick? And what is she doing in her bedroom? Rosie is actually so gob smacked she just stands there and stares as Alice rants on about bad fashion sense.
"Mikii (that's me) was right to call me in for this job! Your worse then Bella! My God you're even worse than Mikii! And let me tell you, she has some serious issues with wearing dresses! Let's go Barbie! You're my new makeover challenge!" Pronounces Alice.
Rosie finally finds her voice.
"Wha-? You can't be serious?" she stutters. "I'm not going anywhere! Its 2 am! And bsides, I don't even know who you are!"
"You. are. coming. NOW!"
"Make me!" Rosie snarls back, making the biggest mistake of her life.
Alice grins, so evilly that Rosie becomes scared. In fact, Alice grins so evilly that anyone would be scared. She smiles the kind of smile that sends mountain lions running in the opposite direction.
Out side on the lawn, in a spot where you can hear and see everything that is happening, you are laughing so hard that you're gasping for air. This is going to be funny.
"N-n-n-n-ooooooooooooooooo!" Screams Rosie
"Not the four inch Jimmy Choo's! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Wh-wh-who are you!?"
"Your.
Worst.
Nightmare!"
Says Alice cackling madly.
You turn and walk away, after all as Alice gets bored easily, you wouldn't want her to turn on you and start giving you a makeover. And plus, She's scary when she gets like this!
You can't wait to see what Rosie will look like tomorrow.
Well, that's the first half done; I hope it's a little better than before! I'm not expecting many reviews, but if you want to review- I'd be happy to hear from you!
The answer to this joke will be in the next chapter!
A blonde girl and an old business man are both traveling on a plane. The businessman, confident that he is smarter then the blond says to her:
"Let's play a game; I'll give you ten to one odds. For every question I ask you that you get wrong you give me five dollars and for every question that you ask me that I get wrong, I'll give you fifty dollars."
The blonde nods in agreement and they start playing. The businessman asks first,
"What is the capital of Russia?" Not knowing the answer, the blonde immediately hand him 5 dollars. The business man smiles and waits for the Blonde's question.
The blond then asks the Man- "What is black, white, and blue and jumps up and down several times?"
Puzzled, the man thinks the for a minute and cant figure out the answer, he hands her 50 dollars.
"So what was the answer to the question?" He asks…
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