I KNOW! It's been so long! I'm so sorry.

This chapter is pretty short, but personally, it is probably my favorite so far. This story will be shorter (only five chapters), and usually, the chapters will be short. But the final part of this collection, the next story, is going to be 10-15 chapters, so that story will hopefully be worth it.

Disclaimer: I do not own PJO or HOO

WARNINGS: EATING DISORDER

Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah, I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

-"Breathe Me" by Sia

There are days when Leo doesn't even know who he is.

When you have an eating disorder or even depression or another mental illness, it can sometimes be hard to tell when the mental illness ends and you begin. It's hard to remember who you were before the mental illness, and it's even more difficult to imagine who you would be without it.

Leo knows he is funny; he is easy going; he is outgoing and fun loving. He is intelligent and kind and good at inventing, but no matter how many traits Leo describes himself as, it doesn't bring him any closer to discovering who he truly was. What parts of him are a mask he puts up to keep people from getting suspicious, and what traits describe the real Leo Valdez?

Leo doesn't even know anymore.

But he does know one thing: bad things happen when you don't know who you are.

Leo stares at his apple the next day at breakfast, and the more he thinks, the harder it becomes to bring the food to his mouth.

His eyes dart up and meet Nico's, and the child of Hades nods in encouragement.

Leo sighs and takes a bite.

Immediately, he thinks of ways to decrease calorie consumption, ways to get out of eating; he doesn't even intend to think of these things. It's just a habit at this point.

Leo chews the single bite twenty times before swallowing. Eating slowly lessens the anxiety he feels about eating, but it doesn't quiet the voice.

Stop eating! You fat pig! You shouldn't be eating; you should be looking for a way to get Annabeth and Percy out of Tartarus!

But Nico-

I don't care what Nico says. Stop eating!

And then, a very small voice in the back of his mind whispers something that makes Leo pause:

Would Percy and Annabeth want you to stop eating? Would they want you to risk your life like this to save theirs?

Simple answer: no.

Leo takes another bite of the apple, and Nico gives him a small smile.

Leo polishes off the apple, and for a moment, he considers eating more, but his shrunken stomach aches at the mere thought of it. Rome wasn't built in a day; Leo can't even begin recovering in a single meal.

Leo swallows the last bite of the apple and wipes the sticky juice away from his mouth. He tosses the apple core into the trash can and walks into his cabin.

Leo locks the door behind him, and he pulls open a drawer at his work desk. He reaches inside and grunts as he lifts a stack of papers bigger than his torso out of the drawer. The pile is so huge, it blocks Leo's vision when he grips the bottom of the pile at waist level.

He groans as he drops the heavy pile of papers onto his work desk, and he stares at the sketch on the first page. Illustrations of cannons, firing arms, and so much more litter each of the pages, along with descriptions, measurements, notes, etc. Most nights Leo spends more time designing inventions they can use to defeat Gaea and her army of giants and monsters than sleeping.

Leo picks up one page, and he gives a small, proud smile.

The illustration is of a grenade the size of a marble. Dropping one of these babies would kill every monster within a mile radius, and they are rather simple to make. Once they are invented, as soon as Leo activates them, the minute they're dropped, you have about ten seconds to get as far away from it as possible before it explodes.

Leo wasn't one to toot his own horn (unless he were doing it in a joking way), but these inventions are rather genius, if he did say so himself.

Leo gathers the supplies (that's another thing: the grenades hardly require any supplies to make them), and he starts to piece them together until the first grenade is created.

Leo rests the inactivated grenade in a lock box in another drawer of his desk, but when he reaches for more supplies, his hand smacks against a box sitting on the edge of the desk, and it falls to the floor. Leo mutters some colorful choice words before kneeling down to pick up the box.

Leo frowns as he picks up the box. It was obviously his invention, and he remembers making it, but he can't remember what it does. It looks like a yellow jewelry box.

Leo opens the box, and his eyes widened as a picture of him and his Mamá pops up, which the stand the picture is on does remind him of the ballerinas in some of those jewelry boxes.

A familiar songs begins to play…

"Did you lose what won't return? Did you love but never learn? The fire's out, but still it burns, and no one's cares. There's no one there." (Quote from "Flares" by The Script)

Leo snaps the box shut.

His mother used to sing that to him every night… It was his lullaby. Even after she passed away, he sang it to himself.

Leo had had a nightmare the night he invented this little box. He'd needed distraction and comfort, and the invention had been born.

Leo slowly opened the box again.

Did you see the Flares in the sky? Were you blinded by the light? Did you feel the smoke in your eyes? Did you? Did you? Did you see the sparks filled with hope? You are not alone. Cause someone's out there… sending out Flares. Someone's out there… sending out flares (Quote from "Flares" by The Script)

Leo thinks of all of his friends. Jason, Piper, Frank, Hazel, Nico, even Percy and Annabeth. All the people that were and are trying to help him. He's not alone.

And even if he feels like he's lost himself sometimes, he knows he'll be okay because whenever he feels like he's getting farther and farther away from who he really is, his friends will always be there to pull him back.

He'd never truly realized that until now…

Leo crumples to the floor, falling to his knees, and begins to sob, but these tears are not tears of fear or sadness or even guilt.

These are tears of relief because he finally has an anchor, something to hold onto, and knowing that gives Leo more comfort than anything else ever could.

What'd you think of the chapter? Please leave a review! Thanks for reading!