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Worse Than Death
Chapter Three
By Renegade Raine
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"Remind me of why the hell we're in this room with all of these rejects?" Grimmjow said loudly, causing some of the people in the room to give him a dirty look. Grimmjow just merely gave them an apathetic look in response. He then leaned back in his chair and propped his legs up on the tiny desk in front of him.
"It's because we're tired of being overloaded with house chores by Halibel, and we all decided to take the GED test, so that we can either get real jobs or go to college, so we can get away from her for a little while at least." Szayel Aporro answered.
Noitora, in the meantime, was rather enjoying the setting as he attempted to flirt with a couple of attractive women. They seemed repulsed by him though, because of his eye patch. Noitora happened to pass by Grimmjow and saw the perfect opportunity to gain the attention of the girls. He calmly walked by Grimmjow's chair and quickly kicked the already leaned chair, easily causing Grimmjow to fall back onto the hard floor. Instantly, the whole room filled with laughter. Grimmjow's expression compared to everyone else though was a complete opposite.
"Ya got a fuckin' problem with me or what?!" Grimmjow yelled as he stood up to sneer at Noitora. Noitora only shrugged and lifted his eyebrows a little.
"It seems as if you're the one with the problem." Noitora said with a devious smile. Grimmjow gave an unimpressed look, cracked his knuckles, and started to advance toward Noitora when the instructor walked in. The old woman gave the two a long stern look before speaking.
"I ask that all students be seated during testing." The instructor said with a scowl. If Grimmjow wasn't determined to have an excuse to be out of the house, then he would have disobeyed the command, however he grumbled and returned to his seat. Not long afterwards, the tests were handed out and the room went quiet as everyone tried to concentrate on the test.
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A few hours later…
"Where the FUCK is my name?!" Grimmjow exclaimed as he tried to find his name on the wall of the applicants who passed their GED test.
"If your name is not on the list, then you must have failed." Ulquiorra stated.
"The hell?" Grimmjow said incredulously. "I can understand you and Pink. Hell, I can even understand Lazy Ass passing the test. But I'm pretty sure that even I'm smarter than Noitora…and he passed!"
"You're awfully bitter today, aren't you?" Noitora stated with a cocky smirk. "But trust me, I have my own reasons that I study in my free time."
"Like what?" Grimmjow asked.
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Flashback
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Noitora lost track of how long it had been since he had last gotten some, and it was starting to piss him off. It wasn't that he couldn't get action, it was just that he had his hopes set very high. On this particular day though, his eyes glinted a little as he saw his target walk past him in the hallways of Las Noches. Quickly, he materialized behind the woman and put a hand on each of her shoulders, keeping her in place. Bringing his lips near one of her ears, he spoke in the most amative voice he could muster.
"So Halibel…whaddya say?" Noitora asked. Halibel's stoic expression did not change in the least bit as Noitora tried to seduce her.
"No." Halibel said, thinking it would be enough for Noitora. However, when she tried to walk away, Noitora tightened his grip on her shoulders and brought his lips only millimeters away from her ear.
"Don't lie to yourself." Noitora whispered with a leering glance. "You know you want it." Noitora then slid one of his hands down to rest upon Halibel's hip. However, when he attempted to lower his mouth to the back of Halibel's neck, she quickly turned the situation around and managed to pin Noitora's towering body against the wall. Noitora was a little pissed that she was the one in control, but at the same time, he had to admit to himself that he was incredibly turned on.
"I'll do anything you want, as long as you answer this question…" Halibel said with a slight twitch of her eyebrow.
"Anything?" Noitora asked with an exceptionally large grin. "Then by all means, ask away."
"Alright, then tell me what the capital of Chad is." Halibel said. "Be warned that if you answer incorrectly, I get to do whatever I want."
"Chad? You mean the guy who I beat the hell out of?" Noitora asked, clearly not realizing that there was a country that went by the same name.
"Wrong." Halibel droned.
"Ah well." Noitora said with a shrug, and then glanced lecherously at the woman in front of him. "I guess you can do whatever you want to me."
"Very well." Halibel said with a nod of her head. She released her hold on Noitora and glanced downwards. Noitora followed the path of her gaze and smirked a little as he realized exactly what she was looking at. The smirk did not last long, however. She kneed him in the groin and walked away.
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End Flashback
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"Just trust me, I have my damned reasons!" Noitora snapped, trying to forget the said reasons. "Besides, it seems that you're the one who should have studied."
"Tch. Whatever." Grimmjow muttered. "But at least I can actually pick up chicks without being desperate about it."
"What are you talking about?" Noitora asked with a raise of his brow. "I can pick up whatever chick I want!"
"Oh? Then why don't ya explain to me why you haven't gotten laid once since you stepped foot on this world?" Grimmjow said with a triumphant smirk.
"It's not like you've gotten laid either!" Noitora exclaimed.
"I could if I really wanted to." Grimmjow stated.
"You have blue hair. No woman in their right mind is going to fuck you." Noitora said with a roll of his eye.
"And you have an eye patch. Only freaks are into eye patches!" Grimmjow argued.
"Who said that I didn't like my girls on the freaky side?" Noitora countered, which only caused Grimmjow to give him a weird look, followed by a shake of his head.
"Could you guys shut the hell up already? Both of you are giving me a headache." Stark said in an annoyed tone. "Why don't you guys just settle it by seeing who can get laid first?"
"Okay…why the hell not?" Noitora responded. "So I can prove to jackass over there that I can get laid whenever I want!"
"The only jackass is you!" Grimmjow snarled. "I'll show you that I can seduce a broad better than you can, without even trying!"
"That's laughable, at best." Noitora said with a slight chuckle. "At least I have access to college girls. What're you gonna do? Pick up girls at high school?"
"Maybe, maybe not. It's none of your fucking business!" Grimmjow yelled as he started to storm off. "What matters is that by tomorrow, I guarantee that I'll win our bet!"
Watching Grimmjow stomp out of the room, Noitora smirked a little. "This should be amusing, to say the least."
"I dunno, I think he might actually win the bet." Stark commented.
"I have my doubts on both participants in this particular challenge." Ulquiorra said.
"Oh, shut the hell up, both of you!" Noitora responded. "I don't think either of you could do any better!"
"I bet we could!" Stark said, and turned to Ulquiorra. "Let's go to the bar and show that we can totally pick up chicks too. You can come with, Szayel."
"No thanks…I just realized how much money I could make by creating a love potion…I'll catch you guys later." Szayel Aporro responded, and left the building soon after.
"The bar is only a place for morons to gather." Ulquiorra said. "I'm going to the coffee shop instead."
"Coffee is some good shit." Grimmjow said. "I'd go with you, if it wasn't illegal for me to drink the stuff."
"Ah well." Stark said with a shrug. "I'm tired anyways. I'm going home"
Knowing that he wasn't going to get out of the situation, Ulquiorra sighed and walked away. Both Stark and Noitora left not long after that. Little did they know just how complicated all of their lives would become after that fateful day.
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The next day, Grimmjow grumbled as he sat at his desk at the Karakura High School. It was humiliating, to say the least, but at least he could scope out potential females for his bet against Noitora. As the students gathered inside the classroom, Grimmjow leaned back in his seat calmly. That was, until he saw a certain orange-haired kid that brought up bad memories. Instantly, he stood up and reached for his zanpakuto…but then remembered that he didn't have one.
"You!" Grimmjow shouted as he pointed his finger at him. "It's time to die!"
Ichigo stood clueless for a moment, until he put it together in his head, that without the skull remnant on his face, it was the very guy that not only owned the hell out of him, but he also managed to do it with one arm.
"Bastard, what are you doing here?" Ichigo shouted back. The two glared at each other, until Tatsuki walked through the door and punched Ichigo in the back of the head.
"You idiot!" she exclaimed. "I thought you were above beating up the new students!"
Ichigo tried to protest, but she just stomped his head down with her foot. Grimmjow laughed, as he found it immensely amusing that his rival was getting his ass kicked by a woman. His laughter did not last long, however, when Tatsuki grabbed his collar and brought his face close to hers.
"Don't think I don't know what you were doing either." Tatsuki said with clenched teeth. "Next time you try to start shit in this classroom, I'll kick your ass too!"
"Tatsuki-chan!" a feminine voice protested behind her. "Don't be so mean to Kurosaki-kun and the new student!"
The voice seemed kind of familiar, so when Tatsuki released her hold on him, Grimmjow looked around Tatsuki's shoulder and met the gaze of Orihime. Upon seeing him, Orihime's eyes widened slightly in terror, afraid that she would be whisked away to Hueco Mundo again. Grimmjow's thoughts were completely different, as he found the genius of choosing Orihime to fulfill his challenge. Noitora expressed interest in the girl before, not to mention it would piss Ichigo off. Not to mention the girl was pretty hot.
"Why are you here?" Orihime said in a quiet voice, after Tatsuki dragged Ichigo away from the scene.
"I got kicked out." Grimmjow replied, figuring it would be best to just tell her the truth.
"So you're banned from Hueco Mundo? What did you do?" Orihime asked.
"I pissed in his tea." Grimmjow answered truthfully. Orihime gave him a strange look for a moment, figuring that he was making a joke, but then she remembered that Grimmjow wasn't exactly the joking type and giggled a little.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" Grimmjow asked, cutting straight to the chase.
"Well…uh…no." Orihime stammered with a blush.
"Ya want one?" Grimmjow said with a raise of his brow.
"A-are you hitting on me?" Orihime said with an even more intense blush.
"What if I am?"
"But I barely know you!" Orihime exclaimed, as she tried to recover from her blush.
"Alright, then what do I have to do to get you to trust me?" Grimmjow said with a slightly annoyed tone.
"Well…uh…maybe you can take me on a date?" Orihime suggested.
"Date? What the hell is that?" Grimmjow inquired.
"Usually you go eat dinner and see a movie, I guess." Orihime responded. "I guess I don't really know, since I've never been on one."
"Alright, fine. I'll take you on one of those 'dates'." Grimmjow grumbled.
"Really?! Okay, I'll see you later tonight then!" Orihime said cheerfully as she walked to her seat. Grimmjow furrowed his eyebrows as he watched her. What in the hell had he just gotten himself into?
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Meanwhile, at the coffee bar, Ulquiorra sat at a table in the farthest corner of the room he could find. Not long afterwards, a longhaired stranger entered the shop, as he was set on a mission in the human world, and wanted to know exactly what the deal was with coffee. He ordered his coffee black and set out to find the furthest seat away from everyone else. To his chagrin, however, he found that Ulquiorra already occupied the seat.
"Such unsophisticated face paint." Byakuya muttered under his breath as he sat down at a table not far from where Ulquiorra was sitting. Despite Byakuya muttering the comment to himself though, Ulquiorra head it loud and clear, and he wasn't very happy about it. He was the very definition of sophistication, and if that imbecilic human could not tell this, then it was his own problem. However, Ulquiorra was not going to just sit there and take it.
"What a gaudy hairpiece." Ulquiorra said, pretending to say the comment to himself, but making it loud enough so that the dark-haired stranger would hear it. Upon hearing the insult of his beloved family heirloom, Byakuya's eye twitched ever so slightly. NO ONE makes fun of the heirloom. It was war now!
"At least I have some sort of fashion sense." Byakuya insulted, without breaking out of his characteristic calmness.
"At least I have the fashion sense to know that wearing a scarf tends to make one look homosexual." Ulquiorra countered, meeting Byakuya in a deadpan gaze.
"At least I can afford scarves like this. By the look of your ill-groomed hair, it would seem as though you have as much reputation as a homeless man who lives in a cardboard box." Byakuya said, while somehow keeping his face completely devoid of any emotion.
"I see." Ulquiorra stated, and droned the rest of his statement. "You are a formidable opponent. However, I will not lose to the likes of a man, such as yourself, who obviously has poor taste, if your order of black coffee says anything."
Everyone else in the coffee bar could practically see the tumbleweed blow across the scene, as the two glared at each other in the most emotionless way possible. The spectators were disappointed in the lack of emotion between the two, but yet no one could look away because of the fact that they were somewhat amazed by the fact that neither emoted anything at all. One woman even recorded the impassive argument with her cell phone, just to see how long the two could go without emoting.
The most interesting thing about the whole argument though, was the fact that neither Byakuya nor Ulquiorra knew that they were natural enemies. It didn't matter though, because although their faces didn't show, they hated each other deep down inside. Even if it was quite possibly the most boring kind of hate ever.
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Meanwhile, Grimmjow resisted the urge to smack his head several times during the amazingly cliché animated movie that Orihime chose to watch. He was determined to win the bet though, so he tried as hard as he could to actually look interested in the movie. He managed to tolerate the movie, but during a tragic scene, where a character was killed, Grimmjow was absolutely dumbfounded when Orihime started to cry. How the hell was he supposed to get laid now?
Desperate, Grimmjow looked around the movie theater to find an example to follow. Finally he watched as a young man put his arm behind another young woman who was also crying. Grimmjow thought it looked stupid, but he mirrored the guy's action anyways. Grimmjow was a bit annoyed when she started crying into his chest, but he watched as the male he had been keeping an eye on before gently grabbed the woman's chin and kissed her. Grimmjow did the same, except he wasn't anywhere near gentle.
Orihime was first taken aback, but despite his roughness with her, it felt strangely right. She wrapped her arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. Satisfied with the turn of events, Grimmjow leaned Orihime back against the theater seats. Sure, the movie annoyed the hell out of him, but he had no qualms of completing his mission here.
"Hey! This is a CHILDREN'S movie!" one disgruntled father yelled out. Grimmjow ignored her and tried to continue making out with Orihime, but she pulled away with a huge blush upon her face.
"She's right…we shouldn't be doing this." Orihime said meekly. Disappointed, Grimmjow sat up and picked up the popcorn tub. After sitting for about a second, he stood up and threw the popcorn container at the father.
"Let's get out of here." Grimmjow said as he started to walk out of the aisle.
"Yeah…this movie isn't very good." Orihime commented as she followed him.
"Then why the hell did you cry?" Grimmjow asked, stopping momentarily.
"It was still really sad!" Orihime protested. "So where are we going anyways?"
"We'll finish what we started. Your place or mine?" Grimmjow asked. Before Orihime could answer though, Grimmjow's cell phone rang. With a groan, Grimmjow flipped it open and answered. "The fuck you want?"
"I take it that you haven't completed the bet, huh?" an all too familiar cocky voice spoke on the other line.
"I'm about to, so shut up!" Grimmjow exclaimed. "Don't even try to tell me that you finished your bet either, Noitora."
"And what if I did?" Noitora asked. Grimmjow didn't respond, as he tried to figure out whether Noitora was trying to mess with his head or not. "Just kidding! I just wanted to see if you managed to even got a chick yet."
"I got one, and I'm about to win, so you can shove it when you fail, you bastard!" Grimmjow yelled as he hung up the phone.
"When you say that 'we'll finish what we started', what exactly do you mean?" Orihime asked with a sheepish look on her face. Grimmjow only had to look at her direction and raise a brow to illustrate exactly what he meant. Orihime's blush only intensified. "Oh…uh…well…"
"So which is it? Your place or mine?" Grimmjow asked.
"Actually…" Orihime said as she cast her gaze down. "I was planning to keep my virginity until I got married. I still am."
"You've gotta be fucking kiddin' me…" Grimmjow muttered as he allowed himself to smack himself in the forehead. Bad movies were one thing, but marriage? He started to wonder if it was really worth completing his goal.
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Back at the coffee bar, unknown to Byakuya and Ulquiorra, a crowd of people gathered. Usually, the coffee bar owner would kick out people who started trouble, but the boring confrontation between the two dark haired men transfixed so many people, that he was having his best day of business since the day a famous porn star came to get a caramel latte.
The crowd watched with wonder as the two men continued to impassively insult each other. Everyone was bored out of their mind, but they just had to see which guy would fall asleep first. One spectator, who was exceptionally geeky even compared the insult battle to a Metapod versus Metapod battle that he once saw in an episode of Pokemon.
The calm setting was interrupted though as ringing was heard from underneath the table where Ulquiorra was seated. With a sigh, Ulquiorra answered the phone, but kept his gaze on Byakuya.
"Hello." Ulquiorra said in his trademark deadpan tone, and listened as the person on the other line spoke. "You are doing what? You imbecile. And why should I come? I think we both know that we have no love lost between us. No, I don't care what she thinks either. Fine, but only because it is a special occasion. I will be there shortly."
"So are you admitting defeat?" Byakuya asked.
"No…this is not over between us." Ulquiorra stated. "I have a more important matter to see to right now. Farewell until next time."
"I will not go easy on you." Byakuya warned.
"I will not either." Ulquiorra said before he turned and walked out the door. The crowd then groaned and split up as they realized they spent three hours of their time watching a boring argument for absolutely nothing. This, however, would not be the last time that Byakuya and Ulquiorra would cross paths. Ulquiorra was determined to prove that he was the more sophisticated one, no matter what boring insult he had to tell that man.
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"You came!" Orihime exclaimed as she saw Ulquiorra walk through the door. Even though the dress she was wearing made it hard for her, she ran to the green-eyed man and gave him a hug. In typical Ulquiorra fashion, he didn't react at all. Orihime was still glad that he was able to come though, as he didn't treat her badly during her time in Las Noches. "Now Grimm-chan has at least one friend that could come to the wedding!"
"Grimm-chan?" Ulquiorra asked at the same time Grimmjow snorted for Orihime even insinuating that Ulquiorra was in any way his friend.
"Well, it's too bad that Kurosaki-kun couldn't make it, but-" Orihime started to say, but was cut off by the sound of a door slamming open.
"Inoue-san, don't you dare marry that bastard!" Ichigo exclaimed as he rushed into the room. "I swear to god that I'll drag you out myself if I have to!"
"But Ichigo, I-" Orihime tried to explain, but Grimmjow stepped in front of her.
"Ya got a problem, strawberry boy?" Grimmjow sneered.
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do." Ichigo said with gritted teeth. Normally, Ulquiorra wouldn't take any action, but hey, it was a special occasion. He stepped beside Grimmjow and stared at Ichigo. He then flexed his hand a little before he spoke.
"If I recall correctly, I once stabbed you through the chest with this hand of mine." Ulquiorra stated. "Now, I wonder what I can do with the other hand if you do not sit down and watch your friend's wedding"
Ichigo gulped and retreated immediately as he went to find a seat by Chad and Ishida. Grimmjow gave Ulquiorra an impressed look. Ulquiorra just gave him an emotionless glance before finding a seat away from everyone else. With everyone seated, Grimmjow and Orihime got into their places and waited for the minister. After a couple of minutes, the flamboyantly dressed minister came out silently, until he reached the center of the altar.
"BOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Don Kanonji proclaimed loudly, as he positioned his hands in his trademarked pose. Everyone else in the audience, apart from Ichigo and Ulquiorra, immediately copied the minister's actions. The sound of Ichigo crashing his head on the pew ahead of him could be heard as Don continued with the ceremony.
"We are all gathered here today by the spirits around us to celebrate the joining of this lovely lady and that…blue haired guy." Don announced. Unimpressed, Grimmjow glanced over at Orihime.
"I know that it's hard to find a minister to do an impromptu wedding, but did we have to hire that guy?" Grimmjow whispered.
"Oh, he just had his show cancelled, so I feel bad for the guy." Orihime responded. "Besides, he's really cool!"
"Yeah…really cool." Grimmjow said sarcastically as he watched the minister prance around while performing. Finally annoyed, Grimmjow yelled at him. "Could ya just skip that and get to the good part already?"
"Good part?" Don asked and then gave a little laugh. "This whole ceremony is going to be exquisite! Besides, the ceremony won't take that long, I promise!"
"Okay…if you say so." Grimmjow said dubiously.
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Two hours later…
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Grimmjow stood with an extremely exasperated face as Don Kanonji led the audience in singing the theme song of one of the many shows he had been, as Don said it united the people to appreciate the beauty of Grimmjow and Orihime's wedding. Once the song was done, Don stood in silence for a full minute (so that everyone could bask in the beauty of the song), before continuing.
"And now, in the moment you've all been waiting for, I will now allow this blue-haired fellow to kiss his lovely bride!"
"Oh, we'll be doing a whole lot more than that." Grimmjow muttered as he picked up his blushing (and I mean REALLY blushing) bride and walked down the aisle to get out of the church.
"By the power of Greyskull…er…I mean the holy God, I now pronounce you man and wife. May spirits ALWAYS BE WITH YOUUUUUU!" Don Kanonji managed to yell out before Grimmjow slammed the door shut.
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Elsewhere, Noitora was sprawled out in his bed in a deep sleep. Or rather he was, until the default ring tone of his cell phone started to play Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing". With a groan, he reached for his phone and answered.
"Hello?" Noitora answered in a drowsy tone.
"Take that, you bastard!" Grimmjow loudly exclaimed, causing Noitora to hold the phone a few inches away from his ear.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Noitora asked, but then remembered the bet they had. "Oh, you finally got laid?"
"S'right, I win the bet!" Grimmjow said with a laugh.
"Wow, I guess you're right. You win." Noitora said in the most impressed tone he could muster. Shortly afterwards, he heard the door to his room open and shut, causing him to cringe slightly.
"So lets hear you say it." Grimmjow bragged. "Tell me that I'm the better man!"
"Hang up the phone." A woman's voice commanded.
"Well, actually, I have to tell you something…" Noitora said, as he tried to move out of the bed.
"…and that is?" Grimmjow asked with all amusement out of his voice.
"The truth is…" Noitora said, as powerful arms kept his legs in place. "…I've had sex eleven times since yesterday."
"…what?" Grimmjow said, with a hint of mild anger.
"Yeah, tell me exactly how you managed to get all that money to take that girl out to the movies." Noitora responded.
"I borrowed the money from Halibel." Grimmjow stated. "She didn't want to give me the money, at first, but when I told her that I was in a bet against you, she gave me a whole wad of cash."
"Exactly." Noitora said. "What you don't know though, was that she gave you the money to basically pay you off so that she'd get the whole house to do whatever she wanted to me, without anyone interfering.
"Then why the hell did we even bother with the bet?" Grimmjow yelled.
"Because I wanted to see how far you would go." Noitora said with a shrug. "So what did you have to do to get her to fuck you?"
"…I married her." Grimmjow grumbled.
"What? You actually MARRIED her?" Noitora exclaimed, and then started to laugh hysterically, making him unaware of the head of his companion traveling under the blanket. "Hahahaha, not even I would be that desperate! Oh man, this is hilarious…hahahahahaAH…uhhhhh…oh…gotta go, she's in the mood again!"
Noitora hung up his phone as he grabbed Halibel's hair to bring her head closer to his. Halibel glared at Noitora for a moment before pinning both hands against the bed. Reaching behind her, she took out a pair of handcuffs.
"Put them on." She ordered. Noitora groaned.
"Again?" Noitora asked. "Why am I always the bitch?"
"Because you never answer the questions right." Halibel responded.
"Fucking trigonometry…it's not like anyone ever uses it in real life." Noitora muttered under his breath as he put the cuffs on.
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Meanwhile, back at the hotel Grimmjow rented for him and the new Mrs. Jaggerjack, he stood in stunned silence for ten whole seconds. He then yelled in frustration and threw his cell phone out the window.
"THAT BASTARD!"
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Author's Notes
For those of you curious as to what happens to Orihime…well…she's moving in with everyone. At least she can clean for Grimmjow. XD
And before anyone complains, I personally don't have anything against eyepatches. Hell, I'm the biggest eye patch fangirl in possibly the whole world (I love Noitora, Kenpachi, and Xigbar dearly), it's just that most people find them weird.
I'm a geek for totally remembering the Metapod vs. Metapod fight in Pokemon. It was the anime that got me into anime, dammit! I was also thirteen back then. But yet, in that whole series, the boring Metapod vs. Metapod fight is by far the most memorable.
I hope to god that Byakuya and Ulquiorra actually meet in the manga. All they would do is throw impassive insults at each other while fighting. Except they don't have their zanpakutos in the real world, so all they have are their impassive insults. XD
On another note, I would TOTALLY go to a wedding run by Don Kanonji. It would be beyond the point of being ridiculous, but at least it wouldn't be boring.
It's pretty sad how much love I have for the Halibel/Noitora pairing, even though they only interacted like…once in the manga so far. Hopefully they'll have at least one more exchange sometime in the manga. .
But anyways, in the next chapter of Worse Than Death, Grimmjow, Orihime, and Noitora go to see Grindhouse. Noitora and Grimmjow are so awe-struck with the movie, that they set out to make an adaptation of the movie…and get everyone they know involved with it. See the movie, if you haven't already, because I'll probably spoil it a little in the next chapter. And yeah, there will be a lot more Espada action in the next chapter. XD