AN: Many, many thanks to the wonderful AntigoneRex, my patient and talented beta reader. Seriously, ignore this drivel and go read her stories.
Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, a herd of kittens would follow Al wherever he went.
Acclimation: Part 2
They walked the rest of the way home in silence, with nothing but the irregular beat of their boots hitting concrete and the soft hiss of gas lamps to fill the clear night air. Cones of yellow light briefly illuminated them as they walked under the tall lampposts; first Riza with her dark blue overcoat then Lust trailing behind her with a long, clinging black leather coat. One coat absorbing light, the other capturing it - flashing it. Even his black leather pants caught the light from time to time. Now that she had time to cast the occasional glance over her shoulder, she noticed the red lines running down the sides of his pants, ending mid-calf in a filled ring. His pale skin stood out in stark contrast to his clothing.
Tension and adrenaline hid her earlier exhaustion, but when everything wound down, there was no doubt in her mind that she would utterly crash. Hawkeye looked back to the Sin following her as she pushed open the hallway door of her building.. "I'm sure you knew where I lived anyway, or would at some point, so I'm not worried about this." Much. No longer would she feel secure in her own home. The strained, acknowledging smile he gave reinforced that she had assessed correctly. She let him grasp the door before releasing it and leading the way in without looking back, avoiding his direct stare. She could feel his eyes bore holes through the back of her head and (without a doubt) other places of interest. Once she reached her own door, she unlocked the deadbolt, cold hands still aching from combat. Riza swept in, flipping a switch for an overhead light fixture above the dining table. She left the door open for Trouble to follow her in.
He remained quiet except for the unavoidable tap of his boots against the wooden floor. His eyes promptly moved about the immediate area, looking increasingly distressed. Hands shoved into his coat pockets, he leaned against the wall by the door, almost as if trying to disappear.
No rugs on the floor, nor pictures on the wall, her home was Spartan by definition. The couch faced the center of the spacious apartment, the back flush against the wall. To the left of the entryway stood a plain wooden table with two equally plain matching chairs, a bowl of fruit in the center the only decoration other than a houseplant in the corner of the room that stood on a stack of boxes. The kitchen further left of the small dining area was plain and neat, no dishes in the sink or on the counter. Directly in front of the door spread out the living room. Only the small end table with a bookmarked novel casually laid on it and standing lamp beside the couch implied that someone actually lived there and used the space.
Slipping her coat off and leaving it neatly draped over the back of a kitchen chair, she walked to the couch and turned to flop into it with a sigh. She reached up and switched on the standing lamp beside her. The room filled with light, leaving little place for Lust to hide.
Finally her eyes rested on the discomforted Sin. He looked so forlorn, standing there slightly hunched, that she almost felt sorry for him.
"If you're honest with me, I'll be honest with you," she said quietly. That didn't mean she'd say anything about what she was doing now, however. Stupidity wasn't her forte. To test this new arrangement, she leaned in closer, an arm draped over the over-sized arm of the couch. "Tell me what you're thinking and feeling right now."
The Sin glared. "You want to know? Well, I'll tell you." Lust's tone resembled a growl, betraying the effort it took to keep himself under control. "I feel... unnerved." His gaze darted about the room yet his body never moved. "I look around, see familiar things... but I've never been here. I know this room, the furniture- " He covered his eyes while the other arm crossed over his chest. "- the rest of the layout. Images keep coming, one after another... each different... over and over." His voice softened as he spoke - returning to that same vulnerability from earlier.
"Roy has been here a lot. So you remember what he remembers," she murmured, using present tense, considering the living shadow of the man she once knew and loved stood before her. His startling honesty said a lot for how much this experience shook him. Nevertheless, despite his similarities to Roy, having the Sin there felt like having a wild animal in the house. Hawkeye started and looked around quickly. Speaking of animals, where was Black Hayate? Normally the small dog was there to greet her by now. A brief scan around the apartment confirmed that he must be off on one of his late night strolls. Hopefully his return wouldn't startle the homunculus too much. She leaned against the arm of the couch and returned her focus to her guest. "Alright. Your turn to ask a question." No matter if she were asking or being questioned, she found herself learning a lot about Lust.
He peered above his hand at her, shaded lavender eyes reflecting his surprise. They narrowed, then relaxed as he sighed. He dropped the hand to his side. "I see these images, him... and I have no idea who he is. Not understanding why they come in the first place, that's part of the frustration."
It seemed strange that he didn't know about the Flame Alchemist. Perhaps he hadn't met the other Sins yet. "Homunculi are created when an alchemist tries to revive someone who died," she said. "For some reason, they take the form of the one they intended to resurrect, but some... thing else has possession of the body. So you have the form of Roy Mustang, and apparently his memories. Why this is, I don't know. But if you can feel what he felt, that is undeniable proof that something ties you together with him." Most of this was musing out loud, but if it helped him, all the better. "I know all about him. You'd have to ask something specific." Hawkeye looked at him keenly. "Why do you care? Why did you seek me out? Why not just ignore it?"
The Sin growled under his breath. "Ignore it? I've been trying since the first day to ignore it. No matter what I do, they come, triggered by things I see, hear, do..." Obviously frustrated, he pushed from the wall and stood straight, clenching his fists. But the next moment, his shoulders slumped. Lust sighed. "I know the mechanics of 'how' a homunculus is created and why they take on the form that they do. Envy explained all of that. But... I thought... if I put the pieces together, learn who exactly this is, maybe..."
There was something more important to explore, though. Something she had been working towards ever since... The Lieutenant took a deep breath and leaned forward, looking more intently than ever at Lust. "I'm going to ask you something important. Try hard to remember." Another pause as she steeled herself for the answer.
"Who killed Roy Mustang?"
Looking altogether resigned, he heaved a sigh, folded his arms over his bare chest, and closed his eyes in concentration. "I see..." He hesitated. "It started out normal. In his office... coffee… paperwork." As he continued, his voice softened, becoming more monotone. The memory seemed to draw him in deeper. "Then everyone left for the night. He was alone, but... not alone."
Hawkeye closed her eyes. In her mind's eye, she saw his office as it had appeared after the murder. There were scorch marks all around, directed outward from behind his desk. The alchemic fire burned hot enough to leave deep scorch marks in whatever it touched, but controlled enough to never spread.
As morbid and unpleasant as it was to dwell on her lover's death, she wondered just what exactly the Flame Alchemist had faced that night. Hawkeye was acutely aware of Mustang's human weaknesses, and had, in a hidden part of her mind, almost knew something like this would happen. But at the same time, another part of her had thought of him as invincible. What could wipe that confident smile from his face forever?
Perhaps nothing, she thought, considering an incarnation of Roy Mustang stood in front of her despite being murdered a few months ago. As though his spirit refuses to be extinguished.
She opened her eyes and listened without comment, not interrupting the monologue lest the opportunity be lost. Her hands clasped in front of her, knuckles white.
The Sin's head tilted forward, his back found the support of the wall once more. His eyes remained closed. "He was on edge from the beginning. None of it felt right. Then he was attacked without warning. Defended too late: fire… slashing of steel..." His words grew softer and Hawkeye found herself leaning in closer to catch every word. "He's fighting back… flames and smoke everywhere... But it doesn't work." He spoke as though it were happening at that moment. As though surrounded by memory.
The pet flap in the front door swung open softly and Black Hayate returned, padding into the room toward his mistress before snapping his head in the direction of Lust and jumping to the side, startled. The little dog took a wary step closer to the man, sniffing the air and lowering his belly to the ground, ready to jump away at a moment's notice. Hawkeye turned her attention back to the homunculus.
Lust coughed as if on the smoke in the memory, face contorted in concentration and anxiety. The Sin's hand jerked up, clenching at his chest as the muscles of his entire body tensed. Hawkeye's heart lurched as she watched Lust's fingers close over the place where Roy suffered his fatal injury. Lust's eyes opened to thin slits, free hand lifting to Mustang's signature position with fingers poised to snap at an unseen enemy.
Hawkeye realized she was witnessing Mustang's final moments.
Her knuckles whitened even more, and she held her breath. His pained face, Roy's pained face, dying, right in front of her. She rose to her feet without thinking, her body reacting on instinct. Her hands clenched at her sides, her face stricken. "Lu-" The first effort was weak; she couldn't force the air from her lungs hard enough. She took a deeper breath. "Lust! Stop it! Stop it now!" she cried out.
Black Hayate jumped back from the man with a yip. The pup proved to be quite brave and protective over Hawkeye, and in the past showed the same over Roy. Whining, he paced between his mistress and the homunculus, bewildered.
Her voice brought him back to reality. The Sin's body tensed and froze in place. He blinked and shook his head slightly. He lowered his hand and tried to straighten, but instead pitched backwards and slid down the wall to the floor, looking pallid.
Hawkeye walked halfway across the room then stopped, hesitating. She felt so conflicted. Not even half an hour earlier she had been running from him - with good reason. "...Lust?"
Hayate walked forward with hesitant steps and sniffed the Sin's hand. He whined, reaching out to paw at it.
The homunculus remained still for a few moments. Violet eyes focused on the small creature before his fingerless gloved hand lifted mechanically to pet him. "Hayate," he murmured, his voice soft, weakened. He shook his head a heartbeat later. "I couldn't see his face."
The dog seemed to trust him and the homunculus appeared harmless at the moment. Hawkeye closed the distance and took a knee in front of him, hands on her thighs. "You're... not just a stranger, are you? Roy is in you somehow." If that was true, the implications... There was no way she could leave him alone now. Even if she didn't trust him enough to turn her back on him quite yet.
Hayate gave a happy wag of his tail and stepped into his lap to press up into his hand, sniffing at Lust's face. Even as Lust raised his eyes to meet Hawkeye's, he continued to pet the small dog: slow scratches behind his ears, movements heavy and uncoordinated. Hayate growled in pleasure at the attention, tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth. When Lust paused too long, the dog's cold wet nose pushed up into his hand to remind him to continue.
"Riza..." he uttered with a breath of relief.
Hawkeye's eyes widened. Not only was that his voice, but his eyes had lit up with a new recognition that wasn't there before, his face reflecting a softened, even affectionate expression. A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
"Roy?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.
The recognition and warmth faded. She never saw Roy look so lost before, even after Maes was murdered. It had been easier shooting Lust when she thought he was nothing more than a monster that stole Mustang's image for his own.
"Mmm." His chin lowered once more to his chest, eyes unfocused and on the floor.
That wasn't good enough. This was important, right now more important than anything else in the world. Hawkeye reached forward and lifted his chin to focus on her. "Lust... or Roy... Who are you? Tell me." Please, please let it be possible Roy is still here, she pleaded. It couldn't be wrong to hope that, could it? Her shining eyes shifted between his, searching for some justification for her desire.
For a moment, it looked like there could be something there, some recognition. But as quickly as it appeared, it faded and Lust pulled his face from her hand. "Lust. My name… is Lust."
But no matter how he denied it, she knew without a doubt there had been something there.
She released his chin, but her eyes never left his face. She ducked lower to keep him in view. "I... don't... think so. Maybe you are Lust, yes, but... I can't deny that I feel Roy, and so does Hayate. This is how he acted around him." Hawkeye paused. "You're not like the other homunculi at all, are you?"
He focused on the little dog, fingers again moving through the dark fur. "No. I'm very different."
She watched Lust pet Hayate for a while, quiet in thought. Lust didn't know much about himself, she knew that much. "You're not a normal homunculus, you're definitely not human, and you're not Roy because he would never act as... brash as you have, to put it lightly." Pushing on her thighs, she returned to her feet and stood over him. "So what are you?"
The black-haired man looked up at her. The quiet stretched out and his expression changed. The confusion, fear, and pain she saw before turned to bitter anger, focused on her. He exhaled harshly and the anger disappeared, as though he won some silent, internal battle. He barked out a humorless laugh. "Hell if I know."
"You came to me for answers. I don't have them. I don't know what you are, or... who you're supposed to be." Hawkeye frowned, the stern look returning. "I want you to go away and to never see you again. And yet..." She sighed, feeling increasingly troubled. Part of him held Roy and she couldn't let Roy go, especially not without exploring this.
The Lieutenant glanced to the kitchen and back to the black-haired man. "I swear, if you try to do anything to me, I will bring up a memory so vivid and horrible you'll be left curled up on the floor in the fetal position." With her threat laid down, she turned and headed for the kitchen. "It's your turn to ask a question, if there's any you think I can actually answer."
From his position on the floor, he nodded once and continued to pet the little dog. Black Hayate yipped, looking into Lust's face eagerly and wagging his tail.
Hawkeye pulled out a pot and can of soup from a cupboard. It was against her nature to not offer anything to eat, so she compromised. Bringing out a tea kettle, she began to set up some tea.
Giving a soft sigh, his expression turned vacant. "Why am I so different?"
The can hissed and she rotated the handle of the opener. "I don't know, but I know Roy was not an ordinary man. You might know that better than anyone at this point, except for me." She put the soup on the stove and stepped back, looking through her teabags for just the right flavors for tonight. Something relaxing. Chamomile, ginger, eleuthero, lemon, peppermint, cinnamon... That combination would be perfect. Once the tea began to steep, she stirred the soup.
"But I'm sure the other humans had something special about them when they were alive. So why don't the others go through this much?"
A few minutes later, she presented him with a cup of tea. She nudged his foot to rouse him from his mental wanderings. "I don't know why you would want to be like them, anyway. You don't have any reason to envy them. But, maybe something went wrong- or right- in your human transmutation."
Now it was her turn to ask a question. "What will you do now? Really. Do whatever the other homunculi do?"
"'What the other homunculi do'," he scoffed. He took the tea and cupped it in two hands to inhale the heady vapors. He blinked and looked down into the cup, giving it a swirl while keeping it close. "That's a stretch for me," he continued. "I don't like being part of the group, controlled by 'Mother.' They're all pawns and none can think for themselves. So, if I have a choice of wandering and being confused about what I am, or becoming her puppet, I'll wander."
She prepared the tea to Roy's taste; she had a feeling Lust wouldn't mind. Taking her time, she walked back to the table and a waiting bowl of soup. "You have a mother?" The group seemed more organized than she imagined. "What on earth could they want? Surely they don't view us humans as any threat." She took a sip of her own tea before forcing down a few spoons of the soup.
Lust touched the cup to his lips and sipped. "I haven't been let in on everything yet, but yes. She's not a blood mother, but she's the one who gathered all the Sins in one place, made a 'family' out of us."
The spoon clinked against the side of the bowl. "It sounds almost nice, if they weren't a family composed of homicidal monsters. With people like you under her thumb, I'd imagine she could do anything she wanted." It couldn't be very safe to have Lust wandering the streets, regardless. Has he killed anyone? She watched him for a moment before returning to her soup. It was his turn to ask something.
Hayate ended up curling into a ball next to Lust on the floor, nose buried in his tail and heaving a contented sigh. Lust shook his head. "If you have another question, go ahead."
For this, she set the spoon down on the table and turned herself to face him directly. Her palms pressed together between her knees, an almost girlish posture she often took while distracted with her own thoughts. "Are you going to come back to me? It seems to me you came out of emotional need more than intellectual."
Lust continued to sip the tea without hurry. He tilted his head back to touch the wall. "In all honesty... probably. On both points."
Hawkeye leaned back in her chair, resting an elbow on the table. This could be a problem. On one hand, she wanted to tell him that there was nothing she could offer him. On the other, Roy was in there. She hadn't lived a single day since she lost him, and even sleep offered no respite when day by day, the sheets lost more and more of his scent. This man spelled trouble - but all she had to do was glance at him and see Roy's face. On closer look, she saw the mannerisms and minute habits she would recognize. She would never again be this close to Roy other than through his homunculus, and the idea that his living avatar might walk away and disappear wrenched her heart. The familiar smell on the sheets was fading, but it was strong on Lust - and a quiet, freezing terror crept up on her when she thought of the day Roy disappeared from the sheets forever. She sighed. "You made one hell of a first impression, Lust. Have you done that to other women? Killed anyone?"
There was no answer for a length of time, then Lust brought the cup to his lips and sipped the tea once.
"To answer, I'll just give you a brief overview." He ran a ran down his face then rested it on the dog's back. "Because of my face, I wasn't allowed to do things the others were asked. I spent most of my time in Mother's home, doing small tasks for her.
"She glorified it by calling me her bodyguard, but how was I supposed to be that when she made me stay home every time she went out? 'It's not time' she always told me. I accepted it before the change, but when my nature began to stir, the restrictions began to drive me mad." He paused to cast a wayward glance at Hawkeye, His eyes moved over her face for a long moment before he continued. "I couldn't take it anymore. She separated me from this so called 'family,' so why should I stay in a place where I was treated like an outsider? The others were disgusted with me and Mother hid me away... not to mention that old lady smell was too much for anyone to bear. One day when she was out, I grabbed a few stones, some money, and I left, working my way to Central. That was... two weeks ago.
"I haven't killed anyone, almost did." He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes with a soft, drawn out sigh, and Riza's breath caught. By luck he didn't catch her moment of weakness, but with his eyes closed and body held loose and relaxed, he looked the mirror image of her fallen General. "Some rough looking guy confronted me outside some bar. I don't know what happened, but my anger died suddenly and I just couldn't finish it. And for sex, no, I don't approach women the same way. My first was a little redhead. She offered what my body liked and I offered the money she liked." Lust shrugged as if it was nothing, but avoided looking at her. "After a while, a few girls approached me."
Throughout the entire narrative, Hawkeye remained still, absorbed by the story. The monster she faced in the beginning felt so absent from this man right now, it was hard to imagine it had ever been there in the first place. She turned from him and picked up her bowl to return it to the sink. Suddenly she had lost her appetite.
Lust opened a single eye to follow her. Upon closing it, he brought the cup to his lips again and finished the rest of the tea.
The bowl, pan, and spoons were cleaned, dried, and put away in silence to buy her a little time to process everything. "Do you have any more questions for me?" she asked without turning around.
The homunculus' expression softened once more as he opened his eyes to watch her move through the kitchen, his gaze lingering on her back. The question hung in the air, leaving a heavy silence. Suddenly, his body tensed and he looked away. "I- I can't stay. I need to think." The words came out in a rush as he pushed himself from the floor, knees suddenly shaking, stance unsteady.
Turning to face him, she propped her palms on the edge of the sink and leaned back. After the events of that day, even the carmine hue of her eyes appeared washed out. "That might be best. I need to rest. It's been a long day and a worse night, and I still can't trust you." A short pause. "You don't even trust yourself yet, either." Hawkeye averted her eyes and shook her head. "If you hadn't assaulted me a short while ago, I might have offered more help. As it is, I think the tea was very generous of me."
The Sin avoided looking at her, too. "I'm not sure of a lot of things. I'm confused and- everything is just so... hazy. Unclear." He moved to the door and placed his hand on the handle. "But there is one thing I'm sure of. I am Lust. And I lost control of myself to my nature when I saw you." Then he was gone, the door swinging shut with a soft click behind him.
She scowled at the door. That wasn't exactly a comforting closing thought. Hopefully that won't become a habit. Hawkeye brought a hand over her eyes and drew a steadying breath. This was too much, just too much. What she needed was a long, hot shower. That would help. She pushed herself away from the counter and gathered up his cup.
Hayate, disturbed by the departure of Lust, uncurled and followed her back to the bedroom. He stretched his paws and toes out far in front of him, bowing low and yawning as his mistress brushed past him and disappeared into the shower. Head tilted curiously, he sat in the doorway and watched the shadow beyond the frosted glass.
Though she used a light herb-scented shampoo, Hawkeye still tasted salt.
AN: The perfect theme song for this chapter is Come Back To Me, by David Cook. Try it.