December 7th 1984

A little over two weeks before Christmas. I don't know what to do with the boys. I was never good at Christmas... that was all Mary's holiday. I mean... what should I get for them? I didn't know what Dean even likes. And Sam's a toddler. Do I get him pull up diapers? God, I'm hopeless. Maybe I should get a Christmas tree. Or maybe take the boys to go see one of those mall Santas. Then they can look around the stores for toys. You know, I used to dream of doing all those things, but now it just seems miserable.

Sammy keeps crying for his mother and any time I try to soothe him, nothing works. I just end up listening to him cry for at least an hour while Dean tries to calm him. Most of the time Dean succeeds. God, what kind of father am I? My five year old son calms down my toddler better than I can! I should have never had children... then Mary might still be alive.

Where would I even put a Christmas tree? We live in a motel for Christ's sake! I guess I'll just take the boys to the mall.

That trip actually went well.

We got to the mall and Sam saw Santa and his face lit up. I got a picture with both Sam and Dean on his lap. But then Santa asked them what they wanted for Christmas.

Dean said: "I want my mom back."

Sam said: "Mommy."

I had to then explain that the boys had just recently lost their mother and I got tons of sympathetic looks. I HATE those looks. I took my boys away quickly. Then we went to a couple stores in the mall. Sammy seemed very attached to a specific penguin stuffed animal. This made me smile because penguins had been Mary's favorite animal. Dean though, hadn't seemed to find an interest in anything. But then he saw the miniature Christmas tree.

"Look Dad." He'd said. "We should get that so Sammy can have a Christmas."

Not "So we can have a Christmas." Everything was all about Sam. This broke my heart. But it was what Dean wanted. All that Dean wanted. So I bought the tree and Sam and Dean pick several things to put on it from the box of small ornaments that went with the tree. Most of Sam's were small animals and sparkly balls. But Dean just grabbed three balls with a word on each.

'Love.'

'Hope.'

'Family.'

I smiled.

"Very nice Dean, Sam." Dean just shrugged. Then I saw three small reindeer. One had antlers like a strong adult male. Then two had little stubs, like they were young males.

"Look boys." I said. I held them up.

"Cool." Dean didn't sound too interested.

So we bought all those things, except the penguin. I'll go back for that later and wrap it up for Sam. When we got back we set the tree up on the nightstand between the two beds in the motel room. I took a sharpie and wrote our names on the reindeer, each corresponding with us.

I think I did okay... I just wish I could find a way to make Dean happy.