Every year when Rory left college, she felt a tinge of regret. She wanted to know that her time in that space had meant more than tape carefully pulled off walls, erasing the evidence of her own existence. When she started on the presidential campaign, she got used to stopping and starting, a new life in every city, so now, temporary existence no longer scares her. She's gotten in the habit of carrying everything on her back, and now here is a whole town that calls itself her home. It feels too extravagant. She wants to ask, "How am I supposed to carry all of this?" She knows she can't.

EARLY NOVEMBER

Rory was walking through the town square on her way back from Al's Pancake World, Lithuanian cuisine in hand, when something brought her up short. Jess was reading in the gazebo. Something about it was so familiar to Rory that for a moment, she forgot to wonder what he was doing here.

"Hey," she said, approaching him. She stood awkwardly in front of the bench, not sure whether she should sit down and commit herself to a longer conversation.

"Hey." He put his finger in the book to hold his place.

"I didn't know you were in Stars Hollow." Rory shifted her weight to her hip.

"Yeah, it was kind of last minute. See, Liz sent me an invitation to Doula's birthday way back when it actually was Doula's birthday, but being Liz, she forgot that I was back in New York and not in Philly. And then, being Liz, she got mad but wouldn't tell me what was wrong, so I had no idea what I'd done wrong until one of the guys at Truncheon finally remembered to forward my mail."

"Ah. So this is an apology visit."

"It's a get-Liz-off-my-back visit."

Rory stuck her free hand in her pocket, feeling awkward that she was still standing when he was sitting. "Where are you staying?"

"Luke's. Since he's with your mom and all, there's a perfectly good empty apartment for me to stay in. It's not much, but beats staying with Liz and Mr. Potato Head."

Rory laughed at the nickname. "It's sweet that you and TJ get along so well."

Jess smirked, but didn't reply, and without anyone else keeping the conversation going, she was at a loss. She didn't like this new awkwardness that she now felt around Jess, but she had no idea how to fix it.

Finally, she had to say something. "So… I guess maybe I'll see you around."

"Yeah, maybe. By the way, I've been meaning to argue with you about your most recent article. You left out a few details that really change the slant."

Rory was about to sit down and engage when she remembered the bag in her hands. "I've got take-out."

"Fine, but you're just giving me time to further hone my argument. I think you'll be quite impressed with how well thought-out it is." Jess quirked an eyebrow.

Rory looked away quickly. "Bye."

"Later," Jess said.

Rory left the gazebo, and by the time she turned to take one last look at him, Jess had already resumed reading.

"Rory, Doll!" Babette called, jogging towards Rory as she left the town square.. She was dragging a reluctant kitten behind her on a leash. "How are ya?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Who's the new cat?"

"Oh, this is Marmalade. Don't you love that name? Morey thinks it's just gorgeous."

Rory nodded, trying not to laugh. "Well, Morey has good taste."

"So I saw ya talkin' to Jess. Does it make you miserable, havin' to see him again all the time?"

"You know, Babette, Jess and I are friends."

"But Sweetie, he broke your heart! Oh, I remember boys like that! Did you know I once dated a mail carrier? When we broke up, he wouldn't give me my letters for a year! Totally shut of my contact with my mother. Ooh, it makes me mad just thinkin' about it!"

"Speaking of mothers, I should really get home." Rory held up her takeout and gave Babette a smile that she hoped looked apologetic.

"Of course! Don't let me keep you. Marmalade and I are just going to walk a little bit longer so she can get used to the town. Be careful, you hear!"

"I will."

Rory made it back home without another incident.

"So, Patty asked me about Roger the other day," Lorelai said as they walked towards Luke's. "She wanted to know why you broke up."

"Why does she care?" Rory asked sharply.

"So she can be the first one to gossip about it at the newsstand?" Lorelai's tone implied that this was obvious, and in fact, it probably was.

Rory crossed her arms. "God! You know, it's none of her business. I don't ask her why none of her marriages have worked out."

"Well, that's because she tells you. Loudly, and often, with details that become seared into your memory so that you're stuck thinking about them, over and over, no matter how hard you try to forget them." Lorelai put an arm around Rory's shoulders and squeezed. "Come on, Sweetie. She's just curious." They'd made it to the front of Luke's but neither of them moved to open the door.

"But it's not her business! I shouldn't have to tell everyone the complex details of why my relationship didn't work out!"

"Why are you getting so upset about this? What complex details?"

"Nothing! I just hate that everyone in this stupid town needs to know everything about my life!"

Lorelai held up a hand. "Okay, let's call a time-out on this one, before someone gets hurt. Now, let's go into Luke's before, and I promise that if anyone asks about Roger you can throw silverware at them, sound good?"

Rory sighed loudly. "Can we just go in?"

"Fine with me. Maybe some coffee will put you in a less crabby mood."

"Not crabby, just annoyed," Rory said, following her mother into the diner.

They sat down at the table closest to the door. Lane was over with coffee the minute they sat down.

"I'm so glad you're back!" she said, giving Rory a hug and almost spilling the coffee pot in the process. "We're playing a gig in Chicago on Friday. I know it's a bit far, but you could stay in the same hotel as us and pretend we're famous."

"We actually… have plans Friday night," Rory said.

Lorelai looked at Lane sympathetically. "Love to be able to get out of them, but my parents are insisting that with Rory in town, we come to Friday Night Dinner more often. My mother caught me while I was working and I couldn't come up with an excuse for this weekend quickly enough."

"Oh." Lane's face fell.

"Next time," Rory promised.

"Chicago sounds nice," Lorelai said, clearly trying to make Lane feel better. "How long are you staying?"

"All weekend. Zach's been needing a break from the kids for a while now, and Mama will jump at the chance to take them to church with her. When I asked her to take them, she looked like she actually might cry from joy."

"You know, I never would have pegged Zach for being a good stay-at-home dad," Rory said.

Caesar walked behind Lane. She handed the coffee pot to him quickly and continued the conversation. "I wouldn't have either, when I first met him, but he's really good with the kids. He's a lot more patient than I am."

Rory was about to respond when her phone rang. "I'll be right back," she said, taking it outside. "Hello?"

"Did you know about this?" A loud voice demanded. "It's ridiculous, you'd think it was an invitation to a five year old's tea party, for all the notice they've given us."

"Paris?" Rory shivered, wishing she'd remembered her coat. She wrapped her free arm around herself.

"Of course it's me, who else would it be? Didn't you recognize my voice? You lived with me for most of college, how could you not recognize my voice? And why are you not as freaked out as I am? Journalism's your thing, not mine. I don't know why I'm the one freaking out and you're just asking my name as though you don't know me."

"Well, it might be because I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You mean you didn't get one? But you were a much more successful editor than me, how could I get one if you didn't?"

"Paris, slow down. What did you get that I didn't?" Across the street, Miss Patty's dance class was practicing their Turkey dance. The costumes got more elaborate every year.

"An invitation! I said that, didn't I?"

"An invitation to what?"

"They're having a reunion, for all the former editors. It's supposed to be an amazing opportunity to network. I wonder if Doyle's going to be there. Maybe I shouldn't go. Do you think I should go? If I don't go, he'll know I'm hiding from him, but if I do go we'll have to make awkward small talk and I just don't know if I can handle that. What do you think?"

"You should go," Rory said firmly. "If it's a networking opportunity, take it. Absolutely." One of the littlest turkeys was having trouble staying up; the costume was awkwardly large on her.

"But I'm not even going into Journalism, so these connections might not serve me at all in later life. Maybe I should boycott it to protest your not being invited. Why weren't you invited? I don't understand how you could have not been invited."

"When did the invitation show up? It probably went to my box in Manhattan."

"You mean you aren't having your mail forwarded? What kind of person doesn't have their mail forwarded? What if there's time sensitive information, and you don't get it because you aren't having your mail forwarded."

"Relax, Paris, I'm going to get my mail this weekend. When's this reunion?"

"Three weeks from Saturday."

"I'll try to make it. Now can you try to relax?"

There was a pause. "I'll try. I should go anyway. I have a midterm tomorrow, though why they call it a midterm when it's more than halfway through the semester I have no idea. Do you promise you'll go to the reunion? I don't want to face Doyle by myself."

"I said I'll try."

"Well, let me know soon, will you? I need to mentally prepare myself."

"I will. Bye, Paris."

"Bye."

Rory hit the 'end call' button. The littlest girl had finally tipped over from the weight of her costume. Two others were trying to help her up, but the costumes didn't bend at the waist, and they couldn't reach her outstretched hand.

"I'm going for a walk," Rory called, pulling on her jacket.

Lorelai came bounding down the stairs. "Are you going to be home in time for dinner?"

"Not sure."

"Well, call me when you're sure, all right?"

"Okay." Rory let the door shut gently behind her and hoped Babette and Morey wouldn't notice her leaving. She always felt guilty for thinking that way, but there was no good way to be alone in her house, and she didn't want to be accosted the minute she left by well-meaning neighbors. For some reason, having Luke around made the house feel smaller, despite the amount of time he spent at the dinner.

She wasn't sure where she was going, but eventually Rory's feet led her to the bridge next to the high school. She hadn't been here in years, hadn't even thought about it. After Jess had left, she'd tailored her movements to avoid anything that would hurt. As a result, there were places she'd almost forgotten about. But muscle memory ran deeper, apparently. Rory lowered herself so that she was sitting on the bridge, legs dangling.

After about twenty minutes, she wondered what it would be like if she jumped in. Stupidly cold, of course, but the temptation remained. And almost as soon as the thought had entered her mind…

"I'll push you in if you want."

Rory didn't even look up. This had been their bridge, more his than hers anyway. It would have been stranger not to run into him here. "No thanks."

"We seem to be running into each other a lot these days."

"You know what they say about small towns." It sounded like something he would say, or would have said when they'd known each other better. It surprised Rory to hear it coming out of her own mouth.

"So, there's something I've been wondering for a while now, and I thought I'd just come right out and ask," Jess said, sitting down next to her.

"What?"

"Why'd you leave the presidential job? I heard you saying it was too fast paced, but— Do you remember that night you broke your arm, and you told me you wanted to be an overseas correspondent?"

"Of course. Why?"

"Just that when Luke told me you were working the presidential campaign, it sounded exactly what you were supposed to be doing. I don't blame you for quitting or anything, but—it just seems like exactly the kind of gig you'd love."

"It was." Rory crossed her ankles, letting her legs dangle off the bridge. "Until it wasn't."

"Huh."

He wasn't pushing, but Rory felt the need to justify herself. "Things got… complicated." Which didn't explain any of it, really, but could anything? She looked down into the water.

"It's not a bad place to be, New York," Jess said. One of his feet was hanging off the bridge, like it was ready to fall from his body into the icy water at any second. "You picked good."

"How long are you going to be in Stars Hollow?" The bridge was rough on her hands, but she kept them firmly planted.

"Leavin' tomorrow. Luke wants me to come for Thanksgiving, though. I think I might."

"Oh."

"What about you? How long are you here this time?"

Rory hesitated. "Longer. My mom wants me to stay a while. I can submit my articles electronically, so it makes sense."

"But you don't want to." His tone was questioning.

"It's perfect timing. My mom needs help with the wedding preparations, and I haven't spent this much time in town since I left. Taylor wants me to help with the Harvest festival again, and of course my grandparents want to have Friday Night Dinners more often—"

"Why don't you wanna be here?" Jess asked. He sounded more curious than anything, but for some reason the question stung.

"I never said I didn't want to be here." Rory shifted her hands, but one of them caught on the wood. It surprised her for a moment; she didn't sit on rough bridges in New York. She'd forgotten what it was like.

"Didn't have to. Don't lie to me, Gilmore. I know what not wanting to be here looks like."

"I don't not want to be here," Rory said quietly.

"It's okay, I won't tell the town crier," Jess said. "Listen, it's nice that you want to help your mom, but you don't have to feel bad for wishing you were somewhere else."

Rory didn't say anything.

"I really didn't mean to upset you. Do you want me to go?"

"No, you can stay."

After a few minutes of silence, Jess pulled a book out of his back pocket and cracked it open.

"What are you reading?" Rory couldn't help but ask.

"Breakfast of Champions."

"Ah, the illustrious Vonnegut."

"Exactly."

"Well, you can't read it here, mister. If you're going to stick around, you have to keep me company." Rory tried to strike a light, joking tone, but something in Jess' face told her she'd failed.

"Well, I can't keep you company if you don't want to talk about anything," Jess said. "C'mon, Gilmore, you've been freezing me out since we first ran into each other. I don't know any more about your life than I did that day at Truncheon."

Rory's face grew hot. "Is there any reason you should?"

Jess looked down. "I don't know."

They were both silent for a while.

"I was dating a guy on the campaign," Rory finally said. There was no way to hide the shaking of her voice. "Another reporter."

"Oh?"

"We had kind of a—messy breakup. I wouldn't have left just because of that—or I don't think I would have—but then I got the job offer. It was easier." Rory looked down into the water. "My mom doesn't even know that was part of it. You happy?"

There was a pause, then, "Do you want to get a pizza? I'm starving."

Rory almost snapped at him for responding this way to such a big confession, but then she looked at his face and realized that this was an apology.

"Yeah," she said, standing. "Let's get a pizza.

"So, I hear you've been hanging out with Jess again," Lorelai said. She grabbed her pop tarts from the toaster, wincing when her hands made contact. "Ow! Hot." She dropped them on the table and sat down.

"Yeah, I guess. He's around."

"According to Babette, you've been seen together on multiple occasions. That sounds like more than just 'he's around.'"

"Babette should mind her own business," Rory muttered.

"Should I be worried? I mean, by the end of January you'll be sort-of cousins. I don't know how the state of Connecticut would feel about that sort of thing."

Rory grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and sat down across from her mother. "Well, since I have no plans of marrying Jess I don't think the state of Connecticut would have any opinion whatsoever on the matter. Hey, did you take the last pop-tart? I told you I wanted one."

"But there was only one left, and I'm getting married soon! Don't I deserve to pamper myself?"

"Three months of pampering? I don't think so."

"But Rory, you've forgotten who I'm marrying!" Lorelai said, grabbing Rory's arm in mock terror. "He's going to make me eat carrots, and he won't let me pick the lettuce off my burgers, and—"

"My mother, the drama queen of eastern Connecticut."

Lorelai looked at her expectantly.

"Fine, you can have it."

"You're my favorite daughter!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet you say that to all your daughters."

"Back to Jess. What's the scoop there?" Lorelai took a large bite of her pop-tart.

Rory struggled not to snap at her mother's gossipy tone. "No scoop. Just two old friends hanging out."

"Hanging out, or hanging out?" Lorelai asked, with exaggerated air quotes on the second one.

"Mom! Can you let it go, please? I told you, we're just friends."

Lorelai held up her hands. "I'm sorry! I'm just surprised that you're letting Jess back in your life after the way he hurt you."

"It was more than six years ago! And he's changed a lot since then."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, if you're sure he's okay."

"I am." Rory cast about for another topic. "Is Luke at the Diner already? I thought he was taking the morning off."

"Rory."

"What? Am I not allowed to ask about Luke now?"

"I want to talk about this. Look, it's fine that you're spending time with Jess. I just want you to be careful," Lorelai said gently. "I don't like to see you getting hurt, okay kid?"

"I'm not 18 anymore." Rory got up so abruptly that she almost knocked over her chair. She turned around and yanked the coffee pot out of the machine. It was empty. "You know, you could have saved some for me."

"Rory, I know you can take care of yourself, but do you remember what happened last time you got back together with an ex? It's much messier than you think it will be."

Rory set down the coffeepot and crossed her arms. "Care to tell me what you're alluding to?"

Lorelai held up her hands. "Hey, if you don't want to talk about Dean, we don't have to talk about Dean. I'm just saying, I just want you to be careful."

"Because I'm obviously going to get back together with any one of my exes that

comes within a ten foot radius. Like mother like daughter, right?" Rory spat back.

"Rory!"

"Well, it's true! And I'm sick of you reminding me of every stupid mistake I ever made. I messed up with Dean, okay?"

"Where is this coming from?" Lorelai asked. "Rory, what's going on with you?"

"And while we're talking about Dean, did it ever occur to you that maybe I never would have gotten back together with him if everyone in this stupid town hadn't insisted that we were so perfect together?" Rory crossed her arms even tighter so that Lorelai wouldn't see how badly she was shaking.

"Hey, I don't remember anyone telling you that he should cheat on his wife!" Lorelai snapped back.

"From day one, all anyone can talk to me about is how perfect of a boyfriend he is, how I'm so lucky to have him. Even when he was yelling at me and accusing me of cheating on him, it was always my fault, because of course Perfect Dean could do no wrong."

"Well, sweetie, you did cheat on him. Sookie's wedding?"

"He was a jerk before that, and you know it!" Rory gave up on holding back the tears. "Why was it always my fault? You should have told me, the first time he broke up with me. You should have told me that what he did wasn't okay. But oh no, instead I get a lecture about how I shouldn't be afraid of my feelings. Where was the other speech, the one about how just because someone loves you doesn't mean you have to love them back?"

"Oh, sweetie." Lorelai stood up and tried to put her arms around Rory, but was shaken off. "I didn't want you to be like me."

"So you pushed me to stay with a guy who would yell at me for talking to someone else? So you let me think it was okay for someone to dump me just because I wasn't ready to say I loved him? God, you were as bad as Grandma! I meet a guy you like, and suddenly you get a say in the relationship. I bet if it was Dean I was friends with again, you'd be thrilled!"

"Rory…"

"Don't 'Rory' me. I'll see you tomorrow for Friday Night Dinner. Be sure to invite dear old Dean, will you?" She stalked towards her room and started throwing things haphazardly into her duffel bag.

Lorelai watched from the doorway. "Are you seriously leaving?"

"Well, I don't see why I should stick around here if I'm just going to be lectured about things I didn't do! Besides, I have to pick up my mail." She tossed a few books in her bag for good measure, more out of a desire to hear the sound they made hitting the bag than any wish to read them. Most of her books were still at her apartment anyway.

"Fine." Lorelai crossed her arms. "I guess we'll see each other tomorrow, then."

Rory stopped packing to mirror her posture. "I guess so."

"Well, drive safe." Lorelai turned and walked up the stairs, depriving Rory of the satisfaction of being the one to storm off.

Once outside the house, she texted Shana. Staying in NY tonight. Can I use appt.?

She got a text back at once. No problemo staying w/ BF anyway.

That night, Rory couldn't sleep. Her bed felt claustrophobic, as though all the warm air in the apartment was conspiring to weigh heavily on her. She threw off her blankets, but despite the season, she couldn't cool herself down. Finally, she gave up and went to her desk, which was by far the nicest thing she owned.

Rory tried writing a few times, but the words wouldn't come out the way she wanted them to. She had to do something, so she clicked the New Yorker bookmark on her computer and started going through the archives, hoping for something to inspire her.

She was looking through 1940 when a Kenneth Fearing poem caught her eye:

Love 20 cents The First Quarter Mile

All right. I may have lied to you and about you, and made a

few pronouncements a bit too sweeping, perhaps, and

possibly forgotten to tag the bases here or there,

And damned your extravagance, and maligned your tastes,

and libeled your relatives, and slandered a few of your

friends, O. K. ,

Nevertheless, come back.

The poem went on, and Rory found herself more engaged in the words than she'd gotten since before Roger. It was the fourth stanza that made her realize what was happening.

Because tonight you are in my hair and eyes,

And every street light that our taxi passes shows me you

again, still you,

And because tonight all other nights are black, all other hours

are cold and far away, and now, this minute, the stars are

very near and bright.

There was one more stanza, but afterwards, Rory kept going back to that fourth one. Again, still you. Afterwards she sat in the dark for a very long time. Finally, she printed the poem, and put it in the folder that Roger had returned to her after making the book. As she did so, she thought that once, just once, it'd be nice if her mother could be wrong about something.