Team Fortress 2: The Jobs at Mann Co. Industry

Rocket Jumping for Maggots

A man, garbed in a red uniform, a cap with a small eagle symbol on top, a brown unkempt beard stuck on his face, and a zip coat with fur cuffs and collar, stood in front of a collection of men, Pyro, and a variety of cardboard cutouts.

The man cleared his throat. "Now, some of you maggots have been complaining about the lack of vehicles and easy transportation options in this war we have been fighting, saying that running around is, 'too hard' or 'time consuming'. All I can say to that is-"

He grabbed one of the cardboard cutouts by its wooden neck, splinters from the wood hardly fazing him.

"STOP BEING A LAZY, GOOD FOR NOTHING COMPLAINER. We have feet God has given to us to tread on, Teleporters by the ever dutiful Engies, pathways so very well made by the management, and YOU feel the need to complain?! Disgraceful! I should court marshall all of you right now!"

"Uh, Soldier?" A thin man raised a bandaged up hand.

"Yes?"

"I don't see anybody complanin' I certainly ain't, after all, I am the Scout here, I can just run ahead. You been drinking too much coffee?"

Soldier stopped sipping his mug of joe, and tossed it out a nearby window, where it crashed through the glass and probably injured someone due to the, "AAAHHHH!" that sounded shortly after.

"Yeah." Sniper said, sitting nearby. "What's the huge fuss about anyways? Someone convincing you we're layabouts? The BLU Spy's probably playing tricks on you again."

"Trust me." A dignified French accent cut in.

A man's head materialized out of thin air, a seemingly disembodied arm revealing a watch that seemed to be draining away.

"This is not a trick." The stealthy head spoke, vanishing once more.

The entire group just stared at the air, and resumed with the meeting, with grumbles.

"Should've locked the windows." Sniper mumbled.

"Attention!" Soldier shouted, causing the two other men, excluding Pyro, to cringe. "One of these lousy good for nothings over here…" He gestured once more to the cut outs. "...Doesn't know how real men travel! We didn't have airplanes, trucks, or the like, we only had guns, and we were proud of it!" Soldier reached for a large weapon on the ground, stacking it proudly next to him. "Rocket Launchers, man's best friend! Er, other than the magnificent killing machine that is the dog. With one of these babies, you could move faster than any of those pansy cars, and soar through the sky majestically, unlike those useless planes, like the damn proud eagles we are!"

I think a certain pair of popstar cousins wouldn't like you saying that…

The entire group looked at the ceiling oddly, where the unknown voice sounded from.

"Ah, let them cry about it delusion in our heads, this is war, feelings stay off MY battlefield!" Soldier exclaimed proudly.

"So uh, Soldier? What's the plan then?" Scout asked nervously, rubbing the back of his head.

"Heheheheheh… Privates, time to earn your wings! Grab your gear and let's shove off, to glory!" Soldier yelled, marching away, motioning for them to follow.

With groans, (and one muffled cheer of excitement) the three other classes followed Soldier outside, heads down low in silent prayer (one head cheerfully walking along).

The entire group sat on a large cliff overlooking a huge drop to the dusty land below. The cliff itself wasn't in great condition, multiple chunks of sediment and stone chipping off as they stood on it, falling down to the very bottom, barely audible echoes of the rock shattering following the collision despite the large height of the cliff face to the ground below.

"This is where we will practice flying, men. And Pyro. Ready your weapons for flight!"

Pyro held up a flare gun with black tape wrapped around it, Scout took out a shotgun that had two soda cans taped beneath, and Sniper had his Sniper Rifle, although he didn't look too happy.

"First things first, propulsion! Or as I like to call it, blowing up the ground! Pyro, you're up first, make me proud soldier!"

"Uh, Soldier, this looks like a terrible idea." Scout said, looking around. "I'll just head back home…"

Scout began to jog back, but was interrupted by a loud shotgun blast being fired just above his head.

"Are you crazy?!" Scout yelled, crouching low.

"We do not allow quitters on our team, maggot! Stand by and wait your turn, private!" Soldier yelled back, an annoyed Scout sitting back down on top of the cliff face. "Pyro, you're up, show these two how to fly!"

Pyro stood on a rather tall cliff, magnificent grassy cliff overlooking a cheerful looking valley, full of smiling faces and a bright sun. He smiled, waving at all of the rocks laughing as they dropped down from the cliff, happy to be alive.

"Pyro! Are you hearing me?!"

Pyro turned around to look at Soldier, a delusional yet hardly noticeable smile on Pyro's face. Soldier grunted.

"You know what to do, make me proud!" Soldier said, pointing away from the cliff face.

Pyro nodded, moving backwards from the top of the cliff. He readied his modified flare gun, and ran towards the cliff face, aimed the flare gun at the ground, jumped, and fired, the blast from the flare launching Pyro clear off the cliff. He soared beautifully, the wind affecting the sentient blob cosmetic on his head somewhat, for about five whole seconds, plummeting to the ground once those seconds were done, a muffled scream sounding throughout the entire valley, and stopped with a thud.

Sniper and Scout were staring mouths agape and eyes wide. Soldier on the other hand, smirked. "Good first effort! Sniper, you're up next!"

Soldier picked Sniper up by his collar's back, and threw him off the cliff. He flailed helplessly, and fell to the ground with another loud scream, silenced again with another thud. A muffled greeting sounded soon after.

"I'm outta here!" Scout attempted to run, but was ultimately tossed off the cliff, Soldier pushing him off. Luckily, he managed to activate his gun, the soda cans on the bottom shining a brilliant violet. Scout began jumping multiple times in the air, suspending him in midair. "Ha, nice try!"

Soldier grinned and gave him a salute, then the soda cans unluckily stopped shining.

"...Screw you Soldier." He said, and fell down, an annoyed silence following him.

Soldier stopped saluting and growled. "...If I had a spreadsheet, I'd stomp it into the ground on account of your FAILURES!" He yelled after them, pained groans answering back. "Now THIS is how you fly!"

He took out his Rocket Launcher, aiming at the ground, somehow jumped and crouched in midair, and blasted the ground, his feet alight as he jumped through the sky, pumping his fist in the air in victory. Alas, he followed the same fate as his teammates, falling to to the ground with a sickening crack, all four of them lying on the ground, losing consciousness. And blood, lots and lots of blood.

Soldier opened his eyes slowly. He tried to stand up, but laid back down once another bone was heard breaking.

"Ach, I just healed that bone! Well, as much as bones can be healed."

The uniform mercenary scanned his surroundings, the other three unsuccessful flyers sitting in beds, some limbs suspended using fracture apparatuses.

"Dummkopfs, probably some sort of war paranoia." A man garbed in what appeared to be a surplice with a gold medal on the chest area, a tricorn on his head, and a magnificent white beard was looking over a spreadsheet of sorts, with "F"s written in multiple boxes.

"Thanks Doc." Soldier coughed.

"Yes yes, but try not to kill yourself off the battlefield next time, our pay has been deducted again because of the medical expenses."

"Medic." Sniper weakly spoke up.

"Yes?"

"For the love of God, make sure Soldier never brings us on his 'training' exercises ever again. I swear, if I find the man who complained…"

"Ah, that would be me. Next time, protect me on the battlefield, it is time consuming to die and find anyone again, I am a busy man. Now if you will excuse me…"

A gurgling sound could be heard from another room.

"...I have forgotten to check on my other patient. Rest now, you will need it for tomorrow." Medic stated, busily rushing to the other room.

"Soldier." Scout started.

"Yes?"

"As soon as I get outta these bandages, I will smack you with a pan. I'll never come with you to anything ever again." Scout stated simply.

"Ha! Don't worry. After seeing your absolutely awful performance, I wouldn't dream of it!"

Sighs of relief came from the injured mercenaries. Suddenly, a voice rang out, "Mercenaries, robots have been spotted advancing on the decoy base, we need you to move out now!" All except Soldier groaned, Soldier grinning widely.

"You heard the lady, let's move!" Soldier hobbled outside on one unbandaged leg.

The other three looked at each other, then shook their heads, resting while Soldier went to blow up some robots somewhere.

"Rocket hopping simpleton." Sniper groaned, falling asleep.

AN: Be careful, as the old saying goes, "Look before you leap". Another good saying is, "Don't always trust Soldier". Apologies for the late update, anyone who happens to read this. This is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, thanks for reading!