Somebody asked me about the time jumps and why I'm going so fast, and the answer to that is that the bulk of this story happens at the end of Liv's pregnancy and after the twins are born. I'm skipping the beginning to get to the real part of the story. Consider the last two chapters the setup for what will happen. This chapter is the true beginning of the story, where Elliot and Olivia, Elliot especially, have to face the fact that life has its ups and downs. That life is not always ideal, and sometimes we have to pay for our own stupidity.
Chapter 3
ALMOST THREE MONTHS LATER:
Liv sat in the passenger seat of the car staring at the photo in her hands. She and Mark had just left yet another check up at the OBGYN, and been given another clean bill of health for her and the twins. They'd decided together that they didn't want to know the sex of the babies, but had asked for a copy of the ultrasound so they could frame it. They'd both gotten a copy and Olivia couldn't stop staring at hers.
She had just reached the end of her fifth month and in four days she would be hitting the six month mark, the beginning of her third trimester, and the designated "safety zone" in terms of miscarriage. The doctor had said all the tests had come back normal, and things were looking good. Due to her age and risk of birth defects she and Mark had requested to have all screening tests done, and thankfully the results had shown that the twins were fine with no sign of abnormality. They were growing at a normal rate, and their heartbeats were strong and healthy. Overall, things were going wonderfully, and Olivia couldn't be happier. Stroking a hand over her growing stomach she smiled at the picture, and thought, 'My babies. My children.'
Beside her Mark couldn't help but smile as well. He was every bit as excited about this birth as Olivia. He'd always wanted children, but since Cindy hadn't been able to have them he'd made peace with the fact he would never get to be a father, but now that was no longer the case. While he still loved Cindy, and missed her terribly, he was glad he had Olivia, and the children they had decided to raise together. He might lose her one day to another man, the man she truly loved, but he'd always have these children with her, and that was good enough for him. Reaching over for her hand while keeping his eyes on the road, he asked, "Unbelievable, huh?"
Looking at Mark next to her as they both rested their hands atop her growing belly, she replied, "Yeah … it's amazing."
"I know."
A comfortable silence passed between them before Mark said, "Are you going to tell him before Monday?"
Olivia didn't need to ask what Mark was talking about. Mark was wondering if she was going to call Elliot and speak to him in private before Monday came. Today was Friday, and Monday would be the first time she'd seen her partner in almost a month. This past week had been the Thanksgiving holiday, thankfully her doctor was from India and didn't celebrate such festivities, but this past week she had. For the first time ever she had taken vacation to celebrate. She'd invited Cragen, Munch, Fin and his son over since none of them had much family, and that was when they'd all seen just how pregnant she was.
She'd been very good at staying seated while in the squad room, and keeping her coat on to keep her stomach covered while coming in or leaving the building, so her colleagues had been shocked when they'd shown up at the brownstone on Thanksgiving and seen her stomach so full and round through the light red cashmere sweater she'd been wearing. Most women bloomed near the end of their fifth month, and she was no exception. Especially with twins. There had been questions of course, but mostly congratulations as she filled her co-workers in on how her life was changing … now the only one that still didn't know was Elliot.
Cragen had tried to help her reach her six month goal of being stress free by loaning Elliot out to work a case in Baltimore. NYC lead the nation in sex crime busts and convictions, and Baltimore PD had requested a seasoned detective to come in and lead their relatively new unit as it tried to take down a child pornography ring. Cragen had elected Elliot to go. Her partner had left almost a month ago and when he'd come back Olivia had already taken off for Thanksgiving vacation. So Monday would be the first time she'd seen him in nearly a month, and at almost six months pregnant, with twins no less, there was no hiding her condition. So now Mark was posing the question of whether she was going to call Elliot and arrange a private meeting before Monday, or if she was just going to hope for the best come next week. Honestly, she didn't know what to do.
She'd been so certain that hiding her pregnancy from Elliot for as long as possible was the best thing to do, but now that the time to come clean had arrived, she was worried about the fallout. She knew Elliot was going to be furious and jealous about her being pregnant with Mark's children, and he was going to feel betrayed that she'd kept it from him. She was worried that this would damage their partnership beyond repair, but she had honestly believed it was the best course of action.
'I couldn't tell him before. I know how he gets. I didn't need him trying to interfere any more than he does already. I know I made the right decision for me, I just don't know if I made the right decision for my partnership.'
Beside her, Mark could tell how deeply Olivia was conflicted by all this. Squeezing her hand gently, he offered, "I think you should call him. You need to ask him to come over, and you need to sit him down and tell him in person. He deserves to hear it from you, and not find out second hand at the precinct on Monday. He deserves not to have to walk in to the bullpen and see you pregnant. I don't think you should put him on the spot like that."
"He's going to be pissed, Mark."
"He is, but you knew he would when you made the decision to keep it a secret. I'm not saying it wasn't the right decision, because I agree that you needed to be as stress free as possible, but that doesn't mean your decision doesn't have consequences. You need to call him over and talk to him one on one. Tell him why you've decided to make the choices you have, and explain to him why you kept it a secret. After he calms down, if he's half the man and friend you say he is, he'll get over it. It might take him some time, but he'll be happy that you're finally getting what you want out of life. What you deserve."
Looking out the window to watch the city pass by, she whispered, "What if he tells me he doesn't want to be my partner anymore? What if he walks away? I … I don't think I could take it."
Mark wasn't upset by her words. He knew Olivia didn't love him like a wife should, just as he didn't love her like a husband should. He also knew it was doubtful they would ever get married, and that was fine with him. He was just glad that he had something in his life beyond memories now. He had a future as a father, regardless of whether he and Olivia ended up going their separate ways. He knew Olivia loved Elliot the way he had loved Cindy, and he didn't begrudge her that. Truthfully, he wished that Elliot would realize what he was giving up by allowing his Catholic guilt to eat at him and keep him in a marriage that wasn't working. Mark wanted Olivia to have the love of her life, but if she couldn't, he was happy to have her for himself. "If he walks away, if he refuses to stand by you despite the fact you've put up with so much from him, then he doesn't deserve you. From what I've heard, you have bent over backwards for Stabler, and now it's time for him to do the same. It's time for him to step up and be your partner … besides, I don't think either one of you could ever truly leave the other. You may never get to be together in the way you are supposed to be, but I think only death will be able to actually separate you two. He'll be jealous and mad about the pregnancy, but he won't leave you."
Olivia smiled at Mark's words. "I'm glad you're here, Mark. Really, I am."
"I'm glad I'm here too … so are you going to call him?"
She thought it over for a moment before nodding her head. "Yes. I think I'll call him tonight and ask him to come over to the apartment tomorrow. You're right, he deserves to hear it from me first. He deserves to be told in person on our own terms. Not at work Monday."
"Good idea… So what do you want for lunch?"
9 PM THAT NIGHT AT THE STABLER HOME:
"Kathy, could we not fight right now? Please?" Elliot asked as he rubbed his hand over his face and leaned against the kitchen counter while his wife stood in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest. Thankfully Eli was the only one home, and he was already in bed. All the other kids were out since it was Friday night and they all had to start school again on Monday.
"If not now, then when? Damn it, Elliot, you are never home! In the past month you were gone for three weeks! In the past six months you sleep maybe two nights out of the week here, and those are usually on weekends!"
"And I've been home all week and all you've done is scream at me! What's the point of coming home if all you're going to do is start a fight?"
"Because you won't listen to me!"
Gripping the counter on either side of him, Elliot stared at his wife, and forced his voice to be calm and steady. "What do you want to talk about?"
Lowering her own voice, Kathy pressed on, "I want to talk about us. I want to talk about our family. I want to talk about the changes we promised to make."
"When I agreed to come back home I promised to make it to three out of five of the family events. I go to all of Eli's preschool meetings, all of the twins school games and parent/teacher nights, I've only missed one of Kathleen's counseling sessions, and have gone to Hudson with you for lunch with Maureen on the weekends more times than I can count. What more to do you want from me? I work my ass off at work, and then run myself ragged to fit in all the meetings and events the kids have. What more can I do?"
Shaking her head, Kathy demanded, "What about me, Elliot? What about our time together? When was the last time we did something together as husband and wife? The only time I ever see you is when we have something to do with the kids. We haven't even had sex in over a year!"
Elliot couldn't argue with that. He hadn't had the desire to touch Kathy in a long time. Hell, the night he got her pregnant with Eli he hadn't really wanted her. It had been about comfort, and even then he'd had to close his eyes and picture Olivia to get himself off. 'How messed up is that?!' He couldn't even get aroused by Kathy anymore because just the sight of her reminded him of how much he wanted her to be someone else. How much he longed to see dark brown hair instead of blond. How he longed to see dark eyes shining back at him instead of blue. No, he couldn't make love to Kathy because everything about her was wrong. She wasn't Olivia. 'God, I am so messed up. I can't stand the sight of my wife, and my wife is the one keeping me from the woman I really want. How did things get like this?'
When Elliot didn't answer, Kathy asked softly, "Are you having an affair?"
"Damn it, Kathy! I told you I have never had, nor will ever have an affair!"
"Then why don't you want to have sex anymore? Why do you spend more nights in the crib at the precinct than our own bed?"
He wanted to tell her. He was so close to telling her that he couldn't sleep in this house anymore because it made him feel sick, it made his heart hurt. The walls felt like prison bars, and the air itself stifled him. He was on the verge of telling her that he wasn't in love with her anymore, had never truly been in love with her, and that he wanted to end this lie they were living. The words were on the tip of his tongue until his gaze landed on the gold cross pendant Kathy was wearing. The pendant she'd worn around her neck for nearly 25 years. She'd been wearing it around her neck that night in the back seat of his dad's car that had set him on this path, and she'd been wearing it the night she lifted the comforter off the bed over three years ago that had him stuck on this path. That cross was both salvation and suffering to him, and the words he longed to speak to the wife he didn't love died in his throat. Instead he simply shook his head, and whispered, "Kathy, let's just not fight anymore. Ok?"
Kathy looked at the defeated expression on her husband's face. Truthfully she knew why Elliot didn't like coming home. She knew he didn't love her, that he felt trapped with her, and to herself she was willing to admit she didn't love him the way she should either, but he was all she'd had. She'd had a grand total of five dates during the two years they were separated, and when she'd found out she was pregnant she'd been terrified. She didn't want to end up alone with a young child. She knew that things would never be perfect with Elliot, but she'd hoped they could be comfortable. When she'd decided to invite him back home, she'd told herself that she could hold out for retirement and then things could be better between them, because deep down she knew what the true obstacle was in her life; Olivia Benson.
Kathy was well aware that her husband was head over heels in love with Olivia Benson, and she knew his partner felt the same. Some small part of her felt bad for coming between them when they were obviously made for each other, but the larger part of her couldn't stand the thought of them being together. She knew if she left Elliot again he would run straight to his partner and never look back. He'd go to Olivia and she would be left alone. They'd have each other and she'd have no one. She had honestly expected them to get together during the separation, and had been surprised when they hadn't. She didn't know what had kept Elliot from seeking out a romantic relationship with Olivia then, but she knew if she asked for another separation from him now he would waste absolutely no time rectifying that mistake. The fact that her husband whispered Olivia's name while asleep at night (the few nights he did sleep here), assured her of that.
She couldn't bear the thought of them together while she had no one. As a 44, 45 in two months, old woman she knew her prospects of finding love again were slim to none. She knew it was wrong, but she was holding onto Elliot simply because he was all she had. Sometimes she wanted to ask Elliot if he wanted to leave, but she was too afraid he'd jump at the chance. What they had wasn't good, but it was better than nothing. Finally she said, "I just want things to be better between us, Elliot. I want you to talk to me about things."
Elliot shook his head sadly, and replied, "That's not what we have, Kathy. Truthfully, we never had that."
"What does that mean?"
"Kathy, we were young when we got married, and as we grew up we grew into entirely different people. I can't talk to you about my problems because you couldn't even begin to understand them."
"Then make me understand! Explain them to me!"
"Kathy, that's a problem in itself! I don't want to have to give details, or explain them! When I need to talk about something from work that is bothering me I need to talk to someone that just knows! I need someone that doesn't need the details to understand."
"Olivia … you're talking about Olivia. You want her. That's what you're trying to say, isn't it?"
Elliot fell silent. Kathy was right. He wanted Olivia, needed her. They used to be able to talk out a bad case with nothing more than a long lingering look. His gaze would convey how hard he was hit by a little girl being molested, how it reminded him of his daughters, and Olivia's gaze would reflect that she understood, her gaze would remind him that his daughters were home and safe. With a look they could make the other's hurt go away. With so few words they could talk about and get over the worst cases. Hell, just the presence of the other could keep the shadows back for them. Well they could until he went home and cut Olivia out of his life. Now he found himself drowning while Olivia reached for someone else. Reached for Mark.
Elliot needed his connection with Olivia to keep him grounded. She was his anchor, and these past eight months since Mark had come into her life and she was truly moving away from him had shown him that fact clearly … but he couldn't tell Kathy that. Running a hand over his head he finally said, "Kathy, I will never be able to talk to you about work. I just can't. That's not something that is going to happen between us. If you want to talk it needs to be about the house, or the kids, or about Christmas. We can talk about birthday parties, school clothes, and things like that. Never about my problems or about my work, ok?"
"Elliot, I want more between us than the kids and this house! I want some type of personal connection! I'm your wife!"
"Kathy, the kids and this house is all we've ever had between us … you know that."
She jerked back as though he'd struck her. Her eyes widened with both shock and pain. Elliot had never come right out and admitted that they'd never been in love before, that he'd only married her because it was the Christian thing to do, but the meaning behind his words now was clear. He'd basically told her the only thing keeping him with her were their children. She'd known that of course, but it still hurt her to hear him say it so bluntly. "Elliot … I—how can you—"
RING RING RING!
Never taking his gaze from Kathy's, Elliot reached to pick the phone off the wall and asked, "Hello?...Liv, hey, did we catch a case?...Tomorrow? Yeah, I can meet you … no that's fine. I'll see you then … Ok. Yeah. Bye."
When Elliot hung up the phone, Kathy demanded, "Why are you meeting her?"
Elliot crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged. "Don't know. She just told me to meet her at her apartment. Said there was something she needed to talk to me about." Elliot did his best to contain his excitement, knowing if Kathy saw it things would only get worse right now, but it was hard for him to do. He hadn't seen Olivia in almost a month and he felt like a man dying of thirst and she was a cool glass of water. He had been beyond disappointed when he'd returned last week from Baltimore and found she'd already taken off for Thanksgiving vacation. He'd desperately wanted to see her, and every day this past week he'd fought down the desire to drive over to her apartment and do just that.
Kathy's eyes narrowed. "So you will talk to her, but not me?"
"I'm talking to you right now. Just because there are some things I won't discuss with you, doesn't mean I won't talk to you. I told you the day I joined SVU fifteen years ago that I would never speak to you about my cases. You said you were ok with that. I haven't changed my decision, and I'm sorry you have, but my work, the problems and issues that come with it, are not up for discussion, Kathy."
She hated what he was saying to her right now. He was basically telling her that there were parts of himself he freely gave to Olivia, but not her. It made her skin crawl to know that Olivia had any part of Elliot that she didn't. Kathy knew, however, that continuing to press the issue would do no good. Instead she asked, "You're going to her apartment? Tomorrow? On a Saturday? And you won't tell me why?"
"Can't tell you, Kathy. Liv just said she needed to see me about something important and asked me to meet her at her apartment tomorrow at 11am. So I'm going."
"What if I say I have a problem with you going to see her tomorrow?"
"Then I'll say I don't care, and am going anyway. Liv said she needs to see me. She's my partner, and I'm going."
They stared off. Long moments passed in silence before Kathy finally hissed, "Just as long as you remember who your wife is!"
When Kathy spun around and began storming off, Elliot replied, "I'm well aware that you're my wife, Kathy, well aware." She paused for a moment before continuing on to go upstairs. When she was gone, Elliot thought, 'I wonder what Olivia needs to see me about? God I hope she tells me things aren't working out between her and Mark and she needs me to help her move his shit out. Please, God, let it be that.'
THE NEXT MORNING:
Olivia looked around the apartment she no longer lived in. It was still in her name, but she hadn't actually slept in the place for over a month. She and Mark had decided to buy all new furniture for the brownstone so her furniture was still here, but that was going to change soon. She was putting the apartment up for rent next week and shipping everything she and Mark hadn't already moved to the new house into storage. The only reason she was even here today was because she hadn't wanted to speak to Elliot at her new home. She felt it would be too much of a blow.
Glancing at the clock she saw it was about 10 minutes until eleven and she knew Elliot would be here soon. Her stomach was in knots about the upcoming confrontation. She knew Elliot was going to be beyond pissed about what she'd done, and she knew that this could very well be the worst fight they'd ever had, that this moment could actually signal the end of her decade long partnership with Elliot Stabler. In a nutshell she was terrified. 'Please don't let him walk out on me. Please, if there is a God, don't let him walk away from me for good. I need him.'
Outside of the building Elliot got out of his jeep, locked the doors, and headed for the door of Olivia's apartment complex. He'd slept on the couch last night, even though Kathy hadn't asked him to, and had been unable to think of anything other than what Olivia wanted to speak to him about. His mind had been rolling the question over in his mind all night, and he'd barely gotten any sleep. He had been itching to go this morning, and had actually been tempted to call Liv and see if she wanted to have breakfast and talk then, but had been able to refrain. As much as he needed Olivia, needed to see her again after going nearly a month without being next to her every day, he couldn't let her know how much he depended on her presence in his life. He wasn't free to say those words to her, and it wouldn't be fair to either of them to voice aloud what was between them until the ring on his finger keeping them from being together was finally off. For good.
He lucked out and someone was leaving just as he got to the door so he didn't have to wait for Liv to buzz him up. He decided to take the stairs since he wanted to lose a few pounds. He wouldn't admit it, but Mark's physical fitness made him want to look even better in comparison. Making his way up the stairs, taking them two at a time, he found himself at Liv's door and knocking. His heart was actually racing in his chest, and not from his near jog up five flights either. He was so eager to see Olivia he felt like a boy on his first date.
On the other side of the door Olivia's head jerked up from where she was sitting on the couch. She hadn't buzzed Elliot in, but she couldn't think of anyone else it could be either. "Elliot?" she called out.
"Yeah, Liv. Some guy was leaving and let me in. You going to open the door?"
Pushing herself up off the couch, with great difficulty, Olivia made her way to the door and put her hand on it. Feeling her heart racing she said, "Yeah, but first I need you to promise me something?"
On the other side of the door, Elliot felt confusion. "Promise what?"
"I need you to promise that once I open the door you'll hear me out. You aren't going to take one look at me and freak out. I need you to promise that you'll stay and talk to me, hear what I have to say. Can you promise that, Elliot?"
Now Elliot felt fury threatening to overtake him. Clenching his fists he ordered, "Liv, open the door and let me see you." The only thought that came to mind was that something had happened to her. His first guess was that Mark had hit her, and he swore if that was the case he'd kill the bastard.
"Elliot, promise me."
"Did Mark hit you? I swear to God if he hit you I'll kill him."
On her side of the wooden barrier, Olivia released a sigh and replied, "No, Elliot, it's nothing like that … Mark would never … it's—well it's actually a good thing, it may not be to you right away, but once you calm down and let me explain you should be happy for me … I just need you to promise me that once I open the door you aren't going to explode. I need you to promise me you aren't going to storm off. I need you to promise me you'll stay here and talk to me, that you'll hear me out."
Now Elliot was really curios, and perhaps a little anxious. If Olivia wasn't hurt he couldn't think of why she would be so hesitant to open the door. Anticipation killing him, he agreed, "As long as you're not hurt, I'm not going to freak out. Open the door and tell me why you called me over."
"I need you to promise me, Elliot. I need you to promise that you won't go off on me, and that you won't walk away without letting me explain."
"Liv, just open the—"
"Promise, Elliot."
"Fine, I promise."
Olivia took a deep breath, undid the chain, turned the lock, and pulled the door open. Dark eyes met blue as she offered him a tentative smile. "Hey, El."
Elliot was about to reply when his gaze was drawn down to Olivia's swollen stomach. His eyes widened as his mouth fell open in shock. He literally felt his heart skip a beat as his mind and body went numb. 'She's … she's pregnant! How the hell can she be this pregnant and me not know? Why didn't she tell me!'
Seeing the shock and quickly rising anger on Elliot's face, Olivia whispered, "Please let me explain, El, please."
Looking up to meet Liv's worried gaze with his own furious one, Elliot hissed, "What the fuck, Liv!"
Stepping back and motioning Elliot inside Olivia said, "Please come in. I need to talk to you."
El hovered in the doorway for a moment before striding into the apartment. The only reason he hadn't punched a hole in the wall and stormed off was because he'd sworn to stay. Liv had been smart to weasel that promise out of him before opening the door, because he was honestly so furious he didn't think it was smart they talked. He wanted to get the hell to a gym or locker room and beat something until his knuckles were raw and bloody. He needed to pound something in an effort to relieve the sudden and vicious pressure in his head and chest at seeing Olivia, his Liv, his partner, his everything, pregnant … with a baby that wasn't his.
He was too angry to notice how only the bare furniture remained. He was too upset to notice that there was a slight layer of dust about the room, and that all the knickknacks and pictures that had littered Liv's home before were gone. When he heard the door shut behind him he whirled to face Olivia and demanded, "How the hell could you not tell me about this?! How the hell did you manage to hide it for this long?!"
"Can we sit down? Standing for long periods hurts my back."
Elliot's gaze flicked to Olivia's stomach again and his heart lurched at her words. He couldn't believe this was happening. He couldn't believe he was standing here in Liv's apartment seeing her heavy with child. The whole thing was surreal. He backed up to sit down on the couch and watched Liv slowly lower herself into the chair opposite him. He looked on as his partner settled her hands on her swollen stomach and pressed, "Explain. Now."
Rubbing her belly, Olivia began, "First of all, I'm not as far along as you probably think. I'm only just reached the six month mark. Well I'll hit six months on Tuesday."
Looking pointedly at her stomach, Elliot countered, "You sure as hell don't look six months. You look eight, at least."
"I'm having twins. This last month I've really started showing."
Silence.
Elliot's voice was strained as he repeated, "Twins?"
"Yes."
More silence.
They sat together. Elliot was too shocked and furious to speak, and Olivia was afraid to say anything until he gave her some sign it was ok to continue. The moments ticked by before Elliot finally asked, "They're Mark's?"
"Yeah."
"You marrying him?"
"We haven't decided that. We just want to get used to being parents first. We decided we'd bring the topic up again when the twins have their first birthday. We'll see how things are going then."
Looking into Olivia's eyes, his own filled with anger, betrayal, and hurt, Elliot pressed, "This is why you've been on desk duty, isn't it?"
Nodding her head, Olivia replied, "Yes. I told Cragen that day in his office."
"And why the hell didn't you tell me, Liv?! I had a right to know!"
Her own anger beginning to rise, Olivia countered, "First, I didn't want anyone to know in case I miscarried. Due to my age and the fact this is my first pregnancy the risks were high. I wanted to make it through my second trimester before telling anyone in case something went wrong. I didn't want anyone looking at me with pity if things didn't work out. Secondly, you do have a right to know and that's why I'm telling you now, but just because you're my partner doesn't mean I had to tell you before I was ready to. I told Cragen so soon because he had to know."
"How can you say I didn't have a right to know before now? Damnit, Liv! You had no right to keep this from me! This is just like Kurt Moss, only worse! How the hell could you not tell me you were pregnant with another man's child!"
"How dare you, Elliot! Do you hear yourself? Another man's child? You have no right to say that to me! You made your choices, Elliot, and now I've made mine! You chose to go back to Kathy, and I chose to be with Mark!"
Dead silence.
Both of their eyes were filled with hurt, pain, betrayal, and a number of other emotions. Both held fire in their gaze, and neither was willing to back down. For his part Elliot was fighting for control. He had imagined Olivia pregnant a number of times, but it was never like this. His heart never felt like it was shattering in his chest as his world spun out of control around him. In all his daydreams about Olivia being pregnant, she had never been carrying another man's child. It had always been his baby inside her, and watching that dream die before him now was killing him.
Clenching his fists as he struggled for control, Elliot bit out, "How could you hide this from me? How could you do this to me?"
"Elliot, I explained why I kept the pregnancy a secret for so long, as for doing something to you? Elliot, this pregnancy isn't about you. It's about me. I want children. You know that. I'm finally having them. You're supposed to be happy for me."
"Happy for you!"
"Yes! Happy for me! You know how much I wanted children, and now I'm finally having them! Instead of congratulating me, instead of offering some friendship or support, you're attacking me! Why can't you be happy for me?"
Face red with anger and betrayal, Elliot hissed, "You know damn good and well why I'm mad! You know you were wrong to keep this from me! That's why you didn't want to open the door!"
"I didn't want to open the door because I knew you'd overreact!"
"This isn't overreacting, Liv! This is me being pissed that my partner lied to me for months!"
Shaking her head, Olivia argued, "That's not what you're mad about and you know it!"
His anger rising, Elliot snarled, "Then tell me, Olivia, tell me why I'm mad? You're the expert on being right all the time, so of course you know my own mind better than me! So tell me why I should be mad when I just found out my partner and best friend has been lying to me for months!"
"You're mad because they're not yours!"
"Damn right I am!"
A stunned silence followed both their outbursts. They were sitting across from each other, each one's gaze hard and unyielding, as the truth lay bare between them. Both of their chests heaved with barely suppressed emotion. For the first time the reality of what was between them had been vocalized, and both were unsure how to proceed. The oppressive quiet continued for a moment before Liv took a deep breath and whispered, "What was I supposed to do, El?"
He knew what she was asking. Despite the strife between them, despite the distance they seemed to find themselves at, he could still understand how her mind worked the same way she could his. It's one of the reasons they were so effective as partners. No matter what was wrong between them, when it came down to it they understood one another. He knew she'd taken up with Mark like she had because she thought the chance of them being anything more than partners was dead and buried. She believed that because he'd made her believe it. His reluctance to keep Olivia part of his personal life had resulted in her not knowing how close to the end he was with Kathy, and because of that she had moved on. 'She wanted kids. I knew that. I went back to Kathy and she found a way to have a family on her own. I just … I never thought … God I've fucked it all up!'
Olivia knew the second Elliot's anger left him and was replaced with despair. She saw it in the way his shoulder's sagged and his eyes filled with longing for the increasingly impossible. She didn't doubt for a second that his anger would return, that it would be just beneath the surface for months to come, but now, right here, he was on the same page as her. Finally, after months of distance, they were in sync again. They were both beyond their anger at this moment and had only the pain of their unrealized love.
Setting her hand on her stomach, Liv continued softly, "I didn't do this to hurt you, Elliot. You know that. I … I haven't been doing good for a long time. I've said I was fine, but we both knew it was crap. All I've had for so long were the victims, and the wins seem to be fewer and fewer for our side. I was drowning. I did this for me, El. I did this so I'd have something beyond the job. I needed something good to come home to. I did this so I wouldn't be alone anymore."
"You have me, Liv. Am I not enough for you that you had to get knocked up by a man you don't love?"
Liv forced herself not to rise to his bait and simply replied, "I don't have you, El, Kathy does."
Kathy.
It always seemed to come down to Kathy. Kathy and the responsibility he felt towards her. Elliot ran a hand over his face, feeling his age and exhaustion keenly. "Liv, I …." He buried his head into his hands and muttered, "I don't know what to do. Seeing you … and knowing … I wish … fuck! How did things get like this?!"
Olivia struggled to her feet and moved to sit next to him on the couch. She wanted to reach out to him, to touch him in some small way to show that she was still here, that she hadn't actually left him, but she couldn't. She knew he felt like he was losing her because she'd felt the same way when he'd told her that Kathy was pregnant over three years ago. She knew he was feeling utter despair and hopelessness threatening to consume him, she'd experienced the same emotions when he'd told her he was going home. She knew how badly his heart was hurting, and she needed to make him see that it would get better. She and Elliot would never have what they both truly wanted, but they could still have each other. It would have to be enough. "El, look at me."
He raised broken eyes to look into the fathomless pits of her dark gaze. His heart beat painfully in his chest. Counting out each second of his life. Each and every long second of his existence where Olivia was not his. Not his to have, to hold, or to love. He never thought he'd despise the sound of his own heart beating, but he did. "Liv, I …."
She heard his voice crack. She saw the sheen of tears in his eyes, and her own heart hurt for him. She had known her actions would hurt him, but she'd had no choice. If she wanted to have any happiness in her life she couldn't stand around waiting for a dream that would never happen. Elliot had hurt her by going back to Kathy, and as childish as it sounded, she'd earned the right to cause him pain in order to find some happiness for herself, but that didn't mean she didn't desperately want to soothe his pain now. "El, I'm still here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. We're still Benson and Stabler, and we're going to be Benson and Stabler until we retire together. Then we'll be Benson and Stabler, best friends until the end. We're still a team."
Elliot listened to her words as the heat of her body seeped into his skin from her close proximity. They were so rarely this close, and the few times they were usually happened because of life threatening situations. He found it morbidly humorous that he practically lived side by side with the woman he loved, and yet he could count on both hands the number of times he'd actually touched her. It was pathetic in his opinion. Pathetic and unfair.
Deciding he had nothing to lose he reached out and took hold of Olivia's hand. "It won't be the same, Liv. You know that. You're leaving me."
Olivia had forced herself not to jump when he reached out to her. The warmth of his calloused hand enfolding her own had her stomach flopping. "You left me first, El."
Neither one looked at the other. They were both facing the bare wall in front of them, sitting side by side on the couch and holding hands, but neither one could will themselves to look into the other's eyes. "Is that what this is," Elliot asked. "Are you doing this to get back at me for going home?"
She was too tired to fight. Too tired and too hurt by everything that had happened between them over the past few years of their partnership to get angry with the accusation of his words. "No, El, that's not why I did this, and you know it. I know you're hurt, and I know you're angry, but right now I want you to talk to me about this. I don't want to fight. I did this because I was tired of being alone. I was tired of having no one and nothing besides my job. I was tired of coming home to an apartment that felt like a prison, and the only company I had was my own mind. I … I couldn't do it anymore. I'm doing this so I can be happy."
"Are you in love with him?"
"I love him in my own way."
"Is that fair to him? Is it fair to be in a relationship with him if you don't love him like you should?"
"Is it fair to Kathy?"
Elliot flinched and whispered, "It's different, Liv. She and I … we're … it's just different."
Olivia shrugged and replied, "Not so different. Mark knows I'm not in love with him. Just like he's not in love with me the way he should be. We'll never love each other like a man and wife should, but we do love each other. What we have isn't perfect, but it's better than the nothing we both had before."
"What if he meets someone else?"
Olivia let out a small, sad laugh and said, "He already did. He was married before we got together. Her name was Cindy and she was the love of his life, but she died. I'm not worried about that."
"Liv, I just … I never … I don't—"
"I love you, Elliot."
She couldn't believe she'd actually said it! She expected the world to come to a staggering halt. She expected to see pigs flying and comets tearing through the sky, and turned to look out the window for a brief second to see if the world really had gone to hell the second she admitted she loved Elliot Stabler. 'Huh … all these years of worrying, and not even a damn car alarm goes off when I finally say it?' Shaking her head at her own foolish thoughts, Olivia focused back on Elliot who had whipped his head around to look at her so fast she was sure he'd have whip lash. His eyes widened in shock and fear, and suddenly she felt like a weight was lifted from her shoulders. Seeing his stunned expression she was suddenly done with sidestepping, done with silence, done with denying. She was tired of keeping everything in for fear of letting it out and being hurt. They were both past the point of no return, and it was time for real, honest, spoken truth between them.
Lacing her fingers with his she continued, "I love you, Elliot Stabler, and I know you love me. Everyone knows we're in love, and everyone is always going to know that. It's in our eyes when we look at each other. It's in the way our bodies move when we're together. It's in the way we can get so far from each other, and yet still be so close. It's in how we leave one another, and then find our way back. We're soul mates, Elliot."
He couldn't believe she was saying this. Her words were true, of course, but they had never spoken them allowed. As if by some deep rooted understanding they had both never once brought to light the nature of their connection, and hearing his partner lay it all out there now was rocking his world. He honestly didn't know what to say or do. As if the situation between them hadn't been complicated and emotional enough, he felt like Olivia had just dropped another bomb on him. His heart was racing and he knew whatever happened next would irrevocably change them both. "Liv, I …."
She shrugged when his words trailed off. "I'm tired of playing this game between us, El. You know what is between us, and so do I. Hell, everyone knows. Why do we keep denying it? What's the point?"
"I'm married," Elliot offered weakly.
Another shrug. "And I'm pregnant with Mark's kids. Neither of those facts change what is between us." Looking deep into his blue eyes with her own dark pools, Liv continued, "I love you with all my heart. When I'm not with you I don't feel complete. It's like there's not enough air. I'm jittery because you're my other half and I can't be me, truly be me, without you close. When I'm not with you I can't think straight, and I'm always wondering where you are, what you're doing, who you're with, and if you're safe. I hate you going out into the field with Munch, Fin or Wallace. I hate not having your back. I get excited about seeing you every day, being near you."
His response was breathless, his heart racing at the declarations coming from her lips. "Liv …."
"Tell me it's not the same with you."
He squeezed her hand and whispered, "I'd be lying if I did."
"Then say it. Say it, El. Let me hear the words."
"I love you." The words rushed out of his mouth. He hurried to get them out for fear if he didn't the moment they were sharing, the moment when all the unspoken emotions and truths between them seemed to be ok to finally bring to light, would pass him. He couldn't let that happen, and as soon as the words left his lips he felt the same unburdening that Olivia had. He felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. Literally. He felt like a free, new man, and it was wonderful! A smile gracing his features, he repeated more firmly, "I'm in love with you, Olivia Benson."
She returned his smile with one of her own. "I love you too, El."
"So what now?"
Taking a deep breath, keeping her voice as strong as possible, Liv replied, "Now we learn to live with it. For years we've been living around the elephant in the room. Now we live through it. We've both finally admitted that we love each other, and now we find a way to move past it together."
The elation and freedom he'd experienced for all of ten seconds disappeared and a cold, hard knot formed in his stomach in its place. Elliot's body tensed as he asked, "You … you want to just get over it and move on?"
Stroking his skin with her thumb where their hands were linked, Olivia said, "No, El. That's not what I'm saying. You and I will never get over what is between us, because the love we have for each other is eternal. It survived Gitano, computer crimes, Oregon, Beck, Kathy getting pregnant, Lauren Cooper, Sealview, and so much more. Our love has survived all the hurt we've caused each other, all the harsh words, and stony silences. What is between us is forever. You and I both know that. What I'm saying is that we have to find a way to be ok in spite of it."
Enveloping his hand with both of hers, she continued, "For so many years we've kept silent. Never saying the things we should have said. We've brooded, and argued, and lashed out at each other. We've hurt each other in an effort to deny what is between us. We've pushed each other away so many times, but in the end none of it mattered. We always found our way back to one another. That's what we do."
"I don't understand what you're trying to say."
"I'm saying I'm tired of that. I'm tired of hurting each other. I'm tired of running from the truth. I'm tired of pretending, evading, and denying. There has been this constant battle and tension between us for years. After Gitano things shifted between us."
Nodding his head, Elliot answered, "Yeah, they did."
"We both denied what that was, but Gitano was the first time either of us had to face the fact that we were far more than partners. Deep down we'd always known, but Gitano made us face that truth for the first time. You responded by pushing me away, and I responded by running. Ever since then we've been dancing around what is really between us. That dance has caused us both a lot of misery that we inflict on each other. You lashed out at me because you didn't have me, and was afraid I didn't love you like you loved me. I lashed out at you because I did and do love you in the same way, and now I can't have you. We both want what we can't have, we both love each other but can't be together, we both hurt over that fact, and take it out on one another. What I'm saying now is it's time to stop doing that."
"Just stop?"
"Yes. It's time for us to move on." Moving to cup his cheek, Liv whispered, "I love you, you love me, and we'll always be in love … but we'll never be together beyond partners and friends."
A strangled, wounded noise escaped him, and Elliot felt all the air rush from his lungs. He watched tears fill Olivia's eyes as his own misted over. His voice was harsh, filled with agony, as he rasped out, "Liv …."
As silent tears slipped down her cheeks, Olivia forced herself to continue. "We'll never have a home together, El. We'll never have children together. We'll never have Christmas mornings together. We'll never wake in bed and reach for each other in the night. We'll never have tender kisses, soft touches, or any of the intimacy we both long for. That's not our future."
A sob escaped him and he began to cry as freely as Liv was. "Oh God … stop, Liv. Please, please stop."
"No. We have to do this. If we're going to survive this, if we're going to make it through this, we have to do this now." Olivia refused to back down. She knew they had to get it all out in the open. Every thought, every fear, every desire had to be voiced now. This moment was all they had. Her tears flowed as freely as his, and together they cried for the future they wouldn't have as she pressed on. "We have to make things right between us now or they'll never be ok. I can't lose you, El. I just can't. I may not be able to have you in the way I want, but I'll be damned if I lose you completely. So we're going to do this."
There was silence for a moment before Elliot took a deep, steadying breath, and then nodded his head for her to continue despite his still falling tears. Stroking her thumb over his cheek where she cupped his face, Olivia thought how sad it was that this was the closest she'd ever be to him. This was the only time they'd ever speak aloud the feelings and bonds they shared. It broke her heart. "What we both want from each other, what we crave, is never going to happen. I know that truth kills you as much as it does me, but it's the truth nonetheless. We're partners and best friends … and it's going to have to be enough."
Covering her hand on his cheek with his own, he begged, "What if it's not enough? What if I can't … Oh God, Liv, I don't know if I can do this! I don't know if I can be ok seeing you every day and knowing you're going home to a man that's not me. It's been killing me since Mark got here, and I don't know if I can keep doing it."
"You can and you will. I've been doing it for years. I know it hurts right now, El. I know it feels like your heart is shattering in your chest, but it won't always be like that. It takes time, but it does get easier."
"Liv, I—"
"It's the only way, El." Her voice broke and she took a moment to compose herself. Drawing her hand from his cheek she wiped furiously at the tears flowing down her cheeks. When she was ready she continued, "If we can't make this work, if we can't find a way to be ok, then we're going to lose each other. I wish I could have more of you, Elliot, but I can't. All I can have with you is friendship and our partnership. So I'm going to fight for those. I need you to fight for it too. We both know how we feel, we've admitted it, so now it's time to learn to live with it."
"I don't love Kathy, Liv. I don't want to be married to her."
"I know."
Elliot was stunned. "You know?"
"Of course I do," Liv offered with a small smile. "I know you better than you know yourself, just as you know me better than I know myself. We can lie to ourselves all we want, but in the end both of us can see through the other's bullshit. I knew that day at the courthouse when you told me Kathy was pregnant and you were going home that you didn't love her and didn't want to go home. I knew then it was your sense of duty and Catholic guilt that had you going back."
"Why the hell didn't you say something?! Why didn't you tell me it was a mistake?!"
"Would you have listened?" Retaking his hand so she could trace patterns on it with her fingers, Liv continued, "No, you wouldn't have. You would have lashed out at me even more than you did. You might have even left. You weren't ready to face the truth on your own, and hearing it from me wouldn't have helped the situation. I knew then you weren't in love with Kathy and that you didn't really want to go home, but you did go home. You made the choice and decision to make things work with your wife of over twenty years, and for better or worse, it is the decision you have to live with. Just like I have to live with my decision to move on with Mark."
"Liv, I don't want to live with these decisions. I want to make new ones."
"You won't." Shaking her head sadly, Olivia argued, "You'll never walk out on Kathy, Elliot. You might want to, you might even think about it, but you'll never actually be the one to step away from her. You don't have it in you. Duty, honor, responsibility, and worse, your Catholic faith, won't allow you to. Unless she calls it quits you'll be with her until the day you die, and she's not going to call it quits again."
"She might. Things aren't great with us, Olivia. Not by a long shot. Kathy and I are closer to divorce than you think. All we do is fight. The past year has been horrible, and the ones before that weren't great. You're talking like there is no hope for us, and that's not true. Kathy and I are all but over." Looking down at Liv's stomach, Elliot swallowed thickly, set his hand atop her swollen belly, and whispered, "They're not mine, but they are yours, and anything that is yours I want too. There's still hope for us."
Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. Olivia knew why Kathy was holding so tight to Elliot. She knew the other woman feared being alone in her mid 40's, and she knew it was that very fear that would prevent Kathy from walking away from Elliot a second time. Kathy might not be happy with her husband, but she was afraid to be without him. Liv understood the sentiment completely. She took his hand from her stomach and held it in hers. "No, El, there's not."
"Liv, there's always hope. Kathy will probably—"
"I moved in with Mark last month. We bought a house in Greenwich Village. I'm putting the apartment up for rent on Monday."
Another stabbing pain in his chest. Looking around Elliot finally noticed how bare the apartment was. He took in the dust, the lack of knickknacks, and he realized Olivia hadn't lived her for a long time. He knew that above all Olivia valued her space. She valued privacy. She'd been alone for so long, had only herself to depend on, that he knew the significance her not only living with Mark, but moving into a new home with him meant. The fact she had changed her life to fit into one with Mark was so significant it had him trembling slightly. It was another nail in their coffin. "You moved in with him. He's not living here with you."
"I moved in with him."
"Christ."
As Elliot's head dropped and he leaned forward to take great gasping breaths, Olivia moved to rub his back with her free hand since she was still holding his. "It's going to be ok, El. I promise. It's all going to be ok."
He focused on the sound of her voice. He ignored her words, and instead focused solely on the seductive, husky sound of the voice that had haunted him for over a decade. The voice he heard gasping and pleading for his touch in his dreams. The voice he longed to hear sigh his name in pleasure, but probably never would. 'She moved in with him. Fuck! She moved in with him! She didn't just let him stay with her, she actually picked up and moved to be with him. She … she really is moving on. Oh God it hurts. It hurts so much.'
"It gets better, El. Easier. I promise. You just need some time. It was like this for me at first too, but it gets better. With time the pain isn't as sharp."
Looking up to meet her eyes, he asked, "But it never goes away, does it?"
Shaking her head sadly, Olivia affirmed, "No. It never really goes away. It just becomes bearable."
He stared into her eyes for long moments. He saw her love for him in her gaze. He saw her pain and sadness that they would never be together as they both longed to be. He saw her worry for him, her hope that they would be ok in spite of all of this. He saw so much in her eyes, and it hurt him. It hurt him to know that this woman would never be his. It hurt him to know that they'd finally admitted the forbidden, finally spoken the truth of their love, and yet could do nothing about it. Olivia was right, he'd never walk away from Kathy and his responsibility to her and his family. He couldn't do it. He was too much of a coward. His and Liv's chance at being together died the night he'd been a fool and taken comfort in the familiar instead of working up the courage to go to the woman he'd truly wanted. "This isn't going to be easy," he finally said.
"No, it's not, but it can be done. We can get past this. We just have to try, and when the rough patches happen we have to remember this moment. We have to remember that something is better than nothing. We can't have each other in all ways, but we can have each other in the ways that matter. We have love. We have trust. We have friendship. We have history. We have our partnership. We have our fight to make the world a better place. We have more bonds than most people, and that will have to be enough."
He reached out and stroked the back of his knuckles along her cheek. "I'll always want more from you, Liv. I want all you are, and all you have to give. That will never change."
"I want the same from you, but neither of us will get what we want in regard to that. Our hearts belong to each other. My heart beats for you, and your heart beats for me. Our bodies? Those belong to other people. Your body belongs to Kathy, and it is hers to touch. Not mine. Just as my body is Mark's."
He hated those words. He hated having to face the fact that while he and Liv loved each other unconditionally, they would never get to consummate that love. The thought of Mark's hands on Olivia, of anyone's hands on her, Oh God it hurt! Taking a deep breath, he asked, "Does he know?"
"He knows we love each other, and he knows nothing will ever come of it. Mark and I have talked about this many times, and he knows how close you and I are. He's not upset about it, and he's not going to try and come between our friendship, partnership, or connection. I promise." She let him have a moment so that could sink in before whispering, "This is our life, El, and we have to find a way to make it work."
"What if I can't?"
"You will. I'll help you, and you'll help me. We're in this together."
They both lapsed into silence. There was an eerie calm. The tense atmosphere at the beginning of their conversation had fallen away and been replaced with desolation. Sadness and hopelessness filled them both, rolled around inside them, before an aching acceptance was finally reached. Neither spoke a word. Neither moved or shifted. They simply sat together in silence and came to accept the tragic position they found themselves in. They were soul mates, so deeply and madly in love they couldn't live without the other in their life … and yet they would never be together. There, in the cold, nearly empty apartment that Olivia Benson no longer called home, they sat side by side and accepted that all they could ever be was partners and friends.
Elliot was the first to speak after over a half hour of silence. "What are you having?"
"We want to be surprised. We just know that they are both healthy and growing normally."
"That's good."
Another silence.
"I'm having a baby shower next month. I … I want you to be there. Mark and I mailed the invitations yesterday so you'll be getting something in the mail soon."
Elliot closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn't say no. Not only had Liv asked him, but he owed her. She'd come to Eli's, and she'd certainly done her fair share in making sure Eli's life was as good as possible. She was Eli's godmother, and had been to all of his birthday parties. He knew it killed her to see the child she had hoped to be hers, to see him with the woman he'd chosen to return to, but she'd always come. Always supported him. He had to do the same for her. "I'll be there."
Offering a small smile, Liv said, "Thanks. It really means a lot to me for you to be there."
"That's why I'm going."
They lapsed into silence again and Elliot reached out to retake Olivia's hand in his own. They were still sitting side by side on the couch simply staring at the wall. The air around them was still and heavy, trapping them in the moment that had forever changed them both, and neither was sure how to proceed. Elliot wanted the world to go away. He wanted to stay here in this apartment with Olivia forever. He wanted to keep her with him so no one else could ever have her or take her from him in any way. He wanted to take her in his arms and promise her the world, promise her the home and family she'd always wanted, he wanted to have all of her for himself and in return give her all he was. None of that could or would happen. As Olivia had said he'd made his choices and those choices had landed him in a home that felt like a prison, with a wife he didn't love and increasingly resented, and without the woman he truly wanted. So, instead of taking what his heart cried out for he sat beside Olivia on the couch, holding her hand, and hoping that she let him have this small consolation for as long as possible. It was all he'd ever have of her, of them.
Beside him, Olivia sat just as quietly. She could see the roller coaster of emotions flickering across her partner's face, and her heart ached for him. She could see how hurt he was, how despair was tugging at him, and she felt responsible. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, but unfortunately the only way she could find any happiness for herself was by doing so. She didn't regret doing what she'd done, but that didn't mean she didn't hurt for Elliot now. So she let him hold her hand while the quiet of the room pressed in on her. She let him take the lead. She'd give him all the time he needed to be able to face the world again. She knew he wasn't ready to stand up and begin trying to live with all the truths they'd finally admitted today. Truthfully, she wasn't sure if she was ready to accept that battle yet either.
Nearly another hour passed before Elliot finally turned to face Olivia. His eyes searched hers desperately for a moment, as though looking for something, before he finally choked out, "Promise me that no matter what you'll always be here. Promise me that you won't leave again. No running off to Oregon, no globetrotting with Mark if he wants to travel. Promise me that you'll always be here. That you'll always be a phone call or trip over the bridge away. Promise me I'll have that from you at least."
Fresh tears filled Olivia's eyes as she whispered, "I promise. Promise me you'll try and see past your anger from time to time and remember to be my friend when I need one."
"I promise." Tightening his hand around hers, Elliot continued, "Promise me you'll forgive me when I'm a jackass and say things I don't mean just because I'm mad."
"I promise. Promise me you won't avoid me, that you won't try and cut me out of your life while we're trying to make this work."
Elliot nodded his head and answered, "I promise … Promise me there will be no more secrets between us. I don't like not knowing things about you."
"I'll promise if you do."
"Fair enough." Elliot looked uncomfortable for a moment and said, "Mark can't come to the precinct anymore."
Olivia looked shocked as she asked, "What? Why?"
Stroking his thumb along Liv's palm where he was holding her hand, Elliot responded, "I go home to Kathy, and you go home to Mark, but when we're at work we belong to each other. At work your time is mine, and vice versa. I don't like seeing him come into our space. I don't like being reminded that you have a life with him. I'm asking you not to have him come to the precinct anymore."
"He's a part of my life, Elliot. You can't just pretend he doesn't exist forever."
"Maybe not forever, but for now at least. I need some time to come to terms with … everything. I need you to give it to me. I have to accept the fact outside of work you're with him, so while we're at work I don't want to be reminded of it."
"Elliot, I—"
"I won't let Kathy come either." Holding Liv's gaze, Elliot continued, "At work we belong to each other. Not them. Please, Liv, please let me have this."
Olivia thought about it for a few minutes before finally nodding her head and agreeing. "Ok. I'll talk to Mark and he'll stop coming by. At work it will only be us."
"Good." Elliot looked down at Liv's stomach and asked, "When are you going to go on maternity leave?"
Rubbing her stomach with the free hand Elliot wasn't holding, Liv answered, "The department gives five months maternity leave. I'm hoping to work desk duty right up until my due date and then spend the first five months home with the baby before coming back to work."
"Are you sure working that long is a good idea?"
"The doctor said as long as all my blood work and test come back fine, that as long as my body and the babies aren't showing signs of stress I can work right up until I'm ready to deliver. I go in every week for tests and so far things look great. So that's the plan for now."
"What happens after you come back to work? Who will take care of them?"
"Well first, I'm going to cut back on the hours I work like I have been doing. I plan to be home a lot more. Second, Mark has quite a bit of money saved up from his time as a photojournalist, so with the part time job at Hudson he will be able to be a stay at home dad. He only has to go into work on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the rest of the time he'll be home. We're going to get a part time nanny to help on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and the rest of the time Mark and I will work together."
Hesitating for a moment, Elliot asked, "What if things don't work out between you two? Have you thought about that?"
"We already have a custody agreement in place. It's very clear, and iron clad. I'm not worried about that."
Elliot grinned. "You always were ahead of the game."
Olivia returned his smile and replied, "I play to win, El, you know that."
"Yeah, I know." Elliot let out a small humorless laugh, and added, "I just wish I could win sometime."
"El, you have won. You have to stop focusing on only the losses. Trust me, I've done that and it is no way to live. I'm sorry things are like this too, and I wish they could be different, but they aren't. I'm learning to look at the things I do have, instead of the things I don't. You need to do the same. You have a wife, children, and a home to go to every night. You have more than most people."
"I don't have you."
Letting out a sigh, Olivia argued, "You do have me, just like I have you. We just don't have each other in the way we want, but we have to get over that. We have our friendship and our partnership. It has to be enough."
Elliot let out a weary sigh. He squeezed Olivia's hand one last time before letting go and getting up. He held out his hand for his partner and helped her to her feet. When she was standing up in front of him he leaned forward so his forehead was resting against hers, his lips brushing against her own as he spoke, "It will never be enough, Liv, never, but it's better than nothing."
Olivia's heart was racing in her chest at Elliot's close proximity. The feel of his body so close to hers was nearly overwhelming, and she fought down her need to reach out to him. "Yeah," she whispered breathlessly. "Something is better than nothing."