Serena was having a restless night. She did feel better that she was in Bernie's arms but sleep evaded her as questions, problems and situations played out in her head over and over. At one point she turned over and she heard a murmur of pain from Bernie.
Bernie was having a restless night. She was happy that Serena was here, she would hate to think how Serena would be if she were having this sleepless night alone. Serena was tucked into the crook of Bernie's left side. The side that was bruised and giving her some pain since she had shoved that fire door open a couple of days ago. Bernie was unable to sleep as ever she got comfortable and the pain subsided, Serena moved. Serena did not know that Bernie was in pain, or that she was awake; until Serena moved and a pain shot through Bernie causing her to let out a subconscious murmur of pain. She was rumbled.
"Bernie, are you OK?" Serena whispered.
"Yeah, the old shoulder is giving me a bit of jip. Nothing to worry about."
Serena sat up slightly and undid Bernie's pyjama top. Bernie was in quite a lot of pain and once Serena opened her top she would see the bruising. She took a deep breath. No point hiding it now.
Serena saw the bruising and lifted Bernie a little to see it was worse on the back, "Bernie, what's this? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me settle here when it hurts every time I toss and turn?" Serena sounded put out, hurt. Serena had tears in her eyes. She didn't like that Bernie was hurt and didn't tell her.
Bernie shook her head, holding back the tears from the pain, and the emotion. "I'm a bit bruised from when I shoved the fire door on the roof."
Serena looked down. At the time Bernie had not realised that Serena was actually sitting in a deck chair, drinking and smoking and listening to music. She had assumed far worse. She had assumed Serena was literally on the edge and acted on instinct.
"Why didn't you tell me; have you been checked out?"
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry. I just couldn't wait for security to get to the door. I needed to know you were OK. I am a doctor, I checked myself out. No lasting damage."
"Sit up, let me see properly please." Serena had switched into doctor mode as she stood and did several movement tests and pressed certain areas to see the damage. "I don't know what makes you think that you can examine an injury like this yourself Bernie." She pressed a certain part and Bernie hissed in pain. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"S'OK." Bernie said through gritted teeth.
"Wait here." Serena got up and left the room. Bernie couldn't help but think how cute she looked in borrowed pyjama's even when she was miffed with Bernie for hiding her injury.
Serena came back with some ibuprofen gel. "Scoot forward."
Bernie, now sitting up shifted forward and Serena sat behind her as she started to massage the gel into Bernie's skin. "Why the hell did you let me lie on you like this, knowing how restless I am?" Serena's tone was kind, despite the hint of seriousness.
"That's the side you sleep on." Bernie shrugged. It was a rubbish excuse but had she asked her to swap sides she would have been rumbled.
Serena placed a kiss on Bernie's back as she continued her treatment, "You are a daft arse."
"Yep. Not in dispute."
Serena finished up and ran her hands down Bernie's sides. "Done. Feeling any better?" She shrugged on Bernie's top, leaving it undone and ran her hands around Bernie's front.
"Yes, much better thanks." Bernie said as she leaned back on to Serena's front. "So now we have figured out why I am having a sleepless night; can I ask you what troubles you darling?"
Serena sighed as she fumbled with Bernie's hands which were now resting on top of hers, "I'm just all at sea over what to do for the best. I have any number of things running around in my head."
Bernie knew that this would be the case. She had spent her whole time in Kiev in a similar position; only she had done nothing about it, in fact she had made a conscious effort to avoid addressing her thoughts, as they all turned to Serena. "So, I know we were going to discuss this tomorrow, she looked at the time, it was 4.03am; well later, but as we are both awake would you like to discuss it now?" She turned and looked at Serena, "It might stop it all running about in your head."
Serena nodded.
Bernie leaned to the bedside table and picked up her laptop and opened it up onto a word document, splitting the page into two.
"What are you doing?" Serena asked as she hooked her chin over Bernie's shoulders.
"Well you are going to tell me what is troubling you," She points to the left side; "And then we are going to find a solution," she points to the right side. "Simple."
Now Bernie had her hands poised over the keyboard and Serena stroked Bernie's stomach wondering where to start, hoping to glean some clarity from bodily contact with Bernie.
"Ok, I really don't know where to start."
Bernie sighed, she knew the issue. Serena was trying to rank these issues in order of importance and although Bernie knew she ranked quite highly; she knew that Jason would be Serena's first concern. They were more like mother and son than auntie and nephew. Also Bernie was able to process all of this and try to reason all of this, Jason just did not have that in him. Bernie tried to help Serena out. "Right, don't try to put these things in order, just tell them to me as they come into your head, OK? For each one we put on paper, you can shelve it in your head. Also," Bernie turned to Serena and placed a chaste kiss to Serena's lips; much like the one they had on the roof the other night, "Forget it is me writing the list. I'm speaking to you as a friend now. I just want to help."
Pressure alleviated Serena started with the list. "I'm worried about leaving Jason here. I know he is living with Alan now, but I don't want him thinking I have abandoned him. What if something happens to Alan again? What happens if something happens to Jason and I am over there?" As she continued to talk her voice became more panicked and Bernie typed the worries as bullet points. She also fired up I tunes to put on Groucutt and Haynes, she needed to calm Serena down and music usually worked.
"Right so if we meet with Jason, or you can do it alone; you can explain why you need to go away for a bit. Explain that Hanssen has found you a job which means you still work for the hospital. I think Jason will go for it if he knows it was Hanssen's idea. They seem to connect on a certain level." All the while she was typing these solutions in the right hand column. "I think if you maintain regular contact with Jason; skype, phone, texts, emails; he will be fine. Also if you explain that you can come back to visit and I can bring him to visit you; Jason will not be a problem. Even he knows you are not the Auntie Serena he knows and he will appreciate you need time apart. He was the one who went to Alan's darling."
Serena nodded.
"As for Alan," Bernie continued, she was on a roll. They both knew that this was best for Serena, even if it hurt; she wanted it to work. "As soon as it is a decent time why don't you call him and explain the situation. As far as I know Jason's current care package with Alan does not have an end date. It is not respite darling. Alan has taken Jason back and become his full time carer as a job. I sure he will be fine with 6 months steady work." Bernie typed in that Alan would be fine and they would call him later. "If anything happens to him; which is unlikely, alternative care will be in place. At worst you could come back."
"Thank you Bernie, this is helping; are you sure you don't need sleep."
"Darling, I would much rather do this with you. Sleep can wait. Maybe we might get a few hours together if we can sort this out." Bernie carried on typing, "If, God forbid, anything happened to Jason. I am here and there are regular flights from Prague on every airline going. You can't let the fear of the unpredictable and unknown stop you from doing anything Serena."
They both sat for a moment remembering Ellie and how her death had been unexpected; that's what made it harder. One day she was there, the next she wasn't.
They tripped through several other worries on Serena's list in her mind.
The car- Stick it in the garage, maybe get Jason insured so he can learn to drive.
The house- Bernie would keep an eye on it. As all of Serena's living expenses were covered in Prague keeping the house running was no issue. Serena suggested Bernie may want to move in, just to help with insurance cover and it not being unoccupied, but somehow they both decided it was not right. They compromised and Bernie agreed to go to the house regularly and stop over with Jason occasionally as it had been agreed that Bernie would not stop seeing Jason whilst Serena was away.
Other more practical problems to do with actually going, for every problem thrown into the mix Bernie had a solution.
The list was virtually exhausted and at 2-3 pages long so it should be. But one major; 'Major'; topic had not come up yet. Bernie figured Serena was leaving this until last. Given that Bernie may, or may not hold the solution to this one.
Bernie had finished typing the last solution, "So anything else?" She posed to Serena.
Serena paused, she closed the lid on Bernie's laptop and put it on the side. She was breathing deeply. Bernie turned her body so that she was sitting cross legged in front of Serena, her top still open, looking directly at her. "Can we survive this Bernie?"
"We can." Bernie said with upmost conviction. "I love you, and I hope that you feel the same." She took a breath, "This means we can get through anything. I can take anything you want to throw at me." She gave a grin and winked. She ran her hands down Serena's arms. "I know you worry this will be like when I fucked off to the Ukraine but this is quite different."
Tears were running down Serena's face, Bernie brushed them away with the pad of her thumb. "I was at fault last time. I was rubbish, but you know I have changed. I said you were the excuse for leaving; but we know it was me. I regretted it and was too scared to admit it."
Bernie was holding her tears, she had to say what she needed to say. It would be heart breaking to let Serena go for six months but the last four months had been treacherous to say the least. That could not continue, they both knew this. "I wasn't lying last night when I said we are stronger now. I am stronger. Strong enough for us both if needs be. OK?"
Serena was full on crying and no about of wiping away cleared her tears. "I think we both need sleep. You will see clarity in the morning, well later this morning once we have slept OK."
Serena kissed Bernie and whispered, "Thank you." As she got out of bed to go to the bathroom. Whist she was gone Bernie opened the laptop and added 'Will we survive?' to the list of problems, in the right side she wrote, 'We are stronger this time.' She saved the document and closed the laptop as Serena came back to the bed and came over to the right side so that she could cuddle up to Bernie without causing her any pain. They both fell asleep pretty quickly safe in the knowledge that they had each other.