I had meant to post this ages ago, but my computer decided to be a jerk and wouldn't let me for some reason. *glaresatcomputer* Anyway...
Acknowledgements for this idea goes to lamekirby and her fanfic: the diary journal of Ulquiorra Cifer. (go check it out!) Thanks for the great idea!
Also a huge thanks to my new beta reader, Miku Alli, who also has some funny fics (go check them out!)
And here by invitation/force-kidnapping is Iggy! (FYI, Iggy is a blind pyromaniac from the series "Maximum Ride" by James Patterson)
Iggy: Yo.
Me: Would you like to do the disclaiming?
Iggy: *shrugs* Sure, it's not like I got anything better to do.
Me: *sob* But I let you play with matches!
Iggy: You know Max is going to kill you when she sees you.
Me: Yeah, yeah, I'll just shove a plateful of chocolate chip cookies in her face while I make my escape. Now disclaim so I'm not visited by creepy men in suits holding briefcases!
Iggy: *sighs* Embee does not own Bleach, as she is obviously not a guy named Tite Kubo. She does not own Uchiha Sasuke or me, either. She does not own Dora the Explorer. Ai belongs to lamekirby. But she does own THE AWESOME CUPCAKES OF CHAOS. Hey, can I take some back with me?
Me: NO WAY, I do not want to give another reason for Max to kill me.
Iggy: Darn…
Aizen Sousuke was admiring himself in his bathroom mirror. Again. And when I say admiring himself, I mean his mullet. It was rather creepy.
"I think I shall go sit on my throne and drink spiked tea," Aizen said to himself, "And then I shall order Ulquiorra around."
And so, Aizen walked out of his bathroom and into the throne room. Then he noticed something was wrong. There was a tall pedestal sitting several feet in front of his throne. And on it was a cupcake. The cupcake's icing was sculpted to look like a…
Mullet.
Immediately Aizen knew he had to have that cupcake. The mullet-cupcake was so awesome looking that it rivalled his own mullet. And that cannot happen. Only Aizen can have an awesome mullet.
'I must tell Ulquiorra to go assassinate Billy Ray Cyrus', Aizen thought as he marched up to the cupcake, 'I cannot allow him to copy my mullet.'
The cupcake was delicious. Aizen wondered if Ulquiorra made it. Ever since Aizen made Ulquiorra keep a journal and the fraccion named Ai, Ulquiorra had picked up some rather…odd habits.
'Now for my tea', Aizen thought, and walked over to his throne to sit down and order some spiked tea. He had a special button on the arm of his throne just for doing that. Aizen was wondering if Ulquiorra would be the one to make him tea when his eyes fell upon the most beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, pretty, wonderful, amazing pair of glasses.
Yes, glasses. The very same pair that he wore in Seireitei and removed when he left.
Wanna know how I was watching? Well, I couldn't simply hide in the room, it was hard enough sneaking in unseen. And I was reluctant to use fanfiction writing powers to hide myself, because of all the strange fluctuations that had been happening lately (JB appearing out of nowhere, Teletubbies falling from the sky…). So I bribed/blackmailed/threatened Szayel to give me control of his stalker CCTV camera system (he even has cameras set up in everyone's bedrooms and bathrooms, seriously, this guy has no life). I had hopped over to Los Noches after my map starting bleeping at me.
Just in case you're wondering, no, I had not forgotten about Orihime's predicament. I was in the process of finding a way to get her back (something that involved a pound of bacon, one very traumatised chinchilla, and a mess of electrical wires that once detonated could probably blow Russia off the map), and had to leave Iggy (who I had borrowed/kidnapped) to finish it. I'm still wondering if leaving the blind pyromaniac with a very deadly bomb was the best idea…
"OMG YOU ARE THE MOST HOT PAIR OF GLASSES I HAVE EVER SEEN," Aizen screamed, and proceeded to make out with the glasses.
"Is Aizen-sama kissing a pair of glasses?" Szayel asked, looking very annoyed. He doesn't like it when other people can bribe/blackmail/threaten him.
"Yes, yes he is," I replied. That certainly wasn't on the recipe label. How in the world can someone fall in love with an inanimate object?
"I'm recording this," Szayel said with an evil glint in his eye. I dreaded to think about what horrible weapon I had just given him. Oh well.
And then Ulquiorra walked in, holding a tray of spiked tea. I guess Aizen had accidentily pressed his tea button while, um, kissing his glasses.
I really wish I had some eye bleach.
"…"
Well, it looks like we have someone even more emo than either Chad or Sasuke!
Chad: (who was hiding behind Chappy's Sell-o-Rama stand – don't ask what that is) *emosneeze*
Sasuke: (who is still wearing pink and acting not-emo, a.k.a. Sakura 2.0) HAKOLUZZELS
"…Aizen-sama, what are you doing?" Ulquiorra asked.
("An interesting reaction," Szayel muttered and wrote something down on a piece of paper.)
"WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?"
"…kissing a pair of glasses…." Ulquiorra answered.
"YES. NOW GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME AND GLASSELLA ALONE!" Aizen yelled, "BUT LEAVE THE TEA BEHIND!"
Ulquiorra was quick to place the tea on the pedestal and make his exit.
Glassella? These cupcakes were starting to have some odd side-effects.
Suddenly Aizen stood up from his throne, ignoring his spiked tea, and skipped out of the room. Yes, skipped. And it sounded like he was singing something from Dora the Explorer… I quickly switched camera views to track him.
Aizen was skipping down the long halls of Los Noches, singing about his glasses. The song went something like this…
"I've got a pair, of totally awesome glaaaasses!
They're so cool and hoooooot,
And they're all miiiiiiine!"
And then disaster struck. Nnoitra the Spoonhead with giant Spoon for a Weapon stuck out his leg and tripped the Lord of Los Noches. Aizen fell to the ground, and 'Glassella' flew from his hands…and landed right under Yammy's foot…who crushed them.
There was a long, unnerving silence. Spoonhead was having a hard time biting back (or should I say spooning back? Gedditt? /ishitwithabrick) his laughter and Yammy was staring at his foot with a look of confusion on his face. Poor dear, he probably didn't know what he just did.
"You…" Aizen snarled, and picked himself off the floor, "You…MURDERED GLASSELLA!"
"Sorry?" Yammy said stupidly, wondering what on earth a 'gassella' was, and if it was edible. Yammy was hungry.
"YOU WILL DIE A MOST HORRIBLE DEATH…AGAIN…AND THEN I WILL BRING YOU BACK TO…DEATH…WITH THE SPECIAL OBJECT THAT BEGINS WITH AN 'H' AND THE AUTHOR CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO LOOK UP THE PROPER SPELLING TO KILL YOU AGAIN…AGAIN…"
Oi…the author is not happy about being slighted like that…even if it is true…
Suddenly the cameras fizzled out. Szayel cursed at me, giving me a much wider vocabulary of swears, and started pounding on the keys. I decided that it was probably time to make my escape (and go check to make sure Iggy hadn't blown Russia off the map) before Aizen totally destroyed Los Noches in his grief-powered rage. Plus, my map was bleeping at me again, so it was the perfect excuse.
"See ya', Szayel, got a cupcake to find," I said and disappeared before the insane pink-haired Espada could stop me.
Tousen Kaname looked around the empty throne room. He was supposed to be having a meeting with Aizen-sama right about now, but Tousen couldn't feel Aizen's spiritual pressure anywhere in the room. There was an odd fluctuation of reiatsu that felt sort of like Aizen's, but there was no way that Aizen-sama would be losing control like that. Tousen sometimes wondered if there was anything that could make Aizen change expression.
"It is not justifiably correct if Aizen-sama is late," Tousen said, his nose twitching as he detected the faint aroma of something other than spiked tea.
"I smell something justifiably sweet," Tousen declared, and marched over to the pedestal. He reached out a hand, and took a bite of the remaining cupcake.
"Hmmm, if justice had a taste, then this would be it. I wonder if Ulquiorra made this, I must order him to make it more often."
And with that, Tousen left the throne room, feeling nothing other than a justified sense of annoyance at Aizen's lateness.
Well, that certainly was interesting to write. Who would have thought that Aizen would become infatuated with his glasses? I'm certain that Spoonhead...
Spoonhead: *appears* I'm not 'Spoonhead'! Oi, why does my name say 'Spoonhead'? I'm gonna kill you for this!
Me: Ah, shaddup and fall in a plot hole why don't you.
Spoonhead: *fallsinplothole* Noooooooo!
R&R please! And give me ideas for humorous pairings, even crack pairings like this! I have fifteen AWESOME CUPCAKES OF CHAOS I need to go through, and I only have so many ideas! (Man, why in the world did I make fifteen cupcakes?)