"How do you do, Coach Genghis?" Violet said, with much more kindness than expected. Klaus paused for a moment. Is she hypnotized? he thought. He ruled out this possibility when he saw her eyes were no wider than usual, and remembered her tone was not a dazed one. Although he didn't know what she was thinking, he trusted her completely and followed suit.
"How, do you do, Coach Genghis?" he said.
"Gefidio!" Sunny shrieked, following suit as well.
"It's a pleasure to meet you," Coach Genghis said, and smirked. The Baudelaires could tell he thought he had fully fooled them and was very pleased with himself.
"What do you think, Coach Genghis?" Vice Principal Nero asked. "Do any of these orphans have the legs you're looking for?" Coach Genghis scratched his turban and looked down at the Baudelaires with a hungry expression.
"Oh yes," he said in a wheezy voice Klaus still heard in his nightmares. With his bony hands, he pointed first at Violet, then at Klaus, and lastly at Sunny. "These three children here are just what I'm looking for, all right. I have no use for these twins, however." Isadora and Duncan both flinched at the word "twins".
"Neither do I," Nero said cheerfully. He then looked at his watch. "Well, it's time for my concert. Follow me to the auditorium, all of you, unless you are in the mood to buy me a bag of candy."
Everyone followed Nero out of the shack, not wanting to buy such a terrible man something so delightful as candy.
"This evening," Nero said, "I will be playing a violin sonata I wrote myself. It only lasts about a half hour, but I will play it twelve times in a row."
"Oh, good," Coach Genghis said. "If I may say so, Vice Principal Nero, I am an enormous fan of your music. Your concerts were one of the main reasons I wanted to work here at Prufrock Prep."
"Well, it's good to hear that," Nero said. "It's difficult to find people who appreciate me as the genius I am."
"I know the feeling," Coach Genghis said. "I'm the finest gym teacher the world has ever seen, and yet there hasn't even been one parade in my honor."
"Shocking," Nero said, shaking his head.
The Baudelaires and the Quagmires, who were walking behind the adults, looked at one another in disgust at the conversation they were overhearing, but they didn't dare speak to one another. They sat at their usual seats in the back. Even though he was quite shaken from the previous events, Duncan tugged on Klaus's sleeve and gestured to the back exit. Klaus didn't question him this time and followed Duncan outside. When they were safely sitting on the grass, Duncan decided to break the tension.
"Our new gym teacher looks creepy," he said. "Did you see that sneaky look in his eye?"
"That sneaky look is because he's not really Coach Genghis. He's not really any coach. He's Count Olaf in disguise. I wonder if Violet knows. I'm sure she does, but in the shack it didn't seem like she did."
"Count Olaf?" Duncan said. "How awful! How did he follow you here?"
"He follows us everywhere," Klaus explained, glumly. "But it doesn't matter how he found us. The point is that he's here and that he undoubtedly has a scheme to snatch our fortune."
"If you told Vice Principal Nero that he was really Count Olaf, then Nero could throw the cakesniffer out of here, if you'll pardon my language."
"Olaf's too clever for that. If I tried to tell Nero that he wasn't really a gym teacher, he would manage to wiggle out of it. Plus, if Olaf thinks that he's fooled us, it might give us some more time to figure out exactly what he's up to. Maybe we can see if any of his assistants are around."
"Count Olaf has assistants?" Duncan asked. "That's not fair. He's bad enough without people helping him."
"His assistants are as bad as he is," Klaus said. "There are two powder-faced women who forced us to be in his play. There's a hook-handed man who helped Olaf murder our Uncle Monty, and the bald man who bossed us around at the lumbermill. Also, the assistant that looks like neither a man nor a woman."
Duncan took out his notebook and a pencil and said, "Okay, list them for me again?"
"Why?" Klaus asked.
"Why?" Duncan repeated. "Because Isadora and I are going to help you, that's why! You don't think we'd just sit here while you tried to escape from Olaf's clutches, would you?"
"But Count Olaf is very dangerous," Klaus said. "If you try and help us, you'll be risking your lives."
"Never mind about that," Duncan said. "What we need is a plan. Now, we need to prove to Nero that Coach Genghis is really Count Olaf. How can we do that?"
"Nero has that computer," Klaus said thoughtfully. "He showed us a little picture of Olaf on the monitor. He told us that the advanced computer system would keep Olaf away. So much for computers."
"If we go and see Nero first thing tomorrow morning," Duncan said, "we can talk to him alone, without Olaf butting in. We'll ask him to use the computer. Nero might not believe us, but the computer should be able to convince him to at least investigate Coach Genghis."
"But if we talk to Nero," Klaus said, "then Coach Genghis will know that we're suspicious."
"That's why we'll have to be extra careful. We want Nero to find out about Olaf, without Olaf finding out about us. Isadora can do some investigating herself. Perhaps we can spot one of these assistants you've described."
"That would be very useful," Klaus said, "if you're sure about wanting to help us."
"Say no more about it," Duncan said and patted Klaus's hand.
"You don't realize what you'll be getting int-"
At that moment Duncan raised a finger up to Klaus's lips and said, "Let's go to the library."
"Aren't the doors locked?" Klaus said slowly, surprised and slightly admired by Duncan's sudden urge to read. Before Nero's concerts every evening, the staff locks the doors to every building except the auditorium and shack; the shack did not have a lock.
"I think I know another entrance," said Duncan.
Since most of the staff seemed to be watching Nero's performance, the boys didn't have to be worried about being seen walking down the sidewalk. Duncan stopped at a metal circle in the ground that was what seemed to be the way to the sewers. He crouched down and started to lift the metal plate off the sidewalk. Once the path was uncovered, Duncan gestured for Klaus to go in.
"Duncan, as much as I love treading through other people's waste," he said.
"It's not the sewers," Duncan explained impatiently. "It's the way to the library." Klaus just gave him a look that questioned Duncan's sanity. "Just trust me? I'll go first." Duncan sat down, put his legs in the hole, then dropped into the dark abyss.
"Duncan?" Klaus called out, worried about the safety of his friend.
"It's okay. Come down!" Ducan's voice replied.
From what Klaus could tell, he sounded alright. So he sat down as Duncan had, and put his legs through the opening, but hesitated.
"That's right, now hop on down!" Duncan called from below. Klaus felt like holding his breath, but decided not to. He was lost in darkness for about two seconds before he felt the ground touch his feet. A small light filled the tiny tunnel-like passageway when Duncan turned on a flashlight.
"Hold this for a moment," he said, handing Klaus the flashlight. He moved a large wooden stool to where it was directly in front of the hole in which they came in from. Then, he climbed up on the stool so that his head barely poked out of the entrance. He placed the metal place to where it had been before, then jumped down from the stool.
"Now what?" Klaus asked, giving Duncan back the flashlight.
"We walk," simply replied Duncan. He picked up the stool, and started leading the way. There were two ways you could go, right and left. They traveled through the right side. They advanced along the underground corridor in silence, partly because of Klaus's amazement. He wondered who built this and why. Then he remembered he was walking with a researcher.
"How did you find this?" he asked. Duncan thought for a moment.
"During P.E.," he started, "we just had to run around for that period because there wasn't anyone to teach the class. While I was running, the plate was slightly removed from the opening, and I tripped on it. Later that day, after lunch, I went back to it and went inside. I walked for about five minutes until I came to the other end. I crawled out of the exit and found myself in one of the library closets. I used to skip Nero's concerts all the time to go and read. Eventually I took a stool and a flashlight from the dormitories, and set them down here, so that the journey would be easier."
"What's down the other way?"
"I don't know. I tried to go down it, but after 20 minutes of walking, I lost interest."
The boys stopped as they had reached the end of their stroll. Duncan set down the stool, climbed upon it, and removed the cloth structure blocking the exit. He grabbed a rope from outside and pulled himself up. After he was fully out, he laid on his stomach and put his arms towards Klaus.
"I would like the rope," Klaus said, eyeing Duncan's smaller than average arms.
"I told you to trust me," Duncan.
"What if you fall down with me?" Klaus got up on the stool.
"Are you underestimating my carrying abilities?" Duncan smirked.
"Yes," Klaus spat. "Now give me the rope."
"Not a chance," Duncan pouted. "For that remark, you're never getting it. Hurry up, you're wasting time." Klaus exhaled loudly as he grabbed Duncan's forearms. "Good, now jump and I'll pull you out." Klaus did as he was told, and Duncan pulled him up into the library closet. Once they were both standing up, Duncan gave Klaus a look that said, I told you so.
Klaus rolled his eyes and reached for the doorknob, but Duncan stopped him. "Not yet," he said. He put his ear to the door, and heard nothing. "Can't be too careful." Duncan opened the door and walked over to one of the comfy recliners, and sat down.
"You're not going to pick out a book?" Klaus commented.
"No," Duncan answered as a matter of fact. "I wanted to talk to you." Klaus suddenly felt angry at Duncan, worrying that the risk of coming here was for nothing.
"We could have talked outside the auditorium."
"I thought you liked the library."
"I do, but-"
"Then sit." Duncan gestured to the recliner that sat beside his, interrupting Klaus yet again. Klaus followed orders and waited for Duncan to continue speaking.
"How are you feeling?" Duncan asked. Klaus became confused.
"How am I feeling?" he said slowly.
"Yes, how have you been?" Klaus had to think for a minute. No one had asked him how he felt in quite some time.
"A bit stressed, actually."
"Understandable."
"Especially since there's a murderer coming after me and my family." Duncan looked at Klaus sympathetically.
"Let's not think about that."
"How can I not? We could very well be kidnapped tomorrow." Duncan leaned forward and took Klaus's hands. Klaus had come to find out that Duncan was a touchy person.
"You don't think I never went through stress? I lost my parents, too, Klaus, along with my brother. I woke up every day after that, hoping it was a terrible dream. I still do sometimes. You know how I stay sane?" Klaus silently shook his head. "I relax, and breathe. I keep my chin up, stay positive, and hope for the best."
"But there's a time for being positive, and a time for being realistic."
"Who says what's positive, isn't realistic? Of course you couldn't say that Olaf will be captured tomorrow, but you could say you might find out what his plans are. I know that if we work hard, we can find a way out of this mess, and you and your sisters will be safe." Klaus smiled and squeezed Duncan's hands.
"Thank you," he said.
"No problem at all," Duncan smiled, too. He looked into Klaus's eyes for a moment, and he felt an emotion that was unrecognizable to him. He suddenly thought of something. "Stand up," he said.
"You know, you're slightly bossy," Klaus said, but stood up anyways. Duncan raised himself as well, and walked over to give his friend a hug. Klaus backed away out of reflex, and started blushing when he realized what Duncan tried to do.
"You don't like hugs?" said Duncan, faking an offended tone.
"I'm not one for physical contact."
"You let me hold your hand."
"That's different..." Klaus blushed so hard, his cheeks hurt.
"How?"
"It's just our hands touching. Hugging is... you know, our whole bodies touching..."
"Are you mysophobic? I take showers everyday, I promise you."
"No," Klaus said awkwardly.
"Then what is it? Here, you just stand there, and I'll do the hugging." Klaus backed a few steps.
"I'd really rather not."
"Fine, then," Duncan said, honestly offended this time. He went back to his recliner. Klaus was rather surprised by Duncan's reaction.
"Why are you so upset?" he asked. Duncan looked up into Klaus's eyes again, and felt frustrated.
"Just forget about it." Klaus sat back in his recliner.
"Tell me." Duncan sighed deeply.
"This conversation never escapes between you and me, understand?"
"Of course." Duncan hesitated to speak, but knew it was too late to turn back now.
"Remember what Isadora said in the shack? About my nonexistent love life?"
"I guess." Klaus wondered where this was going.
"There's a reason for that."
"Being?" Duncan started to tear up.
"Never mind. It's completely irrelevant. I shouldn't have brought it up. We should go back to the auditorium and tell our sisters what we've agreed on." Duncan stood up from his chair and started for the underground exit.
"Wait!" said Klaus. Duncan didn't turn around or do so much as flinch. Klaus got up and went after him. "If it wasn't important, why did you bring it up?"
"Exactly, there are much more important things to think about," Duncan said as he sat down, ready to drop into the darkness.
"Not right now." Duncan disappeared as he fell through the hole. "Duncan!"
"Hurry up and come down, so I can put the rug back in place." Klaus dropped down and waited for Duncan to cover the hole before he spoke again.
"Duncan, you look like you're about to cry. Tell me what you were going to say." Duncan was going to ignore Klaus and keep walking, but Klaus stopped him by grabbing his shoulder.
"Whatever it is, I won't think any different of you," Klaus said. "You could be growing another leg, and I wouldn't care." Duncan just stared at Klaus, wishing he'd let the subject go. "It's your turn to trust me."
"The reason why I've never had a girlfriend is because I don't want one."
"Is that all? I understand. You have better things to worry about than getting yourself a companion."
"No, you don't understand. The reason why I don't want a girlfriend is because I'm not attracted to them." Klaus's eyes widened. "At first I thought I wasn't attracted to anyone, but..." Duncan stopped, unable to say the next words.
"But what?"
"But then I met you." Klaus's mouth slightly opened, but no words came out. Duncan could no longer look at Klaus. He studied the tip of his shoes, wanting to run away, but knowing Klaus would just stop him anyways. "I'm so sorry. I'm just a nuisance. If you never want to talk to me again, I'll leave." Klaus then gave Duncan what he had earlier asked for. Klaus held onto Duncan for a few moments, then pulled away, still holding Duncan's hands.
"I don't mind at all, actually," Klaus smiled.
"But... why aren't you laughing or running away as fast as you can?"
"You don't think I'm prejudice, do you? I don't know if I'm attracted to boys, but I'll tell you when I figure out. I smile a lot more when you're around, that's for sure." Duncan wanted to slap himself to see if he was asleep, but decided against it. He wanted to hold Klaus's hands as long as he could. A thought occurred to Klaus."Wait, why would you think that I would laugh or run? Have people done that before?"
"Quigley dared me once to kiss one of the girls in our class. When I didn't want to, he started making jokes."
"That's terrible."
"Yet I would do anything to have him back," Duncan said with a small chuckle. Klaus squeezed Duncan's hand and gave him a tiny smile.
"I hope you know, I won't make any jokes."
Duncan smiled and said, "We should really be getting back to the auditorium. Olaf might notice that we're gone."
"Agreed." And so they walked to the auditorium, holding hands the entire way.
"I knew you recognized him!" Klaus said when it Violet told the group that she, indeed, saw through Count Olaf's disguise.
"Of course I did. I acted like I didn't to buy us some time."
"I figured that's what you were thinking. Very clever."
"Thank you. So, what's the plan?"
"The plan is we go to the administrative building and tell Nero about Olaf," Duncan said.
"Wouldn't it look odd if all of us went?" Isadora pointed out.
"Maybe just Klaus and I could go?" Duncan suggested. Klaus gave him a teasing, but kind, smile.
"I think I should go as well. Sunny can stay behind and sleep, while Isadora stays behind to look after her." Violet said. She looked to Isadora. "You don't mind, do you?"
"I'll do anything I can to help," Isadora said.
"It's much appreciated," said Klaus.
"Until tomorrow, let's keep a low profile, and relax." Violet said.
The three Baudelaires and two Quagmires leaned back in their seats and waited for the concert to be over, so that they can get an early rest and prepare themselves for the next day.
Early the next morning, Violet, Klaus, and Duncan set out for the administrative building. It was so early in the morning, the campus felt completely deserted with no teachers or students around. It was an eerie feeling, walking past the tombstone-shaped buildings in such silence. So eerie and silent, Violet and Klaus jumped when they suddenly heard Duncan laughing.
"What are you snickering at?" Violet asked.
"I just realized something," Duncan said. "We're going to the administrative building without an appointment. We'll have to eat our meals without silverware."
"There's nothing funny about that!" Violet snapped. "What if they serve oatmeal for breakfast? We'll have to scoop it up with our hands." Klaus started snickering along with Duncan.
"Or fried eggs!" he said. "What if they serve runny fried eggs?"
"Or pancakes, covered in syrup!" Duncan said.
"Soup!" Klaus barely muttered out through the laughter. Violet found herself grinning at the boys' silliness.
"Remember the picnic?" she said. "We were going to Rutabaga River for a picnic, Father was so excited about the meal he made that he forgot to pack silverware."
"Of course I remember," Klaus said. "We had to eat all that sweet-and-sour shrimp with our hands."
"I bet that was a sticky situation," Duncan said.
"It sure was," Violet agreed. "Afterward, we went to wash our hands in the river, and we found a perfect place to try the fishing rod I made."
"And I picked blackberries with Mother," Klaus said.
"Maybe we'll go back there," Violet said quietly. "Maybe someday we can visit the river again, and catch fish and pick blackberries."
"Maybe we can, but in the meantime we've got to talk to Nero. Come on, here's the administrative building."
The three sighed and walked into the building, surrendering the use of Prufrock Prep's silverware. They climbed the stairs to the ninth floor and knocked on Nero's door, surprised that they could not hear him practicing the violin.
"Come in if you must," Nero said, and the orphans walked in. Nero had his back to the door, looking at his reflection in the window as he tied a rubber band around one of his pigtails. When he was finished, he held both hands up in the air. "Ladies and gentlemen, Vice Principal Nero!" he announced, and the teens began applauding obediently. Nero quickly turned around.
"Violet, Klaus, and Duncan," he said sternly, "you're not allowed up here. You know that."
"I beg your pardon, sir," Violet said, "but all three of us have something very important we need to discuss with you."
"All three of us have something very important we need to discuss with you," Nero replied in his usual nasty way. "It must be important for you to sacrifice your silverware privileges. Well, well, out with it. I have a lot of rehearsing to do for my next concert, so don't waste my time."
"This won't take long," Klaus promised. He paused, choosing his words carefully. "We are concerned," he continued, "that Count Olaf may have somehow managed to get to Prufrock Prep."
"Nonsense," Nero said. "Now go away and let me practice the violin."
"But it might not be nonsense," Violet said. "Olaf is a master of disguise. He could be right under our very noses and we wouldn't know it."
"The only thing under my nose," Nero said, "is my mouth, which is telling you to leave."
"Count Olaf could be Mr. Remora," Duncan said. "Or Mrs. Bass."
"Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass have taught at this school for more than forty-seven years," Nero said dismissively. "I would know if one of them were in disguise."
"What about the people who work at the cafeteria?" Klaus asked. "They're always wearing those metal masks."
"Those are for safety, not for disguises," Nero said. "You brats have some very silly ideas. Next you'll be saying that Count Olaf has disguised himself as your girlfriend, what's-her-name, the triplet."
Klaus blushed, while Duncan became defensive. "My sister is not his girlfriend," Duncan said, "and she's not Count Olaf, either."
But Nero was too busy making idiotic jokes to listen. "Who knows?" he asked, and then laughed again. "Hee hee hee. Maybe he's disguised himself as Carmelita Spats."
"Or me!" came a voice from the doorway. The Baudelaires turned around and saw Coach Genghis standing there with a red rose in his hand and a fierce look in his eye.
"Or you!" Nero said. "Hee hee hee. Imagine this Olaf fellow pretending to be the finest gym teacher in the country."
Klaus looked at Coach Genghis and thought of all the trouble he had caused, whether he was pretending to be Uncle Monty's assistant Stefano, or Captain Sham, or Shirley, or any of the other phony names he had used. Klaus wanted desperately to say "You are Count Olaf!" but he knew that if the Baudelaires pretended that Coach Genghis was fooling them, they had a better chance of revealing his plan, whatever it was. So he bit his tongue. He opened his mouth and laughed.
"That would be funny!" he lied. "Imagine if you were really Count Olaf! Wouldn't that be funny, Coach Genghis? That would mean that your turban would really be a disguise!"
"My turban?" Coach Genghis said. His fierce look melted away as he realized— incorrectly, of course—that Klaus was joking. "A disguise? Ho ho ho!"
"Hee hee hee!" Nero laughed. Violet and Duncan both saw at once what Klaus was doing, and they followed suit.
"Oh yes, Genghis," Violet cried, as if she were joking, "take your turban off and show us the one eyebrow you are hiding! Ha ha ha!"
"You three children are really quite funny!" Nero cried. "You're like three professional comedians!"
"Oh yes," Klaus said. "If you were really Olaf in disguise, then your running shoes would be covering your tattoo!"
"Hee hee hee!" Nero said. "You children are like three clowns!"
"Ho ho ho!" Count Olaf said.
"Ha ha ha!" Violet said, who was beginning to feel queasy from faking all this laughter. Looking up at Genghis, and smiling so hard that her teeth ached, she stood on tiptoe and tried to reach his turban. "I'm going to rip this off," she said, as if she were still joking,"and show off your one eyebrow!"
"Hee hee hee!" Nero said, shaking his pigtails in laughter. "You're like three trained monkeys!" Klaus crouched down to the ground and grabbed one of Genghis's feet.
"And I'm going to rip your shoes off," he said, as if he were still joking,"and show off your tattoo!"
"Hee hee hee!" Nero said. "You're like three—"
The teens didn't get to hear what they were three of, because Coach Genghis stuck out both of his arms, catching Klaus with one hand and Violet with the other.
"Ho ho ho!" he said, and then abruptly stopped laughing. "Of course," he said in a tone of voice that was suddenly serious,"I can't take off my running shoes, because I've been exercising and my feet smell, and I can't take off my turban for religious reasons."
"Hee hee—" Nero stopped giggling and became very serious himself. "Oh, Coach Genghis," he said, "we wouldn't ask you to violate your religious beliefs, and I certainly don't want your feet stinking up my office."
Violet struggled to reach the turban and Klaus struggled to remove one of the evil coach's shoes, but Genghis held them both tight. Duncan just stood, not knowing what to do, and quickly losing hope.
"Joke time is over!" Nero announced. "Thank you for brightening up my morning, children. Goodbye, and enjoy your breakfast without silverware! Now, Coach Genghis, what can I do for you?"
"Well, Nero," Genghis said, "I just wanted to give you this rose—a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!"
"Oh, thank you," Nero said, taking the rose out of Genghis's hand and giving it a good smell. "I was wonderful, wasn't I?"
"You were perfection." Genghis said. "The first time you played your sonata, I was deeply moved. The second time, I had tears in my eyes. The third time, I was sobbing. The fourth time, I had an uncontrollable emotional attack. The fifth time—"
Violet, Klaus, and Duncan did not hear about the fifth time because Nero's door swung shut behind them. They looked at one another in dismay.
A/N: Thank you for reading! I don't know how I feel about this chapter... I do hope nothing feels too soon, rushed, or out of the blue altogether. Also, I apologize for any missing words, particularly articles, in this fic. Sometimes they slip by me while I'm proofreading. Anyways, I'll try to update every Sunday. :) And remember, reviews make hedgehogs giggle!
P.S. Keep in mind that this is the first fic I've fully committed myself to, so I'm very new.