Chapter 3

Kurt didn't need to look at his truck's temperature gauge to know that it was cold outside. The frost had already started to climb up the corners of his window and he had only been parked 10 minutes. The coming frost seemed to have shifted the groggy clouds and turned the sky into a clear almost-black, blue. Not a single star ruptured that black cloak and the sky looked unusually large, foreign.

Kurt turned his head to face the two separate porch lights illuminating the house he was parked in front. The steering wheel made a groan as he gripped it tighter and he looked down, not for the first time, at the crumpled maroon heap sitting in his passenger's seat.

Dave's hoodie.

Kurt didn't know what possessed him to take it this morning, nor did he know what had possessed him to keep looking down at it now, or why it stopped him from going inside the house. He rubbed the thick cotton gently between his fingers before lifting it up and onto his lap. The weight of it instantly soothed him as he let what little warmth it contained seep into his thigh. He fiddled absently with the sleeve; pulling his hand inside it and caressing the soft lining under his palm as his gazed flitted to back to the house, eyebrows creased.

Kurt knew what he needed to do. He needed to throw the hoodie in the back seat and get out of the truck.

What did instead is keep the hoodie on his lap and made a U-turn out onto the main road.

15 minutes later Kurt's truck idled on the curb of a very different street, on the corner of a very different house.

He didn't think much on his way to Dave's house. Concentrating on the road signs was a great distracter and at the red lights, Kurt's mind managed not to wander back to how he had made this journey less than 24 hours before. And as Kurt was signalling into Dave's road, he managed to keep his thoughts away from the feel of Dave's covers as he snuggled underneath that fluffy thickness. And as Kurt parked up by Dave's home, his brain had succeeded in blocking out the hollow sound of Dave's voice as he told Kurt "I'm done."

Kurt opened the truck door and took a deep breath of chill air. He allowed it to sting his senses and awaken them to action. Still gripping the hoodie, he resisted the urge to crawl back into it as he walked up to the porch. Everything around Kurt held its silence.

He was about to ring the bell, but caught himself just in time.

Digging into his front pocket, Kurt unlocked his mobile and dialled. It was just like what he had done last night; however this time, Kurt wasn't so sure Dave would pick up.

Kurt held on the line until it had gone to voicemail: 30 long seconds away. He didn't want to leave a message. He didn't want to call again. He certainly didn't want to press the bell. And he desperately tried not to see the light that was on in Dave's room.

Kurt guessed that when Dave said he was 'done', he'd meant it.

Kurt stood hunched by his car door, letting the wind slice his face and water his eyes. He still clutched the hoodie to his chest. He had briefly considered just leaving it at the foot of Dave's door. But when it came down to it, Kurt couldn't bear leaving that hoodie to lie on the ground, soaking up the grimy melted waters until only perhaps in the morning, would it be noticed. By then, it would have been exposed to the elements all night. Unwatched and unloved.

There was a dull ache that ran through his stomach as he thought on the fate of the one thing he had left of Dave. He couldn't leave it like that: it was too cold.

His phone buzzed and Kurt was snapped back to the present; he remembered Blaine.

But it wasn't Blaine's name that flashed on the screen.

When Kurt was able to work his stiff fingers enough to accept the call, all that was audible was laboured, rough breathing. It sounded like he had been in a fight. Kurt crushed the phoned closer to his ear as he tried hard to catch the sound.

The truth was that, those few seconds after Kurt's call were the hardest, most agonising minutes of Dave's life so far.

But what it came down to, was that Dave didn't want to repeat the regret of watching Kurt walk into his truck and out of his life for a second time that day.

So between ragged breaths, Dave's voice whispered a low "wait" before he hung up.

Dave shot out a quick "bye" to his dad, before he shut himself out. The cold wind bit unforgivably at Dave's exposed face as he closed his front door. However, his breath didn't so much as catch in his throat as he made his way from the warmth of his home toward Kurt. Kurt noted Dave's cheeks were already ruddy and weather beaten and Kurt wanted nothing more than to caress Dave's skin with his hand, his check, his whole body, to feel if it was as cold as it looked.

Dave looked down at Kurt with eyes narrowed and guards up. He stood a foot away from him and waited.

Kurt tried to think of anything that would break the thick ice that had formed between them; the ice which, ironically, felt colder than the frost dusting his truck. Kurt's eye drew back to Dave's bedroom window, back to the light that was still on.

"You know your window is open. You should close it before the cold makes you numb."

Dave's eyes flickered an unreadable glance at Kurt before he responded with carefully constructed bitterness; "Hummel. Why are you here? And for the love of God; don't tell me it was because you felt the sudden, burning desire to talk to me about the damn weather."

His words so artificial, so detached from true emotion: made Kurt's body spasm in a shiver. The words were harsh and spiteful enough, yes, but it was the fact that Dave's bitterness was only there as a shield to safeguard his heart: the fact that Dave had to protect himself from Kurt, which stimulated Kurt's self-disgust.

Dave noticed the shiver and he couldn't help but soften. His voice was tender when he formed the question of whether Kurt would prefer to sit in the truck. Dave barely resisted the urge to run the backs of his fingers across Kurt's cheek as he asked, but he still allowed his mouth to turn down with concern.

Kurt glanced down to his truck, relieved at the idea. He then happened to catch sight of the overnight bag on his back seat. Kurt's eyes widened and he quickly shifted focus back to the loose gravel of the street, mumbling what he hoped came across as sounding casual. "Do you mind if we take a walk?"

But it was too late.

Dave had followed the movement of Kurt's eyes and saw the black suitcase for himself. A nauseous feeling crept over him and he followed Kurt in silence; chiding himself because yet again, he allowed another piece of his heart to get punctured by Kurt.

They walked down the street awhile; their body's appearing in and out of shadow with the coming and passing of street lamps. Dave was always one step behind Kurt and Kurt had to constantly look back to reassure himself that Dave was still with him. Every time he glanced backwards, the same stony look pierced through Kurt's restless gaze and Kurt's resolve ebbed away a little bit more. He gripped unconsciously tighter on to that hoodie.

Kurt couldn't take it anymore, he didn't want to walk any further; especially when it felt like at any moment Dave could just stop and walk in the opposite direction and Kurt would never know.

The street lamp they were near gave Kurt enough light to see Dave's features shift to something like expectation. Dave's features were still cold, but there was something behind them, an agitated energy that played behind the eyes.

Kurt surveyed the streetlight they were next to. It was old and had started to rust on one side. It matched the decaying wooden bench it was illuminating. What a picture of ruin, Kurt reflected, huffing dryly to himself. Kurt looked down and shook his head, trying to gather his senses about him. He thought now was the best time as any.

"Dave..." He thought he should start simply. Easy. But in truth, even with that one word, Kurt was startled at how alien it sounded as it fought through the quiet.

He cleared his throat softly and began again. "I want to give you back your hoodie. I borrowed it this morning while you were..." He trailed off, recalling how he stole out of Dave's house this morning like a thief. Or a lover. To be honest, Kurt didn't think there was much difference between the two. Kurt sighed and held up the piece of clothing between them "...so I want to give it back."

Dave stared at the hoodie held limp in Kurt's hand.

"Keep it." Dave replied curtly, with an unreadable expression fixed on his face.

Kurt didn't understand. He'd thought Dave would want it back. He wanted Dave to take it back, needed Dave to take the constant reminder of him away. "No. It's yours. I'm sorry for taking it. I shouldn't have."

"Why did you do it Kurt?" Suddenly, Dave's voice had changed; it had become deeper and more pained. For the first time, Dave didn't meet Kurt's eye as he spoke. If Kurt concentrated enough, he would have been able to see Dave's hands trembling. But Kurt wasn't concentrating, so Kurt didn't see.

"I- it was cold, I guess-" Kurt lied. He was taken aback by the question and didn't know what to say. He couldn't even answer that question to himself.

Dave cut Kurt off with a sharp exhalation of breath and whipped his head up with a half angry, half disbelieving expression. "I'm not talking about the damn hoodie! I saw you Kurt. I saw you leave and I want to know why. Why couldn't you just let me..." Dave didn't have the courage the finish the sentence, so he broke off urgently searching Kurt's lowered gaze for the answer to his unasked question.

Dave had seen Kurt leave. The fact stabbed Kurt's chest and knocked all speech out. It seemed so much worst if he had witnesses; if he had Dave to witness.

It was a while before Kurt could gasp in enough air to hold down a sentence. Even then, he wasn't able to look at Dave without losing all his breath again. So instead, he trained his eyes on the loosening paint of the lamppost.

"I was so upset" Kurt finally whispered. It looked as if the paint was trying to physically jump off the lamppost in order to escape corrosion. Kurt let his mind focus on the little details in front of him and tried so hard not to be consumed by the pain Dave was trying to dig up. "I couldn't bear the thought of what I'd done- what you'd made me out to be. How could I stay? I-"

"For me." Dave swallowed and his voice shook. "You should have stayed...for me."

Kurt's eyes filled as he snapped his head to Dave, Kurt's whole body was shivering as he saw the mask crumble off Dave's face, watching piece by agonising piece the revelation of absolute pain in Dave's heart.

Dave continued with an anger that rose with each breath "Jesus, you talk about how you felt, how you were sad. What about me! Have you even, for one second, thought about anyone but yourself? Did you even think about what you're doing to me? Have I even once crossed your mind?" He sniffed back the water building just behind his eyes, at the top of his nose and carried on regardless. He took the hoodie from where Kurt was cradling it against himself and held it in front of Kurt's face "Or, was your only thought that you have to give me back my stupid hoodie because you can't stand to have it around you any longer! Because you can't stand to have me around you."

Despite Dave's anger, his voice cracked on the last sentence and caused all the rage to drain out of the fracture, leaving an exhausted, broken shell.

Kurt stared at the hoodie which, in Dave's anger, he had tossed to the ground. He watched as it snagged on the splintered bench before dropping into one of the many puddles on the floor. He watched it absorbing all the water from the ground as Kurt's own filled his eyes and tumbled down uncaught and unabsorbed. Kurt stood awkwardly with his face turned away from Dave and wept silently. He hoped Dave wouldn't see and think him weak.

Dave saw the shivers and he saw the tears, every liquid drop ramming those pins in his heart deeper still. He wanted so much to comfort Kurt, but he couldn't do that to his heart, he couldn't let the blood run faster out from his soul. But watching Kurt in pain and doing nothing had to be worse than anything Kurt could do now to hurt him. He thought there was no more pain possible that Kurt could inflict on him.

So Dave adopted a gruff, uncaring facade as he attempted to offer what little protection he could to his heart. "Fuck sake Hummel, you're shivering so much you look as if you're having a fit. Come here."

When Kurt did nothing but turn his body away some more, Dave couldn't help but adopt a gentle tone and derail the tear track from a cheek with his thumb, while resting Kurt's jaw on the side of his open fist. Dave's hand felt so solid against Kurt's jaw and Kurt immediately allowed the weight of his head, thick with confusion and helplessness, to bow down on it. Dave supported Kurt's head as Kurt squeezed his eyes shut and pressed against the thumb stroking his face.

"Kurt. Come closer." Dave whispered.

What about Blaine? This was all too much, Dave was too close and yet, for Kurt, it seemed too little. Far, far too little. Kurt so much just wanted to move his head ever so slightly, so that the thumb resting by the corner of his mouth would brush against his lips. So he could feel that rough pressure ground his lips and stop them from trembling. So he would know what it would feel like to kiss a part of Dave. This was far, far too little and yet Kurt stood motionless.

"Kurt, we've slept together. I hardly think a hug is pushing the boat out." Dave conveniently failed to mention that their current position was far more intimate than any hug could ever be, too scared that Kurt would pull away.

Gently, Dave drew his hand back. Kurt followed the movement with all his body, not allowing Dave's hand to break contact with his skin only until the last moment when he was brought into Dave's arms.

Kurt let out a shuddery breath as he moulded his body around Dave's. Kurt's face burrowed into Dave's neck as he breathed in that familiar, warming scent. If Kurt closed his eyes, it felt like the night before; where it was just the two of them and Kurt was safe, cradled between those arms and that chest.

Kurt didn't need to stay strong anymore; he didn't need to hold it together. And so he didn't. He let the shudders shake his frame as he leaned into Dave and he let the tears run down his face as they dampened Dave's neck and slid down the line of Dave's collar bone. Dave just cuddled him tighter; with one hand cupping the back of Kurt's neck, the other stroked soothing patterns against Kurt's lower back.

Dave didn't care about his heart. In that one moment, he gave it all to Kurt and would do so a million times over.

He held on long after Kurt's shudders quieted down and he caressed the side of Kurt's face with his own to dry away the tears.

"Why do you do that?" Kurt asked. His voice was heavy and muted by the passing tears.

"Do what?" Dave's response was barely a murmur; he was distant and distracted by making sure no trace of wet sorrow was left on Kurt's skin.

"Make it so..." Simple? Easy? Right to be around you?

All these thoughts popped into Kurt's mouth like liquorish candy and he tasted them round his mouth before spitting them aside. Instead, he settled on "make it seem like we did more than just sleep together?"

Dave sighed out and rested the side of his head against Kurt's hair, trying to piece together the words in his head. "You of all people should know that sex, yeah it's intimate, but...I dunno. Being so comfortable around another person that you can just sleep and not kept up all night with worries about what the other person is thinking, or if you're doing it right. That you can just be. Can just sleep. That's was it's all about, right?" He snickered bitterly at himself and gripped Kurt closer "lame I know, but that's what I figure."

Kurt turned his head sharply away, inadvertently pushing Dave's head away from rest. Kurt didn't want to believe it, he didn't want it to be true. For if it was, then where does that put him and Blaine? Everyone told him that Blaine was his perfect boyfriend, and if he couldn't even trust Blaine enough to sleep with him, then what chance has he got with any other boyfriend's? Boyfriend's that weren't 'perfect' for him.

They stood there together in silence for a minute, just content to hold on to each other. Eventually Kurt shifted away from Dave's neck. Dave's arms refused to loosen their grip and Kurt didn't work to remove his hands that fisted Dave's coat.

"I suppose I have to go." Kurt began, looking at the red heat marks he had created on Dave's neck.

"You don't have to go anywhere." Dave's words were firm and carried a hint of hope in them.

"You've been good to me."

Dave huffed and looked away, his thumb stroking just once more Kurt's neck. "Just not good enough."

"Dave..." Kurt whispered, pained. He pulled back from Dave, forcing their embrace to crumble. Kurt attempted to get Dave to look at him as he explained "I'm with Blaine."

Dave shook his head forcefully and shot an intense, pleading stare to Kurt. Kurt could see the build up of tears in Dave's beautifully anguished eyes; just one blink could tip the scale and cause it all to melt. "Don't. Kurt. Please don't go."

"Please Kurt..."

It was just two small and broken words, but for the first time he had begged Kurt.

He had begged Kurt not to go.

Dave's eyes had filled to their barrier.

He had begged Kurt to choose him.

His vision had gone blurry.

He was scared and he was broken and his guards had fallen to dust and he begged.

He blinked once.

"I have to go. Blaine is waiting for me."

He had begged but it was all for nothing.

Dave was crying.

Finally, the rusty nails that Kurt had so slowly shoved passed Dave's chest and thrust through Dave's back, ripped themselves out of his heart and left him pouring blood on the bitter pavement for dead.

And Kurt left him there.

My chest aches after writing this; I do hope some of that emotion came across in the writing. Also, I really, really don't know if Kurt is going to sleep with Blaine or not tonight, could go either way, but it's not looking great.