Conf 3

(Dean wants to pounce on Sam, to take the gun away, but if the safety is off; the gun could fire under the pressure of Sam's finger, and he could die. So Dean readies himself, but doesn't move.)

Dean: Sam, Sammy, whatever it is, we can work through it together. We have an agreement, Sam, a pact; one that only full blood-brothers could have.

Sam: Yeah, you just remember that.

Dean: Sam, talk to me, tell me what's bothering you.

Sam: Okay, Deun, okay, but if I hear you say anything about chick-flick moments, so help me God, I will blow my brains out!

(Dean nods.)

Dean: Okay, I get it. Not a word. Just talk to me, no secrets, alright?

Sam: Alright... Deun.

(Sam takes some calming breaths, and Dean tries to do the same, but he can't. With that little gun pointed at his brother's head, he's on edge the entire time.)

Sam: I guess you could say I'm lonely, Dean. I feel so alone.

Dean: I keep telling you to get laid, but you don't listen.

Sam: I'm not talking about that. I mean I am, but I'm not.

(Dean's eyebrows furrow. Sam gives another half laugh/half sob.)

Sam: I don't want a woman for one night. I want many nights.

Dean: So let's go to bars and get you hooked up on a regular basis.

(Sam gets angry, and the gun waivers.)

Sam: What, just pick up some unsuspecting girl, bring her here, screw her, and when I'm done, just throw her some cab money and tell her to get the fuck out? No! That's not what I need. I can't... I can't. I'm not like you Dean. I can't give myself to someone just once, and walk away without losing a piece of my heart each time. It's torture for my soul. And I don't understand how you can. How do you do it, Deun, huh? How do you walk away unscathed?

Dean: I don't give myself Sammy. I just have fun.

Sam: What's the point? I mean, if there's no give and take, what do you get out of it?

Dean: Release, Sam. Plain and simple.

Sam: You don't need a woman for that Deun; you can take care of it yourself.

Dean: Ah, but Sammy, it's much more fun with a girl.

Sam: But what do you get Deun. If you don't give your heart, you can't receive hers, no matter how much she tries to give it to you. So how does it make you feel? What does it do for your soul?

(Dean just drops his head down. He's starting to understand now, and feel his brother's pain.)

Dean: Nothing, Sam...It doesn't do a damn thing.

Sam: That's what I thought. I've only ever seen you love like that once.

Dean: Don't Sam, I'm warning you.

Sam: Deun... I have to. You need to hear it. You need to feel it, to empathize with me. I told you to go to Lisa, and have a life, because I wanted you to be happy. I still do.

Dean: And I became a vampire and ruined it.

Sam: I know, and that was my own selfish/soulless fault, and I'm sorry. I'm so, very sorry. But Deun, I went through that also, three times! And I know it's a pain you can never get over. I know how it stays with you, how it follows you through even the next girl. So why, why would I open new wounds every night. How could I put myself through that? Why would I want to? ...Deun, I don't know what else to do?

Dean: I'm no expert on love, Sam, but if you need it, then find it.

Sam: And who would that be, Deun. Who could we trust, another hunter? Another civilian who'd have no idea what we do or the risks we take. And what happens to her, when I don't make it back? No; Deun, no!

(Dean speaks softly.)

Dean: What do you want me to say, Sammy?

Sam: Tell me. How do you do it? How do you make love without the love?

Dean: Sammy. I just don't.

Sam: How, Dean, how; tell me how. Because the Dean who was with Lisa; he loved. How did you learn to go out and be a total slime-ball?

(Dean starts to shake. He gets up and slowly paces. He runs his right hand through his short hair, and across his mouth. He breathes hard and fast. Sam can tell that he hit a nerve.

But that's what Sam was hoping for. He knew he'd have to get to Dean's core, before his brother would accept his proposal. Eventually, Dean sits back down.

Sam's arm is tired, but he knows the gun is the only leverage he has.)

Dean: Sam... Sammy, please; don't make me do this. You won't want to hear it; you don't want me to do this.

(Dean strains not to cry.)

Sam: Yeah, Deun, I do. No secrets, remember?

(Dean starts to shake his head no. Then one tear falls, it's just enough to let him start explaining.)

Dean: Sammy, do you remember my 18th birthday?

Sam: Yeah, Dad gave you the Impala. That was a great day, you were so happy.

Dean: In front of you, yeah. But then Dad took me aside later and told me why he gave her to me.

(Dean goes absolutely still. as if to distance himself from the story.)

Dean: He told me, I needed it, to get to and from work because now that I was 18, I had to get a job; that I had to man-up and make my own way. He worked on and off even though he was hunting. I was to do the same; even though I was still in school and only halfway through the grade. I don't think he knew that I was a year behind, what with all the moving around and such, or maybe he did. But he said that starting in July, I had to work full time, and that I had to pay my own way, and, and, and yours.

Sam: What? Why would he make you pay my way?

Dean: Because that was my place in the family. It always was. I had to take care of you. I had to protect you. That was official, since, since Mom died.

Sam: Dad had no right to do that to you. I was an infant and you were just a little kid.

Dean: Sammy... After all this time, you still don't get it do you? Yeah, I was four-almost five, when I lost Mom. She was more than just a mother to me; she was my friend, my buddy, my company. Dad worked late six days a week. I only really saw him in the mornings and on Sundays. And when Mom was gone, I was so alone. There was this huge hole...half of me was missing. Dad knew it, God he felt it too.

But Dad, he-he had this wisdom, even though he was still young then. He knew he needed to fill that space in my heart where Mom used to live. So, he gave you to me. He had me take care of you. I did everything for you, Sam.
Sam: How could you take care of me, you were only four years old.

Dean: Mom, she ah, she didn't put me in front of the television set like other Moms did. She had me with her all the time. She kept me involved; she talked to me and taught me. Whatever she did, I did too. I could make cereal, and sandwiches, I knew how to dust, how to clean, how to organize, how to do laundry, how to fold. She taught me how to wash the dishes. Everything! There was nothing short of using the stove that I couldn't do. She spent all her time with me. We went everywhere together, shopping, dry cleaners, even the hairdressers. Mom was my whole world. Then you were born. And she showed me how to clean you, and change your diapers, how to put juice into a baby bottle, even how to rock you to sleep.

Sam: Wow Deun, I had no idea. But what does this have to do with women?

Dean: I worked after school for the first five months, but then I needed a full time job. But without a diploma, I couldn't get one. By then, you were fourteen. I knew I could trust you being alone. So I was able to get two part time jobs.

Sam: Yeah, in order for you to keep those jobs, sometimes Dad would take me hunting without you.

Dean: But then Christmas was coming, and I was barely making enough to get by so I tried to find a night job. But I couldn't. I couldn't Sam, not without a diploma. (Guilt and sorrow seem to fill Dean's face; he can barely keep his tears at bay.)

Dean: I tried, but I failed, Sammy I failed.

Sam: Wait, I remember that, Deun. You did have a night job. You'd come home at all hours in the morning.

Dean: It wasn't a real job, Sam!

(Dean's voice hardened, for just that sentence.)

Dean: It wasn't. I, I didn't work. I... Oh Sammy, I sold myself.

Sam: What?

Dean: I met this woman, she told me I could make great money, and have a lot of fun, and the more hours I could dedicate, the more money I could make. So, we struck up an agreement. She bought me clothes, and everyday I would go to her house to change. She'd give me a list of names, addresses, and a schedule to keep. Most of them were divorced and lonely, some just needed an escort, but others needed more. So, at first, I was giving my heart, and yeah, sometimes I would get something back, but most of the time, I wouldn't. But then you were going to go to college, and I thought I couldn't do it anymore. Because I couldn't lose that much of my heart, it was like losing Mom all over again. And when you left... I was devastated. I shut down. I felt nothing. Oddly enough, it made me a better hunter. So, for a while I just went through the motions, but my heart was closed. And then, finally, I just stopped. I lived in my car. I hustled pool, and went hunting, sometimes with Dad, but more often without.

(Dean is feeling ashamed, and raw. He split himself open for Sam.

Sam is in awe. He had no idea how much he meant to Dean. He never really understood this obsession that Dean had for him. But he does now.)

TBC