A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! You are the cream in my coffee, which I don't drink, but Ol' Bob does, with a vigor. A special thanks to LooneyLuna for going through our profile and reading just about every story we wrote. She has now been officially dubbed # 1 fan, and anyone wishing to take that title must arm wrestle her for it. And a specialer thanks to the Guest reviewer on our other story "Once Upon A Summer's Day I Missed My Train." It seriously made our day to read. And we'll try to go on without your support.

Chapter the Third—Is That An Umbrella In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy I'm The Chosen One?

Uncle Vernon's solution to the letter problem was to mimic the defense mechanism of the mighty shrew, which is to say "Go where bad things are not happening."

"Dad's gone mad," Dudley said, unpacking his favorite fondue pot. The whole family had relocated to a shack that Vernon had rented. It was located on a glorified rock just off the coast of somewhere they were sure they would never be found: Ireland.

"Your father's just going through an eccentric time in his life," Petunia said.

"I don't understand why he won't just let me read the letter," Harry said.

"Shut your mouth!" Vernon oinked, brandishing his newly purchased shotgun. "Good news family! The Irish are too drunk to deliver mail!" With that he ordered the family to bed, as the sun had begun to set.

Harry couldn't sleep, partly because he was on the cold cement floor, but mostly because midnight had passed, and it was now his birthday. "Happy birthday...to me," Harry sang.

No sooner had the final note of Harry's ballad of woe warbled into the night when a thunderous "Ding!"came crashing through the small hut. . . the "dong" was broken.

Harry held his breath for a silent moment, wondering if it was sweet, merciful Death come to rid him of his putrid life. Vernon had woken up and was now plodding down the stairs, toting the shotgun. "Whoever you are," yelled he, "be warned that any form of postage breaching that door frame is getting gunned down!" Heedless of this threat, the door was removed from its hinges.

Where the door had until recently been now stood the silhouette of a gargantuan man, nearly three metres tall! The giant eyed the family with little concern, "Hey," said he, "Sorry 'bout wrecking your door, but in my defense it was in the way."

"Get out of here this instant!" yelled Vernon, raising his shotgun to eye level.

"You'll poke yer eye out with that!" yelled the larger man as he took the weapon and twisted it into a giraffe. Uncle Vernon gaped.

The commotion had heralded Petunia and Dudley to the front room, "What's going on here?" they inquired.

"You, pork-rind," said Hagrid, gesturing towards Dudley, "You Harry?" Dudley shook his head no, his jowls finishing after his neck.

"I'm Harry," came a voice from under the door, "you crushed me on your way in."

"Geez! What are you doin' under there, lad?"

"I didn't want to be a bother," Harry said weakly.

Hagrid pulled the boy out from underneath the door, "Well I've got somethin' that'll make you feel right as rain!" The giant then pulled from one of his many pockets a small box containing an even smaller cake on which was written, "Happy Berthday Hary!"

Grammar aside, Harry was delighted, being as it was the first gift the boy had ever received. "Thank you!" Harry exclaimed. "But…why are you here?"

"It's a little nippy in here!" Hagrid said, and moved to the fire place.

"It's a shed on top of a pile of rocks, by the ocean," Harry said.

But Hagrid was no longer paying attention. He was preoccupied with lighting a fire from the tip of his umbrella, which he was wont to do. As he stoked the flames, Harry repeated his question:

"Why are you here…chum?"

Hagrid turned to face the boy. He patted his knee and said, "Have a seat on my lap, m'boy."

"I'd really rather not."

"Do it now."

"Righto." Hagrid scooped up the boy and sat on the sofa. Once Harry was settled in the soft, pillowy flesh of the giant-man, Hagrid said, "My name is Hagrid. Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts! But o' course you know all about Hogwarts!"

Harry tilted his head to indicate his befuddlement. "Hog what?"

"Blimey, Harry! You tellin' me these two dingles"—he gestured to Vernon and Petunia—"never told you about your parents?!"

"Well," Harry said, "They did mention once, in passing, that they had been eaten whole by ravenous bears."

"BEARS?!" Hagrid shouted. "Bears killed Lily and James Potter?! There are no bears in England!"

"We had to tell him something," Petunia murmured.

"You coulda told him something less stupid," Hagrid replied. He looked at Harry and said "Harry, it's time you know that your parents were viciously murdered by a force more terrible than you can imagine."

Harry considered this and said "…was it AIDS?"

"AIDS personified!" Hagrid said. "But we'll talk about that later. Right now, I want to know if you've ever made anything happen, anything you couldn't explain. Maybe when you were scared or angry…or happy?...No?...Okay, just the first two."

"Well, I've talked to a spider and a snake before. I can't explain that. Also, I think I turned a bicycle into a bison once. Do these count?"

Hagrid raised a bushy eyebrow. "Indeed they do, lad. Indeed they do." Hagrid paused and, very dramatically, grunted: "You're a wizard, Harry."

Harry blinked….a lot. "I'm…I'm a what?"

Hagrid yelled in his face. "I SAID A WIZARD! Didn't you hear me?! And you'll be a great wizard, probably." Hagrid then produced a letter—the very same letter that had hounded the Dursley's to this God-forsaken rock!—and handed it to the boy.

"He shan't be going!" Vernon shouted. "We swore when we took him in we would beat the magic sparkle right out of his eye!"

"Oh," Hagrid said, thumping his umbrella against Vernon's meaty chest, "And I suppose a great Muggle like yourself is gonna stop us, now ain't ya?"

"Muggle?" Harry asked.

"Non-magic folk," Hagrid explained.

Petunia chimed in, "we prefer the magically-impaired."

"I bet you do, Muggle," Hagrid said, then faced Harry. "Go on, Harry. Read."

Harry, fingers trembling, belly quaking with hunger, opened the letter, took in a deep breath and said, "I can't read."

"UHHG! Give it 'ere!" Hagrid took back the letter, and read (aloud):

"Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts Technical School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Congratulations on your acceptance, I couldn't be prouder of you, tiger. Why I can remember when you were but a boy, and I could see you had dreamed of this day. But I digress. Please take advantage of the services of Mr. Rubeus Hagrid. Treat him as you would any faithful dog. Why I can remember when I had a dog, and I had to put him down because he acquired magic rabies. But I digress. Being accepted is a great honor, and everyone who's anyone will be there. I'll be there, along with my bird. Why I remember when I was a bird, but that is a story for another day. What I'm getting at here is that you should come to my school, make some friends for a change, have fun, you know, carpe diem and all that. Class begin September first. Be there, or else.

But I digress,

Albus Dumbledore

Headmaster of Hogwarts Technical School of Witchcraft and Wizardry"

"What does he mean by 'or else'? Harry asked.

"Best not to worry about that" Hagrid answered. "Anyway, we best be goin'. Get in the rickety boat."

Harry weighed his options. "I'm not sure I should be going with a complete stranger…"

Hagrid stood in the doorframe. "It's that or stay here the rest of your life."

Harry surveyed his squalid surroundings, his brutal aunt and uncle, and his gluttonous cousin, face-deep in Harry's cake. Hagrid, seeing this, used his umbrella to give the portly boy a pig's tail, thereby making him an outcast to friend and foe alike. The giggles that emanated from Harry's throat convinced him to trust the giant-man, as it was the first time that he had ever laughed, ever.

Ever.

A/N: EVER!