iii. How Fucking Stupid Are We?

It was safe to assume that Darcy was a little on edge. After the panic attack she was already a little off, and then the kombucha seemed like the final straw.

She didn't know what she'd rather do – bang her head against the pavement or cry out of frustration. The annoyance that had been bubbling for days about Valentine's Day had come to the surface. Why was she perpetually single? Why did the men she did actually date turn out to be selfish duds nearly every time?

Her last serious relationship was with Ian but that one didn't work out. They were better off as friends, and he'd managed to get engaged in no time at all when Darcy was still perusing Tinder, Bumble and whatever else she could find for just a little bit of tenderness.

It was a little pathetic, having a guy friend take her out that night because he felt sorry for her. It wasn't some huge revelation that she had a crush on Steve. It was hard not to, especially when he was nice to look at and someone she liked talking to.

The way he said "my wife" made her stomach flip, and she was brought back to earth. Instead of continuing to scream she packed herself up and joined Steve again to walk into the night.

She shivered and she hated her dumb decision to try to channel Kasey Musgraves instead of wearing a proper winter coat. Steve glanced at her and awkwardly moved closer, putting one of his arms around her and rubbing her arm.

"This okay?" he murmured, and Darcy nodded.

"Where are we going?" she asked, her stomach making a distinct growl. If Steve was anyone else she'd feel self-conscious, but he just smiled.

"Italian place a block away."

He remembered she liked Italian. That was sweet. She was always ordering too much pasta and giving Steve's appetite a run for its money. He liked stealing her leftover garlic knots. What he didn't know was that she left them for him every time hoping he'd take them. Yeah, she definitely had a crush on Steve.

"I hate Valentine's Day," Darcy declared, and Steve just smiled.

"Really? I couldn't tell."

"'My wife.' That was cute," Darcy said, and Steve chuckled. "Really adds to the narrative."

"The mortgage repayments are a strain on us both," Steve said. "You occasionally scream at the moon and I just do a lot of golfing."

Darcy smiled.

They kept walking down the street, and occasionally Darcy let herself go along with the story that they were husband and wife on their big date out on the town. Steve was so warm and solid beside her that Darcy was able to indulge in that weird fantasy. They'd share an apartment and adopt a dog. He'd go on missions while Darcy stayed behind and worked with Jane. He'd always come home and they'd stay tangled up together –

Darcy shoved the thought of them in bed way, way down and moved away from Steve, letting his arm fall to his side. She wrapped her too thin coat around her body and shivered.

Steve didn't say anything, just cleared his throat.

"It's coming up here."

"I don't see anyone in the windows," Darcy said slowly, squinting.

The place didn't have its lights on. Darcy held her breath, closing her eyes.

Steve's heart sank when Darcy slipped out from under his arm. It was a distinct feeling he couldn't ignore. He was disappointed and instantly missing her that close to him. He didn't have time to think about it too long when they walked up to the restaurant to see it was closed.

Darcy read the sign on the door.

"Apologies in advance for our Valentine's Day reserved tables," she said. "It says there's a maintenance issue."

Steve closed his eyes, rubbing his face with a hand. "I confirmed the table yesterday."

They both sighed, and Darcy seemed genuinely defeated.

"It's okay."

Steve opened his eyes and looked at her, her face looking tired and resigned.

"No, it's not, Darcy. I meant tonight to be good for both of us," he said, and Darcy glanced up at him.

"You're right. It's not okay. But I shouldn't have been this surprised. I feel like this is the universe's final sign for me to give up on dating in general."

She turned her heel and went toward the curb, hand out to hail a cab. Steve followed her, his own hand up.

"Do you want to go home?"

"What else is there to do?" she grumbled, and a cab pulled up in front of them.

Steve opened the door for her and Darcy ducked her head and climbed inside. The driver was wearing a Bluetooth earpiece and having a lengthy conversation. Steve gave him the address and they peeled off into the night.

Darcy leaned her head back in her seat and sighed.

"Can we just agree that if we're still both single –"

Steve turned his head toward her and felt his stomach flip.

"- in like, ten years –"

"What?" he asked, hoping his voice didn't give away any kind of emotion.

"-we make a pact to murder each other?"

Darcy stared right at him and Steve's eyebrows rose. He looked away, considering her words.

"That is extremely morbid, Darcy," he finally said.

She rolled her eyes.

"It's just a murder-suicide pact, Steven," she said. "It's like insurance."

Steve began to laugh, passing a hand over his face.

"Jesus, I didn't think you'd be considering suicide by the end of tonight," he muttered.

Darcy met his gaze and she began to laugh softly.

"I'm giving up," she said. "I'm not putting myself out there. If some dude lands in my lap, awesome, but I'm giving up on trying."

"Noted," Steve replied.

They fell into silence while Steve considered Darcy's decision. It seemed crazy to him that men weren't lining up out the door for her to just have a chance to spend time with her. Darcy made her laugh, made him feel comfortable in his own skin. She was beautiful, never mind all the times he thought she was cute. She was witty and she had a heart.

"I can't, I'm sorry," he said, and Darcy glanced at him with a confused look on her face.

"What?"

"I don't know what those other guys were thinking, the ones that made you want to stop dating entirely," he went on, not looking Darcy in the eye. He was afraid he might lose his nerve. "But they're idiots. They should be holding on to you and never letting go."

"You're sweet," she said, and Steve looked at her in the eye.

"I'm just stating the obvious," he said, eyes ducking briefly before he glanced back at her big blue eyes he pretended he didn't think about when she wasn't around. "You're a diamond."

Darcy stared at him, blinking rapidly.

They said nothing else, and once they arrived home Steve paid the driver and held the door open for Darcy. She kept quiet as they walked into the foyer.

They waited for the elevator and Steve looked at Darcy's shoulders that were shaking from the cold. He did what he should have done hours ago and took off his jacket, draping it over her shoulders.

"Thank you," she murmured, and Steve nodded.

"No problem, Darce."

They stepped into the elevator and Steve pressed the button for the common area level.

Darcy's question seemed to come out of nowhere:

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

Steve let out a short breath of a laugh. "I don't know. I guess I don't want to bring a girl into this. She'd never see me, she'd have to be waiting around for me and she'd have to deal with me and my… bullshit."

He was paraphrasing but Darcy seemed irritated by his answer.

"That's insane. You could have any girl. You could rock up to a Victoria's Secret show and leave with ten of the models."

Steve vaguely remembered Sam mentioning a show on TV that had statuesque women walking down a runway in their underwear with very loud music Steve didn't like. He understood the appeal but he made a face at Darcy, which only made her chuckle.

"What, you're not into supermodels?"

"They're attractive, but…no, not really," he replied. He crossed his arms.

There was a ding above their heads signalling their arrival.

"You want to order pizza?" Steve asked, and Darcy nodded.

Darcy kept fiddling with a thread on the hem of her white dress as they waited on the couch together for their delivery guy to show up. Most likely Steve would volunteer to go downstairs and get their food when it showed up in the foyer.

She swallowed, feeling like she needed to set the record straight.

"I don't think it's bullshit, just so you know," she said, breaking their silence.

"What do you mean?" Steve asked, adjusting in his space beside her on the couch, turning to look at her face side-on.

It made Darcy feel self-conscious for the first time ever.

"Your issues," she said, pulling the thread a little. "They're valid, they're not bullshit. You woke up in a new century and you've had to adapt quickly to a bunch of shit that is tough for anyone in my generation to even contemplate."

He deflected, which she expected. "What happened with Robbie?"

Darcy turned her head and felt herself blush. "Nothing, he just didn't want to be exclusive."

"Moron," Steve said instantly.

Darcy looked down. "Yeah, I guess so."

She left out the part about the dick pics. She didn't want it to be a human resources issue. She should block his number already instead of leaving him there in her phone just in case she got so sad that she came crawling back to his bed.

"Please don't stop chasing things," Steve said suddenly, and Darcy could see he was serious. "It'd be a waste to not keep looking for someone."

"You sound like my mom," Darcy muttered.

Steve sighed. "No, I meant whoever you find would have totally lucked out."

Darcy was made uncomfortable by his earnestness.

"I don't even like the guys I date, really," she said. "I don't end up dating my crushes. Dates are disappointing but they're… I dunno. Predictably bad. So I doubt any one would ever feel lucky."

"I feel lucky," Steve said, and Darcy's eyes widened slightly at his admission.

"We're friends," she said.

She said the same thing to Jane and her mom often enough whenever Steve came up in conversation. That happened a lot. She became accustomed to turning down whatever idea people around her got about Steve. She was not in his league.

JARVIS suddenly announced their pizza and Darcy got up, ignoring Steve's protests. She thought if she got away from him for a minute or so she'd calm down, gear herself up for friendly banter instead of wistful longing.

She rode the elevator downstairs still wearing Steve's jacket as well as her little coat underneath. The leather was heavy and grounded her. She didn't want to have another panic attack. She could blame her emotional state on that roller coaster alone, but she knew better.

She'd had feelings for Steve for a while and this friend date was only half of what she really wanted.

Steve sat alone on the couch and considered his options. He could eat with Darcy and then call it a night, maybe send her a dumb present tomorrow to make up for how shitty the night had turned out. Make a lot of jokes about it maybe and try to move on.

He couldn't stand how unhappy she was, and maybe he was just too selfish. He wanted her, badly. He'd just managed to conveniently push aside his loneliness with her friendship, completely missing the point that he wanted to be more than friends with her.

And Robbie not wanting her completely bothered Steve a lot. The guy was more of an idiot than he ever considered.

He felt his stomach flipping as he heard the elevator ding once more, and Darcy came into view once more, the pizza box in her hands as she walked into the common area.

Yeah, Steve was selfish.

He stood up, taking the box from her and putting it aside. Darcy looked confused.

"Uh, Steve –?"

His hands went to the sides of her face and he tilted her head, bringing his lips down to brush hers. She gasped, but arched into his touch, returning his neediness instantly. Their kisses turned more demanding, Steve's tongue pushing past her lips to massage hers.

Darcy sighed, and the sound was like a direct line to his cock. He felt the desire stir in his gut, his dick harder with each stroke of their tongues. He thought of her bra in her white dress and wrapped an arm around her waist, bringing their hips together.

Darcy broke away from him. "Did the pizza turn you on too much?"

"You turn me on," Steve threw back, assessing her face. "Is this okay?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Darcy muttered. She glanced at his mouth that Steve knew was wet and pink. "I just didn't think you saw me that way."

"I was stupid," he murmured, kissing her lips lightly. "I should have asked you out the day we met."

"But I looked like shit that day. I wore my only clean shirt, my Tweetie Bird one," she replied.

"You're gorgeous," he said, kissing her again.

Her hands were under his t-shirt and feeling his stomach. She felt so soft and warm in his arms. He was a complete idiot. They could have been doing this for months.

They pulled back again, and Darcy panted.

"I don't mind if dinner gets cold, do you?" she whispered. She bit her plump lower lip and Steve stared at her.

"No, come on."

Darcy's heart was racing. She let them into her apartment, laying the pizza box on the marble counter in her kitchen area before she turned to Steve.

He was the most attractive person she'd ever laid eyes on and he was looking at her with dark eyes glazed with desire. She knew she was wet before when they kissed but the anticipation as they made their way to somewhere private only made her more spurred on.

Steve gathered her in his arms and lifted her. Darcy wrapped her legs around his waist and they kissed, slowly making their way to her bedroom.

The jackets fell to the floor on the way with soft thuds and Steve's hands fell to Darcy's ass, gripping her and making her gasp against his mouth.

Her bed was not made but that was the last thing on Darcy's mind. They landed together on the mattress with the covers drawn back, and Steve's hand went for the lamp on her bedside table. The room was flooded with warm yellow light.

"I wanna see you," he whispered, and Darcy felt her stomach flip.

Steve moved back on his knees to tug off his t-shirt. The sight of him shirtless took Darcy's breath away. He was intimidatingly good-looking, now. Darcy thought of her cellulite hidden beneath her dress.

He kissed her again, pressing his warm chest against hers as they lay down once more. They kissed for a while, exploring each other with hands and lips. Darcy felt hot all over and struggled a little to shimmy her dress up.

Steve helped her pull it off, eyes falling to her chest. Darcy was used to the attention her tits got her but Steve was more intense than she was used to. There was a fondness to his touch as he kissed her throat and trailed his hands down to touch her over the fabric of her bra.

His kisses were tender. It made Darcy's heart ache as he was lost in her body, hands gliding and squeezing. Darcy's hips rolled. She managed to undo the laces of her boots while Steve sucked at her neck, making her eyes flutter shut.

She kicked at her boots and they fell to the floor. They settled again, Darcy's hands going to the fly of Steve's pants. He drew back from her throat, his eyes wider than before.

"You want to do this?" she asked.

His lips looked ruined, just like Darcy's had to be. He nodded, swallowing. The bob of his throat was adorable.

Darcy kept her eyes glued to his as she stripped off her bra and underwear, trying desperately to keep her cool. Steve's eyes traveled up and down.

He looked away as if to compose himself. "Fuck," he whispered, letting out a long breath.

He looked back at her, his cheeks pinker. His hands fell to his pants, fingers shaking a little as he managed to pull down everything including his boxer briefs.

Darcy stared between his legs, seeing the pubic hair and his heavy cock bob as he was stripped of everything.

He lay on top of her again, and their mouths slanted together as Darcy felt his cock rub against her stomach. Darcy reached between them and stroked his cock, twisting on the down stroke and making him moan against her lips. The sound was intoxicating.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered.

He finally sank into her, Darcy's back arching once more as he bottomed out. His hips moved in shallow circles, their mouths never closing as they kissed again.

"Oh, fuck," Darcy moaned, as he began to move a little faster.

"We could've been doing this forever," he gasped, and they began to rut together with mounting desperation.

"How fucking stupid are we?" Darcy replied, and he laughed breathlessly.

She moaned again as his thumb pressed against her click.

"Steve, I'm close," she gasped.

"Me, too," he said. "I'm sorry."

She kissed him hard for that, feeling her toes begin to tingle. "It's great for a girl's ego."

Steve's chuckle turned into another moan and the only other sound was the sound of their skin slapping together.

When Darcy came she shuddered, twisting beneath him as her eyes squeezed shut, and Steve only managed a few more thrusts before releasing deep inside her.

The next morning Sam looked smug and Steve crossed his arms at him.

"I assume the escape room was a prank," Steve said, and Sam's smile deepened.

He clapped Steve on the shoulder. "You'd be right to assume," he replied. "But Natasha helped."

Steve should have known.