/

He had dreamed of Gloria again that night.

He was standing on the threshold and she was playing the violin not three steps away from him. And her music and her presence and the soft luster of her hair and her smile, and the serenity of her eyes were filling the room, filling his life. And he knew she was aware of his standing there though she was not looking at him.

And through it all there was a quiet dread, creeping in his heart. A dread that kept him from approaching her, from calling her name, from so much as stirring. As if something within him knew, that the moment he did this, everything would be smashed away...

He shot wide awake.

/

Next thing they noticed was Rush`s taking to walking the ship at night. That was definitely new. They were pretty used to his treating sleep as an unnecessary luxury, but they were not used to his spending his not- working –at- the –consoles time roaming the ship`s corridors. At first he would start whenever anyone came across him, but lately he wouldn`t even take any notice of anyone.

Some of them tried to talk to him. Eli, for one.

" Look, is it some new method of concentration that you are practicing?" he started companiably, falling in step beside Rush. " I hope you are on to something really stunning, then, for we have some pretty pressing matters on hand now that you..."

" That I atttended to half an hour ago," Rush cut in impatiently but without real acidity: rather, as if he were just motioning him absent-mindedly away.

"You did? Now, look, you couldn`t have! Why, there were about three separate circuits and Valker ..."

" Good-night, Eli."

" OK, OK, there was something else that I need to talk to you about."

"Yes, " this time there was a definite edge in his voice and he kept his face half- averted.

"You… you aren`t sleeping. " Eli just blurted out and, feeling that he was in for it now, plunged away in a desperate " in for a penny , in for a pound" way. "I mean... you can`t really go on like that, you know. Or rather, you don`t know that, which is why, I guess, you are doing it. And… " Eli`s voice died away - not so much because of the nonsense he was saying, but because of the weirdly Un-Rushian behavior of Rush. The man just stood there, looking at him and through him, not really hearing a single word, it seemed. If only Rush had exploded, or at least acted some in- character disdainful stuff- but- no. Nothing. A blank face, a weary stare. Hopeless, silent sorrow.

And so, dispiritedly, Eli finished " And here I am telling you this, you know."

Then he just shut up and looked at the man helplessly, not unlike a confused overgrown child.

It was probably this resemblance that automatically pulled Rush into some sort of awareness.

" You…" he threw his hair out of his eyes and the gesture seemed to lend his voice some of the usual crispness and assuredness. " You are on this ship as my assistant, not TJ`s, Eli . Just keep it this way."

"Aye, sir", Eli responded, feeling slightly, ever so slightly, reassured.

The feeling died away in a few minutes as he noticed the way Rush`s shoulders slumped as soon as he got far away - in his estimation - from Eli to be observed…

/

Still another dream.

This time she was not playing, just standing there, gazing at him with wise loving eyes. And he yearned so desperately for her touch, her word, that his breath caught, and his eyes stung. He knew, somehow he knew, that she was shielding him from something- from something that would overwhelm him, shatter him, break him. From a wild on-rush of pain and loneliness and guilt and indifference and lostedness…

And he was motionless. Numb.

And she gazed at him.

Loving.

Trusting.

Forgiving.

/

He woke with a half- gasp, half- sob. Drew a trembling hand across his eyes- it came away wet.

" Volker to Rush"

He was so disoriented that it took him a moment to switch on the radio.

"Rush here, " his voice was - strange. Half- choked.

There was a brief pause, then Volker, evidently swallowing whatever flippant remark he was about to make, said in a much too gentle a tone "Um...You told me to alert you whenever those red dots reappeared and... so I did."

He drew one more deep breath.

"OK. Coming".

Forcing himself to just - get up, had never seemed such trouble before.

/

He turned over a new leaf, rubbing his eyes with his hand, and wearily blinked a few times.

"Dr. Rush?"

TJ`s voice, soft as it was, made him start. He grunted something that, he hoped, she wouldn`t take for a greeting, deliberately lowered his eyes to his pad and started scribbling anew.

She was silent and he knew that she was regarding him closely. Her solitude neither irritated no touched him. He just wanted her to leave.

And he wanted her not to see how his hands were shaking ( he was past the trembling state, it seemed), and how his eyesight was blurring… And how he felt as if he were just a few steps away from something dark and hopeless that he would get lost in and never find his way out again.

Because there would be no one to reach out to.

No one to guide him out.

He gave it up when she settled down on the floor resting her head against the wall. Just gave everything up: his pad and his pencil and his pretence and his restraint.

" You need to talk, " TJ said gently. " Please... Please, just - do it. At least, try."

He was past abrupt, snappy responses, past lying, past shutting up. Just feeling tired and lost in darkness. Too tired to brush her away and not tired enough to do as she bid him.

And he shook his head slowly, quietly. Shut his eyes once more, seemingly forgetting about her presence, wrapped once more in himself, in that which was haunting him.

And yet TJ didn`t leave. She sat there, motionless, neither speaking, nor moving, merely letting him feel that there was someone in the darkness for him to hold on to - if he would.

If he could.