Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic!
Episode 3: A Duel In Love
Ah, Duel Academy Island. Another day of poor air-quality living. Some students had already taken to putting plastic covering over the window-shutters to help deflect some of the volcanic ash. Parents willingly sent their children there.
"So, like, there are Normal Monsters, Effect, Fusion, Ritual, and then there are Spell and Trap cards," recited Alexis Rhodes, standing at her seat in the middle of a lecture. "But then depending on how you want to do this, should I go into the other, dicier ones like Synchros, or do I keep it current? I can keep going."
"That is quite enough, Miss Rhodes," Crowler glowered from the head of the first-year classroom. "No wonder a marvel like you made it to Blue on your first try! Keep up that medium-awareness and you'll rule the Dueling world in no time!" Alexis sat back down as Crowler's eyes prowled the students like two hungry lions, searching for something to rip apart. Ah, Syrus, either "the dumb kid" or "the so-shy-he-turns-himself-dumb kid." The perfect scholastic sacrifice... "YOU THERE SYRUS!" Crowler screeched! She pointed at him and roared on, "FIELD SPELLS! NOW NOW NOW DO IT SAY IT"
"Whuuhuhh?! Aaahh," Syrus gasped, disarmed.
"GIVE IT TELL US SPELL CARDS GOT IT COME ON COME ON OUT WITH IT"
"I don't-I uh, the question?" The professor was walking closer, now alternating right and left points like two pistons.
"TELL US FIELDS WHAT'S FIELDS DON'T KNOW HUH DO YOU KNOW HUH HUH HUH HUH?"
"Now, thayut's whut I call a Slifer Slacker, I reckon he cain't even pay attention!" Billy Hills said matter-of-factly, like it were some kind of Aesop, even.
"Ha ha ha ha ha," a handful of terrible children laughed mechanically.
"Tee hee," said Chazz.
"I mean, um, gimme a second please," Syrus murmured to the floor. "It's, like, you um, you tap it..." Jaden, seated to Syrus' right, nudged him and flashed a thumbs-up.
"You got this booooeeeeeey," he promised.
"Thanks Jay," Syrus appreciated. He took a deep breath, he cleared his throat and he declared, "Field Spells such as Island and Plains are"
"Sit down, that will be all," rejected Crowler. Syrus' head made a loud 'THUNK' against the desk as his legs gave. "Now, will someone not wearing red give me a correct answer this time?"
"Ha ha ha ha ha," laughed the same people.
Jaden raised his hand. "Does everybody remember that time I beat you at Duel Monsters?" Then he jumped up on the desk and started doing that old stupid dance where you wave your hands over your wigglin' knees.
"Ha ha ha ha ha," the people laughed.
"HNNNNNGH!" growled Crowler, taking out an embroidered wetnap and pulling it with her teeth over-dramatically. "SHOWN UP BY A SLIFER! I'LL SHOW YOU, JADEN YUCKY!"
One class later, Professor Lyman Banner of the Slifer dormitory took the floor and pet his fat cat across his lap. "No, you see, the cat isn't the dorm head. I am."
"But if you say that, then why did the cat greet us at the dinner?"
"No no, he's MY cat, I was indisposed-"
"Teacher, can you get this man to leave the room? He's SCARING us."
As that happened, Dr. Crowler was hard at work in her office, which featured a real action suit of armor and a real action quill pen! Having just used it, she chucked the pen back in the ink well and surveyed the letter she'd just completed. "Boy am I petty," she self-congratulated. She stowed away her note in an envelope and sealed it with a kiss.
Another transition, another class-because of course, as with any high school setting, it's important to get the feeling that they really do have classes and learn in them. It matters to their world. For example: Gym class. Teaches your body how to move. How to groove. How to survive being attacked by hologram projections of ancient evil monsters. The class was properly sports jersey'd up and stood at attention in the Duel Gym, which deserves no further description. Jaden looked left, and he looked right. Then he looked dead ahead. "Hey, where's Syrus?" he said in a quarter-serious voice. Inside of the boy's locker room, Crowler crawled around like a secret agent, tippy-toes style.
"And now to locate Yucky-boy's locker..." She opened a locker. There were some generic school uniform shoes inside. She opened the next locker. More shoes were inside. She tried one more. Shoes. "Well...I guess this is...the best I can do for now..." She chucked it over her shoulder and left awkwardly. As she did, from the opposite end of the room, Syrus entered, sliding in like the worm he was. He sighed deeply.
"This is how I feel all the time," he announced, to nobody. It was pitiful. His forehead all of a sudden lost touch with the floor-he'd his parchment. "What's this?" He lifted his head up off the floor and locked eyes with-what else but a lipstick-marked letter? "OOOEEEH?" he inhaled. Gently, as if it were forbidden, he gripped the paper with his baby-small hands. "This is...for me? But I'm incredibly un-attractive! It doesn't make any sense!" He crinkled the envelope open and read deeply from the contents within:
I think you're pretty hot. Can we, like, talk this out over a hot kiss? I wanna see you. I'm free tonight at around 7 at the girl's Obelisk dorm. If you're as serious as I am, then I'll let you have me-but you have to prove it first.
-Alexis Rhodes
"HUBBA WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?" Syrus screamed to the heavens, as if he'd blasted a laser beam out of his mouth. Slowly gathering his wits back together, he came upon the startling realization-"I may not have to die alone in my old age after all!"
Night fell, and Jaden entered his dorm room in track suit and damp hair. Rubbing his tiny towel against it he said, "Man, if you can learn how to shower in an outhouse, I wanna see the tricks they can pull at an IN-house! Ha ha. Anyways, thing's all yours, Sy, get to it before the other thousand Reds figure out-"
"Syrus's not here," said Chumley, listening to some didgeridoo on headphones, snackin' on eucalyptus leaves and reading a koala magazine. "He ran out a minute ago, looked kinda stressed out."
"Huh."
Midway across the lake around the Obelisk Blue woods, Syrus was paddling a rowboat by himself, dressed in a fine children's tuxedo, with a bouquet of pink roses across his legs. "Okay but if in scenario twelve she thinks that the flowers are a tacky gesture I'll have to try appealing to her in some other way to prove my seriousness. Scenario thirteen could have me exclaiming my goal to become a proper Duelist and asking her to help me learn and grow to become a man worthy of her affections. She may like that. But judging from one day of classes this would likely lead to scenario fourteen where she thinks that's a weak, pitiful appeal based out of films written by men about guys who always get the girl as if that happens in real life. If I don't do that it leads to scenario fifteen where based on how we know nothing of each other except for basic looks she has an attraction to me based on my incredibly youthful looks and wants a little boy-like figure to fool around with. Normally that would be disturbing but I don't have the liberty to pick and choose a lover since I'm such a weak pathetic human being who should take what he should get. I would then have to appeal to her based on buzzwords like 'cuteness' and 'boyish.' Oh gosh but additional plans based on that contingency rely on me even making it to that stage...rrrrgh!" He scrunched his hands around through his hair in defeat and wailed, "NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK AND APPLY THIS KNOWLEDGE TO SCENARIOS ONE THROUGH SEVEN!"
A shadow traced around the lake's edge far ahead of Syrus in his crappy boat. The shade leaped over bushes, trapeezed along branches, all the way to the Obelisk dormitory gates, locked with strict chains wrapped around…but they were no match for the shadow's heavy-duty pliers. "Mwee hee hee," it laughed. Or rather, she. Crowler in her full-body ninja suit sneered. "Time to watch the fireworks..."
"Hey 'Lex, wanna go to the Obelisk wading pools?" asked a girl inside the building, loudly, apparently.
"Wait why do we have a hot springs? Are we American or not, who designed this place? Oh. Sorry. I thought you said hot springs. This place is just constantly weirding me out," apologized Alexis Rhodes.
Yes yes, discuss it up girls, be the catnip I so sorely need to pull off the plan of the century! Once that Jaden strolls in here like a fool… Crowler pulled a camera out from someplace, or something. I'll snap a photo so scandalous he'll be sent home to Mama Eminem, or whatever the rapsters are calling themselves these days! Come, come and be smote with pubescent humiliation…!
"AAAHHHHH!" screamed Syrus as a flock of teenage girls whacked him with ropes.
"A BOY!"
"GIT'M, GIT'M!"
"ME NEXT!"
Disappointedly, Crowler sank back into the brush and took a mental note: Remember to force faculty to assign shoe name tags next year.
A short while later, Syrus had been properly contained in an iron cage built too inches too small within the grand foyer of the dormitory. There was, like, a lion head fountain in the middle for no reason, and, the whole walls, they were GOLD I think, like wow. Three Duelists of the female persuasion leered at him, arms folded. Angry McArgue, the red-headded step-child. Nancy Wut, the black-haired gal whose eyes drifted in opposite directions. And the big boss herself: Alexis Rhodes, the one we know already. "So, ready to explain yourself?" Alexis asked.
"I don't understand what's happening, I got your letter!" petitioned Syrus. "Did you forget?"
"More like you forgot to SHUT UP!" Angry McArgue yarped, stomping on the cage.
"Nyeep!"
"I got this, guys," Nancy Wut declared, taking a step forward. She pulled Syrus' letter out of her pocket. "See, this!" She stuck it in Alexis' face at a proper reading distance.
"I…didn't write this," Alexis stated.
"Alexis, you don't have to lie," Syrus said softly. "I ran through every possible simulation in my head, and I came to the decision that you don't deserve a loser like me. Simulation 74 is the most positive result for you, where you realize you're too good for me and go on to greener pastures while I die alone. Which is how it should be. I'm sorry…but it's for the best."
"First off." Alexis pointed to the back of the letter. It was marked in bright red letters, 'FOR JADEN YUCKY ha ha.'
"Son of a gun," Syrus gasped.
"Secondly, I thought I'd established that Zane Truesdale is freaking hot, and I'm still slowly trying to unravel what makes him tick," she stated proudly. She licked her lips a little.
"Oh don't get me wrong, I understand," gulped Syrus Truesdale. "So does this mean I've fallen for a trick that wasn't even meant for me?"
"And that you didn't come to bug the girl's bathrooms to send a video feed to the darkweb for only the highest bidders?" checked Angry McArgue. Everyone looked at her. "What? He might have!"
"Girls?" chimed Ms. Fonda Fontaine, the fancy schmancy gym teacher with like a ponytail on the front of her head, because Yu-Gi-Oh hair is special. She stepped out from a second-floor walkway overlooking the area in full beddybye attire, robe and all. "Just what's going on down there? Hmm?"
"Ah!" yelled Angry McArgue, whisking Syrus' cage off the floor and presenting it proudly.
"Eep," he said.
"Tut tut, you girls know that you shouldn't keep pet monkeys in cages too small for them to sit up properly," she instructed. "I expect you three to fix that in the morning. Poor little guy…you kids make me sick." And with that she left.
"Grr," said Angry McArgue.
"So what now?"
"Well, I'm bored, so let's screw around," Alexis decided. She pulled out her PDA and immediately told it, "Hey, we're gonna kill Syrus, so…"
Two seconds later, Jaden tackle-dove out of his boat and onto the dirt opposite Alexis and her galz, who had Syrus hogtied like a rodeo dikdik. "What're you doin' to my friend, dawg? And I don't mean that in a derogatory manner!" Jaden demanded.
"Oh, he came on female dorm premises, so I decided to use him to lure you out, so we could Duel or something," Alexis shrugged.
"I'm not actually in danger," said Syrus.
"Quiet, hostage!" said Nancy Wut as she stomped his head.
"Hey hey! Fine, I'll Duel you already! Just let'm go!"
"Kay, thanks. If you win, I won't tell security on you guys." Alexis bent down and pulled gently on the tip of Syrus' rope, almost instantly unfurling the knot completely.
"Jaden, I'm sorry. I forgot that my trying anything ruins everything for everybody."
"That's okay Sy," said Jaden.
"…You were supposed to follow that up with something encouraging."
"Not tonight, you really screwed the pooch on this one yo."
"Dang it."
Both parties rowed out to the center of the lake to avoid being caught by the sounds of their gnarly card game. On one boat stood Jaden, half-excited and half-disturbed by the notion of no more free school lunches. On the other was Alexis, what, what was she doing? Oh, looks like she's chewing on some bubble gum. That's cool. Each wore their fancy playin' Duel Disk. "I hope this doesn't end in utter humiliation!" supposed Syrus, accepting it.
Further into the water was a floating Crowler, eyes peeled for action. "Ooh hoo hoo, maybe I will see Yucky-boy humiliated by an Obelisk tonight! I should've packed dehydrated snacks…"
"Let's do it!"
(Jaden and Alexis: 4000 Life Points)
"Get yer game on, Alexis," Jaden pushed.
"Is that harassment?" yelled Angry McArgue.
Ignoring that, Alexis placed a card on her card-playin' device and announced, "I play Etoile Cyber and a face-down card." Some sort of figure skater with ribbons on her arms appeared in front of an untriggered Trap card.
"M-HM!" she hmmed, or something.
(Etoile Cyber: 1200 Attack Points)
"Alright then, tonight I'm gonna have to be serious about things," Jaden swore, drawing his next card, "so I'm about to throw down here in Water Town! I summon the Elemental Hero Sparkman, here to give ya a li'l razzle dazzle fo' shnazzle!"
"Please stop slanging," Syrus begged, humiliated. Some kind of blue-leotarded man with a cool helmet and I think a golden bulletproof vest appeared; he also had some sharp pylons on his back for some reason!
(Elemental Hero Sparkman: 1600 Attack Points)
"I'mma attack your Etoile Cyber! Sparkman, give her a shock to her system with superhero Static Shock, whoop whoop!"
"I like this guy," Nancy Wut decided. Sparkman stretched one hand outward, revealing a golden orb pulsing with electric potential. A cascade of sparks transformed into a full-on boltic lance that shot across the water.
"Pssh, I can take 1600. I activate the Trap card Doble Passe!" Up flipped her Trap card, featuring some lonely dancer lady wearing a creepy smiley mask. "Your attack on my Monster becomes a direct attack to me!" As the bolt of electricity approached the Etoile Cyber, she suddenly skated and twirled across the water, aka unfrozen ice! The electric bolt electrocuted Alexis herself instead. She convulsed with pain for a moment before regaining composure and straightening her sleeveless blazer. She began to say something, but cartoonish black smoke billowed out of her mouth instead.
(Alexis: 2400 Life Points)
"Heh heh, that is good for me," said Jaden.
"Also it deals damage to you equal to the target's Attack," Alexis added. Etoile Cyvber spun across the water with one leg fully extended, and plowed it right into Jaden's face!
"Oh. GUWAAAAH!" he squealed.
(Jaden: 2800 Life Points)
"This is fun, huh? Wanna try something else I can counter?" Alexis invited.
By this point, Crowler was just chowing down on damp popcorn.
"I'll end it here for now," Jaden decided with a tentative gulp.
"Ah, and check the Duel Monsters wiki. Doble Passe's second effect is that my targeted monster can attack you directly on my next turn," Alexis added.
"What? That can't be right!" Syrus shrieked.
"I don't know about you, but I play by TCG rules, not anime rules, bitch. And also, Etoile Cyber gains 500 Attack Points while she Attacks Directly," Alexis added. Etoile Cyber's armribbons unfurled as she spun around and around, extending into a sharp razor field of death around her. Once she got close enough, she scored a deep slash on Jaden from three meters away.
"OUCHIES!" he cried.
(Jaden: 1100 Life Points)
"And now, in my Main Phase 2," Alexis began.
"There was a Main Phase 1? What is this game?" panicked Syrus.
"I'll summon Blade Skater to the field!" Etoile Cyber continued her manic spin around the field like a screaming top of death as a purple pirate-earring skater lady slid onto the water! Given the low friction however, she slid backward eighteen feet before embarrassedly scooting back to her proper place on the water.
"Uh, hi," she greeted sheepishly.
(Blade Skater: 1400 Attack Points)
"Now, Polymerization!" Alexis tossed a Spell onto her Duel Disk; Etoile Cyber twirled and twirled until she bumped right into Blade Skater an bowled 'em both over.
"OOF!" they said! But their bodies liquified and combined in a cyclone swirl, fusing into a brand new form: some long green-haired skater lady with cool shades! "Ho yeah!" she said all cool-like.
(Cyber Blader: 2100 Attack Points)
"You can't fuse a monster out of Sparkman to beat her; when you have one monster on the field, Blade Skater can't be destroyed by battle. You can't summon a stronger monster to go with him; when you have two monsters, her Attack Points double. You can't swarm the field with special effects, because when you have three, all your card effects are negated," Alexis narrated self-assuredly. "I've got the Duel Academy meta handled all in one card, I know how simple peoples' strategies are here. But if you want to give it a try…"
"Woo!" cheered Nancy Wut, waving a foam #1 finger around.
"This isn't good," Angry McArgue grouched. "If Alexis wins I may run out of things to complain about."
"There's just one thing you forgot about there Alexis," said Jaden. "Hey Sy! You're gonna love this card: Fusion Gate!" Jaden slipped a special Spell into a little side compartment on his Duel Disk…
"Is that a joke about the Field Spell thing? Are you…being mean to me?" Syrus gasped.
"Uh, I hope not?" A mystery swirl and a field of polygonal lines traced the water, as if it would make the game field look somewhat cooler. Your mileage may vary on that one. "This card lets both players do Fusion Summons without Polymerization, and so I'll be removing the Sparkman from my field with the Elemental Hero Clayman in my hand!" A big ol' bulky man o' clay jumped onto the field and sank into the void with Sparkman. The water splashed and raged until a brand new hero splashed back out, one wearing a heavy-duty plasma ball-holdin' chest plate over a purple jumpsuit, with claws I think? Because it's part of his good guy superhero suit? Well, he was big, and that's reassuring.
(Elemental Hero Thunder Giant:2400 Attack Points)
"Oh, crap…what's his power again?" Alexis checked as her spirit sank.
"I discard a card. He blows away a monster with less original Attack Points than he has."
"Okay. Figures." A bolt of lightning struck Cyber Blader and she exploded into a storm of bloody chunks! It was totally freaky! Like, yecch! Crowler even threw up!
"And now TG (that's Thunder Giant yo, just so ya know, it's fer short), attack her with-"
"I fold," announced Alexis.
(Alexis: 2400 - 0 Life Points, Game Over)
Elemental Hero Thunder Giant exploded into squishy red pieces as well! It was just horrible! Oh my gosh! "My eyes!" Syrus cried.
"Hey, you got me!" Alexis admitted. "Sucks, I forgot that other people actually know about hard removal in this game…I got countered."
"So, are we cool or what?" asked Jaden. "Are you going to let us go free now?"
"It was an obvious lie, you know," Alexis said. "Did you really think I was really gonna have you guys thrown out over a dumb prank?"
"That was scenario forty-eight, actually," Syrus clarified.
"No hard feelings?" She offered an open hand between boats. The winner snatched a paddle out of Syrus' mitts, slapped it across the water, jettisoning their raft towards Alexis', and went PA-YOW, slappin' her a strong five.
"I can't stay mad at anyone who's got game!" he giggled.
"Ouch. Don't do that."
"I'm still lonely," said Syrus.
"Come on! Why can't we turn 'em in?" Angry McArgue argued. "I mean look, a teacher is right there!" She motioned to Crowler, dressed in a black bodysuit, sitting scrunched up fetus style bobbing around in the light surf, surrounded by unpopped popcorn kernels and a cloud of barf floating ominously near.
"I just realized that I am teaching a class tomorrow morning," muttered Professor Crowler.