Gilbert opened his eyes without knowing when he had closed them. One of the pillows was gathered in his arms, like a stuffed animal, and, as he shifted, he realized it was really warm inside the tent. He stretched out his legs and then turned a little more. Roderich was curled up against him, towards the small of his back, and Gilbert would have felt all happy about it if he wasn't so groggy and wondering how the heck he wound up as the little spoon.
The rain had stopped, although water would still drop down on their tent from the trees every so often. And Gilbert stayed there, thinking about absolutely nothing, his eyes taking longer and longer to open after blinks, until he felt Roderich move against his back. Then he remembered the kiss and the urge to sleep scuttled away faster than it took for his heart to pound out an extra beat and send heat creeping up around his face and ears.
Roderich let out a light little sigh and stretched; Gilbert was reminded of a cat. And he knew the moment the other boy fully woke up when his head shot up and he looked around, squinting.
Gilbert stared at him with eyes wider than he'd have liked. "Morning there, sunshine," he said.
Roderich's brow was furrowed. "What time is it?" he asked.
Gilbert shrugged. "Does it matter?" he asked. His whole body felt tense.
Roderich's shoulders slumped a little, his expression relaxing a bit. "I suppose not," he replied.
That's when Gilbert couldn't stand it anymore and hopped up, unzipped the tent, and stood up outside, breathing in the rainy air. It always smelled so good, the rain - so fresh. The ground had turned to sludge, but he didn't mind it. He just needed to get his body moving. So many things had happened and he felt like his brain couldn't keep it all in. Like that kiss. He went to the little river and splashed some water in his burning face. He couldn't believe he had just gone ahead and went for it, just swooped in and kissed him.
But then, Roderich had kissed him back, so he guessed it was okay? He wasn't really sure what to think about that. Did that make them a thing or something? Like a couple? Or was Roderich the sort to be swept away with a moment and he was going to take it back later?
"I'm gonna try finding something dry to burn," Gilbert said and marched off into the trees. Pine needles would get stuck to his feet, but at least he had more space to think, more distance. He wasn't sure if he could handle talking to Roderich while his brain was a mess, but he knew he needed to - he knew he wanted to. Roderich just seemed way too okay with kissing him.
After he found enough dry material to start a fire with and, in turn, dry out the wet stuff they had gathered before, he began to build one. Roderich was going around and gathering the things they had left out when rushing to get in the tent. He poured out mugs in the river and set them up in a little line near the fire.
"So uh," Gilbert said, startling Roderich into knocking a mug over. He cleared his throat. "I guess I'm a little confused." That was an understatement.
"About what?" Roderich asked, fixing the mug. He wasn't looking him in the eye which, for some reason, helped calm Gilbert down enough to continue.
"About all the things," Gilbert replied. "I mean, we, uh, we kissed." He could feel his face flush again. "Right?"
Roderich snickered. "No," he said and rolled his eyes. "We just hallucinated the entire thing."
Gilbert frowned. "Anyways," he said. "You didn't, uh, seem to hate it or, or anything. So I guess I'm not sure why."
Roderich paused. "You're not a bad kisser, if that's what you're wondering," he replied.
"No!" Gilbert scowled. "I mean, you're a dude and I'm a dude and yet you weren't freaked out or anything by it!"
Roderich sat down. "What do you want to know?" he asked.
Gilbert hesitated, trying to figure out what it was he actually wanted to ask. "Do you, uh, like me? Like that?"
He had thought Roderich was more calm than he was, but the other boy's face turned red. "Yes," he mumbled, looking off to the side. "For a long time, now."
A long time? They had only just started talking a few days ago, when the whole expedition started. "What do you mean?" Gilbert asked.
"You know," Roderich said, gesturing vaguely with his hands. "Since we first met."
That had Gilbert sinking down into thought. When had they met? And how could Roderich like him if they didn't even really talk beforehand? And then he remembered being introduced to him by Lizzie, some day last semester at Chipotle. Roderich had been so out of place there, having a hard time ordering by himself until Lizzie helped him choose something. Gilbert had been mildly annoyed with him even then - because of his indecision, the way he seemed to cling to Lizzie. But if he had been nervous about Gilbert, then dang.
"Oh," was the only thing he could think of to say.
Roderich sort of nodded and their conversation turned to silence.
After some time poking at the fire, Gilbert got tired of the quiet, of the stillness that surrounded them, and remembered something he had brought with him. Roderich looked up from the book he was reading as Gilbert stood up and walked over to his backpack, dig around a little, before holding up his little radio with triumph. He felt like Link from Legend of Zelda and wished he had the appropriate music.
It crackled when he turned it on and he jumped a little before adjusting the volume. All the while he was tuning it, trying to catch some sort of station, he could tell Roderich would look up from his book on occasion - just little glances, but it made Gilbert hyperaware of his own movements. And then the radio caught hold of a tune, something upbeat but without words, and then flickered out again, so Gilbert was careful to move the dial just a little at a time. The melody came back.
He moved his head to it, his shoulders, giving Roderich a goofy grin. The other boy raised an eyebrow, so Gilbert stood up and took the book away before grabbing his hands.
"What are you doing?" Roderich whined, watching as Gilbert set the book to the side.
"Dancing!" Gilbert replied. "With you!"
Roderich gave him one of his better, "You have got to be shitting me," faces. "I can't dance," he said.
"Neither can I!" Gilbert said. He couldn't make his grin go away. He took hold of Roderich's waist and hand before swinging them wildly around their campsite.
Roderich let out a startled yell, head moving back and forth to see where they were going.
Gilbert felt like whatever he was doing, it was somewhere in between a waltz and swing dancing. The music felt jazzy to him, but he wasn't an expert on music other than the good old fashioned rock and roll. He pulled Roderich closer, enjoying the way he laughed when Gilbert tried getting him to move like him. Their pace slowed down and, even though the static filled jazz kept insisting they do something with more pizzazz, Roderich rested his head against Gilbert's shoulder.
Gilbert's heart was thudding in his chest and it was a miracle his legs were still supporting him. He was sure Roderich could feel it, the way his chest was flush against Roderich's. And then the other boy looked up and Gilbert realized they had stopped moving about and instead were sort of swaying. And Roderich looked so pretty and they were so close that Gilbert cupped his face and leaned in-
A shrill whistle shot through the air and the two of them jumped.
Gilbert had heard that whistle before. It was with a mixture of joy and dread that he remembered what they were for and went to find his own. Roderich was watching him with a furrowed brow and, as Gilbert put the whistle up to his lips and blew, his expression got darker.
"What is that?" Roderich asked, but from his tone, Gilbert could tell he had already kind of guessed.
Gilbert let out a nervous chuckle, not wanting to actually explain it. "Well, you see, if you ever, uh, get separated from your group, you can do a bunch of things. You can decide on a checkpoint and meet everyone there or, if you can't move or, uh, get lost," he looked down at his whistle and wet his lips, "you can use this whistle. You can shout and whatever all you want, but eventually your voice is going to fail, right? So that's why they made this whistle."
Roderich looked at the whistle, then up to Gilbert, back to the whistle - but with squinty eyes, and then moved that expression back up at Gilbert. If Gilbert had to name that look, it would be, "I don't believe this shit."
The whistles kept happening and for each time, Roderich would cover his ears. Eventually they got closer until Alfred stumbled through some bushes while Tony, Lizzie, and Lavina walked around it a few moments later.
"Dude!" Alfred said, his face lighting up. But before Gilbert could say anything, Al put a finger and let out three whistles.
"What took you guys so long?" Gilbert asked, accepting the hug Tony had for him.
"Why do you smell good?" Tony asked and Gilbert shoved him away.
"We thought you guys would get there eventually," Alfred said.
"We definitely forgot about you," Lavina replied, giving him a half bored, half pissed expression.
"How have you been?" Lizzie asked Roderich, who was blushing scarlet for some reason. It gave Gilbert a frown he couldn't explain.
"So are you gonna tell us?" Alfred asked, clapping a hand to Gilbert's shoulder.
He nodded in Roderich's direction. "You should really be asking him," he replied. "He's the one who got us lost."
"Lost?" Lizzie said.
"You're seriously not that far off the path," Lavina said, shifting her weight to one foot.
Tony smiled at her and when she noticed, she glared and looked away.
"Well, it's a good thing you stopped then," Alfred said. "Who knows how far you would have traveled." Two whistles shot through the air, making Roderich and Lavina jump. So Alfred sent out another set of three and it continued like that until Mattie, Frankie, Ludwig, and Feliciana came marching out from the trees.
Frankie did the same thing Tony did upon reaching him, except he added a rough head ruffle. "Why is your hair so soft?" Frankie asked. He was taller than Gilbert and had gone about inspecting the top of his head.
Gilbert shoved him away. "Dumbass," he said, fixing his hair so that it wasn't stabbing him in the eye.
Lavina made a beeline for her sister and the two of them started chatting.
Ludwig frowned a little, but Gilbert gave him a smile and it disappeared into obvious relief. So Gilbert stuck out his tongue and wiggled his ears, making Ludwig roll his eyes. So long as he wasn't actually worried.
With the sun sinking, Alfred and Mattie thought it best to make their way to the car. Roderich and Gilbert's things were packed away in a flurry of helping hands and they were off, everyone talking about their adventures and how the weather played into them. It wasn't long until they reached where the dirt met pavement and though there was still some light from the setting sun, the streetlights were already flickering on.
Backpacks, jackets, and fishing rods were thrown into the backs of cars, everyone buckled up, and soon they were back on the road. Gilbert leaned back against the headrest of his seat, watching dark shapes and dim lights whirl past his window. He shifted his gaze out the front, instead, but it wasn't any better - just the dashes from the street whizzing by, forming an almost solid line.
He tried not to glance at Roderich, not with Alfred and Matthew so close, but as it grew darker, he couldn't help it. Roderich had his arm propped up on the armrest, his head in his hand, staring out his own window. And Gilbert didn't like that - being ignored. So Roderich probably wasn't really ignoring him, but if he really did like Gilbert, wouldn't he be at least sort of nervous sitting next to him?
So Gilbert casually put his hand down on the seat and casually inched it over the fabric until he could get his pinky to prod at Roderich's leg. Needless to say, Roderich flinched like someone being woken up with cold water to the face.
"You okay there?" Alfred asked, peering into the rearview mirror.
"Yeah," Roderich said. "Yeah, just fine."
"Oh yeah," Mattie piped up. "We decided we were going to stop for food on the way. Um, back at camp, we decided."
"I could definitely use a bathroom," Roderich said. "A real bathroom. With running water."
Alfred and Gilbert laughed while Roderich glanced at Gilbert with a frown.
"Dude, me neither," Al replied. "I like camping and all, but there's nothing like going back home to all the instant stuff - hot water, microwaves, a comfy bed - yeah."
Soon after, they pulled over at a McDonalds on account of Alfred's "burning desire for hot, salty fries." They spilled in like a team of zombies-turned-human. Maybe that was a little dramatic, though Gilbert would definitely say they had all seen better days. They stood around the entrance for a while, deciding on what to do.
"I, for one, need to use the restroom," Frankie said.
"How about ordering first, so that while it's being made, those who need to use it can go?" Mattie suggested.
Frankie smiled at him and nodded. Gilbert got the feeling something might just form between them, though whether it was a relationship or friendship, he couldn't tell. He also didn't really care, as he was far more focused on everything Roderich was doing - what he was ordering, what his face looked like in response to Lizzie's comments. He could care later, when his own romantic interest wasn't being weirdly dodgy.
And so when everyone had settled down with their food and Tony got back from the bathroom, Roderich hopped up to go. A few moments after he did, Gilbert pushed his tray away from him and announced, "I'm gonna go after Roddy."
There were two single person bathrooms, which wasn't surprising, Alfred had said, for being so far out in the mountains. And so Gilbert stood there feeling awkward about himself for a full minute before deciding his time would be better spent leaning against the wall. And then the door swung open and Gilbert wasted no time in pushing Roderich back inside.
"What are you doing?" Roderich asked, eyebrows up.
"I just wanted to make sure of something," Gilbert said and swooped in for a kiss. Roderich made a noise, but then he was pressing forward - kissing back. And it was like everything settled back down into place, that his worries were baseless, silly.
Roderich tilted his head and brought his hands up to Gilbert's chest, to the back of his neck, until his arms were practically draped over Gilbert's shoulders. And Gilbert's hands started up with Roderich's face before they were suddenly around Roderich's waist. He wasn't entirely sure when that happened.
Gilbert was the first to pull away, looking into Roderich's blue eyes, which looked almost sleepy. He smiled and Roderich smiled back. It was okay. Everything was okay.
"I think," Gilbert said and licked his lips. "I think you should go back first."
Roderich nodded and straightened his glasses. "Yeah," he replied.
Gilbert pretended to fix Roderich's hair, but really he just liked the feel of it. He cupped Roderich's face, kissed him again, and said, "Alright. Alright, yeah, go."
The other man nodded and the moment he walked out the door, Gilbert leaned against the tiled wall and let out a sigh. He wasn't sure how he was going to keep this up. He didn't like being teased by Frankie and Tony, but he also didn't like not being with Roderich. He shrugged, glanced at himself in the mirror, and decided that was a problem for another day.
When he waltzed back over to the group, he practically chirped, "Next," at them.
"What are you so happy about?" Frankie asked, lifting one of his ridiculously trimmed eyebrows.
Gilbert stared at him, missing a few beats in what should be a normal conversation, and said, "Do I look happy?"
"Yeah, you're grinning stupidly," Tony replied, his mouth full of burger.
"Well, I just took a massive shit, so whoever goes in there is not gonna be happy," Gilbert replied, taking his seat.
There was a chorus of "Oh gross!" and "Nasty!" around the tables. Roderich met his eye for a moment, but they both looked away and Gilbert couldn't help the way his smile grew.
Halfway through eating his burger, Frankie threw a french fry at Gilbert.
"So what happened in those woods?" he asked.
Gilbert swallowed. "What do you mean?" he asked, taking a drink of his soda.
"You were lost for an awful long time," Frankie continued, eying him like he knew exactly what had happened and just needed confirmation.
"We already told you-"
"We, hm. Well, I know that you told me things," Frankie said, one side of his mouth curling up.
Gilbert rolled his eyes, but he could feel his ears beginning to warm. Goddamn his ears. "Well, we just did random shit to pass the time. Games, reading, fishing, music-" his ears got warmer, "-uh, drawing. Stupid shit."
"Mhmm," Francis said, drawing out a long silence as he drank from his soda, but didn't break eye contact.
"So, so anyways," Gilbert said, picking apart a french fry. He looked up and saw Antonio watching Lavina. "So Tony."
He turned around like he had been static-shocked.
"What?" he asked, as if he had already missed part of what had been said to him.
Gilbert nodded toward Lavina, who was talking with her sister and turned her entire back towards Antonio. Not suspicious at all. "What's up with that?" he asked.
Tony looked at her and it was like his entire face relaxed into a sloppy looking smile. "Isn't she pretty?" he sighed.
"Um," Gilbert replied. "Okay, that answers that."
After they ate, they all wandered back out to the parking lot as if reluctant to make the trip, but eager for beds with mattresses and soft blankets. They didn't talk much but instead climbed into their respective vehicles like they weren't even thinking.
Alfred turned on the car and with it came the radio, suddenly too loud for their ears. When conversation dwindled and the road seemed to stretch on forever, Al cranked a few dials and suddenly cold air was blasting through the car.
"Nobody gets to sleep," he said. "Cause driving in silence and in the dark is really boring."
"That's the time you get to think to yourself, though," Mattie replied. "It's nice." He yawned, covering his mouth.
"I don't want to think," Al replied.
Despite his best efforts to keep them awake, Mattie snuggled down in his seat, pulled up the hood of his jacket, and closed his eyes anyways.
"Fuckin' Canadians," Al mumbled.
"It's got nothing to do with being Canadian," Mattie mumbled back.
"Bullshit," Al said, but this time his cousin didn't respond.
Gilbert wasn't overly fond of waking up without remember having fallen asleep. The only times he approved of them was when sleep was the intended goal. His window revealed even more darkness, but with significantly more streetlights. He recognized some of the buildings whizzing by - they were on the highway. Roderich's hand was in his - something Gilbert had managed to pester Roderich to agree to - though the owner was breathing deep and even.
He looked over to Alfred's eyes in the rearview mirror, but they were focused on the road. Despite having said earlier that he didn't want anyone falling asleep, Al had turned the music down; it was only a murmur of soft words against the sound of the engine.
It almost sounded like Roderich gasped when he woke - just a short, quick breath and he was stretching. His hand disappeared from Gilbert's the moment he realized it was there, which shouldn't have bothered Gilbert as much as it did. Roderich was very obviously not the 'public display of affections' sort.
"Have a nice nap, did you?" Alfred asked and something about his tone made Gilbert look up at the mirror again. Alfred's eyes flit between the road and Gilbert. He had definitely noticed.
"Best I've had in days," Gilbert responded, gritting his teeth against the flush spreading across his neck and ears. It was dark, nobody could see.
Alfred let out a weird sort of 'ugh' noise, one that stretched a little, with his eyes rolled upwards. "It was so boring. I'm glad we're almost there. I love driving and all, but you really have to be in the mood to think if you're going at it alone," he said.
When they finally did arrive, students were still milling about the campus despite the time. It made Gilbert suddenly aware that on any normal day, he wouldn't have been so tired. It left him feeling weird, displaced, so he shook his head and hopped out of the car. He grabbed Roderich's backpack before the other boy could even speak.
"That's mine," Roderich said, after getting over the apparent shock it had given him.
"Astute observation," Gilbert replied. He started walking towards the dorm along with everyone else.
"I can carry it just fine," Roderich said.
"And yet another," Gilbert said and grinned. "You're on a roll today, Roddy."
He scowled, eyebrows bunching up. "You know what I mean," he said. "And don't call me that."
Gilbert smirked. "But it suits you so well."
The fluorescent lighting only made Gilbert's tired eyes feel heavier. He stomped up stairs and, upon passing Antonio, nodded told him he'd need the room for a little while. Tony glanced at Roderich and nodded. His usual smile was gone and if Gilbert had to say why, he'd guess it had something to do with the way Lavina's glare was set on him.
When they finally reached Gilbert's room, Roderich was nearly able to snatch his bag back when Gilbert dug around in his pockets for the keys. The air was stale when they walked in, difficult to breathe. So Gilbert threw open a window, letting in all the sounds of the roadwork around them.
"So what do you want?" Roderich asked, crossing his arms.
Gilbert flopped down on the floor. "I want to talk."
"About?"
"Us."
Roderich's eyebrows furrowed as he looked away, off to the corner where there was a growing pile of clothes. The expression made Gilbert's stomach flip, and not in the good way.
"So," Gilbert said, leaning back against Antonio's bed. Gilbert got the top bunk; it hadn't taken them too long to decide that. "Are we dating now, or. Or what?"
Roderich let out a sigh that made Gilbert's stomach drop a little. His eyes wandered up to the ceiling. "I just. I don't know. I don't think we should, to be perfectly honest."
"How come?" Gilbert spat out faster than he could think.
The other man looked down at his hands. "I just don't see it working out," he replied. "I mean, you were originally straight to begin with and then we'll be going back to our own countries after the year is over. It just doesn't make sense."
Gilbert watched Roderich's face, like maybe he was looking for a sign that he was joking. But Roderich didn't look up. It didn't make sense, with the way Roderich had acted in the forest. And then now?
"When did you decide this?" Gilbert asked.
"In the car," Roderich said. "On our way to get food."
And then suddenly the weird feeling of doubt made sense. Roderich had been acting off.
Gilbert let out air through his nose. "And you just, what? Let me kiss you? And then in the fucking car? Jesus Christ."
"I'm sorry," Roderich mumbled. "I thought it could just, just end. With the day."
Gilbert wasn't even sure where to begin. For one, he didn't like being led on when the other party had no intention of keeping it going. He'd have rather had a nice, cold denial. A straight up refusal. And Roderich was just giving up so easily. For such stupid reasons.
"First off, I wasn't straight, per say," Gilbert said. "I mean, I'm not. To be honest, I'm not really sure what I am, but I think I'm asexual. But I also don't mind genders, so I guess I'm kind of bi too? Just not with all that gross sex stuff." He could feel his cheeks heating up from the topic. "Anyways, and then dude. Germany and Austria are right next to each other. It'd take us like, what? A day of travel? Maybe not even that, depending on where we both live."
"It's still long distance," Roderich said.
"Not that long distance," Gilbert insisted. "There are buses and trains and shit. I could probably walk and still get there in the same day."
Roderich let out a laugh, which in turn made Gilbert smile. He crawled over to sit next to him.
"See? I think it could work out. And then after we finish school, maybe we could find jobs closer to each other or something, assuming we're still together," Gilbert said.
"Yeah?" Roderich asked, his voice quiet.
"Yeah," Gilbert replied and took hold of his hand.
Roderich finally looked up at him with a soft smile and Gilbert was glad he had tried reassuring him instead of just giving up.
And then the door swung open and the words, "Have you seen my compass?" died on Lizzie's lips as she took in what was happening. Roderich snatched his hand back, but it was too late, she was already grinning. Sadiq stood behind her, leaning against the doorframe.
"Uh huh," she said, crossing her arms. "I fuckin' knew it. Sorry to have interrupted."
"Wait," Gilbert said, scrambling to get up.
But Lizzie just cackled and walked back out. Sadiq threw him a smirk before the door closed again. And she was still cackling when Gilbert wrenched it back open.
"We all knew it," she was saying to her boyfriend. "We set them up. The whole thing. Didn't expect them to get lost, but hey, added bonus." She laughed again, a little less evil that time.
Gilbert closed the door and sighed. Whatever. He wasn't complaining.