Warning: AU (modern), language, substance abuse, graphic imagery
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur
Rating: R
Inspired by: One Real Thing by Anah Crow and Dianne Fox
Summary: The course of true love never did run smooth. Arthur and Merlin knows this all too well.
Author: Spirit
A/N: Chapter has been edited to comply with rating. If you'd like to read the original NC-17 version you can find it on my LJ at coeur-de-ma-vie. Please be warned that this isn't your typical Merlin/Arthur fic. The relationship is and will be shown to be somewhat different from the usual. It isn't disturbing, just different. All I ask is that you'll give it a chance and hopefully, by the end, you'll understand it and enjoy reading the fic as I've enjoyed writing it.
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ALL THE COMPLEXITIES
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You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
And you're still here.
Everything by Alanis Morissette
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Part Three
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Merlin couldn't sleep.
It wasn't sleeping on the pristine white couch that he had a problem with, as he had remedied that situation by assuming his usual position on the floor at the base of the bed once Arthur settled in for the night. It was Arthur, and how close he was, and how much Merlin had missed having Arthur in the same room, the same city, with him. It was Merlin, and not knowing how he was going to deal when he had to leave Arthur behind again. He hated how he felt lying in the dark, listening to Arthur's soft breaths as Arthur slept, and already aching with the pain of missing Arthur.
When Arthur was better, and God how Merlin needed him to get better so badly, this would all end and they would go back to being best friends who lived oceans apart. Merlin knew he would wake up from this beautiful dream where Arthur was here, safe, and close enough to touch, close enough to see.
And then Arthur would meet someone else, someone who didn't crash their car possibly on purpose in an effort to kill them both, and Merlin would disappear again.
'I should. I should disappear. I should let him be happy. Need him to be happy, even without me.' Merlin thought miserably.
Since sleep wouldn't come, Merlin opted for a distraction.
Grabbing his phone he dialled Morgana's personal mobile number. In the dark he could just make out Arthur lying on the bed and even though it was risky, Merlin moved the phone away from his ear long enough to lean across the bed and press a kiss to Arthur's cheek. Arthur smelled so good, his skin felt so nice against Merlin's lips that Merlin wanted to kiss him again and again and lose himself in tasting Arthur and touching Arthur.
Merlin's insides clenched into a tight knot and he physically had to wrench himself away with a tiny gasp. It didn't do to kiss Arthur without permission. It was too much of a slippery slide. And Merlin knew it was too easy to forget himself. Too easy to offer up himself like he had done so many times with so many other men and women. It would be different with Arthur, but Arthur would probably just see Merlin being Merlin as usual.
'Want you. I shouldn't though.' The thought stung, made the back of Merlin's throat burn with unshed tears, made Merlin choke, and he had to escape.
"Morgana?" he whispered into the phone when he was safely in the living room. "Morgana, he's okay. I swear."
Across the line her sigh of relief almost swept him away.
"Oh good!" she exclaimed. "I thought when you rang that it was bad news and he had a turn for the worse or something. Scared me half to death you shit!"
Merlin chuckled, pulling his knees up to his chest where he sat on the floor with his back to the infamous white leather couch. Even through the laughter though he could tell when she heard the tears he was still trying to hold on to.
"Merlin?" Her voice had gone worried again.
"Sorry babe," he responded quickly. "It's late and I'm being fucking weak about everything. I guess this is the scare and the shock taking over now that I know he's not seriously hurt or bleeding in some forsaken hospital room or at the bottom of a ravine."
"You can you know. You're always so damn strong about everything. I don't know how you get through even a single day and yet you do and then you get up the next day and do it all over again and pull me, pull the rest of your clients, pull Freya up with you."
'When?' Merlin wanted to scream, but the truth was that he knew it was true.
It was a relief to realize that he was only ever like this with Arthur. He loved it that way, loved knowing that Arthur kept him safe and fed and healthy and could look at him and know instantly when Merlin needed anything. Merlin didn't have to think and be confident and be switched on all the time around Arthur. He could collapse and break down and say all his fears aloud and Arthur would listen and Arthur would wrap him up in strength and Arthur would take charge and fix the broken bits.
But for everyone else, for everywhere else, it was comforting to know that he could be strong on his own. Comforting to know that he didn't lose himself or stopped being himself, or started unravelling in the worst ways again.
'Rule number one Merlin, is no more drugs. You have to stop trying to escape from everything. I don't know what I'd do if you were ever truly gone.'
Merlin had known Morgana for most of his life just as he had known Arthur. But she had always just been the step-sister in the background who did anything she could for her father's attention. The day Merlin met her officially as her PR she had been cold and distant, wanting nothing to do with the charity case her brother had burdened her with.
Merlin had taken one look at her, at the way she sat with her agent, the tension in her shoulders and the way she could barely look at the man without her face pinching into a scowl. And Merlin had known right then what her secret was.
'Rule number two Merlin, is no more anonymous sex. If you meet someone you want to pull into your bed, you have to at least know their middle name by the time you wake up the next morning. I'm not saying you have to be a saint, but you have to stop giving them everything. You need to keep something to survive as well.'
Sleeping with her agent wasn't the worst thing she could have done, but when she wanted to advance her career and leave the man behind he had threatened to go to the papers with the scandal of how she had practically fucked her way to the top. Merlin, having had some experience with the whole fucking bit, had known exactly what they each needed to hear and to do to part ways with the least amount of figurative bloodshed.
When Morgana landed runway shows in Prague, she had hated to let him go, but then she introduced him to Freya, and Merlin knew she saw right away that it was better that way.
Freya was anorexic and Freya was addicted to cocaine. Merlin knew all about addictions and had no room to judge, so he didn't. He showed up more than once at 2 AM to hold her hair back when she stumbled into her hotel room after a movie premiere and just had to purge. And he drove her to rehab and then rehab again, and then rehab again, until finally she stopped craving the drug so much that she could function without it. Then he convinced her that food was just food, and not evil.
He stayed with Freya even while he kept being assigned or recommended to other difficult high profile clients. He had regular clients too that needed nothing more than good press once in a while or good marketing if he saw fit to dabble on that end. But he had definitely gained a sort of unspoken reputation after three years, of being the PR with some serious experience in handling difficult, tricky clients with unsavoury lifestyles. Merlin knew intrinsically how to be there for them, remembering how he had gotten through similar situations.
There wasn't anything they could do, he had told more than one of them on more than one occasion, that he hadn't actually tried a few times and then some himself. He showed up with chicken soup when one of them was sick, got drenched in rain at an outdoor concert for another, stood in line to be the first to get an autographed copy of another one's book, gave relationship advice, took away a loaded pistol from the temple of another, held hands, gave hugs, smiled until his jaw fucking ached, begged on behalf of and instead of practically all of them, and loved every second of his job and what he did.
And he missed Arthur, thought of Arthur, needed Arthur through all of it.
'Rule number three Merlin, pay attention because this one is important to me. You need to wake up every morning, safe, and you need to fall asleep knowing where you're putting your head. You need to keep waking up for me, and if it ever gets too hard, then tell me and I'll wake up with you for as long as I have to.'
Merlin's heart hurt.
"I'm not strong at all," he told Morgana when the silence became unbearable. "Not even a little bit. I just do what I do and it works out all right."
"I think you're stronger than you know," Morgana told him.
Merlin closed his eyes and counted all the way to four before he gave up and just said it out loud.
"I want him better Morgana. I hate knowing that she hurt him so much and that he's here because of what she did. I don't know how to make him better. Fuck, I feel so useless! How many times did he help me and now I can't make it stop hurting for him."
"I think," she paused, and seemed to rearranged her words even as she said them. "I think you being there is all he needs to get better."
"I don't know what you mean."
Merlin's voice sounded sad and tired, even to his own ears. He couldn't imagine what Morgana thought on her end of the conversation. At first it seemed like Morgana was going to drop the subject. She didn't though.
"The two of you make sense together. I know my brother. I know that you bring the world into focus for him. Like he fights harder for you than anyone else. He would walk over broken glass to save you. I didn't have to be there all the time to know what he was doing or trying to do for you. I didn't always like you for the shit you put him through but I swear I think he's happiest when he knows you're happy. You're the one that matters the most."
Merlin didn't have words to agree or disagree with all that.
He closed his eyes, rested his head against his knees and let her words wash over him like a tide. Even after she whispered for him to get some rest and that they could talk later, even after she hung up, Merlin kept the phone cradled against his ear, sad and aching and tired and worried and with so many other emotions that there were no names for. And none of them told him how to make Sofia's death and her betrayal any less complicated for Merlin to understand long enough to help Arthur.
"Merlin."
Merlin's eyes snapped open and he looked up almost guiltily. He had dreamt his name, spoken in that voice, so many nights that he was half afraid he'd fallen asleep again. But Arthur stood at the doorway of the living room, shirtless, wearing only a low-riding pyjama bottom and looking at him worriedly.
"Sorry," Merlin apologized."Didn't mean to wake you. Just wanted to ring Morgana."
"You should be sleeping. Jet lag is a bitch."
Merlin couldn't argue with that so he didn't. He just shrugged instead, and stood. He couldn't take his eyes off Arthur. He was too tired, needed it too much to fight it, and Arthur looked so good, so strong with broad shoulders and gently corded muscles everywhere, and Merlin didn't have the strength to tear his gaze away from this beautiful man he ached to be with.
Arthur sighed and held out his arms. "Come here."
Merlin moved before he gave his body permission to do so. Arthur was true north for him and he couldn't tell his feet to stop moving any more than he could tell his lungs to stop breathing, at that point. He was close, close enough for Arthur to reach out and gently cup his face and lightly run a thumb under his eyes. Close enough to see his reflection in Arthur's eyes.
"You've been crying." Arthur looked perplexed. It made Merlin smile. "What've you been crying for?"
It was too deliciously easy for Merlin's tired mind to supply the cliché and yet, true response.
"I haven't been crying," he said, though he had been by the end of the phone call.
But it didn't count if it was silent tears. It didn't count if he was just being a girl and nothing was actually wrong. Not when so many other times there had been.
Arthur gave him an exasperated look.
"Merlin, don't lie. I can see the tear tracks on your cheek." Arthur took a step closer. His hands, still gentle where they held Merlin's face, prevented Merlin from taking a step back. "I bet I could taste the salt on your lips."
That was it. That was all the warning that Merlin got before Arthur pressed his lips against Merlin's and Merlin's heart stopped beating for a split second.
'Fuck.'
Arthur tasted so good, so fucking good. Merlin knew he'd never want to taste anyone else's lips again. Arthur's breath was hot, his mouth was soft and gentle, hesitant but firm. The way Arthur sucked at his bottom lip made Merlin's knees weak. He couldn't help the moan that rose from his core in response to the quick nip and the languid lick that followed.
Merlin's fingers clenched into fists at his side. He wanted to pull Arthur closer, pull Arthur into his body until Arthur was buried inside him so deep he would be branded, claimed, as belonging to only this one man forever.
When Arthur slipped his tongue into Merlin's mouth it was so close and yet miles too far from what Merlin wanted that Merlin began to tremble. Arthur slipped one hand away from his face, wrapped it around his waist instead and pulled Merlin closer. Until their bodies were pressed against each other, and Merlin could feel Arthur's erection like a hot iron burning into his.
Merlin needed it so much he didn't stop to think. He moaned into the kiss even more and moved his hips, sliding his aching hardness against Arthur's, writhing against Arthur like a cat in heat, needing and wanting more. It felt so good, so right, that Merlin couldn't think, couldn't speak, couldn't do more than lose himself in how deliciously good it felt, how good Arthur tasted, how much he loved how beautifully they fit together.
When the realization came of what he was doing, Merlin's whole body froze.
'Fuck!' he thought in panic.
The shame came, and the confusion. It hadn't ever felt this good just kissing another man before. He hadn't ever gotten so turned on by lips on his. But this was Arthur, and Merlin craved Arthur. Only, Merlin knew he shouldn't. Arthur didn't deserve to have Merlin tainting him with his used body. Merlin had done this with so many other men and so many other women before. He wasn't special anymore the way Arthur was special to him. And he had taken their kiss from something simple to something burning and sexual and raw with desire.
Every cell in Merlin's body hurt as hot tears welled into his eyes, streaming down his cheeks. He collapsed onto the floor at Arthur's feet, head tucked into his knees as he curled into himself and tried to hide the tears that wouldn't stop flowing.
Merlin wanted Arthur so much he felt like he'd been set on fire.
The realization that he didn't deserve him and he likely never would, made the shame flow even more. What was wrong with him, Merlin wondered, that he fell apart at one single kiss. No boundaries. No walls. But Arthur was his boundaries. Arthur was his rock. Arthur was his walls. And if he fucked this up between them Merlin knew he would vibrate apart into smoke and nothing.
"What did I do?" Arthur asked sounding hurt and confused and it just made Merlin's tears flow more. But then Arthur was kneeling behind him, and he wrapped Merlin up tightly in strong arms that kept Merlin from tearing apart.
Arthur murmured into Merlin's ear over and over until the world stopped shaking and Merlin could get his emotions under control. Until the words started to penetrate Merlin's brain, Arthur's soothing, caressing cadence seeping into and around his soul. Until they were all he heard and he couldn't stop hearing them resonate inside his body even if he'd gone deaf in that moment. Soft, and gentle, and soothing.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."
...
Merlin wanted to kick himself and when he was done with that he figured he would have another go at it.
He had actually hidden himself in the bathroom in embarrassment and one hour later was still wondering if he could risk coming out. What the fuck! What the fuck was that out there? It was pent up emotions. It might even have been a bit of jet lag and being extra tired. It was seeing Arthur again after years and remembering their past. It was dealing with his frustrations and his desires head on instead of deflecting as he had done internally for years. For all that though, to Merlin, it was a nightmare. He was supposed to show Arthur how strong he was, how independent he could be, how he could take care of himself now, and take care of Arthur like he wanted. Instead he had a near nervous breakdown at their first kiss.
Merlin groaned, ran his fingers through his hair and wanted to hit his head against something solid for a second.
"Kill me now," he growled to his reflection. "No wonder Arthur more than anyone else probably thinks you're a nut-job."
Arthur had kissed him and it had felt so good, but Merlin knew it wasn't real. Not that it wasn't reality and hadn't happened, because of course Merlin wasn't delusional, but that they were in a loaded situation where Arthur was hurting and Merlin was here. When Arthur was better and not hurting so much anymore, Merlin wondered if something like the kiss would ever happen again.
'Anything he wants, if it makes him feel better,' he thought. 'I want him. I'll take anything, please.'
Merlin stared at his reflection in the mirror, deep into his own sad eyes. He could see it playing like a movie in his mind. What he would do if Arthur touched him the way he wanted. Arthur, holding him. Arthur's hand on his body, slipping between his legs to stroke his cock. Arthur climbing on top of him, weight pressing Merlin into the mattress as he slid inside of Merlin's tight channel, filling him, fucking him.
"Stop," Merlin groaned to himself. He clenched his fingers into a fist trying to fight how much he needed all that. "Whatever he wants. Not you."
Merlin hunched over the sink and pressed his forehead onto the marble counter. He needed to get his body under control, needed to at least appear calm so Arthur didn't think he was still falling apart. Not after how far they'd come.
"Hey."
The knock on the bathroom door startled Merlin and he looked at it rattle as Arthur knocked again, softer this time.
"I know you're hiding and that's fine. I mean who wouldn't want to set up permanent residence near a toilet, but I swear if I don't take a piss soon the floor is going to have something to say about it. Not that I'm rushing you or anything."
Merlin snorted, rolled his eyes, and was still chuckling when he opened the door to see Arthur lounging against the wall.
"Fucker," he muttered with a smirk, and Arthur smiled back.
"Got you out didn't it?" Arthur shrugged. "Besides I really do need to use the loo, and you didn't seem to have any plans to stop hiding any time soon."
Merlin ducked his head, feeling his cheeks burn.
"I swear, I actually do get through some days without bursting into tears. Months at a time sometimes. Yet, I've managed to cry every day since I got here. Sorry."
Arthur reached out to tilt Merlin's face back up with his fingertips. All signs of amusement were gone. Mostly Merlin saw worry and concern, reflected at him from Arthur's grey eyes. 'When will I stop hurting this man?' It was a look he knew all too well and it made Merlin want to scream in protest.
"Are you all right though?" Arthur asked, breaking the silence.
Merlin sighed, and nodded.
"Good." Arthur nodded as well, then, moving his fingers, he indicated the bed. "Go lie down. You should rest."
Merlin retreated to the bed as Arthur slipped into the bathroom. By the time Arthur emerged Merlin was holding a bottle of oil in his hand, as he sat on the floor at the base of the bed waiting for Arthur.
"Merlin!" Arthur growled when he saw him.
Merlin raised a hand in protest. "I'm not tired. I'm fine. I've gone without sleep for much longer than this before. Staying awake a while longer isn't going to do any damage not already done."
Arthur walked over to crouch in front of Merlin. He reached across to touch the side of Merlin's face so gently that Merlin almost thought that he was imagining the caress. A part of him wanted to lean into the feather light stroke and beg for more. But he ducked his head carefully away and out of the touch, because it ached to have Arthur touch him, and Merlin could hardly bear to stand the need that curled in his stomach.
"You are allowed on the bed Merlin," Arthur chided. "You'd probably sleep better on the damn thing than on the floor anyway."
Merlin held up the bottle. "I'm not tired, honestly. But...maybe...I want to give you a massage. Please, can I? You were in a car accident, and I want to take care of you. And if it were me, you'd make sure I was healing properly and that there was no muscle damage or whatever. Please. I just want...let me please..."
When his voice trailed off Arthur looked at him with narrowed eyes. Merlin held the gaze, not flinching when Arthur's eyes darted around, searching for something Merlin didn't have a clue if his own face was answering.
"Will you promise to go to sleep if I let you?"
Merlin nodded and smiled. Arthur didn't smile back.
"Merlin," he said and his voice held that commanding note that made Merlin's toes curl and his heart race in anticipation. "I want you to sleep on the bed with me tonight."
Merlin didn't have the strength to fight how much he loved that tone and the meaning behind it. Like the fact that he knew Arthur cared about him, and wanted the best for him, and wanted to keep him safe, and wanted to protect him. Like the way he knew he belonged to Arthur, and only Arthur. For as long as he lived he would do anything Arthur told him to, as long as he always got to be near him.
He reached up to his chest and held on to the ring that dangled on a chain there. He felt the metal bite into his palm and into his fingers and the ache was delicious and felt so real to him.
He couldn't tear his eyes away. Couldn't do more than speak the words, branded on his heart, that said everything he couldn't yet say.
"Yes Arthur," he whispered.
...
"Tell me please. Tell me what happened the night of the accident."
Arthur was lying on his stomach on the bed, hands crossed beneath his head, his face turned in the direction where Merlin knelt at his side. Merlin looked at the broad expanse of Arthur's back that stretched out before him and he had to swallow down the way his mouth watered at the mental images that flooded his mind. The things he would do given the opportunity to kiss and lick his way along the curve of Arthur's spine.
"Nothing happened. It was just an accident."
Arthur's voice was quiet, as if he was holding on to all his emotions and didn't want Merlin to hear his pain. It made Merlin ache and ache for him. Made him want to kiss all the pain away.
"Tell me please," Merlin said again. "I want to know anyway."
Arthur stayed silent, staring past Merlin to the other side of the room and Merlin knew he wasn't really looking at anything in the present anymore. He was focussed on the past, on the night Sofia died. Merlin didn't know what to do. He felt so helpless.
So he poured the massage oil onto Arthur's back and slowly started to knead the tense muscles there. And he waited. If Arthur said Merlin didn't need to know about that night, Merlin would accept it, forget about it, and never ask Arthur again. Whatever Arthur wanted, needed, to not be so sad anymore.
Still, when Arthur finally spoke, Merlin's fingers momentarily lost their rhythmic movement, and he felt relieved. Not grateful or happy that Arthur was going to share. Just relieved that Arthur trusted him to know. Trusted to talk to him about it.
"She never liked you. I bet that's no surprise," Arthur told him. "After all she used to say to you and about you. I think she hated you more when you got better."
"Never liked her either," Merlin muttered. "Feeling was mutual. But you knew that."
Arthur sighed. "Yes. I did know. I'm not saying I don't know why the two of you never got along. Like on my wedding day when you showed up after she had so rudely uninvited you, as if I was ever going to let that happen. Such venom, you know. She always had that ability to shock me. I could never understand how she could be so hateful to you."
It hurt Merlin to remember Arthur's wedding.
The day had passed by in a haze filled with Merlin crying so hard his whole body would shake each time. And then he'd summon the courage to ring Arthur's number, and not have the words he needed to say, and have to hang up. And then he was crying again, couldn't seem to stop long enough to breathe, to be strong.
When he showed up at the wedding his eyes were red and his face was pale and everything was a numb haze and the words that were said in the church, the congratulations being shouted afterwards, all felt like they were ripping into him. He hadn't been drunk. He hadn't been high. The one time in his life then that he was stone cold sober and he looked like he was about to collapse at any second.
Sofia had spotted him at the reception first. Merlin had been contemplating whether he had the stomach to go over to the happy couple and force out a smile when Sofia had looked in his direction. How she hadn't spotted him at the ceremony, Merlin had no idea. When she laid eyes on him then, all her camouflage fell away and in that second all he saw was how ugly and hateful and spiteful and angry she was.
Merlin had looked to Arthur then. He saw the way his best friend's jaw tensed in anticipation of something unpleasant brewing. Merlin only remembered thinking how she was Arthur's wife now and she should come first. He had turned to leave, it was obvious, but she couldn't let him walk away, couldn't let it go.
"Get out!" She had screamed at the top of her lungs from halfway across the room, stopping all discussion, all happiness, stopping every other sound in the room until she was the centre of everyone's attention. "Get out of my wedding!"
Merlin turned back around to face her, and snapped quietly. "I was leaving anyway. You can just forget I was here. It's how you wanted it anyway."
"How did you even get in?" She shrieked, still so loudly that Merlin's ears burned.
"Your husband invited me," he told her still much more quiet than she was being. "You know, my best friend since we were children."
She laughed, throwing Arthur a savage glare before she strode over to where Merlin was standing. When she spoke her voice was no longer loud. Instead it was pitched perfectly to allow everyone to hear her words and still pretend to be discreet.
"Not any more, you filthy shit. Whatever you've been doing for him to get him to help you, it ends tonight. You can go take off your clothes for some other man. It's not like we all don't know you do it anyway. But he's my husband now and that means you don't get to sink your nasty, perverted, sick, little claws into him any longer."
"Sofia!"
Merlin jumped at Arthur's shout following so closely to Sofia's pointed little speech. But Sofia ignored the reproach.
"You get off on it don't you?" she asked Merlin with narrowed eyes and a twist to her lips. "You love the way it feels to have him run to you whenever you call."
Merlin could almost feel himself cracking inside. A part of him, the part of him paying attention, the part of him not too numb to feel the way her words sliced into him so close to the truth, that part of him wanted to wrap his fingers around her throat.
But Merlin knew he couldn't fight the truth because there were days when it was exactly as she thought. So many times he'd done what she said. So many times he had deliberately done something rash, something stupid, something dangerous, just to have Arthur come to him. Sometimes he felt like he was drowning and only Arthur holding him, Arthur rocking him and whispering to him, could make the pain better. He more than got off on it, he knew. He craved Arthur. He craved Arthur like he craved all the other drugs, but they had nothing on how much he needed his best friend.
"I said I was leaving," he told her softly. "I shouldn't have come."
She grabbed his arm, nails cutting into his flesh. Her performance, he could tell, wasn't over. But this time she kept the words between them, showing that she did know just how to speak softly.
"You don't get it. He'll never want you. He'll fuck you now, and he'll hold you now and he'll tell you anything he thinks will get him more, now, but at the end of the day he doesn't really want you. You've let so many other men touch you, fuck with you, you have so many things wrong with you that he'll leave you and you'll always just be a strung out, drug addict, who needs to sell himself for his next high."
Even as she said the words Merlin knew they weren't true, but still just the idea that they could be, even though he knew Arthur didn't want him now or ever, it still hurt to hear. There was hate and then there was being despised and this woman despised him beyond anything he could ever fix.
"Let go of him." Arthur's voice seemed to echo from somewhere far away, even though they were barely whispered into Sofia's ear and Merlin could only just make them out himself. "Let go or I swear Sofia I will break your fingers one by one if I have to."
"Yes, take his side," she snapped back. "It's my wedding day and he has no right to be here ruining it for me. For us."
"It's my wedding day too," Arthur pointed out. "I wanted him here. And what you just said to him is enough for me to seriously consider an annulment. My lawyers can have it drawn up before your head even hits your pillow tonight. I suggest if you want to stay on my good side for the rest of this disaster of a reception that you take your hands off him, and you smile, and you apologize to our guests, and you act with a bit more decorum. I'm going to walk Merlin out and you're going to let me tell my best friend goodnight properly."
Merlin could still feel the wave of hatred that she channelled in his direction as she walked away. Even now, sitting in a room massaging Arthur, even now while she was dead, Merlin felt like he could hear her screams of anger from the grave.
"She tried to kill you." It wasn't a question. Merlin suspected the answer anyway.
Arthur laughed without humour. "You would think so. There were days I could tell she was truthfully considering it. But she needed my money too much. Needed it for her career. As you know, her career meant everything to her."
"And when you left? When you divorced her?" Merlin gently prodded.
Arthur shrugged. "Nothing happened. It was the least amount of drama she every did anything with. She packed her things and she left. The screaming and the shouting and the crying came later. Came the day of the accident. I never would have thought she could have lasted that long."
Maybe guilt had kept her silent. Maybe shame. Merlin didn't think so though. Sofia had probably just been scheming on how to get Arthur back on side.
"The day of the accident I went to meet her at a café. I sent my driver away when she asked me to drive around with her in her car. Said she didn't like the way everyone was staring. I slipped into the passenger seat and we went around the block a few times. She was calm for about five minutes, then she stopped being calm."
"Was that when it happened? While she was shouting?"
Arthur considered the question, and Merlin let him, giving up on the massage to instead sit cross legged on the bed and wait to hear the rest of the story. When Arthur seemed to be struggling with piecing the information together, Merlin stopped him.
"Just tell me what you remember, if you can," he requested.
Arthur took a deep breath.
"I remember she was screaming at me reminding me about how much we loved each other and how our marriage had been working before she confessed to having a string of lovers on the side. Then I remember the tires squealing and the car spinning, then flipping, then rolling, and when we stopped it was so damn quiet I couldn't hear anything. It felt like I had gone deaf, like my brain took a short break, nothing looked real or felt real at all. And I couldn't move because I was pinned down by the dashboard. And I thought at the time it had gone through my chest because there was an unbearably sharp pain there. I was physically checking myself for any other injuries when I snapped out of my daze and remembered Sofia. I hadn't looked over at her before. I know it sounds awful with her sitting next to me, but I honestly forgot that anyone else in the world existed but me."
Merlin reached out to silently take Arthur's hand. Arthur seemed so surprised that he stared at their entwined fingers for a few seconds longer than necessary before he finally finished what he had been saying.
"The moment I glanced over at her I knew she was dead. And I sort of knew that she hadn't planned on dying. I hadn't either, but she lost the bet. I don't know what caused the accident. My lawyer tells me it's being chalked up to a sharp bend, gravel on the road and pure bad luck. But remember we'd been around the block a few times before and it had been fine. I don't think she planned on killing me. If at all it would have been an impulsive decision. If it was a conscious decision on her part, she gambled wrong."
"I'm sorry," Merlin whispered as he kissed the tips of Arthur's fingers over and over, trying to press his words into Arthur's skin. "I'm sorry you had to go through that all alone."
Arthur looked at Merlin, his grey eyes softening as he smiled. Merlin wanted to press his forehead to Arthur's throat, press his lips to Arthur's chest over Arthur's heart. But he couldn't even smile back.
"You've been worried." Arthur leaned across the distance resting his forehead against Merlin's. "I know you've been worried, I can see it."
"Of course I've been. You almost died," Merlin breathed.
Arthur chuckled softly. "Bruised ribs never killed anyone. I was lucky that I came out of the accident with scratches and a bit banged up. It was a lot worse for Sofia."
Scratches. Merlin wanted to laugh or sob, he wasn't sure which. He had seen the fresh scars on Arthur's back, could pick out the new lines on Arthur's chest from earlier, and though there weren't a lot, they looked like they'd been deep enough to really hurt.
Arthur pressed a chain of kisses along the side of Merlin's jaw and on his neck and on his shoulder. And for once, Merlin didn't have the strength to deny either of them the comfort of the gesture. He wanted to offer more. He wanted to wrap himself around Arthur and swear that Arthur would never have to face something like that alone again.
"I'm not her," Arthur whispered into Merlin's ear. And Merlin knew he didn't mean Sofia. "I'm not going to die from sadness. I'm not going to leave you to pick up the pieces of my life. You're not going to walk in here and find me with my wrist open or having swallowed all the pills I could find in this place. I promise that I won't give up and I won't kill myself, not after having lived through the accident in the first place."
Merlin couldn't breathe. His chest hurt and hurt. The fist that was clenched in his gut tightened so painfully the only sound he could make was a sob.
Arthur pulled him close, into a hug that was so tight and felt so good that Merlin could only hold on and cling as tightly back as he dared to Arthur. 'Nothing in this world,' he swore to himself. 'Will ever get me to stop wanting you near to me.' But he could only take what Arthur had on offer, and he didn't ever want Arthur to feel like he owed Merlin for anything.
"And what about Sofia?" Merlin asked.
Arthur pulled away to look into Merlin's eyes. "She's gone. Was gone, long before she died that night. I don't think I ever really had her. When we got divorced it felt like something that had been written in the book of time. Inevitable. Like her death was inevitable. I can't explain it. I just know she wasn't happy with me. I was never, would never have been, enough for her."
"I'm sorry she died, even though I can't say I miss her."
Arthur smiled sadly.
"Me too, but it's over now," he said, brushing his lips across Merlin's cheek, making Merlin shiver inside. "You need to sleep. You're shaking."
Merlin looked to the floor wistfully. It would be so easy to slip off the bed and let Arthur fall asleep in peace. It wasn't as if Merlin was going to be able to fall asleep. Not with Arthur so close.
Arthur, who was always so good at reading him anyway, growled and gently nipped at Merlin's ear, causing Merlin to laugh out loud in surprise. He didn't have the willpower to really fight when Arthur pulled him down into strong, warm arms, cradling him.
Merlin was drowning in how amazing Arthur smelled, of musk and spice and sweat. He struggled, already hard, already aching to slide between Arthur's legs and rock their bodies together. It was embarrassing how quickly he could go from zero to half mast just by being close to Arthur.
"Baby please," Arthur whispered to him, not making the situation any easier for Merlin, who had to fight back a moan at the sexy, pleading note in Arthur's voice. "It's not going to kill you to spend one night in my bed."
Merlin stopped struggling because it was inevitable, and because struggling was only going to make Arthur twig to his arousal that much faster.
"Merlin go to sleep," Arthur growled.
Merlin took a deep breath, sighed in exasperation, then gave up and did exactly what he wanted. He laid his head on Arthur's shoulder, wrapping his arms around Arthur's body as best as he could when Arthur drew him even closer into the embrace. He ignored the way his erection pressed into Arthur's thigh, knowing that there was no way Arthur wouldn't know it for what it was.
He angled his face briefly to kiss the corner of Arthur's mouth, careful not to linger. And though Arthur didn't so much as open his eyes, Merlin smiled.
He was in Arthur's arms the way he always ached to be, wrapped up just the way he loved, and God it felt beyond amazing.
...
It took a while for Merlin to fall asleep, there were so many thoughts dancing through his mind.
Arthur had kissed him, was holding Merlin so possessively against his body, and it left Merlin confused. Arthur had never kissed him before, had never touched him like this before, like he wanted to, as if he liked doing it. Merlin worried about what it meant. Maybe he was projecting what he wanted and Arthur was trying to make him feel better. That made Merlin even more worried. He never wanted Arthur to do anything Arthur didn't want to do.
But Arthur had kissed him, had seemed to like kissing him as much as Merlin had loved kissing back. And it was Arthur's idea to lie in bed together, cuddled together like they were. Merlin almost didn't want to move. He was so afraid that this was all a dream and he'd wake up on the floor, back where he started, embarrassed and ashamed.
He wanted Arthur too much to see reason anymore. If Arthur wanted any part of him, even if it drove Merlin insane with desire, Merlin knew he would shut up and take whatever he could get. It wasn't as if he hadn't fucked a multitude of nameless people, none of whom meant anything close to what Arthur meant to him. Whatever Arthur wanted, Merlin would gladly give him.
'Just close your eyes,' he told himself, shifting his cheek to Arthur's chest and never wanting to be anywhere else ever again. 'If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up.'
When Merlin drifted awake he was half pinned under Arthur's body.
He was lying on his back, warm, because where Arthur laid on him there was only heat. Arthur was lying in a reversal of their earlier position, face tucked into the side of Merlin's neck and breathing warm breaths that fluttered across Merlin's throat. Unlike earlier, Arthur hadn't just stopped at resting his head on Merlin. Half his body was draped across Merlin's body, their naked chests stuck together from the heat. Merlin had an arm draped loosely across Arthur's back. Arthur had slipped one leg between Merlin's legs. His morning erection was pressed into Merlin's hip.
It was such an intimate position to wake up to with Arthur that Merlin instantly thought he was still dreaming.
Still, he couldn't help the way his body screamed for him to move, whether away and out of Arthur's embrace, or lower against the thigh perfectly positioned between his legs.
Merlin rocked his hip, half heartedly trying to escape. The friction against his own erection caused a delicious pleasure to rocket through his body. Merlin gasped, biting his lower lip to prevent himself from moaning long and loudly, trying to stop the tiny, involuntary jerks of aftershock as he forced his body under control.
"You're right Merlin. That does feel wonderful to wake up to," Arthur murmured gruffly into his ear. "My turn?"
Without waiting for a response, Arthur wrapped firms hands around Merlin's waist and shifted to better align their bodies. When he was done, Merlin had what he wanted, Arthur's weight pressing him into the mattress, Arthur's heat and smell surrounding him, Arthur's body against his.
Arthur rolled his hips, slowly, deliberately. The moan it pulled from Merlin, had Merlin's fingers scrambling across Arthur's back as he tried to hold Arthur in place. Needing more and never to stop.
'Please! Please, please, please...'
It felt so good. Merlin had to stop himself from crying out. Had to stop himself from reaching down to slip his pants off and giving Arthur better access to his body. Anything Arthur wanted, anything to make Arthur feel good too.
He loved Arthur so damn much, and he never thought he'd ever get the chance to show him.
"You like this?"
Merlin couldn't believe that he heard uncertainty in Arthur's voice. It was such a foreign concept to him, that Arthur thought he didn't want him, that Arthur couldn't just tell that Merlin had lived every second since the day they met as children, for this exact moment.
But all he could do was nod, as Arthur established a gentle rocking rhythm, designed it seemed, to drive Merlin insane.
Arthur raised his head until Merlin was looking into storm grey eyes lit by the slits of early morning sunlight that broke past their curtain. Merlin reached up to touch Arthur's cheek, still sure he had to be dreaming. His fingers trembled from the pleasure that sang through him with every gentle thrust of Arthur's hips.
Merlin closed his eyes. It was too much. He couldn't breathe. He never wanted the moment to end.
Arthur immediately stopped moving. Went so still, Merlin felt like he'd been stabbed, the pain of loss was so sharp. His eyes fluttered open, and he watched Arthur look away. Felt Arthur roll off his body to lie beside him on the bed. Merlin clenched his fingers into a fist, having to fight against the urge to grab Arthur and pull him back into their previous position.
"Merlin," Arthur's voice was gruff and soft, as if he was frightened of scaring Merlin. "Remember, I've always said you could tell me no. You can tell me to stop."
Merlin examined the words closely, letting them linger in his mind. Did Arthur really think he didn't want this? That he was forcing himself on Merlin? It was such a ridiculous notion, that Arthur could force this on him when he would beg Arthur on his knees for less than what he just had.
Merlin was so needy, so clingy. If anything, Arthur should be disgusted, not terrified that Merlin didn't want him. Merlin had never had much shame anyway, not about nakedness or sex. And if Arthur wanted him, like he thought Arthur did now, if Arthur was truly going to be okay after how much Merlin had worried about him, this was a ridiculously easy thing to give him. It wasn't as if Merlin didn't know it was all he personally ever wanted.
Merlin slid his hands to the waistband of the pants he had worn to bed, and as quickly as he could, he slipped them off.
Arthur was looking at him, gaze sliding everywhere. Merlin thought he should feel scorch marks on his skin. He smiled, keeping his eyes on Arthur as Arthur's gaze finally shifted to meet his.
He grabbed one of Arthur's arms, guiding Arthur's fingers between his legs. The pressure was good enough to make Merlin moan again.
"If you want me, you can have me. Any time Arthur. I don't give a fuck where. Up against a tree, on a wall, in the middle of a crowded room. Doesn't matter. You don't even have to ask if you don't want to. Just touch me and I'll always be this hard for you, this fast."
Arthur smiled, tightening his hold further as he slowly began pumping his fist. Merlin's whole body jerked with the pleasure. All rational thought fluttered away and his entire world became centred on how good it felt to have Arthur's hand on his body.
"Are you supposed to want this Merlin?" Arthur asked, with narrowed eyes though he didn't break rhythm.
Merlin's thoughts spiralled into confusion. This wasn't anonymous and it wasn't meaningless. It was all he had ever wanted, to have Arthur touch him, have sex with him. But he had wanted other things and they had been wrong, had hurt him, hurt Arthur.
"I don't know," he whispered back, torn.
If Arthur said no, if Arthur told him that he couldn't have this, couldn't want this, then Merlin would do what he was told. If this turned out not-good then Merlin would accept that he couldn't have it. Even if it hurt more than anything in the world to leave this bed and leave this man, Merlin would listen.
"If you want it, want me, then I'm yours," Merlin told Arthur. "It's your rules and they've kept me alive and sane so far. If you tell me I can't want it, then I'll listen. Whatever you want Arthur."
Arthur leaned over to kiss Merlin. His mouth tasted so good that when he retreated Merlin whimpered.
"Do you want me?"
Arthur was looking into Merlin's soul again. Merlin squirmed, not knowing if the answer he felt inside beating through his heart was the right answer, the answer he should own up to. But it was the only thing he knew.
"I always want you," he whispered miserably, biting his lower lip as he closed his eyes again, wanting to hide the shame of the confession.
It was true. For all the men he had fucked, it was Arthur he saw. All the times that Arthur had caught him in another man's arms, all the times that Arthur had walked away or told him to leave, or sat across the table ignoring Merlin while Merlin kissed or groped some nameless stranger, Merlin had only tried even harder to show Arthur what he was missing.
Arthur kissed Merlin's eyelids, coaxing Merlin to open his eyes. When he did he felt like he was drowning in Arthur's gaze again. Arthur reached up to slide a thumb across Merlin's lips. It felt so good that Merlin opened his mouth, grazing his teeth against Arthur's finger, tasting with the tip of his tongue.
"I love your mouth. Your pretty lips. I always got so jealous of the men who got to have that pretty mouth of yours wrapped around them. You always looked so good like that. So beautiful, on your knees. I got so jealous wanting to know what all the screaming was for. I want that. Will you do that for me?"
Arthur's words made Merlin shiver. So much of it was what he'd always wanted as well. To hear Arthur moan and cry out because of what he could do. To make Arthur feel loved.
"If it's what you want," Merlin responded quietly. "I'll do anything you want."
Arthur kissed the side of Merlin's neck. Merlin raised his head giving Arthur better access. He was the one who couldn't stop moaning. While he was distracted, Arthur nudged him until he was rolled onto his side. Arthur pulled him backwards until he was pressed against Arthur's body from behind. He could feel the hard bulge in Arthur's pants. As if Arthur could fuck him through the layer of clothes.
Merlin groaned, needing more. Arthur rocked against him, matching Merlin's rhythm with thrusts of his own, pacing the slide of his fist with the grinding of his hips.
"Want to make you come," Arthur whispered into Merlin's ear. "I never got to see you come. "
Merlin wanted that too. His body clenched again and again wanting the penetration that Arthur's teased him with. But Arthur wanted his mouth and if Merlin got what he wanted, to have Arthur buried inside his body, Arthur wouldn't get to come the way he asked.
So Merlin squeezed his eyes shut for a second, gathering the strength he needed to gently pull away from the intoxicating feel of Arthur's body.
Arthur protested with a groan, pressing an open, wet kiss to Merlin's shoulder. Merlin curled back into the kiss, losing his resolve for a moment. Arthur wanted him, wanted to keep touching him, kissing him, licking him. The realization made Merlin giddy with pleasure. But it also made him determined to take Arthur into his mouth and taste him the way Arthur had always wanted.
"You can watch me come later," Merlin breathed, as he turned around and pressed his forehead, his lips, to Arthur's. "Let me take care of you first."
Arthur pulled Merlin even closer, to sweep his tongue across Merlin's neck, to nip at Merlin's shoulder, and then lick the bite. Merlin whimpered. Arthur smiled, and wrapped his arms around Merlin's waist, pulling at Merlin's hips until Merlin was cradled between his legs, their groins pressed together.
"Stop distracting me," Merlin groaned after Arthur pulled him into another long, sensual kiss.
Arthur laughed. "I'm not trying to distract you. I just can't let you go. Want to keep kissing you. God, you fit so well against me."
Merlin groaned again. He was having the exact same problem, not wanting to stop kissing Arthur. So he kept his lips connected to Arthur's body, kissing and licking his way down Arthur's chest, and Arthur's flat abdomen. He pulled off Arthur's pants, and tossed them over the side of the bed, not sparing a second as he returned to his task of tasting every inch of Arthur's body.
Merlin looked up at Arthur, smiling. "Watch me?"
"Fuck if you thought I wasn't going to," Arthur scoffed, already rearranging himself, trying to get a better view.
When Merlin took Arthur into his mouth, Arthur's body bowed, fingers clenched tightly into the sheets, and the keening, gasping sounds he made went through Merlin's body like electricity. This, Merlin knew, was what he was made for. He loved doing this, always had, but sucking Arthur gave him a high like no other.
Every time Arthur moaned or gasped, or cried out, Merlin felt like the sounds were being pulled from his own body. Making Arthur feel good was like being pleasured himself. Merlin felt like his heart, his soul, his body, was connected to Arthur and Arthur's pleasure was directly connected to his own pleasure.
'Love you,' Merlin chanted silently. 'Love you so fucking much.'
"Fuck!" Arthur moaned, fingers clenched in Merlin's hair. "Fuck. Merlin. So good. Just like that. Don't stop."
Merlin kept his eyes on Arthur, loving the way Arthur's eyes had gone unfocused. Arthur was panting and moaning, and gasping out words that were half incoherent and sexy to listen to and Merlin had no intentions of stopping.
Arthur's hips jerked, though he seemed to be trying to hold still. Merlin would have laughed if his mouth wasn't full. Not wanting to break rhythm for even a second, Merlin grabbed Arthur's hips and roughly pulled at them, trying to convey the message that he wasn't made of glass and could take it.
Arthur picked up on the hint quickly. And Merlin was loving it.
When Arthur's fingers tightened in his hair signifying his impending release, Merlin looked up and caught Arthur's gaze again. Eyes locked, Merlin watched as Arthur shattered, jaw going slack, and groaning long and loud, Merlin's name a keening wail that made Merlin's toes curl in sympathy.
Until Arthur pulled him away, pulled him up his body, and Merlin's lips met Arthur's lips as Merlin rocked against Arthur's body, blinded by desire and his ache for release.
"It's okay baby. Let me," Arthur soothed.
Arthur pressed his hands between their bodies, wrapping his fingers around Merlin's length. Merlin whimpered, buried his head in Arthur's shoulder, squeezed his eyes shut, and gave over to Arthur's ministrations. Trusting Arthur to make him feel good.
It didn't take more than a few tugs before Merlin's body slammed into orgasm. He came with soft sobs of pleasure, while Arthur cradled him and soothed him through it all. And Merlin just clung to him, never wanting the moment to end, never wanting to ever have to let go.
Merlin let the silence they fell into stretch on for a few minutes before finally he pulled away to look at Arthur. Arthur looked worried. Cautious. As if he was expecting the worse to follow.
Merlin felt his heart clench.
"What?" he asked, voice radiating pain he couldn't hide. Not after what they'd just done. "Do you regret it already?"
Arthur reached across to slide his fingers through Merlin's hair, searching Merlin's face for something that Merlin didn't know if he had an answer for. Merlin wanted to hide, to cry, to retreat to the corner of the room and break.
"I'm waiting for you to walk out," Arthur responded.
Merlin's mind boggled at that.
"Walk out?" he asked. "What? Why would I? I want to stay. With you. Unless you want me to leave."
Arthur pulled him back close long enough to kiss him. Merlin drowned in the kiss for as long as it lasted, hating when Arthur stopped to sigh, and to speak again.
"I get to look Merlin. I don't get to touch. Now that you've let me touch you, I'm waiting for you to pull away."
Merlin did pull away at that.
He rolled away from Arthur, climbed out of the bed and stood looking down at Arthur. Naked and beautiful. Merlin stared into Arthur's eyes, and he couldn't make sense of Arthur's words.
"You were always welcome to touch me," he finally said quietly. "Any part of me, any part of my body, any time you wanted. Fuck Arthur it's all I know. You could look. I loved that. But the second you touched me Arthur, I would never want anyone else. Just like I only want you now."
Arthur sat up in the bed quickly.
"No. I could look and I could save you, but I'm not supposed to be the one to take advantage. You need me for more than sex. I want to be more than someone you fuck because you miss having someone inside you."
Merlin thought about that. If it were anyone else but Arthur saying the words he would have been seriously pissed. But coming from Arthur he knew what the words meant. Knew that he had to seriously take a moment to think about it.
Merlin slowly, carefully, made his way around to Arthur's side of the bed. Arthur watched him, and Merlin tried not to break eye-contact. When he was near to Arthur again, Merlin dropped to his knees at the side of the bed. He reached out to take Arthur's hands in his.
"You idiot," he whispered. "You could never, ever, be just another warm body in my bed. You could never take advantage. Never be a regret. I want you like I want air. My body has always been yours to do whatever you want. Touch me, fuck me, hold me, push me away. I want you. I want to be near you. I mean what I said. Anything you want Arthur. If you think it's better if we never have sex again then we won't. If you just want to keep me safe and lock me in a glass case, then I'll let you. I'll do whatever you want, whenever you tell me. I belong to you."
Arthur pulled him up, pulled him to his feet, then back onto the bed, cradling Merlin against his body. He ran his finger over the ring that dangled at Merlin's chest.
Merlin felt the caress like a brand into his skin and he squirmed, aching for more and more, as his breathing hitched. Merlin tucked his head under Arthur's chin, pressing a kiss to the base of Arthur's throat in a gesture that he hoped Arthur understood.
"Mine then," Arthur murmured, stroking Merlin's hair.
Merlin moaned in agreement. He wrapped his arms around Arthur's waist, and pressed against Arthur's body. He fit against Arthur's body, fit in Arthur's life, and he didn't plan on it being any other way. The only way he was ever leaving Arthur's side again was if Arthur ordered him to go.
And he was going to make damn sure that never happened.
.
xxx...TBC...xxx