I stood in our garage-cum-lab, staring at the neatly-racked vials of the Pregnancy Detecting Potion I'd made what seemed like ages ago. Taking a deep breath, I ran my finger along the vials as if trying to sense the one that would give me the answer I wanted.
"Just pick one," Harry muttered, standing next to me.
I turned to look at him and deliberately put my hand on one and then switched to another one just to antagonize him. "We'll use this one," I said, drawing it carefully out of the rack and putting it in a test tube holder on the worktop. I drew out the stopper and gave the potion a quick sniff. It still smelled of lilacs, so it was still good. Feeling as if I were watching someone in a movie, I used my wand to draw a few beads of blood from the tip of my index finger, carefully dropping them into the test tube and putting the stopper back in place.
"Now what?" Harry asked, sounding tense.
"Now I give it a little shake," I said, picking up the vial and shaking it gently three times to integrate my blood into the potion. "And then we wait." I set the little tube back into the holder, moving as carefully as if it were nitroglycerin.
"How long?"
"About five minutes." We stood there silently, both trying not to stare at the vial. I wished I had brought a jumper down with me; the late March weather made the converted garage chillier than I usually liked. Harry noticed and wrapped his arms around me as we continued to stare at the vial.
In the blink of an eye, the color of the potion went from a deep, mossy green to clear and I felt my heart give a lurch. "What? What does that mean?" Harry asked, peering at the clear liquid in the vial.
I picked it up and gave it a couple of swishes, holding it up to the light. Not a trace of green remained. "It means I'm pregnant," I said, smiling up at Harry.
His grin almost literally lit up the room and he picked me up, squeezing me hard enough to crack my back as he kissed me. "Sorry!" he said, setting me back down.
"No, it's all right. I've had a bit of an ache and I think you've just sorted that for me." I looked at the vial still clutched in my hand and felt a wild swoop in my stomach. Pregnant! Confirmed!
"So, do you know how far along?"
I closed my eyes, thinking back. "I figure nearly six weeks."
Harry hugged me again, not picking me up this time, and we stood, swaying gently side to side in the chilly lab until he let me go and looked down at me. I could see his eyes were shiny with unshed tears and that surprised me. "All right?" I asked.
He nodded, removing his glasses to swipe at his eyes and taking a long breath. "Brilliant," he said, taking my hand. We went back up the stairs, my mind racing with everything that needed to be done in the next thirty-four weeks. When will that be? Should be in the middle of November sometime, I thought, relieved that our child would not have a Halloween birthday.
Reaching our door, we paused. "Should we tell Teddy?" Harry asked quietly.
"Not just yet," I said after a moment's thought. "Let him be an only child for a little while longer."
The next morning, I sent a message to Sarah, asking if she would like to go out to lunch on Saturday afternoon. I haven't seen you in a while and I feel like we need to catch up, I thought as I watched my hummingbird zip away.
"Why don't you just send a message to her phone?" Teddy asked as he shoveled cornflakes into his mouth, ever-present phone in his hand.
"She doesn't have a phone and besides, this is the most secure way to send a message to someone. The Patronus will go straight to that person," I said, irritated when he looked away from me to focus on the tiny, glowing screen of his phone. "With a Patronus, no one can do this," I said, quickly snatching the phone out of his grasp. As usual, he was chatting away with Duncan.
"Hey, that's mine!" he protested. "Harry! She took my phone!"
"She sure did," Harry said, continuing to sip his tea and read the newspaper.
I quickly typed out a message to Duncan. Hello, Duncan! This is Ginny. I'm afraid Teddy isn't available at the moment as he's learning a very valuable lesson in security! I looked over at Teddy and saw he'd adopted an air of patient superiority, sitting with his arms folded as if he didn't care what I was doing with his treasured phone. His eyes changing colors belied his emotional state, however.
The phone vibrated and I looked down. ? Ginny! Long time, no talk! Teddy won't give me your number! Are you coming to the Quidditch match this weekend? We're going to demolish Mission Valley!
Of course I'll be there! I have to cheer on my favorite Beater and Chaser, don't I?
::flex::
LOL! All right, Teddy's about to burst, so I'm handing back to him now. You be good today! Don't give Mr Potter any of your nonsense!
I would never! TTYL!
I presented my cheek to Teddy and he grudgingly kissed it, breathing a sigh of relief when he got his phone back and saw I hadn't done any actual damage to his reputation. Harry grinned at me and I felt a frisson of delight. There, in the middle of my kitchen with my husband, godson and the new beginning inside of me, I felt indomitable.
That feeling lasted until I got a whiff of the bacon that waited for me on the plate and I abruptly felt as if I were being tossed about on a tiny boat in very rough seas. Barely making it to our loo in time, I did obeisance to the porcelain god, feeling thoroughly wrung out when it was over.
"Gin?" Harry called softly through the door. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah," I called back, standing up and swishing my mouth out with some water. I opened the door and smiled up at Harry to ease his worried look. "I'm fine. See?" I executed a perfect twirl in the doorway and he snorted.
"You had me worried when you ran out," he said drawing me into a hug.
"It was the bacon. I smelled it and it was all over. Did Teddy notice?"
"No. He wouldn't notice if a bomb went off next door." He looked down at me, pushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "Can I get you anything?"
"Can you eat that bacon and make me some toast?"
"I can do that," he said, kissing me on the forehead.
Thankfully, the nausea seemed to have gone away and I was able to have my tea and toast in peace before heading in to work. The morning passed in a blur and before I knew it, it was time for lunch. Not wanting to risk any more stomach upset, I decided I'd stick to soup and crackers, sitting down at our usual table with Ben.
He watched as I crushed up five packets of saltines and put them in my chicken noodle soup and stirred them around until they reached the peak of sogginess. "What?" I asked through a mouthful of soup and cracker mush.
He cocked his head to the side, looking at me out of narrowed eyes. "You seem different today."
"Different how?" I asked, sitting up straight. "Is my skin clearer? My hair thicker and more lustrous?" I took it out of my usual bun and spread the red length over my shoulders, batting my eyelashes at him. His eyes went round and his mouth made an O of amazement as I covered my face and giggled.
"Are you, really?" he asked in a hushed tone, leaning close and I nodded, sure that I was turning bright red. "When did you find out?"
"Last night. The potion turned clear!"
He sat back and looked confused. "Potion? Is that like the rabbit dying?"
Now it was my turn to be confused. "Why would a rabbit die?"
"Never mind. Tell me everything!" We spent the rest of our lunchtime talking about pregnancy, babies, names, breastfeeding and everything else related. I told him how the Pregnancy Detecting Potion worked by detecting the elevated level of hCG in my blood and he was surprised that there was actually a scientific mechanism behind it. "You didn't have to pee on a stick? Just put a few drops of blood into this stuff?"
"Yes. Much more elegant, don't you think?" I finished my soup, pleased that my stomach still felt fine. "I'm going to ask Sarah to be my midwife."
"Oh? Is that how witches do it?"
I nodded, wishing I had a couple more packets of crackers. "Yes, witches only go to hospital if there's something really gone wrong. I've done a fair bit of midwifing since I've been here."
"Well, I'm sure she'll be delighted." He looked at his watch and groaned. "Ugh, I'm meeting with Dr Samuels in ten." We both stood up and he grabbed me up in a huge bear hug. "I'm so happy for you. This kid is going to be gorgeous with you and Harry for parents!"
"Oh, you're sweet to say so."
"Have you seen that husband of yours? Girl!" He gave me another hug and we went our separate ways in the always-busy hospital. As I walked down the hallway, I thought about what Ben said about how our child would look and I smiled, dreaming of a child with Harry's dark hair and brilliant green eyes.
Saturday, after a raucous Quidditch match with our southern California rivals, Mission Valley Institute, I hurried to get to lunch with Sarah while Harry took Teddy and the boys out for pizza to celebrate their victory. We were meeting at our favorite Mexican place that was famous for their Margaritas and I was a little sad that I wouldn't be able to enjoy one for a while. I spotted her at a table by the window and sat down in a rush.
"Sorry I'm late! Teddy had a Quidditch match this morning and I would have been in far too much trouble if I'd missed it!" I said after kissing her on the cheek.
"It's quite all right! I've been spending my time watching the world go by. It's a beautiful day and everyone's in such a rush!" she said with her brilliant smile. "I ordered you a Margarita."
"Oh, you really shouldn't have," I said, picking up my menu to hide my grin.
"And why not? It's always wonderful to have a drink waiting for you when you arrive. Here they come now." A moment later, a waiter set down two enormous, bell-shaped glasses full of pure alcoholic delight and I had to resist the impulse to lick the salt from the rim and take a deep swallow.
I lowered my menu and watched as Sarah did exactly that. "No, you really shouldn't have," I said, watching her expression change as comprehension dawned and that brilliant smile came out again.
"Ginny," she whispered as she took my hand and squeezed it tight. "That's wonderful! You did the potion?"
I nodded, not really trusting my voice to speak. I reached for the glass of water with my other hand and took a long drink. "Would you be my midwife?"
"I would be honored," she said, obviously flattered by my request. She opened her huge handbag and pulled out a worn day planner and a pen. "Now, how far along do you think you are?" she asked, thumbing through the pages.
We spent the rest of the time at the restaurant planning, noting down trimester milestones and formulating an eating plan. "I know what you get up to at that hospital," she said sternly. "You can't let yourself be run off your feet. Keep some nuts on you, at least."
"Yes ma'am," I grinned, glad that she was on my side. Not for the first time, I thought that Sarah would be a formidable opponent if crossed.
"Have you been checked yet?"
"No, I have an appointment next week," I said. "Harry is going to come with me."
"Is he nervous? I remember Archimedes was when I was pregnant with our first. Always trying to do things for me and just making the most terrible messes," she said with fond remembrance.
"Well, Harry does most of the cooking anyway, so if there's a mess to be made, it's going to be me making it!"
Many would say that I've had an eventful life and I would tend to agree with them. I've seen a lot of things happen and had several terrible things happen to me, but nothing comes even close to watching my wife close herself off from me. We'd had a bare week of joy, of a shared secret, before it all came crashing down in a Healer's exam room. Never in my life had I seen such happiness turn into sorrow so quickly.
When I was The Boy Who Lived, I usually had a pretty good idea of what I had to do and at the end, I definitely knew what to do, but now I feel completely useless. Outwardly, she seemed fine. Quieter than usual, more tired, but that could easily have been attributed to the long hours she spent at the hospital, coming home hours after Teddy and me. I always had something set aside for her, kept warm and fresh by magic, but more often than not, she begged off.
"Thanks, Harry, but I had a snack at work. I'm just going to go to bed," she said one night when she didn't come home until nearly ten. Teddy was in his room, so she made no attempt at hiding the apathy in her voice.
"Gin, you need to eat," I said, practically begging her.
"What for?" she asked, looking me straight in the eye with devastating calm.
Gutted, I could only look away, listening to the sound of her footsteps as she walked away from me, retreating into sleep.
Later that night, I listened to her breathing as I lay next to her, unable to sleep. Conscious of waking her, I stayed very still and did not touch her at all, a new situation for us. We usually slept with some part of our bodies touching, but that had changed of late. This was another thing I didn't know how to fix.
I closed my eyes, wishing for sleep, but I found myself remembering that first visit to the Healer's just a few weeks ago. Things had started out great with Healer Johnson putting her hands all over Ginny, gently prodding her still-flat belly as they chattered away. I mostly just sat there and tried to disappear into the background until she picked up a device that looked rather like a cone with a small speaker attached at the end.
"Ready to hear your baby's heartbeat?" she asked, smiling at both of us. My own heart sped up as Ginny reached her hand out to take mine, a brilliant smile on her face. Healer Johnson put the cone against Ginny's abdomen and slowly moved it around, searching for the elusive, fast swish-swish sound I'd found a sample of online.
Frowning, the Healer moved the cone more slowly and I glanced at Ginny. She had her own frown and I could see her holding back the urge to make suggestions. "That's odd," the Healer murmured, setting aside the device to press down on Ginny's stomach, making her suck in a breath. She put the cone back on her, and we all leaned in toward it, listening intently and hearing nothing.
"And the potion turned clear?" the Healer asked, continuing to slide the device around.
"Yes," Ginny said, voice tight.
"Where did you get the potion from?"
"I made it myself." Her tone was sharp and the Healer colored a little.
"Of course." She turned to her chart and I heard her murmuring "eight weeks" and "should be there" to herself. I squeezed Ginny's hand and she squeezed back hard enough to make my knuckles grind together. "I'll be right back," the Healer said as she left the exam room.
We sat silently until she returned a few minutes later. She was carrying a device that looked like a picture frame without any picture in it, just clear glass. I raised my eyebrows at Ginny, but she wasn't looking at me; she was looking at Healer Johnson and the device. "An Imaging Window?" she asked.
"Yes. I want to take a look in there and see if he or she is hiding way down deep. Sometimes they do," she said with a reassuring smile. "I'm sure everything is fine." Admonishing Ginny to lie still, she laid the device on her bare skin and tapped her wand against the frame, murmuring the incantation to activate it.
I sat up straighter as the pane of glass glowed, but I couldn't make any sense out of what I was seeing. Dark gray, white and black all ran together, but it must have meant something to Healer Johnson. "Ah, there you are," she said quietly and I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. She made some gestures, sliding her fingers across the pane and I watched as her expression darkened.
"What's wrong?" Ginny asked quietly.
The Healer was quiet for several moments before she answered, Ginny grinding my knuckles the whole time. "I see the sac, but I don't see the fetus. And the sac is smaller than it should be. You're certain of the date of your last period?"
"Yes."
The Healer tapped the device again and the strange, glowing images went away. She set the thing aside and picked up Ginny's chart, making several notes. "According to that, then you should be around eight weeks gestational age. There is the chance that we might not be able to hear the heartbeat, but I should be able to see the fetus on the Imaging Window and I don't see one."
I didn't think it was possible, but Ginny managed to clamp down on my hand even harder. "Are you certain?" she said, her voice determinedly calm.
"Well, it may not be anything. We could still be a couple of weeks off and you're only six weeks instead of eight." She finally looked up from her notes and smiled. "Let's schedule you for another look-see in a week. I'm sure we'll hear something then."
But we didn't. The next week, it was the same thing. "I'm sorry," Healer Johnson said, "but the pregnancy doesn't seem to be progressing."
"What?" I asked. The Healer looked at me, startled that I had even spoken. I cleared my throat. "What does that mean?"
"It means that there's something wrong," Ginny answered, sounding empty of emotion.
"That there may be something wrong. Let's give it a bit more time and see what develops." She sounded like she was trying to be cheerful, but it fell flat in the small exam room. On the way out, we scheduled an appointment for the next week.
At home, Ginny retreated into quiet despite my attempts to draw her out of her shell. When I reached for her hand she either drew away or stayed passive. Even worse, when I tried to kiss her, she turned away. She needs her space, don't pressure her, I said to myself.
"What's the matter with Ginny?" Teddy asked me quietly when Ginny refused dinner and just went to bed.
"She's feeling a bit under the weather. She'll be all right," I said with a confidence I didn't feel.
Our last visit at the Healer's and there was no change. Just an empty sac and even though we were both expecting it, the news was devastating, leaving me shaking and confused. "Nothing?" I asked, my voice sounding loud in the exam room. "But the potion turned clear."
"Technically, there is a pregnancy, but there is no fetus. It's likely that there was, but it wasn't viable and Ginny just hasn't miscarried yet." The words were delivered gently, but they still hit me with the force of physical blows.
"I want it out. I'm not waiting to miscarry," Ginny said, sounding cold and hard.
"Ginny, it's usually best to let things run their natural course—"
"No. Get it out of me," she interrupted.
The Healer looked at her for a long moment and finally nodded. "All right. We'll get you an appointment."
Tomorrow, I thought as I turned over on my side, still looking at my wife in the dim light of the room. She didn't want me to come with her and I thought about insisting, but I didn't want to force myself into a space she clearly didn't want me in. It was late enough that I was sure she was actually sleeping instead of pretending as she had been these days, so I reached out a hand, laying it gently on the curve of her hip, the feeling of her heat against my palm soothing. Moving slower than slow, I wormed my way over to her, crossing the empty space separating us until I snugged up against her, soaking in her warmth.
The next morning, she was up before me and I woke to the sound of the shower. At breakfast, she just sipped tea, refusing even toast. I deliberately hung back, waiting for Teddy to leave before I did. Once he was gone in a flurry of soot and powder, I turned to Ginny.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come?" I asked, taking both of her hands in mine. To my relief, she didn't just let hers hang limply in mine, but took hold.
"I'm sure. There's nothing for you to do, really. They'll put me to sleep and perform the procedure, wake me up and send me home," she said, making it sound as if she was just popping over to the shop for some milk.
"How will you get home? I can come with the car."
"I'll be fine to Apparate." She squeezed my hands and gave me a small smile. "Don't worry, love."
"I will worry."
"I know you will." She went up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips softly to mine; the first kiss in what seemed like forever.
All morning, I was distracted and my classes were impossible to manage, the rambunctious teenagers seriously making me contemplate just packing it all in and running away. At lunchtime, I skipped meeting Juanita in the lunchroom and sat at my desk, head in my hands, trying not to think of what Ginny must be going through.
They should be starting any moment now, I thought as I looked at my watch. I'd thought about having Ginny describe the procedure to me, but I didn't want to make her talk about something she herself wasn't looking forward to. I'd looked up the Muggle procedure and instantly regretted it, fervently hoping that the Wizarding Healer procedure would somehow not be as awful.
As I sat there, I tried to sort out my own feelings. I felt the whole thing was rather unfair. Everyone else gets pregnant at the drop of a hat; why couldn't we? What was wrong with us? Unable to sit still any longer, I left my classroom and went to the loo. As I washed my hands, my old scar caught my eye and I froze. Is this Voldemort's lasting legacy? Am I doomed to be the last of my family? I shook my head in refusal. No. It can't be. Any bit of him is gone and has been for fifteen years. I pushed aside these doubts and left, absently nodding to students lolling in the springtime sun.
Back in my classroom, I resumed my spot at my desk, staring at my watch and wishing I was at Ginny's side. That afternoon, I watched the clock as assiduously as any student, sending a message to Terry that I wouldn't be able to make practice that afternoon. As soon as the last student was through my Floo, I practically ran out of my classroom, nearly knocking over Juanita.
"Harry, what—" she began, frowning at my haste.
"Sorry, got to go. I'll chat tomorrow, yeah?" I threw over my shoulder. I sent my stag to Teddy, letting him know that I was heading home and that he should come home directly after Quidditch practice. No messing about with Duncan, all right?
Finally far enough off campus to Apparate, I appeared in our lounge, my eyes immediately falling on Ginny, curled into a ball on the sofa, Stuart purring away in her lap. Heedless of the expensive electronics inside, I dropped my bag to the floor and went to her, carefully pushing aside the cat and gathering her into my arms, holding onto her as we both fell apart, grieving for the child that never was to be.
I stood in the empty apartment, reading over the pathology report. Multiple chromosomal abnormalities incompatible with life, it said, the dry, impartial tone of the writing washing over me. Just a random error in cell division, something far beyond my ability to control. Sighing, I tossed the letter onto the kitchen worktop where Harry would be sure to see it. He'd want to know and I didn't feel like being the one to tell him.
Truth be told, I wasn't feeling much these days. I functioned in a sort of gray haze, moving automatically from home to work and back to home again. I kept my emotions bunched up like a tight fist, reasoning that if I didn't allow myself to feel anything, then I couldn't be hurt.
I looked at my watch. Harry and Teddy would be home in a couple of hours and the thought of facing them, of having to be present and interact with them was exhausting. I relished the quiet of the apartment and stretched out on the sofa, idly turning on the telly and flipping through the channels. Stuart jumped up and made himself comfortable on my flat stomach. He was pretty much the only other living thing in the apartment I could tolerate right now, demanding nothing more from me than the occasional pat.
Settling on a vapid afternoon chat show, I closed my eyes, letting the ooohs and ahhhs of the studio audience soothe me. I'd had my six-week post-procedure exam this afternoon and Healer Johnson had given me the all-clear. "You can start trying again whenever you feel up to it," she'd said with a smile. The thought of it filled me with dread.
Why should it, though? I still loved Harry and I still wanted a baby, but the effort involved, the emotion, the vulnerability … the seemingly inevitable disappointment were all just too much to overcome. So I did nothing, choosing to exist in this gray space where I touched nothing and nothing touched me.
Waking from a doze, I realized the vapid chat show I'd had on earlier had transitioned to news and I frowned at my watch. Harry and Teddy would be home very soon, filling up the space with their presence and attention and I pushed down a rising panic. I'll hide in the lab, I thought as I got up from the sofa. Harry will think I'm still at work and then I can 'come home' and go to sleep.
A moment later, I was down in the garage lab, old lights buzzing overhead. I hadn't been down here since I'd used the Pregnancy Detecting Potion and watched it turn clear. My chest felt tight at the memory of pure elation and I took several deep breaths, pushing away the jangling brightness of the feeling, seeking the comfort of my gray fog. My eyes fell on the clear vial, still in the test tube holder I'd left it in and an electric shock forced its way through my detachment.
Suddenly angry beyond words, I picked up the vial and threw it as hard as I could toward the wall over the utility sink where it smashed to bits with a satisfying crash, the smell of lilacs permeating the air. Awash in savage delight, I grabbed the rack containing the unused vials. There were easily two dozen of them, reflecting back the moss green of a flawlessly brewed Pregnancy Detecting Potion, waiting for the opportunity to dispense good news.
I picked one out, feeling the weight of the glass and liquid inside in my hand, weighing it carefully as I sighted the blotch left on the wall by the clear one. Focusing my rage, I threw it like a knife, watching as it flipped end over end to smash against the wall in the exact same place with that satisfying tinkle of exploding glass, leaving a splash of green that slowly trickled down. My time as a Chaser had done me well and I picked up another, expelling a grunt of effort as I hurled it as hard as I could.
The green blotch on the wall grew larger as I made a game of it, varying my throwing style but always hitting my target. Shards of glass glittered in the light of the lab and I imagined the sharp pieces shredding away the gray fog that enshrouded me, revealing the white-hot anger that burned inside of me. The anger that threatened to overwhelm me whenever I saw a pregnant woman waddling around the hospital or saw a young family out for a walk, pushchair leading the way.
The shameful resentment at my brother's letter, updating us on Hermione's pregnancy. He'd enclosed a picture and she looked radiantly beautiful as she smiled down at Rose's wonder-filled face, holding the girl's hand against her rounded belly. I fought the urge to snatch the picture from Harry and crumple it into a tiny ball. I'd only nodded and said, "Nice."
Reaching my hand out for the last vial, eyes fixed on the green stain on the wall, I felt another hand close over mine and I turned to see Harry. I felt a flash of fury at his invasion of my privacy. Didn't he know that I was hiding from him? That I just couldn't deal with his demands right now? That all I wanted was to be left alone and not be made to feel anything? Looking into eyes almost the exact same color of the potion I was throwing away with barbaric glee, I saw that he did know.
I felt the tattered shreds of my comforting gray fog blow away, leaving me raw and I collapsed against him, heedless of his nice work shirt as he practically crushed me to him while all of the emotions I hadn't been allowing myself to feel rushed to the surface. Together, we sank down to the concrete floor of the lab while the storm of anger, fear and helplessness rushing through me ran its course, leaving me with an altogether different feeling of exhaustion.
Curled up on his lap, I finally looked up at him, afraid of what I might see in his face. "Sorry," I whispered, relieved not to see pity or anger in his expression.
"For what?" he asked, his voice a rumble against my ear. I shrugged and he hugged me tighter, letting out a long sigh that sounded as if he'd been holding his breath for weeks. In a way, I suppose he had been. I don't know how long we stayed like that on the floor of the lab, but I gradually became aware of Harry's subtle shifting around and I realized that he must be incredibly uncomfortable.
"I should let you up," I said quietly.
"Hang on a moment." He dug around in his pocket and pulled out his phone, rapidly tapping out a message.
"Teddy?"
"Yeah. I sent him out for Chinese." I felt his warm lips against my temple as he kissed me. "All right?"
I considered his question. I definitely wasn't all right; I could feel the gray fog hovering close by, ready to engulf me again. "No, but I will be," I finally said, feeling the faint ring of truth in my words.
Standing up, I helped Harry up, wincing at the mess I'd made of his nice white shirt, now full of makeup stains. He looked down and back up at me with a wry smile. "You don't even look like you're wearing makeup," he said, taking my hand.
"Just a bit of mascara. Haven't really had the energy for much else." My eyes fell on the remaining vial of potion and I felt a burst of embarrassment over my childish behavior. Harry saw me looking at it and picked it up, bouncing it in his palm like I'd seen him do with a piece of chalk. Closing it in his fist, I watched as he cocked his arm back and hurled the vial with prodigious force, sending it crashing into the middle of the green blotch I'd made on the wall.
"That felt really good," he remarked casually as we left the lab.
Later that night after Chinese food and terrible reality TV, I lay in bed curled up next to Harry, my head pillowed on his shoulder for the first time in ages. His hand stroking my hair was lulling me to sleep and I finally felt relaxed. "I saw the report," he said quietly.
"I left it there for you."
"I figured you had."
"Did Teddy see it?"
"No." We had decided that we would not tell that we were trying to have a baby until there was actually something to tell. The last thing we needed was a teenage boy giving us awkward looks every time we hugged.
"I had my checkup this afternoon," I said after a few moments of silence.
"Oh?"
"I'm all clear for … whenever we want to start … trying again," I said, holding my breath for his response.
His hand continued to move through my hair and I heard his heart speed up a little. "That's good."
I felt a rising anxiety and I closed my eyes, focusing on the feeling of being here with Harry, of being safe and loved and I felt the anxiety fade away. "Do you mind if we don't, for a little while?"
"No, love." He shifted onto his side, scooting down to look at me, running his thumb over my cheek. "I want you healthy and happy and if that means putting a baby on the back burner for now, that's the way it's going to be, yeah?"
I felt a knot in my chest I didn't even know I had loosen and melt away, leaving me to breathe easy. "Yeah," I whispered.