So in this chapter, Bella starts doing something she really shouldn't. She still loves Edward of course, but keep in mind for 60 years she's been restless and unhappy so it has led to some unexpected events with Jacob....dont worry in the end it will all work out well!
***
So I got the grand tour of Jacobs home, he was especially proud of the ridiculously large television he had stuck to the wall. Emmett would love it. It wasn't until the Pizza delivery guy had left, and Jacob was tucking into his pizza that the conversation got serious.
"So," he started, "Tell me all about your rough patch."
"Ugh" and I flopped back on the couch like I was in a real shrink's office. "I don't even know where to start to tell the truth."
"The beginning?" he asked.
"Im not even sure when that is either." I sighed, "Its just things aren't that great at the moment, well, I don't even know how to explain. Things are good, great I guess, but I still seem unsettled, I get bored so fast of everything." I noticed Jacob had stopped chewing.
"Everything?" he said with a mouthful of pizza, and I knew exactly where his mind went. Typical.
"Ok, well not everything then." And Jacob nodded and began chewing his pizza again.
I continued, "I think, maybe just after so long you would naturally get bored, surely you know what I mean Jake."
He nodded in response, but didn't say anything while reaching for another slice of pizza.
"I guess I've reached that point where I wonder if I made the right decision."
Jacob almost choked on the piece of Pizza in his mouth. "What?" he said, more loudly then Im sure he intended. Shock written all over his face. "I thought you were happy Bells."
"I am happy..... I think, I love Edward, I love him so much, I cant imagine my life without him, but I lay in bed and daydream at night about the what ifs of my life." I was walking into unfamiliar territory with this conversation, I had never talked to anyone, ever, about the what if's of my life, but with Jacob it just flowed easily out of my mouth, and once I started there was no stopping my verbal diarrhea. "Everything is what if, what if I didn't marry Edward, what if I didn't get changed, what if I just stayed human, what if…."
"You choose me," Jacob almost whispered.
I sat up and looked at him; he looked shocked, and pale.
"Yes I've thought of that," I admitted. "I thought of what our life could have been like, we would have had children," and I smiled at the thought. "We would have grown old together, it would have been nice."
"Yes," Jacob said, "it would have been nice."
"Its not that I don't love Edward, but Im bored and restless. Everything is the same every single day. Do you know how many times I've graduated?" Jacob shook his head, "10 times, 10 frickn times, and the cullens would of continued that pattern forever if it wasn't for me, but I just cant do it. I think I would literally go insane if I had to do that, and for a vampire that's not a good thing."
"So do you ever think about us?" Jacob asked, clearly curious.
"Did you even listen to what I just said Jake?"
"Yeah course, but Im just curious if you ever thought of us together?"
I closed my eyes and sighed, of course I had but should I tell him that. Id imagined his hot arms wrapped around my cold body numerous times. Fire and Ice becoming one. Of course I felt guilty with Edward laying right next to me when I imagined these thoughts, but it was never the fact that I was bored with Edward, it was more the fact that Jacob was…different, he was just someone else, something different, something new. I imagined it, but I had no intention of actually acting on it..... I wouldn't do that to Edward, I wouldn't do that to Jacob either..... I dont think.
"Course," I said, hoping desperately that I came across it being no big deal.
Jacob just grinned his big grin. "Cool!" he said.
"Now now Jake, don't let it go to your head ok and for god sake whatever you do don't think about it with Edward around!"
"I wont, I won't" Jacob said, I could tell he was feeling rather pleased with himself. I hoped it didn't go to his head. He was sitting there with a goofy grin on his face and I wished I had kept my mouth shut.
"I thought of that to," he said quietly. Id be lying if I said it didn't get my attention. I sat up and looked at him, wide eyed and full of wonder. I didn't think Jacob thought like that, not for over 100 years anyway.
"Did you? Did you really?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Yes course I have Bella," he said seriously.
I thought about what he said for a moment. "Well," I said with a smirk, "can't say I'm not surprised." And I laughed, and Jacob joined in making any seriousness in our conversation disappear.
"Don't let it go to your head." He retorted.
"So why are you single?" I asked, effectively changing the subject.
"I can't settle," he said matter of factly.
"Oh come on! There has to be more to it then that."
He sighed and looked slightly uncomfortable.
I patted the couch next to me, and he came and sat next to me. He was close enough that I felt the heat from his skin radiating off his body.
"It's just…."
"Just what? You can tell me Jake." I said softly, hoping to encourage him to open up to me.
He let out a long slow sign, "It's just Im afraid, I think, and it's hard to be with someone in my condition. I'm not really willing to give up being a wolf, so I wont age, and how am I suppose to explain that Im not aging? Im use to being a wolf, I don't even know if I know how to stop."
"Oh Jake." I said and put my around him to comfort him.
"And Im afraid to grow old now, Im afraid to die. I've lived this way for so long and thought of giving it up scares the living crap out of me. So I stay single, sure I've had a relationships but none that's lasted more then 2-3 years. Every woman I've been with I've had to call it off because I feel like Im getting into deep with them, when they start talking marriage Im breaking up with them that week. Sometimes I get lucky and they break up with me."
"Jake that's really sad, you deserve to find love, and you deserve to be happy."
"You have love Bells, are you any happier then me at this moment in time?"
He had a point. A very good point.
"Im happy….enough" I replied to him, I wasn't lying.
"Then Im happy enough to." He sighed.
"Did you ever think when you first started phasing that you would live this long?" I asked.
He turned and looked at me, "No I didn't, and I would have given it up to be with you if things had gone that way. I would have wanted children with you, to grow old with you."
I knew in that moment, if I could have cried I would have. I let out a dry tearless sob.
"Oh Jacob," and I reached for him and hugged him, his arms wrapped around me, and I felt the heat burn through my clothes from where his arms sat.
"I love you Bells, you know that."
"I love you to Jake." I said.
"Even though it never happened, I miss the life we could have had. I know I shouldn't even be saying that, but after 100 or so years I think I can say it out loud now."
I saw in my own mind what he meant, the children, the life we would have had, it would have been a good life, and I could have had grand children.
"I miss the life we could have had to," and it was true, but in saying that if I could have had that life with Edward, Jacob would have been second best again. My love for Edward had lead me to sacrifice everything. I could see why Rosalie voted against me now when I wanted to change, it wasn't a life she wanted for herself. I knew exactly what she meant now.
"If I could have been shown a glimpse of the future before I changed, I don't think I would have gone through with it."
"Really?" Jacob asked, pulling back from the hug.
"Yeah really, it is an isolated life living like this. You can live your life normally and phase when required. Im forever in this state, can't go out in the sun, can't celebrate thanks giving with a feast….well not a real food feast with family. All that's gone for me now and it does make me sad. I changed solely for love, and I do love Edward, I love him so much, but love isn't really enough. I can't even find anything I like enough to stay at it for long. I get bored, and that's where the problem is. And the worst thing is I know for a fact that if it wasn't for the Cullen's I would have gone…bad"
"Oh no Bella, don't talk like that. You don't want to be like that." Jacob said softly, concern the only emotion I could read on his face.
"I don't want to be bad, but it's like I lie there and think…fuck it maybe I should. I don't know how you do it Jacob, how you stay so level headed."
Jacob looked thoughtful for a moment. "To be honest, I don't know. I guess it's because Im not like you, Im not isolated, I can live my life normally, and I can celebrate thanks giving with a feast and friends. I think that's where the difference is Bells, if I was alone like how your family is then I'd probably go a little nuts to." And he chuckled, "nutty Bella."
I gave him a slight whack on the arm, "Shut up Jake."
Jake stood up and began to clear the pizza box off the table, "Im just going to make me a coffee Bells."
"Ok" I said, and decided to follow him into the kitchen. His kitchen was surprisingly clean for a single male; his food cupboard was possibly the same size as Alice's walk in wardrobe. It was ridiculously large and totally stocked with food. "Im a hungry man." He said smiling.
"Yes I can see that," I said still looking at all the food.
"So," he said "was I any good?" while he waited for the jug to boil.
"What?" I asked, what was he talking about?
"In you little daydreams, was I any good?"
Oh I thought to myself. I was glad now for being a vampire, no blush to give me away.
"You were fantastic," I said smiling, at the same time I wondered should I even be talking like this with Jacob. Edward would have a huge fit if he knew, but he didn't know so I let it go.
"You were pretty fantastic in my fantasies to, but your hair was longer in my fantasies."
"What?" I couldn't help but ask questions, my curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself asking questions about a fantasy sex life that didn't exist except in our own minds.
"Yeah your hair was longer, I just liked envisioning you that way" he said, like it was no big deal as he poured his coffee.
"Why longer? How much longer" I asked, my hair was long as it was. How much longer would he want it?
"Like right down to the top of your butt," he said as he put the milk back in the fridge after adding some to his coffee, he took his coffee and headed back to where we were seated in the living area. "I don't know why I made it longer, it just was. I liked how it was long enough to hide your breasts, and then go down your stomach and then Id brush your hair out of the way and it would just glide along your back….ok I think I've said way to much!" he said has he sat down on the couch, I sat down next to him, clearly god smacked by what he said. I think my jaw had fallen on the ground.
I pulled my hair to the front of me, attempting to cover my clothed over, breasts. "See" I said, "My hair is long enough as it is to cover my breasts."
He looked at me, unconvinced. "I think my version is better," and he smiled.
"What? What else did you change then, I bet Im human as well in your little make believe world" I couldn't help but come off sounding a little grumpy. In my fantasies Jake was just the same, I didn't change a single thing about him, well I kind of add bits in myself that I hadn't seen before, but the basics I kept the same.
"No you were how you are now," he said. "Bella, you're beautiful either way. You're still Bella, so I see you how you have been for the last how many years? It's just the normal. Everything was the same; I didn't make your boobs bigger or anything. I can't even believe you're asking me these kinds of questions anyway."
He had a point.
But I didn't really care. I wanted to know.
"So what's your best fantasy of having me then?" I asked, and he spat his coffee all over the floor.
"Bella!"
"What? It's just a question" I said innocently. "And if you tell me one of your fantasies, Ill tell you one of mine."
He quirked an eyebrow at me, obviously unsure whether or not to believe me. Or maybe he just couldn't believe that we were having this conversation. I could barely believe it myself, but for the first time in a long time I was excited about something. This was something new, I hadn't done this before.
"Are you for real?" he breathed.
"I sure am." I said, I pulled my legs up on the couch and kneeled on the couch facing him, with my arm on the back the seat. I felt like a teenager, getting ready to hear some dirty gossip.
"Ok" he said quietly, "Im kind of freaking out here Bella, so bare with me here."
I nodded, and waited patiently for him to start. He drank the rest of the coffee, and I wondered how he managed to not burn his mouth, maybe he had more milk in it then I thought. The thought quickly left my mind as soon as it entered.
He rubbed his face, and settled back into the couch, "shit, where do I start?" he muttered.
"At the beginning" I said, trying to sound encouraging.
He sighed and let his head fall back against the couch. "Ok, well I had this one fantasy where you snuck in my window at night, and then yeah."
"Yeah what?" I asked.
"Well you know," he said squirming uncomfortable on the couch.
"Details Jacob! I want details!" I demanded.
"Shessh Bella, you know this is embarrassing. Just because you can't blush anymore."
"Would it help if we role played?" I asked.
"Are you insane?"
"No" I retorted. "It's not like we will get naked and actually do anything."
I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but I couldn't help myself. It had been 60 years since I had talked to another person for more then 5 minutes, I could barely contain my excitement. And I wasn't going to get naked, and I wasn't going to let Jacob touch me, and I wouldn't touch him.... It would be ok. ...Edward didn't need to know because technically I didn't do anything but listen to a story. Well that's what I told myself
Jacob seemed really unsure, but I tugged him by the hand and took him to his room.
"Ok so Im at the window right, and your where? Lying on the bed?"
"Uh yeah, Bella are you sure about this?" he asked.
"Now get on the bed," I told him, ignoring his question. "And talk me through all of it."
"Ooooook" Jacob replied slowly, he seemed really flustered at that moment. "Looks Bells, I have to say I can't believe we are doing this, let alone the fact that you even want to do this. But this is my fantasy and I apologize in advance because I know Im going to um…get excited over this, no matter how much I don't want to, well yeah, um"
"Just get on the dam bed Jacob"
He didn't say another word and lay down on the bed.
"Ok, so Im creeping through the window right, and then what?"
"You are naked."
"Ok, well Im not doing that part, so for this stories sake well say Im naked."
"Ok" he replied.
"Then what happens?"
"Well you uh start by creeping up the bed and then nibbling on my ear."
I leapt effortlessly onto the bed, keeping a small bit of distance between us, I just breathed by his ear, and he shuddered.
"Oh…not good." Jacob breathed.
"Why?" I whispered.
"Cause Im liking this Bells, I don't think that's right."
"Then what happened Jacob?" I whispered into his ear, and he shuddered again.
"Well uh, you used your vampire power to rip my clothes off." He said quietly.
And before I could say done, I had ripped all of his clothes except for his boxers from him.
"Bella!" he almost yelled, "what the fuck!?"
"Calm down Jacob," I whispered into his ear, "this is your fantasy remember, Im just making it as close to possible as I can ok. Don't worry, the boxers will stay….unless your friend busts the seam" and I couldn't help but giggle.
"Oh god," he groaned "Im so embarrassed right now."
"Don't be, now where were we?"
"Hey hang on a minute, how come Im in my boxers, and your still fully clothed. I thought this was my fantasy"
I thought about his for a moment, then quickly removed my clothing except for my under garments, they were staying. I knew I really was crossing the line here, but I didn't want to stop. I would deal with the consequences later.
I heard Jacob's sharp intake of breath. "Bella, you have no idea what you're doing to me."
"It's your fantasy" I simply stated, and climbed onto the bed next to him. "So what next?"
"Well it's kind of complicated now, we explore each others bodies, and then we, well, do it."
"So how does that start?" I ask
"Well you are, well straddling me, and I….."
While I listen to him talk, I can feel that familiar burn in the pit of my stomach. Im enjoying this far too much. It's like reading those erotic books, and you get the feeling while you are reading.
"Im sitting up, facing you of course while you straddle me, your long hair, is covering your breasts, and I push the long hair over your shoulders so you bare your breasts to me, then Im rubbing your breasts in my hand, and I can feel your nipples go hard under my touch."
I can't help but let the soft moan escape my lips; he's got this whole fantasy down to a tee. Every detail he knows.
"Bella?" he asks, "Are you ok?"
"Fine" I reply my voice a raspy whisper. I need more. I sit up and straddle him, and Jacob gasps. "Rub my breasts through my bra Jake." I almost demand of him.
"Bells?" he asks, and I can see the uncertainty in his eyes. Can he do this to himself, can he even do it Edward, but can he turn this opportunity away, and he cant, and he reaches for my breast. The bra will stay on I tell myself, it has to and it will.