You're serious, right? This isn't just the wine talking? This isn't just that we just had amazing sex and you're high on endorphins? Like, this is for real? You really want to go through with this?"
Alex rolled over and placed a kiss on her bare shoulder. "You ask alot of questions."
"Because I want you to be sure," Piper snuggled further under the covers and into the warm cocoon their bodies created. "This is a big decision and I want you to say yes because you want to, not because you feel pressured."
"Since when do I do things I don't wanna do?"
She smiled indulgently. "I don't know...like when I make you put away your laundry or load the dishwasher...you hate that."
Alex chortled. " Because that stuff sucks. Seriously, tell me one person who fucking enjoys folding laundry."
"I like folding laundry."
"That's because you're weird," Pulling her girlfriend down on top of her, Alex kissed her hungrily. "I'd say let's go ahead and make a baby right now if we could."
"Mhmmm, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you," Piper moaned as Alex's hands slid over the length of her body. "No, really though," She pushed Alex back gently. "You're sure you want to go ahead with this? Because once we do, that's it, there's no going back."
"Piper," Alex groaned, thoroughly annoyed as she'd been working on running her teeth lightly over one particular vein in Piper's neck, a thing she knew for a fact would immediately work in Alex's favor. "OK, listen," She propped herself up on the pillow on an elbow. "Let's do it...I mean, I know shit about kids but...I'll learn, right? And I think you'll be an amazing mom. Look at the way you make sure I have my act together. I'd probably be dead if I didn't have you around to make sure I eat and sleep and everything. And besides," She smiled, taking Piper's hand, "You're the one who's going to be doing all the hard work. Like actually pushing out a baby...not that I really want to think about that," she shuddered. "I'm just along for the ride."
Piper had a tendency to stare deeply into her eyes and as cliche as it was to say it was if she could see into Alex's soul, sometimes it was the only adequate way to describe the way she looked at her. At first, it had unnerved her but it hadn't taken long before it warmed her to the tips of her toes. When they'd been apart, it had made her inexplicably sad to know she would never be looked that way again.
"You don't think I'm too old?" Frowning, her nose wrinkled slightly and Alex couldn't resist sneaking a kiss on the bridge. "I mean, all the books say once you're past thirty five, the risk for miscarriage goes up and so does the baby's chances for certain genetic things, like Downs Syndrome..." She trailed off.
"First of all, you're thirty six, Pipes, not sixty. Women have kids well into their forties now. Second of all, stop reading shit that's going to make you crazy. Yes, there are about a thousand things that could go wrong. But I could also go outside tomorrow to get the mail and get mowed down by a random car. Things happen. Like all the time."
Piper shook her head. "Not helping."
"My point is," Alex sighed, "If this is something you really want, we should do it. Like you said, we're not getting any younger. Do you really wanna be those old parents? The ones that are constantly embarrassing their kids? No thanks."
She rolled her eyes and then her expression changed, softened, into a wistful smile. "I think we're at a good place right now, don't you? One of us can work from home for awhile, until she's older."
Alex raised an eyebrow. "She?"
Her girlfriend reddened. "Or he," she corrected quickly. "Anyway...you're right. There's no reason not to try. It may take awhile...these things don't always happen right away. And we've got to find a donor."
Alex made a face. "Let's not go into an in depth discussion about that, OK? I'll leave that to you. I have no doubt you'll find a Yale grad student who's doing his dissertation on colonization in Uganda and a family lineage of politicans and through bred horse breeders."
Piper laughed. "It's kind of scary how well you know me."
They were quiet for a moment. "Your mom is gonna lose her shit," Alex stroked lightly up and down Piper's forearm. "She already hates my guts."
"Well, I love you. And she loves me and so does my dad. And they're going to love this baby no matter what."
"Notice how you didn't disagree with me," Alex joked. "They'll love our baby alright...if loving them means trying to tell you how to do everything. Remember what a pain in the ass they were when Neri was pregnant with Luna?"
"You said our baby," Piper's eyes were bright as she kissed Alex's cheek. "Oh my God, we're doing this, aren't we? We're really going to try to have a baby."
Alex took her into her arms and kissed her forehead, then her nose and finally, her lips. "I want what you want, Pipes. Always have."
The snow swirling and whipping through the air, leaving patterns of delicate lace on the world it was beginning to blanket. It was beautiful and Alex may have thought it even more so if it weren't making it so difficult to see the road laying out in front of her. Having grown up just outside of Boston, she was certainly no stranger to driving in the snow but the fact she was traveling in a fucking snow globe, coupled with the damn tears that were obscuring her vision, did not make for an easy trip.
The image of Piper's anguished expression as she was leaving plays over and over in her mind and she feels her breathing hitch again. If running away from her life was supposed to calm the storm, it wasn't succeeding.
"Shit, this is getting bad," She murmurs aloud. A quick glance at the clock tells her she's on pace ( a slow one but a pace nonetheless.) to get to her destination. She'd been on the road all of ten minutes when she'd decided where to go, who she needed to talk to. Now, she worries she won't make it and the thought of spilling her guts over the phone was enough to make her want to vomit.
Even though she knew she was on borrowed time as far as the snow went, Alex decides to stop at the first gas station she sees to fill up the tank and grab a coffee. ("Gas station coffee, Alex, really?" Piper would always pull a face when Alex came back from paying for gas with a 99 cent cup of whatever they had on self serve. To which Alex would reply fondly, "Snob.")
As she pumps gas into the Durango, the snow whips around her wildly and she thinks of Piper again (not that she's stopped thinking of her since she walked out the door) who always made fun of her for actually going inside to pay for gas instead of simply paying at the pump like "normal people," as she put it. The memories keep whirling around her head and when she goes into the gas station to pay for both the gas and a coffee, she has to physically shake her head to escape the unwanted stream of images that were interrupting her ability to think.
Settling back into the seat of the truck, Alex lets the warm, slightly bitter liquid slid down her throat, its comfort almost immediate. She allows one more tear to slid down her cheek before squaring her shoulders and starting the engine. If she didn't move her ass, she'd be late.
Alex likes driving with the radio on but today she needs to be alone with her own thoughts, her head as clear as possible. The silence in the truck is deafening though and once or twice, she is tempted to drown out the sad shit in her head with some old school Metallica, but she stops herself.
"Pipes?" The house was dark as Alex entered and closed the door behind her, kicking off her shoes and throwing her macbook case on the floor. Piper had left the office almost an hour before her and the drive home through Manhattan traffic had put about an extra half an hour on her commute. The day had been filled with little annoyances; calls about unsolicited manuscripts, a pointless early morning meeting and it had been so crazy, she didn't get her usual lunch with Piper, the part of the day she looked forward to the most. Hell, her lunch had consisted of a wilted salad from Cosi and a can of Diet Coke she'd eventually sent her assistant out for at two. Traffic in general always put her in a shit mood so the drive home had been icing on the cake.
"Piper?" Alex tried again, switching on the hallway light. Her girlfriend had to be home, her car was in the driveway. She hadn't said much as she was leaving work, only that she was heading out and she would see Alex at home. Despite not overanalyzing things (that was Piper's speciality), she was a little worried. Piper didn't say as much but they had been trying to get pregnant for nearly three months now and she knew it was starting to take its toll on her. Three pregnancy tests, three negatives and this last time, Piper had stared at the stick in her hand as if it were dynamite. "Maybe it's not going to happen for us," She wasn't resigned but defeated and Alex ached for her. "Babe," she had replied gently, "If you want to keep trying, I'm right here with you, let's do it. But if you decide you've had enough...I'm with you on that too. There are other ways to go about..." She had stopped mid sentence. No one was going to let them adopt with their records and they both knew it. "Pipes, this is your decision, OK? Whatever you want, I want too."
"In the dining room," Piper called and relieved, Alex made her way down the hall. When she entered, she arched her eyebrows in suprise. "What's all this?"
The room was aglow with candlelight and in the center of the table was a bouquet of irises and lillies. Their best dishes were laid out and the aroma of Coq Au Vin (Alex's favorite) wafted from the serving platters on the table, making her mouth water. In the midst of the romantic setting was Piper, wearing a fitted black dress Alex hadn't seen her in in awhile, her hair loose around her face.
"Just a little something to say I'm sorry," Piper said, wrapping her arms around Alex's neck. "I know I haven't been easy to deal with lately and you've been so sweet."
"No apologies necessary," Alex pulled her close and buried her face into her hair. "I get it. And I'm in this, remember what we said when we got back together? We wouldn't let anything tear us apart. I meant it, Pipes."
"I know," She breathed, "But I know all of this has been alot for you too and this is my way of saying how much I appreciate you. And how much I love you. How much we love you."
"I love you too," The other woman kissed the crown of her hair. "Wait...what? We?" Alex swallowed hard. "Are you telling me..."
"Yeah," Piper whispered, her eyes bright. "Yeah." Reaching up, she kissed Alex softly. "Congratulations, Mama."
It was there in their dining room, with the candles and china and the gourmet meal Piper had ordered from their favorite French restaurant, that Alex began to feel the tiniest seeds of fear plant themselves in her mind, rooting themselves deep within her. Almost immediately, she felt ashamed. Wasn't this what she wanted? It was what she had told Piper she wanted, anyway. The fear didn't make sense...they were ready in every way for a baby and finally, they were in a place where Alex had no doubts about their relationship, if Piper would hurt her or she Piper. They were both different people who had grown up and found their way back to one another. A baby wouldn't change any of that, Alex was sure but still...there had to be a reason why her heartbeat quickened when Piper told her. And there had to be a reason her hopes had lifted just a few weeks ago when the possibility of quitting had been hanging in the air.
There was no way she was going to voice any of her concerns out loud. This was what Piper had been so badly wanting for months and now that it was finally happening, Alex saw no reason to shake her girlfriend out of her happy bubble. Besides, she had nine or so months to get used to the idea...she assumed she was just in shock and the excitement would follow later.
"I love you," Alex settled on saying, turning her attention to Piper. At a loss for words, she figured that was the one statement she was completely certain of.
And it turned out, it was exactly the right thing to say as Piper kissed her fiercely. It also turned out that Coq Au Vin was just as delicious cold.
Despite the snow picking up substantially the further she drove and the inability to control her racing thoughts, Alex is able to reach her destination on time, with minutes to spare. She steers the truck into visitor parking and turns off the engine, stepping out. It's then she looks at the building in front of her and realizes she can't move.
It isn't the first time she's been back since her release but it's been awhile since and the very sight of the prision makes her mouth go dry. It feels like a lifetime ago and it feels like another person entirely lived that life. Alex Vause, inmate and international drug cartel frontrunner ceased to exist. Standing and staring at the place she hated brought it all right back.
She focuses her gaze downwards, staring at her boots, concentrating on steadying her breath, in and out, in and out. It works and she's able to focus on why she drove 40 fucking minutes to get here.
"Now or never," Alex says quietly and goes into the visitors entrance. Luckily, she doesn't recognize the CO at check in, as most of the officer's from her time have long since been fired or quit. She gets her badge and a quick run down of rules (to which she really wants to roll her eyes at but refrains) and gets led into the visitors lounge.
"Well, look at what the cat dragged in." Sitting at one of the tables, looking as smug as ever with her arms across her chest was Nicky. "Been a long time, buttercup." She stands.
"Too long," Alex gives her one of the two hugs she's allowed and they sit. "I've been meaning to visit but...you know," she shrugs. "Life."
"No you haven't," Nicky laughs. "And I don't fucking blame you. I wouldn't come back to this shithole if I didn't have to either." She leans back into her chair. "So as much as it's really nice to see your mug and I'll admit, I missed you...why the hell are you here?"
It's Alex's turn to shrug. "Um, I wanted to see you. Catch up in person. Like you said, it's been a long time."
"In the middle of a fucking snowstorm? A phone call would have been just fine." Nicky leans forward. "Cut the bullshit, Vause. This is me you're talking to. Now what the fuck is going on that you drove almost an hour in a blizzard to talk to me about?" Her expression changes and she nods knowingly. "It's Chapman, isn't it? Trouble in paradise?"
Alex's face falls and she nods.
"Motherfucker," Nicky says lowly. "OK, talk fast. We don't have a lot of time to fix this."
"That's the thing, Nick," She wipes her eyes, sweeping her glasses to the top of her head. "I don't know if this can be fixed. The way I left things..."
The other woman places her hand on Alex's. "Anything can be fixed." Her brown eyes are warm. "Now talk."