Chapter Three: Don't Let the Rooster Watch TV

Panchito awoke to find himself sitting in a chair. In front of him Tina and Terry were eating dinner, some sort of white tender meat. Panchito looked down and noticed that he had a knife and fork in his hand and in front of him on his plate was a nice big chicken breast. Looking at the chicken, inspecting it, and not doing anything to his plate, Panchito was disgusted.

"Well," he said, "I'm in hell aren't I?"

Tina looked over and smiled, "Oh hey, you're awake, sorry I hit you on the head."

Panchito felt a knot in the back of his head and rubbed it, "Yeah," he said, "thanks for the gift."He looking back at Tina, "So," he said, "what are you guys eating?"

Tina looked at the rooster, mouth full of chicken and said, "Chicken," she swallowed, "why, is that a problem for you?"

Panchito looked at Terry, "Are you listening to this?"

Terry nodded, "I can make you something else if you like, but I'm telling you, you won't like it."

Panchito sighed, thinking that it couldn't get any worse than eating his own kind, "Like what?"

"Chicken breast, chicken leg, chicken head, chicken eggs, and turkey." Terry said.

Panchito smiled big and long, "Gracias," he said, pushing his plate towards the couple, "for killing mi familia, congratulations on ruining my appetite and letting me starve, you guys are great hosts."

"You know," Tina said, "no one said you have to live here, the only reason we're letting you is because you saved my retarded boyfriend."

"Speaking of your boyfriend," Panchito said, looking at Terry, "besides working at a deadbeat job, what is it that you do?"

"If you must know," Terry said, finishing his plate, "I'm an IT guy."

"Yeah," Tina smiled, "heard that one before."

Terry glared at Tina, "I'm serious babe," he said, "I'm going to get that Google job."

Tina laughed.

"Shut up Tina," Terry said, he turned back to Panchito, "Do you want me to make something else for you?"

"Why don't you just try it?" Tina asked.

"Are you serious, it's chicken!" Panchito said, looking directly at Tina with eyes of surprise and feeling like he walked into the wrong house. "No me gusta pollo."

Tina, who remembered that phrase from her high school Spanish class, nodded, "Why not?" She said, trying to incise him in at least trying the food, not wanting it to go to waste, "Are you," she laughed, "chicken?"

Terry looked at Tina, "You shouldn't have said that."

"Why?" Tina asked

"I'd run if I were you senora," Panchito said, trying his best to submerge his automatic rage at the phrase.

His hands became warm, his eyes began to twitch, and his brow began to move down. Tina looked at him, half concerned and half awe. Panchito's hands twitched, and he began to fidget, making whooshing sounds, clicking sounds, and finally the sounds of a gun going off. He was worse than Mr. Toad when he got motor mania.

The rooster stood up from the table and walked into the living room, trying to suppress his natural urges. Tina, who was concerned, followed him.

"Are you alright?" She said, entering the living room.

Panchito walked toward the fireplace and pulled out his pistol, he aimed it at the Nazi flag and shot it.

"You fascist bitch!" He said, turning to Tina who was crying at the loss of her flag.

"That was my grandfather's!"

"Who was he anyway?" The rooster asked.

"Heinrich Himmler."

Panchito aimed his pistols at her, "So, you're related to a psycho loon eh?" He walked towards her, feeling a bit better that he shot something, "Do you have any regrets?"

Tina shook her head, "I'm a Neo-Nazi, I don't give a shit." She said walking back to the kitchen. "Now, come and eat." Tina said.

The rooster entered the kitchen and before he could sit down, Tina tackled him to the ground.

"Eat the chicken!" She said, pinning the rooster down. Tina underestimated him however, because Panchito easily pushed her off.

"No," he said, "I won't do it."

Tina grabbed a knife from the table and aimed the tip at Panchito's neck.

"Eat the chicken," Tina said, "or I'll send you to-"

"Don't say KFC!" Panchito shouted, "There've been way too many references already."

Tina paused for a second: "Really?"

"Si," Panchito answered, "This writer really needs to have an original joke or at least a better one or something."

Tina looked at the rooster, "What in the world are you talking about?"

"The writer who's writing this," Panchito started to say but stopped mid-sentence, realizing that he would get to her, "never mind just forget it."

"Good," Tina said, "because I'm not moving until you eat your dinner."

"Yes Mommy Dearest." Panchito said.

"Ha, ha very funny," Tina remarked, "now eat!"

Sitting at the table again, with a knife at his throat, Panchito slowly ate the chicken, realizing that there was no pleasing Tina and no way of getting out of the crazy woman's path of fire and fury that she had for people not eating their food. Looking like a child does when he first tastes broccoli, Panchito chewed, making sure to do it fast to get it over with.

As the chicken passed down his tongue and down his throat, the rooster smiled.

"You know," he said, "this actually isn't that bad, where'd you get this anyway?"

Tina smiled, and put the knife back on the table, "A farm down in Texas."

Panchito stopped, getting a bit nervous. "Which one?"

"A place called Uncle Pedro's Ranch." Tina replied.

Panchito opened his mouth and removed the chewed up meat with his hand and put it back on his plate. "Was he kinda big, brownish feathers, never stopped talking sort of fellow?"

Tina nodded, "Yeah, he wouldn't shut up about his nephew."

Panchito sighed, pushed the plate back, and removed his sombrero."The nephew's name?"

Tina sat down next to him, "Some guy at Disney, a nobody really, um...Panchito I think it was."

The rooster looked at her with big eyes and a puppy dog face, "You killed my uncle!"

Terry, who was at the sink washing dishes again turned, "Actually, we just ate your uncle."

Panchito looked at him, "You knew!" He said almost crying, "¿Por qué señor!"

"Well how was I supposed to know?" Terry said, finishing his chore.

Panchito nodded, sobbing over the dead relative, "Uncle Vinnie, why!"

"Well, you got to admit, he was good." Tina said.

Panchito looked at her, and grabbed her shirt, pulling her towards him, eyes still wet.

"Good, I lost the only uncle I had left and you say he tasted good! What kind of person are you?"

"The kind that likes chicken." Tina said.

Panchito nodded again, wiping away his tears and putting his sombrero on. "I'll never forgive myself."

Terry looked at the rooster, feeling a bit sorry for him, "It's alright." He said.

Panchito nodded and stood up, "If you'll excuse me, I need to be alone." He said and left the room.

Walking into the living room, feeling terrible that he ate chicken, Panchito sat on the couch and turned on the TV. The first thing he saw was a couple arguing on custody rights on Judge Judy.

"Really," Panchito said, invested in the show already, "just shoot him! That's what I would do." He said, realizing that his guns were the solution for everything.

Terry walked into the room and saw that Panchito was laying on the couch, flipping through channels, finding nothing but Judge Judy and crappy 1980's movies, that is, until he saw his own, The Three Caballeros. Terry sat down and watched the movie, it was just getting to the song. Panchito smiled:

"We had to redo this scene thirty-seven times you know."

"Oh," Terry said, half interested, just remembering that he hated this movie, "why is that?"

Panchito turned to him, "I sort of shot Donald by mistake. A little issue, nothing serious, he still hates me for it."

Terry nodded, "Can't imagine why, you're so lovable."

Panchito smiled, "Gracias senor."

Terry rolled his eyes, "I was being sarcastic, you're terrible."

Panchito sat up on the couch, "Am I really that bad?"

"Let's see," Terry said, "you shot my tires, killed my grandmother, and insulted my girlfriend all in the same day, I'm surprised that you don't have a criminal record." Just then the news came on.

The reporter was a man in his thirties, looking as if the only reason he got the anchor job was because he wasn't qualified to do anything else.

"This just in," the anchor said, "news reporter Duke Wales is live on the scene of the remains of Jesse Summers's house. Duke."

Duke Wales came on the screen, he was scrawny, shy, and bit of a screw up. He smoothed out his hair:

"Local law enforcement say that Jesse Summer's house was burned down to the ground this morning by an alleged arsonist, witnesses report the man who started the firework was a cartoon character who was unhappy with his job."

Terry looked at Panchito with suspicious eyes. "What it could be anybody." Panchito said, and looked back at the TV.

"Witnesses also report hearing screaming, cursing, and one even heard the man yelling in Spanish. The arsonist is believed to be a Spanish speaker, roughly five feet in height, is a forgotten Disney cartoon with a temper, and was last seen wearing a red shirt. If you have any information regarding this individual please call the police anonymous hot tip line at 555-5555 or text the word "WORD." to that same number and give them your information."

Duke looked straight into the camera. "We're not kidding folks."

Terry turned off the TV and looked at Panchito.

"I knew it, you're insane."

Panchito smiled, "Hey, in my defense, I was at gunpoint."

Terry rolled his eyes and lifted his hands up in surrender, "That's it, I give up." He got up from the chair. "I'm going to bed, you can sleep on the couch if you want."

"Yeah, like I'll sleep in that fireplace," Panchito said with a laugh. He got up from the couch and stood next to Terry, "Gracias amigo," the rooster said, with a winning smile, "most wouldn't take me in after one day like this eh?" He laughed as he sat back down on the couch.

"Yeah well," Terry said with a yawn, watching Tina go down the hallway, "it's late, best get some sleep muchacho."

Panchito smiled again, "Remembering Spanish class eh señor? Oh by the way, you didn't answer my question from earlier."

Terry walked down the hallway and into the bathroom, "Oh," Terry said, as he brushed his teeth, "what's that?"

He spat in the sink and walking back into the living room.

Panchito looked at him, "Como te llamas?"

Terry sighed, "I don't know Panchito." He said, realizing that it's the first time he said the rooster's name.

"It means what's your name idiot." Tina said sluggishly as she entered the bed.

"Thank you." Terry said and looked back at Panchito with tired eyes, "It's Terry."

Panchito nodded and laid back down on the couch.

Terry turned off the light as he passed back into the hallway, "Good night."

"Buenos noches Terry," Panchito said with a sigh as he closed his eyes, "Buenos noches."

The next morning, Panchito woke up happy and content. As he stretched his arms and legs out, he saw Terry and Tina grouchily make their way out the door. "We're headed off to work Panchito," Terry said, "if the house is burned down I'll kill you."

Panchito smiled, and sighed with an okay, " Pues sí, señor, entiendo, no trouble, I'll just clean around the house a bit, get my stuff from the storage unit, and we'll talk living arrangements later." Terry nodded and shut the door.

Walking outside, Terry and Tina slowly made their way to the car.

"So," Tina said, "why are we letting him here?"

Terry shrugged his shoulders, "No idea, I just hope he doesn't burn down the house or something."

Tina nodded, "Yeah, he destroyed my flag and insulted me."

Terry looked at her, "He insulted you again?"

Tina paused for a moment, "Well, he called Grandpa Hennie a fascist and a murderer."

Terry opened the driver side door, "That because he was."

Tina glared at him, "Stop making fun of my family, I thought you loved me."

"I do honey," he said with a sigh as he pulled out of the driveway, "I just can't look past this Nazi crap, I mean seriously Himmler's been dead for almost seventy years."

Tina's face grew red and her voice deepened almost demonic, "Hail Hitler, Hail Hitler, Hail Hitler!" She screamed to the top of her lungs, saluting and hailing the dead fallen loon.

Dropping Tina off at school, Martin Luther King Elementary.

Terry watched as she walked slowly with her tight skinny jeans and a pink short-sleeve shirt, not giving a shit about regulations, typical Neo-Nazi rebel. Terry smiled looking only at his girlfriend's butt, realizing that was the one and only feature that made her attractive to him. She was good looking, could've been a model, but instead choose the life of a crazy, psychopathic elementary school English teacher who lived a secret life as a Neo-Nazi. Terry was about to pull away when he saw Tina flip off a second grader for giving her flowers, she was highly allergic. As the kid was left crying his eyes out and running inside, Tina threw the flowers on the ground and stomped them into dust. The other kids were watching and stood in horror as most of them had her as their teacher, and were mortified for the rest of the day, hell, make that the rest of the year. After that day, no one even dared looked at Tina, she was a loony bin, and was a complete and total bitch to kids ages six to ten. Note to self, never send your kids to MLK if you want them to be under the wrath of a bitchy Tina, which was all the time.

Panchito walked into the kitchen and looked for something to eat.

"Just a quick snack before I get my stuff from storage." he said looking in the cupboard and finding a box of Cheez-It's. His favorite.

"Alright!" He said, opening the box and smelling the aroma of the cheese flavored crackers. "Oh yeah," he said, taking a bigger whiff, "this is like food crack."

The rooster walked back into the living room, sat on the couch, and watched the only thing that was on to his dismay, "Well shit," Panchito said, sighing as he took a handful of Cheez It's and put them in his mouth.

"I'm stuck watching a depressing chick flick, great, well," he said, getting up and reaching for a tissue box that was conveniently placed on the table near the couch "my man card's revoked."

He gave in to the one movie he hated but had to watch because it was the only thing on- literally, it's the one movie that makes everyone cry at the end, The Notebook.

The first thing Terry heard when he walked in that evening was gunshots.

Bang, Bang, Bang.

Opening the door, Terry saw that the room was a wreck. Bullet holes covered the walls, windows were broken, glass was everywhere, couch cushions were destroyed, wine was spilled, and the tissues, the countless amount of tissues.

Terry looked over and saw Panchito sitting on the remains of the couch and holding a box of tissues, his fifth box. He was crying.

"Oh your home," he said between sniffles, he looked at the television and saw the credits to The Notebook. Again. The fifth time in a row today.

"It was so beautiful senor!" Panchito said, walking over to Terry, "It was so beautiful!" He cried, blew his nose with a tissue, and threw it on the floor.

"Um, Panchito," Terry said, trying to keep his composure, "what the hell is this?"

"What, this?" Panchito said, calming down, "This is reaction to an emotional movie señor." He put his arm around the man's shoulder, "Just think, in a few years, this place will be spick and span. Just like it was this morning."

Terry didn't like the sound of that, "What do you mean in a few years?" He said, looking at the rooster as if he were about to shoot him and cook him for Thanksgiving dinner.

"I sort of overdid myself a bit." Panchito said, "It got pretty intense you see, I hate sad movies."

He walked over to the wall and elbowed it. What followed was a series of cracks, creaks, moans, groans, the attempted strangulation of a rooster, oh, and the entire roof coming down on top of their heads.