Danger mark
Chapter three: Fuji's POV
I shiver when I feel my bed shift. His soft steps are getting away from me. I don't know whether I feel relieved or sad about that. But then again, I did turn my back on him just now.
Why? Two nights after each other… While it has been years ago since I had this nightmare. Why now? Why did it come back?
Opening my eyes again I know that I won't be getting any more sleep this night. And neither will he… The stoic mask may fool everyone, it doesn't fool me. I've always known he cared deeply for everyone of the team. But there were so many emotions in his eyes, his voice, his actions. Last night, as well as just a couple of minutes ago. I never even imagined he would show them so easily.
A very soft sigh escapes my lips when I close my eyes again. My arms wrapped around me, holding myself close. However it is nothing compared with Tezuka's embrace. He was warm, and I felt safe in them… So, why did I push him away? Why did I … reject him?
AaAaAa
"Fuji! No training today!!!"
I smile when I hear Eiji yell happily. Within a couple of seconds the red head is standing beside me.
"So, what are you going to do today?"
Softly I shake my head. I haven't got a clue.
"Are you alright? You look pale…"
His voice is soft and caring and I look surprised at him.
"What do you mean? I always look pale."
It's true. I have a pale skin. He nods.
"Yeah, but you're paler today. Something happened?"
He might try to disguise it, but I can hear it. The worry… I hate to hear it.
I try to smile. "I'm fine Eiji. Really. It was just a nightmare. Nothing special. Nothing to worry about!"
He smiles and shrugs. If only the smile was real…
"If you say so Fujiko…"
For a moment he just stands before me. Our eyes locked.
"Nya… I'm off. Looking where Oishi is… See ya Fujiko!"
Waving while running, he nearly collides with a tree. I shake my head softly. So typically Eiji.
-
No training today. Rest… I can use that. Far away I wonder if Tezuka has anything to do with it. He probably has. I guess I should be grateful for that. Damn you Tezuka! For making me feel this way… Confused. Not knowing whether I should thank you or hate you.
Without anyone noticing I disappear into the forest. Buchou will probably be looking for me. But I don't want him to find me.
I grin softly when I realize that Eiji will probably search for me as well. Just the moment that the thought crosses my mind, I stop still in my tracks. Eiji…
So that's how Tezuka knew. Knew that it has something to do with my past… So many years ago, yet it still feels like it just happened. Even before the two last nightmares. I never really got over it. There has always been an underlying presence of what has happened.
He told him. My best friend told our captain. I feel anger race through me. He didn't have the right to tell Tezuka! He promised… He promised he wouldn't. Why couldn't he have kept it for himself?
Setting myself down because of the shock, I finally notice where I am. It's the open place in the forest. The one we came across during our first training session here. A quarter of an hour run from the cottage. Did my thoughts take a run with me for so long that I didn't even see where I was going to?
The peaceful sight before me calms me. And one way or another it clears my mind. Eiji hasn't told Tezuka what has happened. He has just told him something has. Sacred Eiji… Is that your way of trying to help me? Because I asked you not to tell anyone, because I asked you not to worry. Is that your way of telling me that I need someone?
Stubborn baka! You're still worried and now Tezuka is so too. And I don't want you guys to be. I don't want anyone to be worried. Not for me…
A soft humorless laugh escapes my lips. I bring so much trouble to my friends their lives. I don't want that. I don't want to cause anyone any trouble.
"So, here you are…"
I jerk my head up. No! Not him! Please, don't let it be him…
"Tezuka…"
My voice is one of the very softest whispers. And I know he can hear every single emotion I feel through it.
Why him of all people?
"Are you planning to keep running away from it?"
I shake my head.
"I don't know what you mean."
I'm avoiding his gaze. Orbs that see right through me. Dark brown eyes that see everything…
"Just for how long are you planning to keep running away from me…"
It is whispered so softly that I truly doubt whether I heard anything at all. So, I ignore it. Push it away. And within a second I don't even remember I heard anything like that at all.
"Talk to me Fuji. Please… Just, tell me… I only want to help you."
I softly shake my head again. Why do you keep going on about it? Why don't you knock it off…? Don't you understand it hurts too much?
"I can't tell you. It is too deep. Too painful. Please, understand, I can't tell you. I haven't accepted it myself. I'm not yet over it."
I fall silent again. Please…
"I need to know Fuji. I need you to tell me."
His voice is so soft. So caring.
"Tezuka… You stubborn fool… Don't ask me too… I don't want you to know. Why can't you let it rest? Why do you have to keep pushing it? Don't you understand?"
He raises his voice. And it catches me off guard.
"No, I don't understand! How can I? How can I understand if you don't talk to me…? How can I if you don't tell me?"
My eyes widen and I hold my breath.
Few seconds later I can see the harsh lines on his face soften again. No, don't look at me. I don't want to see the pity in your eyes. Quickly I turn my head away. His hand on my shoulder.
"Fuji…"
His pleading voice. So full of worry. So caring…
"Please, don't ask anymore. I can't tell you. I won't. You'll hate me if you know. It is… was… something that still kills me inside. Don't ask… I don't want you to know. I swear you will hate me… Disgust me. And I can't bear to lose that. Your respect, your friendship…"
Why am I telling all of this?
"I won't… How can I possibly hate you? Do you know me so bad, so little…?"
Why is he so kind? He shouldn't be. Not after everything. I turn around, my back facing him.
"Please, leave me alone. I'm not going to tell you, so you might as well just give up asking."
I can hear him take a deep breath. Is he going to leave?
"So, it was that bad, ne? But you know what Fuji…"
His question lingers in the air. It rings in my ears. Do I want to hear it? If I stay silent perhaps he'll give up, forget about it and walk away…
"I don't care…"
Shocked at hearing that sentence I turn around, facing him once more. What does he mean with that?
His eyes are showing me so many emotions. There is no stoic mask. He is holding nothing back. So much to see on his face. Everything he's feeling, thinking.
"I don't care because I love you!"
Once more my eyes open wide. No. How can he say that? It's impossible. He can't love me. Not me. Not after everything that has happened.
For a second I can see his eyes cloud over at the expression on my face.
"You don't believe me…"
It isn't a question. It is a statement. And it requests no answer. But the hurt is so clearly present in his tone. Why is it that I always hurt the persons I care about the most?
Instead of saying anything else, he simply takes a step closer towards me. Is he going to…? I know he gives me enough time to back away. Yet an invisible force is holding me in place. Is this what I want? Of course it is. There is no doubt about it. The only question is, whether I'm ready for it…
Soft, cool lips descend gently on mine. And I hold my breath. Strong arms circle around my waist and I tense. It is not because I don't like it. Memories are flashing before my eyes.
No! Go away!
Tears are forming themselves in my eyes. Why? Why does it have to come back all the time? It's Tezuka for heaven's sake… Why can't I enjoy this? This is what I've always wanted…
Slowly he pulls away… And I look down. Trying to avoid his gaze once more.
Gentle fingers lift up my chin. My eyes still closed.
"I won't hurt you Syusuke… So please, trust me…"
His voice is still as soft as just before. And my heart flutters at hearing him say my given name with so much tenderness.
"I know…"
My arms wrap themselves around his neck. My body pressed against his. My head resting in the crook of his neck. His arms still around my waist. His head leaning against mine.
Don't let me go. Don't leave me… Not now… Not after what you said.
AaAaAa
My eyes are closed. The smile has vanished from my face. No need to keep it up now…
His arms are still around me. My head is resting against his shoulder.
We're sitting on the grass, his back against a tree. And I'm leaning against his chest. Relaxed… For the first time in what seems to be ages.
A lonely tear finds its way across my cheek. How I hate this weakness. Luckily Tezuka doesn't notice.
Tezuka… No, Kunimitsu.
I chuckle softly. I've always wanted to be the one who could call him like that.
His arms hold me just a little closer. As if he's afraid of losing me if he doesn't hold on. Well, perhaps he's right…
His warm breathing caresses my neck. My eyes widen. My neck…
No…!
Involuntarily I tense again. Immediately he loosens his grip on me and I crawl away from him. My back is still facing him, and I wrap my arms around me in a futile attempt to protect myself.
I know what I'll see when I turn to face him. Confusion. Pity. Worry… I don't want it!
"What has happened to you…?"
"Don't ask me…"
TBC
AN: Well, here we are... Chapter three is up and running :). So, tell me what you think of it.