Chapter 3

My Curse

A/N: I'm starting to wonder if my audience is mute? Please don't make me beg for reviews (I'll do it, though, if you force me to).

Allow me to gush for a moment. I have an amazing group of girls who serve as my test audience and whose encouragement and advice spares me from constant torment. My undying gratitude to: Tabs, my biggest fan. Lily, Jake's biggest fan. Katrina, my gutter gal. Julie, who may well be my twi-soulmate. I love you all.

While I'm gushing, I should thank Hopeful Wager for being my Queen Beta and sharing her insights into Edward's mind. Her awesomeness is unparalleled.

As promised, this chapter is the first one from Edward's perspective (or Angstward, as he shall be known henceforth for reasons which will become evident as you read).

The soundtrack songs for this chapter are incredible (my humble opinion) and for fear of sounding bossy I will only recommend listening to them instead of ordering you to listen to them (which I would love to do). The link to the updated playlist is on my bio page.

My Curse – Killswitch Engage

End of Heartache – Killswitch Engage

Animal I Have Become – Three Days Grace

I still don't own Twilight, so no surprises there.

EPOV

I sensed I was reaching nearer my prey. I pushed deeper into the rainforest, drawing unnecessary breath with each stride. My untiring body did not relent. I would find her and destroy her. My mind was focused with that singular purpose.

I had been attempting to track Victoria for five months and four days. I had the constant sense that I was near her, but nothing tangible substantiated that sense. I did not catch her scent. I did not glimpse her flaming red hair. I did not hear her thoughts.

I was fooling myself.

I cursed my spacious vampire brain. It had the capacity to obsessively focus on tracking Victoria, chastise the futility of my mission and yearn for Bella simultaneously.

Bella.

It was all for her. I left Forks for her and now I was scouring the Bolivian rainforest in search of Victoria. For her.

Bella.

If my heart could beat, every beat would be for her. Every wasteful breath I breathed was for her. Every tear I ached to shed was for her.

Bella.

She constantly occupied my thoughts. My mind would run over every moment of our time together. The first day I saw her. The first time I talked to her. The first time we touched. The first time we kissed. Every intimate moment we ever shared. Every conversation. Every night she spent wrapped up in my arms. Every dream I witnessed through her unconscious mutterings. Every subtle expression of her face, twitch of her brow, movement of her lips.

My mind inevitably went back to the day of her birthday party, as it always did. I experienced the scene in the third person, like always.

I see Jasper's decision in Alice's mind the split second before it happens, and I throw myself in front of Bella's fragile frame. I see Bella on the floor, blood dripping from her wound, and my throat aches at the memory of its sweet scent and taste.

I see the horror Alice's face a few days later as the consequences of my eventual decision assault her thoughts, closely followed by the vision of Bella curled up on the forest floor.

It sent me crumpling to the ground every time without fail. This time was no different.

I sank to the forest floor, midstride, digging my fingers into the fresh earth beneath me. The memories were now flooding my consciousness and keeping my pinned beneath their weight.

Bella stands before me at the edge of the forest. Her face is incredulous when I tell her I don't want her to go with me. Her determination is fierce when she pleads with me not to do it.

My body started to rack with dry sobs as I remembered what it felt like to leave her there, like tearing away an essential limb to my existence.

I turn and run from her. In one swift motion I jump into her bedroom through the window with the intention of removing myself from her life absolutely.

I force myself to remain composed while I remove our pictures from her album. I don't even dare to glance at the images as I busy myself with hiding them, along with her other birthday gifts.

I leave a note for Charlie in Bella's handwriting. He will need to know where to find her.

The whole procedure takes a mere minute.

I barely make it back to my home before finally collapsing in the woods near the house. My family has already left for Denali. I know that they are giving me the space I need, despite knowing the events exactly via Alice. They know me well enough to know that I would crave solitude.

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the similarity of my current position to that wretched day. My entire being still ached with the same intensity as it had the first time. A pained growl escaped my lips and I buried my face into my hands.

I remain in the woods for the rest of the day, wishing for death – or unconsciousness at the very least- although I know neither will come. Knowing that Bella is stumbling aimlessly through the forest torments me the most. I feel completely helpless.

After nightfall, I drag my body from the ground. I stumble to my Volvo and drive to Port Angeles, to the ferry that will take me further away from Bella than I have been since I first gave in to my fascination with her.

I consider skipping out on seeing my family in Denali altogether until Alice phones in a controlled rage.

"Edward, I know you're in a bad place, and I know you want to be alone, but please don't leave before you've said goodbye to your family. You owe us as much."

I cringe at the implication of her words. What she actually wants to say is: "You owe us as much after you made us all uproot our lives for you."

Of course I had felt guilt at subjecting my family to my own choices, but knowing I would have done the same for them lessened it to an extent. Still, I had felt obligated to see them all one last time before launching my hunt for Victoria.

By the time I finally arrive at the home of my extended family, I have composed myself enough to face the pity that is sure to assault me from their faces and minds.

They undoubtedly know I am near, but they remain in the house upon my arrival. I pause at the door for a moment and take a deep, shaky breath. I hear soft conversation and morose thoughts, but pay them little attention. I prefer them indistinct at this moment.

I enter the house and my entire family turns to look at me at once. I am grateful that Tanya and the others of her coven aren't there. I want a private farewell.

Alice flies into my arms and crushes me in a silent hug. She releases me after a moment to allow Esme to take me into her own gentle embrace. Her body is shaking with unspoken emotion.

I remain hunched and motionless as she offers her wordless compassion and comfort.

When Esme releases me, Emmett approaches. I expect a hearty pat on the back or punch on the shoulder. He stuns me when he throws his enormous arms around me in a bone-crunching hug.

"Sorry, bro," are the only thoughts that fill his mind.

Carlisle stands behind Emmett in my line of sight, his brow furrowed with the weight of his own concern for me. Emmett releases me from the hug to allow Carlisle access. He places his hands on my shoulders and peers questioningly into my eyes.

"I know you're firm in your decision, Edward, but are you sure you want to go tracking alone? You know any one of us would be happy to accompany you," he says, his voice calm yet sincere.

I hang my head and they all understand.

I have already asked too much of my family. I don't have the heart to lure them away on my hunt for Victoria. I have to be selfish about this. If I find her, I want to destroy her on my own terms.

Carlisle squeezes my shoulders, urging me to look at him. I raise my eyes to meet those of my father and immediately feel as if I will buckle under the weight of his gaze.

Even though I know he will accept my decision, I also know he will not let me leave without the knowing that I go alone by my own choice and not for lack of willingness on the part of my family.

If not my whole family.

Rosalie remains seated on the edge of the sofa, examining her nails. I know she is very aware of the scene before her, and that she doesn't partake in it by choice. She has never been a fan of mine. She thought even less of my relationship with Bella.

I feel the ire rising in my chest involuntarily. I have never cared much for Rosalie's opinion, but her stark indifference in the darkest hour of my existence riles me beyond all rationality.

I want to snarl at her. I want to grab her by her ridiculous blonde hair. I want her to experience pain like mine.

I clench my fists instead.

Then I feel an overwhelming wave of guilt. For a moment I mistake it as my own but I soon realize that it is too powerful to ever apply to Rosalie.

I turn to see Jasper in the corner of the room, his eyes black with emotion. His face is contorted with an expression that I have seen him wear often, but never to such a degree.

His thoughts assault me in a flourish, and I can barely keep up.

"I should've… Why did I…? I could've…. My fault…"

He is overwhelmed with his own emotion coupled with the emotions of our entire family battering him from every direction and he can't control what he is projecting.

I feel everything as he feels it: the guilt, the shame, the hurt at causing our family harm- at causing me pain.

I walk to him purposefully and lay a hand on his shoulder. He is trembling.

"Jasper, this is not your fault," I say with my sincerest conviction, although he will know of my sincerity either way.

He doesn't say anything. He merely continues his stream of incoherent thoughts and emotions.

"Jasper, look at me," I urge him. "I could never fault you for succumbing to your nature… our nature."

He meets my gaze and a fresh wave of shame rolls off of him and through me.

"You need not feel any shame, brother," I almost whisper. "This is all on me. You warned me that our relationship was completely ill-advised, but I still subjected you to my choices. I have to deal with their consequences."

"Please, forgive me," Jasper thinks, granting us a moment of privacy.

"Nothing to forgive," I whisper in reply.

A wave of relief washes over me and I know that Jasper has accepted my forgiveness. I am equally relieved. I harbor no ill will toward my brother, but I am saddened by the knowledge that he will continue to torment himself regardless. I am grateful that he made me realize how much danger I was constantly subjecting Bella to. It gave me a chance to fix things before they became fatal.

And that is what I'm doing.

I'm healing the wound that my presence has left on Bella's life, and I'm ensuring that I never inflict any damage on her, directly or indirectly, ever again.

I take a step back and survey my family gathered around me. Sorrow coils around my deadened heart as I realize that I am leaving everyone that I love behind, and everyone that loves me. But I will not waver on the path that I have chosen. I will bear the consequences of my decisions alone, irrespective of how painful they may be.

"You should probably get going if you're going to make your flight," Alice says, breaking the silence.

I nod, inhaling deeply and squaring my shoulders determinedly. I am ready.

I open my mouth to speak but Alice interrupts before I can say a thing.

"I know you're not going to keep in touch, so don't be lame by saying it," she announces abruptly. She really did have the most annoying ability. I let out an exasperated sigh.

"I'm not planning on going anywhere that has any semblance of cellphone reception, Alice," I grumble back at her, "and it's not like you need a phone call from me to know what I'm doing."

Alice huffs and crosses her arms sulkily. "Seriously, Edward, you are not the axis of the earth. You really could check up on what we're doing too, you know."

I hang my head in shame. I am a self-involved ass who doesn't deserve a family like the one I have.

Esme shoots a warning glance at Alice and lays a reassuring hand on my arm. "Go do what you need to do, Edward. We'll be here for you if you need us. And we understand," she emphasizes the word, raising her eyebrows at Alice, "that you will be focused on your purpose. Don't worry about us. Collectively, we're a millennium old. I think we can take care of ourselves."

Esme's encouragement only fuels my guilt, although I know she means well.

"I don't have enough words to express how grateful I am to all of you," I say, scanning across each of their faces. "I am not worthy of your unconditional love and support."

"That's what family does," Carlisle says softly. "Now go, we don't want you to be late."

Carlisle hugs me tightly, followed by Esme and each of my siblings. Even Rosalie deserts her spot on the couch to bid me farewell, although she does so out of a sense misguided obligation.

I leave my family, feeling empty and alone, but determined.

I rolled onto my back, gasping for air. Time had not healed my wounds. Time had only gnawed at the frayed edges of my tattered heart. Every time I lost focus, if only for a moment, my memories would assault me. But the fresh pain would drive me to continue with my purpose.

Victoria had to be in South America. I had seen her swimming across the Atlantic in Alice's vision and then arriving in Caracas. I had chosen that as my staring point and had interrogated locals, following a trail of sightings through Venezuela and into Brazil, where I finally caught her scent.

I tracked her scent along the Amazon, losing it again when I reached Peru. Interviewing locals proved less fruitful as I entered smaller villages. They were much more skeptical and unwilling to speak to outsiders.

I had gotten lucky when I caught wind of a few seemingly random, unexplained deaths. The locals had suspected animal attacks, but I had known better. Victoria was still feeding.

I had followed the carefully disguised trail of carnage which eventually led me to Bolivia. I had exited Peru by crossing the Andes and felt something drawing me to the rainforest. I had been convinced that I would find her here, which was why I hadn't left although I'd been scouring it for weeks.

In a renewed burst of conviction, I sprang from the forest floor where I had been crumpled, reliving the memories of the events that had brought me here. I stood still for a moment, inspecting the trees around me in an attempt to establish which direction I would take. I had not paused in what felt like days and I needed to hunt badly.

I launched into a run. My instincts guided me through the thick underbrush of the rainforest. The cover of trees was so thick, it was difficult to discern the time of night. I focused on the sounds around me.

I heard insects and small rodents at a distance. They knew better than to venture near me. I heard wings flapping. Not soft and fluttering like birds, but leathery and primal. Bats.

The forest temperature had shifted in the past hour. It was approaching dawn.

My bare feet crushed the smaller roots beneath them as I flew through the forest. I leapt swiftly over fallen trees and pushed through wildly overgrown areas with ease.

In the time I had been away from Forks and my family, I had been living on the bare essentials. I hunted only when I felt myself growing weak. I stopped only when forced to. I had crushed my cellphone in frustration when Alice had called for what felt like the thousandth time. I only wore a pair of now tattered jeans, finding every other piece of clothing excessive.

I had means to acquire what I needed when eventually I needed it again.

The trees were thinning and I realized I had reached the edge of the forest. My strides slowed as I considered whether I would leave the cover of the canopy. I had been focused on my hunt, my instincts geared towards tracking suitable prey to sustain me for the days ahead, but it proved difficult. My animalistic sobbing had alerted the creatures around me to the danger I posed to them and they had cleared away from me for miles.

I sniffed the air, trying to catch an enticing scent. Then it hit me as I exited the forest into the grayish pink of dusk.

Humans.

A few hundred feet beyond the edge of the trees I saw the outline of a small village of brick and mud houses. My mind barely registered as my body hurtled towards the scent that was driving my instincts. I hadn't hunted in many days and I hadn't had contact with humans in weeks. Their scent was overwhelmingly mouth-watering and I was only vaguely aware of the imminent massacre I was about to cause.

The thoughts that drifted towards me were still unconscious. Good. It would be swift and silent. I would drain them dry before they even woke. The warm, delicious liquid would travel down my throat and still the all-consuming thirst that was now driving me. I could already imagine how easily my teeth would sink into their skin, how they would tense in surprise and then relax in defeat.

"STOP!" my mind suddenly reacted.

I was immediately anchored in place, mere feet from the nearest house. I could hear the rhythmical breathing and steady heart rate of its five inhabitants: two adults and three small children.

A wave of revulsion crashed over me. I stood there, bent over, clutching my knees, heaving disgusted breaths.

You are not an animal. You are not a monster. You are not a slave to your instincts.

I threw my body around and headed back towards the forest at break-neck speed. I was furious at myself. I had waited too long to hunt and I had been alone too long. My careful control had always been a product of my rigorous practice and constant awareness. I had been reckless in letting it slip.

I had to hunt immediately. I had to track down an animal that was large and satisfying enough to quench my monumental thirst.

When I cleared the first trees of the forest, I shifted into stealth mode. If I was going to catch any prey, I would have to go undetected. I barely let a foot touch the ground before lifting it to the next stride. I even stilled my breathing in an attempt to be as invisible as possible. I focused all my energy on heightening my senses.

I mentally sifted through the smaller heartbeats of the rodents, knowing that they wouldn't suffice. Their scents were also rotten and metallic. They definitely wouldn't do.

I heard a small group of larger heartbeats in the trees above me. Sloths. Gross.

Then, I heard it. A few hundred feet ahead of me in the trees, a significantly larger heartbeat. A few strides later the scent hit me.

Jaguar.

It smelled amazing, rich and full a like a fine red wine. Venom instantly pooled in my mouth. I slowed my strides and started my final approach. I could not let this opportunity go to waste.

I spotted it on a low-hanging branch, licking its bloody paws after a night of hunting its own prey. It was not aware of my presence.

I crouched down, preparing for my attack, positioning myself for a flawless strike. It was a large male, surely about 350 pounds and almost 6 feet long.

It was still no match for me.

With ruthless precision I pounced, arms outstretched and teeth bared. My hands clamped down around its jugular as I pushed it to the forest floor, landing with a loud thud. I heard screeches in the distance as birds flew, startled from their resting positions.

The creature was thrashing and snarling, its enormous jaws snapping at me, but I held it firmly in position with my hands and legs. Its blood pulsed beneath my hands, its heart rate rapid.

I took one deep breath, taking in its scent before sinking my teeth effortlessly into its neck. The elevated heart rate ensured that the blood flowed freely down my throat. I drank it greedily, welcoming its soothing heat on my immense burn.

When I was done, I released its body and sat back onto my heels, wiping a trickle of blood from the side of my mouth. I drew a relieved breath at my own satisfaction.

I could barely believe that I had gotten so close to reckless murder. Shame began to cloud my momentary contentment. I shook my head, clenching my teeth in frustration. I felt completely consumed with hopelessness.

Then I froze.

There was a quiet rustle of leaves. I listened carefully. Another rustle and a strange fluttering noise which I had never heard before.

Then it hit me. Hundreds of intermingled thoughts flooded my consciousness. Male and female voices reverberated through my mind and I yelled out at its sudden overwhelming intensity.

A moment later it was completely silent again.

I was not alone anymore.

A/N: You can't deny that you want to review this. Embrace the urge. I'll be waiting…