I'm amusing myself with these, and it's fun to write in other people's voices. Yes, these are real people I know, and, yeah, I guess it's kind of Mary Sue-ish. Hopefully, you're enjoying these letters despite that fact. :-)

Dear Editor,

OMG, okay, like, I normally don't do this kind of thing, but I just HAD to write this because I don't even know what is going on anymore.

So, like, I'm sitting at the diner having a cup of coffee because Granny's coffee is awesome, but not her lasagna. That's just… ew, gross. I don't know what's going with that, but there's no way that sh-t's not from a box, but whatever. Anyway, I'm sitting at the diner at that little bar thing they have at the front minding my own business when Henry Mills walks up to me and starts talking to me.

Like THE Henry Mills is talking to me, and I'm thinking to myself, "Don't talk to talk. Why are you talking to me? OMG WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? I'm not even supposed to know who you are. Is, like, your name even Mills now or is it Swan? Crap, why is he talking to me? Sh-t, I hope I don't get killed or something because he's talking to me."

And I'm sitting there, trying not to freak out, while he asks me what's good to eat at the diner besides the hamburgers, which is just SO weird because NOBODY ever talks to me. Like what? And I'm all trying to act cool because we're apparently not supposed to know who he is even though the entire freaking town knows who he is, and I'm just about to answer him and tell him to stick with the burgers because that sign about the best lasagna in town is a total lie when, out of nowhere – like a freaking ninja – Regina Mills just all pops up in our business and answers for me.

And, like, I'm not even mad because it's Regina Mills, and she's just so, you know, like… I don't know. She's her, and she's a badass, and there's no way I'm going to piss her off. But, like her son, or I guess not her son now, or whatever… Anyway, Henry just gives her this polite smile and tells her thanks and then he freaking ignores her to talk to me.

What is that about?

I was like, I don't even know what to do! I mean, on one hand, we're all supposed to act like Henry is just this random teenager, but, on the other hand, no one in their right mind is going to do anything to tick Regina off because… whoa …I do not want to end up extra crispy. You know what I mean? But what's really completely sad about the whole thing is that she looked like someone kicked her puppy, and I just didn't know what to do because she was just so sad, and it was all just really sad!

Is it weird to want to hug the Evil Queen? It's weird, isn't it?

Man, why don't the royals send out emails or text messages or something on how they expect us to act around Henry? I mean, hello, it's not like we can read their minds. They expect all of us to just know all this sh-t, and how even is that going to happen when no one tells anyone anything unless it's some fluffy BS piece on 'Good Morning Storybrooke,' which I don't even watch because Dr. Whale gives me the creeps.

But, whatever, my point is I was sitting in the diner with Regina Freaking Mills in all her perfect, amazing, whateven-ness standing there next to me and her kid, who doesn't even know who she is, sitting on the other side of me, and I was in the middle, and it sucked. Like, what is my life that this kind of thing happens?

Seriously, what is my life? Oh. My. God. I just wanted to make a run for it. It's totally not fair that we have to stand around and act like everything is all hunky-dory fine because the kid doesn't know what's going on. It's NOT fine, okay? We have freaking… flying witches on brooms and giants that aren't giant anymore and were-monkey things and, God, like so many fairies and crap that I don't even understand how anyone goes around this town and doesn't realize something's up.

Come on, I can't be the only person who is thinking something is totally wrong with Henry that he hasn't realized by now that this town is f—ked up. Like, where are they keeping him that he hasn't noticed all this weird sh-t that goes on? They have him hanging out with a guy with a hook for a hand that dresses like he's into some kind of weird BDSM sh-t, and the kid doesn't think anything is really off? Seriously?

There's no way, so why do we have to act like everything is fine when it clearly isn't just because ONE person in this messed up town doesn't know what the f—k is going on? I don't get it. I mean, hey, if I had the choice to not know what the hell was going on in this town but still got to stay here with electricity, running water, and coffee, I'd totally take it, but I can't. So… hey, whatever, I'm just saying that it's messed up that the rest of the town, all 99.9% of us, have to pretend to be some normal-ass town in southern Maine for this one kid.

Who decided he was more important than the rest of us anyway? I don't see him trying to deal with all the BS that goes on in this town or having to repair all the damage after one of his moms goes postal or trying to find a job in a town that hasn't had anything new come into it in THIRTY YEARS. Our economy is, like, nonexistent.

Couldn't we get a Starbucks or something? A Burger King? A Denny's? ANYTHING? You know, if everyone and their mom's dog wasn't trying to kill Regina and her family all the freaking time, maybe the magic people in the 1% could sit down and figure out how to keep us from losing our memories when we cross the town line, and THEN we could, you know, LEAVE and go do stuff.

F—k the Charmings. I don't want to go back to that sh-t hole. The Enchanted Forest can go f—k itself for all I care, and who are they and their little band of dwarves to decide for the rest of us whether or not we need to go back or stay or whatever? I can make my own decisions, thank you very much.

And, like, I think Regina probably has a bad rap. She did send us to a place that gives us cleaning supplies and Netflix, which, frankly, I like a whole lot better than staring at a donkey pulling a plow all day. And, also, she's kind of hot. I mean, like… no… yes… whatever. Yeah, fine. I'm saying it. She's hot. We all know it. She's f—king gorgeous, and she was a pretty good mayor, so, as long as she's not blowing sh-t up or killing people or any of the other crap she did as the queen, then I say leave her alone and let her do her job.

Which brings me back to the diner thing with Henry. What the hell? Did we not learn anything from history? When Regina is depressed, unhappy, and doesn't think she's got any hope at all, we end up being cursed for 28 years. Be honest, people; who here thinks it's a good idea to keep Henry from getting his memories back? Like, we need to talk about the greater good here, okay? He needs his memories back so he remembers Regina so Regina doesn't crackup again and decide to send us all to Wonderland or some sh-t.

I don't want to go to Wonderland. I don't want go back to the Enchanted Forest. I want to stay here, do my own thing, and live someplace where polio or TB isn't likely to kill me.

Is that too much to ask? No. I don't that's too much to ask.

So, like, Ann Hawthorne needs to cough up that petition, and there should totally be a disclaimer in there about how they need to work on Henry getting his memories back so Regina doesn't fly off the handle and do something else to all of us.

Seriously, sign me up.

Stuck in the Middle,

Pilar Gonzalez
Level 2 Housecat (Don't ask)

As always, reviews are appreciated.