Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Warning: Language, Adult Topics, Lemons(in later chapters)

4/16/2009

Chapter 3

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Last time

"Well, I guess that settles it. Have him here, two weeks from now. Saturday at 7 P.M. I'll do a private lesson here in the store. I'll need some time to plan out lessons and to get my rain check for loony-bin admission." Did I really just say that last part out loud? Oops.

How in the fuck am I going to do this? Well, I have revenge to plan first.

One week before first lesson

BPOV

As I kept my mind running through various shoe-vengeance plots, I leaned down to check the temperature on the frying vats that I had setup in the backyard.

Bet Alice didn't see this one coming. Poor bitch thinks I'm currently donating her shoe collection to the local homeless shelter. In fact, she's probably thinking of ways to buy them back right now. Ooopsie.

I checked the reading on the thermometer hanging in one of the vats. Satisfied with the reading, I figured it would be ready in two more minutes. I grabbed the bag of heels that I had confiscated from the giant walk-in closet that connected the bedrooms of my two fashion-obsessed sisters and dumped them out on the ground by the fryers. This was going to be my most epic stunt to date. I'd probably regret the look on Ma-Esme's face when she found my body dumped into a ditch and mangled beyond recognition from a were-bitch mauling, but what fun is life without a little danger? Just to be a complete hag, I snatched one shoe from every pair in their closet, leaving an entire shelf of expensive shoes with one mate missing from each pair. The only thing left in the shoe section was a pair of worn-out bunny house-slippers. Wonder if their vamp-boys will be able to get it up for fuzzy bunnies?

Plunk, plunk, plunk! Fry my pretties, Fry! The heels made a nice sickening splash as each one hit the oil. I felt a vindictive satisfaction in knowing that Alice would probably have a fursplosion as soon as she got back from her date with Jasper. With each pretty shoe that I dropped into the frying vats, I felt a little better. I'd even gone out of my way to make a nice quality beer batter. If I were a high heel on the execution block, it'd be my first choice for death. Of course, I'd catch hell for this later, but it would be worth the look on both of their faces when they get a load of this shit. In fact, I may just have to videotape this. After the first half of the heels finished their time in the fryer, I used a spatula to scoop them onto the ground. I even spent time to arrange them so that the batter dried evenly. Two more vats later, I had two laundry baskets of succulent deep-fried heels with a crispy golden exterior. Mcdonald's has nothing on mah fryin' skillz! Would you like a Coke with your deep-fried heels? I hoisted a basket under each arm and started climbing up the stairs to their closet.

Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell deep-fried La Boutin! Whoever said, "revenge was a dish best served cold" never had my imagination.

Alice and Rose really made this little scheme too easy for me. Ever since Emmett and Jasper had walked into our store a week ago, Alice and Rose had yet to put in more than a brief appearance at the house to swap the sexed-out clothes for clean ones. If it weren't for the smug look of happily-sexed were-bitch on each one's face, I might have been worried. Even Ma-Esme had gotten panicked until she figured out what was going on. Apparently, she was happy enough with the situation since she now had a smaller chance of walking in on one of her girls experimenting with sex toys. Now that Rose and Alice were getting vamp-sexed outside of the house, she only had to worry about interrupting my porn sessions. I hadn't seen them much outside of work for the whole week and their continued absence left the much-loved shoe collection unprotected.

Speaking of work, I began to think about my upcoming lesson with Nutward this Saturday. Where do you begin with someone like this? After hearing Emmett's descriptions, I began to wonder whether Eddie needed the kind of lessons that came with an extended vacation in a padded white cell with a matching straitjacket. After I had carefully replanted the fried heels into the giant closet and kept one for a collectible, I wandered down the hallway to my room. I plopped down on my worn couch and nibbled on the toe of the heel, trying to think of a good way to start Eddie's sexucation. How much effort would it take to break Edward out of his Tanya-trance? Was there any hope for someone that sexually-stunted? I had to believe there was something normal locked inside the poor vamp. I sincerely believe that there's a horny porn star in everyone, just waiting to be set free. Heh, Eddie's inner porn god is probably sedated and jailed in concrete. I think we'll just have to do this in baby steps and sexorcise Ho-Tanya out of him little-by-little. Can he seriously be that naïve about that whore? One viewing of her much-used multicentenarian twat in the porn DVD was enough for me

After Jasper's warning about Eddie's mind-reading shit, the girls and I had brainstormed on ways to shield our thoughts to keep him clueless as to our motives. I figured that the best way to keep him out of my head would be to replay the vision of our human night guard Mike Newton and the Bite-Me Betty that I had seen earlier in the week. That scene will make Eddie want to claw his own his eyes out..

Flashback

Wednesday Morning

Yawning profusely, I managed to stumble into the parking lot outside our building around 7:30 am to get some paperwork in order before we opened. I'd had a long night playing around with the new Temp-React vibrators we had gotten in. Maybe Alice and Rose were on to something with the Popsicle dick. The cold setting was definitely something I'd be using again. Speaking of my bitchy sisters, they were still a few minutes behind, having barely stumbled into the house from what appeared to be a long night of interspecies sexin'. I had left them wondering around in a daze, muttering something about no recovery time with popsicle sticks.

Opening the door, I heard a strange whimpering coming from the back of the store. What in the hell is that? It's my luck to get caught in the middle of freaky shit when I'm here alone.

"Mike…are you there?" I called out in a low voice. I edged toward the source of the noise, grabbing one of the nicer metal vibrators from the shelf to use as a weapon. As I rounded the last row to find the noise, I saw something that caused me to let out blood-curdling scream and drop my makeshift weapon on the floor. I slapped my hands over my eyes trying to physically force the picture out of my mind.

"Jesus Fucking Christ, Mike! What the fuck did you do?" I briefly looked again, seeing the image of vanilla boy Mike Newton draped over a display Bite-Me Betty doll that was chained to the end of the aisle, pants down around his ankles …Holy fuck, are you shitting me? Now, I'll need to go to therapy! Eddie and I can do couples counseling.

"You decided to fuck the display doll at the store, Mike? Are you horny enough to be that stupid? God, this is so nasty. Why are you still attached to the fucking thing? Jesus, are those bite-marks on the doll?" Through the cracks in my hands, I could see several small teeth imprints on the doll's neck where it looked like Mike had tried to put vamp-marks. Eww, vampire fetish much? He also had a strange rash all over his face.

As I quickly recovered my eyes, shuddering, Mike finally decided to speak, "I think I'm allergic to the material on the doll. My face is broken out and well, I'm kinda…stuck. Man, I really need to take a piss."

Dear God, please strike me dead this instant. Rose is going to manually detach his dick for him after contaminating the expensive display model.

"Mike, you're going to have to keep the stick shift in park for a few minutes. Alice and Rose have the display keys to unlock the Betty doll. You'll have to wait for them. Thank God we weren't open for business yet." Damned Alice probably saw this too. Well, that certifies my revenge plans for sure. Sure enough, not even two minutes later Rose and Alice walked in. Both had tears streaming down their face and were trying hard not to snicker. "I'll go get an ice pack," Rose said and headed off towards the snack lounge.

Alice slowly approached Newton, doing her best to shield her vision from the sick sight. "Damn Newton, you sure know how to make the experience last. Poor Betty would probably be unconscious after this if she were real. You should probably follow the instructions next time. Use lube or at least check for skin sensitivity before using."

Mike was still whimpering like a little puppy as Alice got the doll unlocked. Once the doll was free, he managed to clutch it against his chest and started to edge slowly toward the stockroom, his pants tripping his movements.

"Lord knows that doll isn't light, and we certainly can't have him freaking out customers. Thank goodness you got here early enough. " Alice added as she watched him limp away dragging his plastic fuck buddy.

Rose threw a vicious glare at Newton as she launched an ice pack toward him. "Here you go, perverted asshole! As soon as you get your limp-stick iced enough to remove it, get the hell out and don't come back. And leave the doll here!" she growled. She was mumbling about the difficulties of finding trustworthy help when she got back to the counter. "Next time, we're going with a were-guard. No way in hell will I bring another dip-shit human on staff. You'd never catch a wolf doing something like that. At least a were would have the sense to not get caught. Is it safe to bleach the doll to sanitize it?"

Alice was still snickering as Mike walked dejectedly out with an ice pack clutched over his groin.

End Flashback

Thinking about that sex-tastrophe would definitely keep Eddie out of my head. Hell, I didn't even want to be a visitor in my own head after the shit I had seen this week.

How far was I willing to go for Nutward? How many personal boundaries could I stretch in the quest to banish Slut-Tanya? The thought of any guy pining away over the Vamp-Ho tugged at my heartstrings. I was always a sucker for guys like that who didn't know any better. There had definitely been a few pity-fucks in my past. Maybe Eddie could have a better ending. If he was determined to be a dumb ass like Don Quijote, I could take on the role of a Sancho Panza sex-educator for him. Lay down your weapons and back away from Twat-tanya and the Vampgina of Doom! First things first, I'll have to meet him and assess the damage.

I was still nibbling on the toe of the fried shoe when a loud shriek broke my train of thought.

"BELLLAAA!" Alice was screaming at the top of her lungs and tearing up the stairs at full speed.

Ruh-roh…the gig is up Scrappy-Doo! It's time to get the hell outta here. Esme will shit puppies if we fuck up the house again.

I dashed for the hallway in record time, but I was stopped by the impact of a speeding pixie-bullet. As she launched through the air and caught me, both of us smashed into the wall. She kept me pinned there, struggling as she held me in a head-lock.

"Ouch! Damn it, Alice-not my hair! That shit hurts!" I screamed as she grabbed a fistful of my hair at the roots. She started to pound my head against the floor, punctuating each thud with a screeching "NEVER-TOUCH-MY-SHOES-AGAIN!" I started whacking her with the fried heel, but it didn't manage to stop her. After Rose and Jasper managed to pry her away from me, I collapsed back against the wall heaving for breath.

"Jesus, Alice! Calm the fuck down. You knew she would do something like this. All your shoes were last season anyway. You can replace them now without a guilty conscience," Rose said as she tried to keep a growling Alice from struggling out of her grip. Bad idea, Rose. Never use 'Alice' and 'last season' in the same sentence if you care for your life. In the next moment, I was up scrambling to help Jasper pull Alice away from Rosalie. Alice managed to get a few good bitch-slaps thrown in, along with a nasty hair-tug before we got her away from Rose.

"Let me go! I'll take both of you bitches down. I mean it! Jasper, let me down now!" Alice continued to trill at the top of her lungs. Fortunately, Jasper seemed to be stronger than her, but suddenly she quit struggling. Her head rolled to the side and she simply went limp in his arms.

"Jesus, did you kill her? What the hell happened? Alice, wake up!" I yelled while trying to pull her away from Jasper

"Bella, plug your bitch hole before he knocks you out too! Jasper has the ability to affect your mood. He can put you to sleep, calm you, excite you, or whatever needs to be done," Rose explained. So much damned drama, "Now back to As the Werewolf-World Turns"

"Everyone, downstairs now! It's time to talk strategy about Prudeward." Rose barked as she heaved Alice over her should like a bag of potatoes. After we were settled on the couches in the living room, Rose looked at me expectantly. "So Bella, tell us what you have planned for Eddie."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Next time: Eddie finally makes an appearance

NOTE: Sorry for taking so long to get this out here, but I keep having to edit my grammar. I'm a comma whore!. Thanks to everyone who has read and taken the time to review : Rosalee Lorraine, lemonhead67, DennyRose, TeamEdwardLover, theorange3, Racullen, NanMcCullen, betah75, Zedonky, Ledybug,Nicholh2008, . I really appreciate your words!

Rosalee Lorraine-thanks for cracking the whip over my head and making me get this done. Again, a fab nod to her hot Emmett/Jasper fic that she has been sacrificing limbs to get done. I have to pimp her out because I've been bugging the hell out of her over that story. I'm still wading through all the stories of everyone who has reviewed and will talk about ones that I really like when I get the next chapter up.

Doing this stuff is so much fun, but I have exams coming up in one week, so it probably will be another week before I get anything finished here. I always date these chapters because there's nothing I hate worse than a long slump between chapters and wondering how long its been since the last update.