I'm loving the reviews…it's what keeps me writing this story. Great questions have been posted that I had already planned on addressing in this chapter. The only two scenarios I can imagine as to why Sam takes the death so hard which causes a lot of trouble for him and Andy is 1. It's Sue and he sees the pain Dov is in and can't stand the thought of being in his shoes or 2. It's Oliver (which I would just die too, but I can't help but wonder why Zoe and the children seem to be mentioned more this season) and Sam doesn't want to leave Andy a widow or his children without a father. I think it is realistic that one of these two scenarios could happen. Sam seems to not have any attachments in life (except maybe his sister) and he had no idea the emotions he would feel once he truly fell in love. I think before, all he wanted was to be with Andy but she was always taken by Luke. He never thought about how he would handle his fear of Andy being in danger everyday once he was truly free to love her, because being with her never seemed to ever be a possibility. I worry a lot about Sam and Andy breaking up. I can handle the angst and the longing looks but I cannot handle them breaking up only to start dating other people. I feel that would really cheapen their relationship. Ben was quoted as saying in a recent interview that Tassie has told him that Sam and Andy have the love story of the century and that is always in the back of her mind when she writes for those characters….sooo that gives me hope.
Also it's my experience that people do dumb things when two people who are obviously still in love, are broken up, and they are hurting and trying to get the attention of the other. With that said, please know I would never put this much energy into a Sam/Andy story without them ending up together in the end.
Enjoy!
Beep, Beep, Beep! Ugh how can it be morning already? It seems like I just fell asleep. I guess that's true since I've only been asleep for two hours. This seems to be my nightly routine for the past week after Sam walked out of my life. I go to work, come home, and then I try to keep my mind off the longing and overwhelming pain in my stomach that will not go way. I have a constant lump in my throat and I'm doing everything I can to keep up my resolve of not crying over Sam Swarek anymore.
Who does he think he is? How dare he put conditions on our love. What about him? Does he think he's the only one that worried in our relationship? Of course I'm scared to death everyday when he puts on his uniform and braves the worst of Toronto. I know that being a cop is in his blood and I can't take that away from him. Even if everyday might be our last, I'm willing to take what I can get. Except now Sam took that option from me. He gave me himself as if I was receiving the most precious gift, only to rip it away from me.
That first night was pure hell. The devastation I felt was like a mudslide leveling an entire village. I didn't know how to even put one foot in front of the other. I'm not sure how long it was before I heard a knock on my door, I don't even know how I found my self to be sitting on the couch. Thinking it might have been Sam, my heart soared and all of a sudden I couldn't get to my door fast enough. But when I opened the door, there stood Traci on the other side. One look from her and I knew immediately she must have been at Jerry's when Sam arrived.
Seeing Traci, the tears started falling again. She took the two steps separating us and became my rock for the night. Traci told me when Sam arrived at Jerry's house he was a complete mess, well a "mess" by Sam Swarek standards. I know he doesn't allow anyone to know the real him, except for me. Traci shared it was clear he had been crying. Jerry immediately asked him if I was okay and Sam simply said we were over and asked if he could crash at his house for a couple of days. According to Traci, when Sam told Jerry why our relationship was over, Jerry expressed to Sam his own fears about Traci. The difference is Jerry is much more reasonable and doesn't worry about what might happen, instead he focuses on the present.
I never felt more alone than when I came home to my apartment that first day. Traci insisted on coming with me but I told her I needed to face my reality sooner than later. I also asked for a reassignment as I knew there was no way I could endure eight hours of Sam everyday at work. As it turned out I didn't have too worry because Sam already thought of it. I wasn't sure what was worse, being with Sam in close quarters everyday, or not being with him by his own choosing.
So now here I am on day five of "operation heal broken heart" and I'm no more closer to healing than I was in those first few moments without him. Arriving at work I quickly change into my uniform since my lack of sleep has me dragging this morning. There seems to be a constant 50 lb weight attached to every movement made. I walk into parade and just like the last few days, I don't look in the back of the room because I know he'll be there. Sitting down in my usual seat, fighting the urge to put my head on the table and close my eyes, I don't register someone approaching me.
"Here you could use this." I look up and see Oliver shoving a cup of coffee into my hands. The tantalizing smell puts me on alert.
"Thanks." I give him a half smile.
"No problem, I need my rookie awake today."
"Huh, I thought I was with Nick again."
Oliver starts to stutter and then catches himself. "Um nope, new plan."
Hmmm, it doesn't take a genius to figure out this change of plan is somehow connected to Sam. Plastering a fake smile on my face I can't help but respond purposely to get under Sam's skin. "Okay well I hope you're ready for a busy day because I plan on taking every chance I can to take down the worst of Toronto." I know this is a cheap shot but I can't help it. Sam gave up his right to worry about me the moment he walked out the door.
Oliver looks up behind me for a split second before he catches himself and quickly clears his throat. "Um ya okay, you and me McNally. Mean streets of Toronto watch out." Looking like he's caught in between a tug of war, Oliver mumbles something and then walks off.
We learn in morning briefing that we're looking out for a Luis Salazar age 31. He's wanted in several murders and we're advised he won't hesitate to shoot to kill any law enforcement officer that comes his way. Fabulous, just what I need, someone to make my day.
After parade concludes I stand up anxious to remove myself from this room and breathe in some fresh air. Before I can make my way out the door I'm stopped by Traci. She grabs me gently by my elbow and asks if I'm okay.
"Fine," I respond a little harsh knowing my obvious appearance would prove otherwise.
"Drinks tonight after work?"
The thought of forgetting this pain for a few hours is very appealing to me. "Of course, I respond softer. "See you at the Penny about seven."
We say our goodbyes and as I start to walk out the door I bump into someone. Seriously can't I just get out of here? I look up to apologize to whoever has the misfortune of having to deal with me today and I'm looking into the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Eyes that bring me home.
"Sorry Andy, didn't see you," Sam states matter of factly.
"Whatever." I barely wait for the last syllable to leave my lips and I'm out the door trying to forget how good it felt to have just touched Sam. I welcome the chill in the air and finally my day can begin.
Oliver is already waiting in the car for me when I climb in. The next few minutes are spent in silence as I drink my coffee.
"Thanks again for the coffee, really I needed it," I say feeling bad for the way I talked to him earlier.
"No worries."
I can tell he wants to say something, but he's not sure how to approach the subject. I decide to try the direct approach. "Look Oliver I know you and Sam are the male equivalent to BFFs so riding with me might be a little awkward. I also know Sam put you up to it. What is his deal? Afraid I'll hook up with Nick since that seems to be my track record. Not sure why he cares, he's the one that left." I realize I'm rambling and I know now it' time to shut up.
A few seconds go by before Oliver answers as I can tell he's choosing his words carefully. Am I really that bad today?
"Look Andy, you're not the only one hurting here. Sam isn't worried that you'll hook up with Nick or anyone else for that matter. He says it's over and you two have no future so you can be with whoever you want." I flinch at those last words, Oliver might as well have punched me in the face. "But with that said, he just can't stop loving you over night and he wants someone who has more experience than a rookie to have your back while your healing from the break up. He's worried your mind might not be all in your work right now, and this leaves you vulnerable to getting hurt out here on the streets."
I'm taken aback by his words, not sure what to say to that. "Well I assure you my work is all that I'm thinking about now. He lost the right to worry about me five days ago. If he is so concerned then why doesn't he just ask me how I'm feeling?"
"Because he can only take so much pain and seeing you is very painful right now. You and I both know Sam doesn't do well with displaying emotions for everyone to see."
There really isn't anything I can say so I choose not to respond. We go about our day, and although Sam is always in the back of my mind, I'm able to concentrate on my job. Nothing too exciting happens during our shift and I feel a mixture of relief and disappointment when we don't meet up with Sam and Diaz on any call today. Finally six o'clock comes around and we're pulling back into the police station.
I'm on my way to the locker room to change into my street clothes when I see Sam through the window in the upstairs office talking to Boyd from Guns and Gangs. So that is how he plans on dealing with the break up, another under cover op. Instantly I become angry and decide the Penny just won't due tonight. After changing into my regular clothes I leave work with a new plan.
I arrive at my destination, determined to have a good time, and I think the Alpine is just what I need. Pushing open the door I walk into what could arguable be one of the seediest bars in the city. Yes, no chance of running into anyone I know here.
I quickly make my way to the bar and start with a couple of shots of tequila. Looking around I take in the dimly lit place that I shall call my home for the next few hours. It doesn't take long before two men approach me.
"He sweetie want to play some pool," guy with a pony tail asks me. I learn his name is Mick.
I know I shouldn't flirt back but what the hell. "Sure your loss," I say to them as I grab my beer and head for the pool table.
"Yo Mick, what's a classy girl like her doing in a dive like this?" I hear the second guy ask, funny thing is he's looking at me like I'm his next meal.
"I don't know James, but I sure would like to find out," Mick responds.
Both Mick and James seem to be about in their mid 30's but unlike Mick, James is very tall, muscular built, with very short blond hair.
The next few hours go by in a blur filled with pool, dancing, and more shots with Mick and James when I realize Traci must be wondering why I never came to the Penny. I check my phone and see several missed phone calls from her. I push redial and after a couple of rings Traci picks up.
"Hey where are you?" Traci asked sounding a little worried.
"I'm at the Alpine."
"Your WHAT?"
"I'm at the Alpine and I'm having a good time." I'm doing my best not to slur my words because I don't want her to worry.
"Your drunk Andy. I'm on my way."
"Okay but only if your going to have a good time because I'm having a blast. Right Mick and James?"
"Who's Mick and James," Traci cautiously asks.
"Oh you know just some guys I met tonight," I say back playfully but for some reason Traci doesn't think it's so fun.
"I'm on my way," is all she says.
I grab James and pull him back out onto the dance floor. I'm having a great time and I've managed to forget about you know who. I'm not sure how much time has passed when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and Traci is there with Jerry right behind her.
"Hey why the fiancé? I thought it was a girls night only?"
"Traci wasn't coming down to this place without some back up, SOBER back up that is," Jerry responds.
"Come on Andy your drunk, lets go." Traci tries to pull me along with her as she starts to walk towards the front door.
I pull away from Traci not ready to leave just yet. "No way, I'm having a blast with Mick and James over here." I lean back and put my arms around both of them. It doesn't go unnoticed that Jerry and Traci are staring at my waist where Mick and James have returned my gesture.
A new song starts on the juke box and I get the urge to do something that normal Andy would have never done. At this point in the night I'm not sure how many drinks I've had, but I've never felt this free before. Seeing the table next to us is empty, I leave Mick and James grasps, and climb my way to the top of the table. I start to move to the beat and before I know it I have quite the male audience.
Traci and Jerry's pleas for me to step off the table and leave with them go unanswered. Traci pulls out her cell phone and starts talking to someone, and it's only a matter of seconds after Traci hangs up that I know who she was talking to, because the next thing I notice is Sam coming through the front door and he is pissed.
Sam doesn't miss a beat as he walks straight to me without breaking eye contact.
"Andy get down now," Sam says each word slowly and deliberately.
"Go away Sam this doesn't concern you," I tell him as I'm waving my hand at him like I'm saying goodbye. Closing my eyes I start to move to the beat and without thinking I start to lift my shirt up. I'm not sure what my intention is, and before I can figure it out, strong arms grab my waist and lift me off the table. I open my eyes and I'm face to face with a fuming Sam.
"Your done now."
"Your such a caveman. First you break up with me because I won't be your delicate partner who just gives up my dream because it makes you uncomfortable. And now we aren't together anymore and you still think you can call the shots." I know I'm slurring my speech and the room is starting to spin, but I don't care. I stumble a little but Sam holds me up.
"Ya that's what I thought."
Before I can respond I hear James starting to taunt Sam. "C'mon Officer Swarek, she's having a good time. We have no problem taking her home."
Sam turns to my dates of the evening and with a look that would frighten anyone he coldly states "come near her again and you'll wish the DA left you for your boss instead of allowing you to testify against him." Turning to me I can see he is contemplating his next move. "Listen McNally you haven't seen how much of a caveman I can be, but I have no problem displaying that for everyone to see if you don't leave with us. Now lets go, I'm not asking."
"Say it again," I plead with him through my now blurring vision.
"What, that I'm a caveman?" Sam asks confused by my response.
"No, the part when you called me McNally." God it's seems like forever since he's called me by his nickname for me.
I see something register in his eyes. Pain? Regret? But it soon passes as Sam swallows back his emotions. "Lets go," is all he says as he holds on to me leading my out to the parking lot.
He helps me into his truck and buckles me in. He turns to Jerry and Traci, telling them he can take it from here, and I'm pretty sure I hear him say thank you. Resting my head on the cool window, I know now whatever I drank earlier isn't going to be in me much longer.
"What were you thinking? The Alpine? " Sam asks me sounding exasperated as he starts up his truck.
"Sam not now, I can't take it. If you don't want to clean the inside of your truck I suggest you get me home fast."
"What if we hadn't shown up, then you would be in this situation right now with those two lowlifes."
"Hey James and Mick were two very nice gentlemen."
"Ya, one's a drug dealer and the other's a rapist. Did you forget I know half those people from my time undercover."
I lift my head from the window and look up at him. "Which one's which?" I asked genuinely curious.
"Really? Seriously? Does it matter?" Okay apparently leaving the Alpine does nothing to calm Sam's anger.
"Okay too many questions, I already see too many of you right this second as it is." I lean my head back on the window and concentrate on my breathing so I don't make Sam's night even worse by throwing up in his precious truck.
The rest of the ride is in silence. When we arrive at my apartment I attempt to get out of the truck on my own but I manage to almost face plant on the cement.
"Andy just let me carry you. You're a mess right now and probably a danger to yourself and anyone that might pass you on the side walk."
The fight in me is leaving and I put my arms around Sam's neck. He lifts me up with ease, and that safety I've always felt with him returns. When we arrive in my apartment he takes me to the bathroom where I immediately feel the loss of his touch as he sits me down in front of the toilet. Soon the remnants of the evening come up and Sam is holding my hair and rubbing my back as the muscle spasms continue. I guess Sam can't quit trying to take care of me anymore than I can quit loving him.
Finally the muscle spasms subside and Sam helps clean me up. He manages to get me to drink some water and helps me undress for bed. I'm somewhat out of it and I know it's only a matter of time before I pass out. I vaguely notice soft warmth on my back as he gently rubs on me, and before I'm out to the world, I swear I hear him saying he misses me.
I wake up to the coffee pot brewing and I can hear someone in the kitchen. For a minute I forget about last night and the fact that Sam and I no longer live together. Then it all comes back to me and I'm over come with emotion. I try so hard to hold it together but I bury myself into my pillow and let the tears roll. Within a few seconds I can feel someone sitting on my bed.
"You feeling okay Andy?" Sam asks me with concern etched in his voice.
"How can you even ask me that?" I shoot back at him. He doesn't respond and I turn over knowing I need to face him.
"What the hell were you thinking last night?" His words sound angry but his tone is nothing but gentle.
"I was thinking I wanted to be numb for just a few hours. I wanted to be someplace where I knew that I would not recognize anyone. I didn't count on drinking so much that I would act the way that I did." I'm all of a sudden flooded with memories of me and a table. "Oh no, did I really dance on top of a table?"
"Yes and had I not been so worried about what could have happened to you had we not found where you were at, I would have been insanely jealous that you never danced for me like that," Sam explains with a look that tells me he's remembering last night's events.
"Stop thinking of me dancing last night. I'm so embarrassed."
Sam laughs a little and then becomes serious. "For as long as I live I will never forget that image of you last night."
Silence fills the air as we sit there and stare at each other. Not sure if he is contemplating making a move or not but I realize then that Sam never left me last night. "Where did you sleep?"
"On the couch, you were too intoxicated for me to leave you ."
"Thank you," I whisper. Sam just smiles back at me. "So what now?"
"We try to find our new normal," Sam responds like it's the easiest thing in the world to do…like going to the store shopping for a new summer top.
"What is that exactly?" Do I even want to know the answer I wonder.
"We have to figure out how we are going to co-exist in the same police department with the knowledge we can never be together."
"Says you. Look Sam do you really think I don't worry about you too…because I do, every day. But I don't expect you to quit what you were obviously made to do."
"I know what I asked you was unfair but it's how I feel. You know my history of growing up in foster care because my father split and my mom was hooked on drugs. I was all my sister had for support while I never had anyone. I thought I didn't need anyone until you came along. My strong, determined, sweet rookie. You were, still are, the most precious thing to ever enter my life. If I can't protect you then I have to let you go, because when it comes to keeping you safe, failing is not an option. If you continue to put yourself in the line of fire, I can't keep watching and hoping one day I'll be there for you when you need me most. As a co-worker I will do my best to always have your back, but I can't be anything else for you, the risk of losing you is too great."
I sit there staring at him knowing there is nothing I can say that will change the situation. "I can't change my career in law enforcement, I'm afraid I will end up resenting you."
"I know that and that's why I'm not angry with you this time for choosing your career over me." I know Sam is referring to when I went to Tamagami for three months during our suspension. It took a couple of weeks before he let that one go. "My only regret is that I didn't realize this sooner. If I'd have known this is how I would feel once we were able to finally be together, and I could feel the true extent of my love for you, I would have never allowed us to happen. I didn't anticipate ever feeling this way for someone." Sam reaches up to caress my face but he slowly pulls his hand away. My heart sinks again.
"I saw you talking to Boyd, I guess going back to Guns and Gangs is your way of dealing with the break up." I say this like I'm angry at him, but the truth is I'm terrified at the thought of going months without seeing him.
"Actually you are."
My breath catches and I'm not sure I heard him right. "What do you mean?"
"Boyd was briefing me on the next assignment and it requires a female. He asked me if I thought you were up for the challenge."
"I'm sure you said no just to keep me out of danger."
"I said yes." The look on Sam's face shows me just how hard it was for him to admit that. "I don't want to hold you back from what you love to do just because I can't be there for you when you return."
My heart shatters when I hear these words. I turn away from him and stare out the window. I don't even bother to wipe away the tears falling down my face, I don't need to because Sam is wiping them away for me.
Turning my face back to him he pleads with me not to look away. "If you want the job we have a meeting with the Deputy District Attorney Jackson Cole next week."
"What do you mean we?" I'm afraid to hope.
"Boyd wants me in on the operation, he says no one knows how you work better than me. At this point it's for consultation only, but I might at some point go under cover with you. Not sure yet how everything is going to play out."
"So you change partners only to agree to go undercover with me?" I ask him feeling so confused. "And they say women are complicated." Sam laughs at my response and it breaks some of the tension between us. "It's good to see you smile. The last time we were together in this apartment you were so broken."
"Ya well I was, and if we're being truthful, I still am. I can't let that get in the way of my job or yours though Andy."
"So who's the lucky lady you've been drowning your sorrows with this last week." I instantly regret asking this question because I really don't want to know.
"Andy, I didn't sleep with anyone the entire time you were with Luke, even when I found out about your engagement. Why would you think I would run out and find another woman just days after we end our engagement?"
"I just figured," I go quiet unable to finish my sentence.
Sam stands up from what was once our bed and before he walks out the door he turns to me. "Coffee is made in the kitchen, I know you're going to need it. Try and enjoy your weekend. See you at work in a couple days."
He doesn't wait for my response before he's out the door. I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding. I allow my head to fall back onto my pillow and pull the covers over my head in an attempt to forget about life for a while.