Song Fic: Darren Hayes- Where You Want To Be (I cut the last verse to fit my purposes)
Where You Want To Be
It was so strange, he didn't even remember keeping any of these things sitting right there in front of him. It was so long ago all the photo's and letters brought back memories of running around and sneaking off just to be together. That day they got into that huge fight with each other, that same night apologizing indignantly sounding as if they didn't mean it when they really did. He picked up a folded letter, slight water damaged around the edges, brown spots seeping into the edges of semi burnt paper. Anthony found himself smiling. It's crazy how time changes everything and everyone around you till nothing was quite recognizable anymore.
Hey there stranger, do you remember?
You were a part of my life
Early December, think I remember?
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing, life's rearranging
Full of could've dones, would've beens
It's all your fault, and where have you been
And how time goes, and now I don't even know
How to fill the spaces of the love you erased in my life.
School bells rang and teenagers hustled about shuffling in all directions and Tony spotted him from across the hall. He made his way over and gently punched him in the shoulder and smiled. Shawn punched him back and they headed off with their friends. They all sat together in the back next to the crowded portables next to the trees, that's when a note fell out of his pocket.
One of their friends picked it up and unfolded it and started reading it. Shawn immediately noticed and snatched it away from him.
"Dude, that's just sick, you guys are-" Shawn shoved him.
"Shawn! What the hell are you doing?" Anthony yelled, then noticed the letter and patted his pocket and felt the empty space where it use to be.
"Chill the fuck out Jack."
"They're fags, I mean come on that's sick, it ain't right."
"Fuck you!" Shawn shoved him again then turned on Anthony, "and what I tell you about carrying this crap in your pocket!"
"You're blaming me?" Anthony glared at him feeling defensive.
"Of course I'm blaming you, it's your fault isn't it, Tony!" he shoved him now.
Anthony shoved him back, "Fuck you it's always my fault!"
"Yes, it is!"
The two of them continued shoving each other till it turned into a fist fight. Mostly to their friends it was more strange to see them fighting then to find out they were, well, mostly to everyone, but Jack. A couple of teachers had to come and break them up, by that time a full crowd had formed and was cheering them on. Questions of what happened and who started it and what were they fighting about were being asked left and right.
They ended up suspended for two weeks, neither talking about what had happened. In those two weeks all they did was argue over the phone and by the time they went back to school, they'd already split up. Neither sparing the other more then a glance.
Tony sighed to himself as he put the letters back where he found them and tapped up the box. Carefully he labeled the box and stacked it with the rest of his things to be placed in the moving truck. Maybe time would keep changing things till all he remembered were only the good moments. Sometimes he still wondered what Shawn was doing.
Are you where you want to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?
Shawn kept throwing stuff into the trashcan, it sucked having to move back home because he couldn't make the rent anymore. It seemed like life just liked to fuck him over time and time again. Losing his job was the pinnacle moment of failure, or at least that's what he had thought at the time. Twenty-three and having to move back in with your mommy and daddy was just an embarrassment. He made to pick up another box and tossed it into the trashcan, the lid came off and paper flew out. He bent down to pick them up and realized what they were.
Shawn smiled to himself and sat down next to the trashcan and started reading threw them. Some were written in red, others in blue, mainly in black. Some were folded into squares, a lot actually since they didn't know many fancy folds back then. One was in the shape of a heart, he never did give that one to Anthony.
And barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind
It was four days since they'd broken up and Shawn felt like he was missing something very important. He was missing Tony, he'd never go and admit he'd made a mistake, but he'd definitely think it to himself. Like he had been these past four days which felt more like a century, maybe he could just write Anthony and things could be the same.
So he opened a notebook tore out a page and carefully trimmed the edges till they were just how he wanted them. Next the grabbed a pen, not just any pen it was the pen Tony made him in woodshop with his name engraved in it and everything. It was something that was most precious to him and he told himself he'd never throw it out even if it ran out of ink. Then he began writing.
Four hours later and about eight tries he finally had the perfect letter. He stared down at it reading it over again carefully making sure there were no errors and seeing how much he poured his heart out into it…
"Dear Tony, I'm sorry," he said to himself as he started to fold it into that familiar square then stopped.
He unfolded it and smoothed it out and started again and again and again till he finally got it into the shape he wanted it to be. He stared at it once more, the shape of an angled heart, many creases in it, but conveying what he meant.
That next day at school he made his way around campus trying all day to give it to him, or slip it to him, but he never got the chance. He couldn't find him, no matter how hard he tried and he knew Tony was there. He got the feeling that something was telling him they just weren't meant to be.
Shawn stood up and grabbed the box from the trash and set it aside and went to go find an envelope. It may be too late, but it didn't mean he couldn't mail him an old note. As lame as that was it would make him fell so much better, a lot more better then he'd felt in ages. Maybe if he was lucky enough Tony would still remember him.
Are you where you want to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?
While I was busy
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And I let a ripple run right through my heart
Of battle stations we're building
You and I just grew apart
We grow apart.
Tony found himself three houses down from his parents having been convinced it was the right choice. It was like high school all over again when he decided to listen to Jack and all his other friends to just avoid Shawn. Like that was the right thing to do, he was so stupid for always putting his friends and family first. He could barely remember the last time he did something for himself.
His phone started ringing, he checked the caller ID and smiled, "Hey mom."
Five minutes later he was holding a letter addressed to him from New York, no name, no return address. He sat down on his couch and opened one of the side ends and a heart shaped piece of notebook paper fell out. Very carefully he unfolded it and began to read it.
"God damn you Shawn!" the glared down at the letter.
While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?
Shawn found himself home for the first time in years. He decided he'd go walking like he and Tony use to always do. Down behind the fixed fences now laying broken and rotting on the grass, past the now closed corner store. Shawn saw it, old and rusting he turned it a little and listened to the screeching sound it made as it slowly turned. He smiled and sat down on the merry-go-round slowly he started spinning himself round and round.
For a brief moment he entertained the thought that if he spun the merry-go-round fast enough he could rewind time and erase all his mistakes. He'd go back and give Anthony that note the day he wrote it. Gone to his house in the middle of the night banged on his window till it opened or he broke it. Told him exactly how he felt and how he was sorry. All the mean and ugly things they'd said to each other was only because they were embarrassed and angry and had never gone through something like that.
Life really did fix all the things you never new; it was frustrating discovering that he was still learning things about love. He'd been alone for so long now coming home just seemed to intensify those feelings. Everyone he knew was gone living the life they always wanted. Going to school or having jobs far from this small town. All he wanted was somebody to be with, anyone would do at this point for him.
Am I where I want to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
Tony very annoyed found himself smoking and walking, till he suddenly realized where he'd been walking to. He kicked at the old rotting fence boards, glanced at the closed corner store and then stopped at the tree just around the corner from the park he and Shawn use to meet up at. All those nights sitting on the merry-go-round, falling asleep there, waking up to cop car lights and then running way laughing. He stared at the carving just their initials forever imprinted into the bark. Tony smiled as he ran his hand over it.
Am I where I want to be?
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold.
Shawn sighed and let the merry-go- round start to slow. He was just ready to get up when the merry-go-round finally stopped and landed at the edge of the wooden fence next to that tree. He got up and shoved his hands in his pockets almost deciding to avoid to the tree altogether and go the other way, but something felt like it was pulling him. He hated himself for falling for the urge to relive memories, he turned the corner and saw someone standing there and made to turn around.
I'd settle for somebody to hold now…
"Shawn?"
He spun around and smiled.
XXX
A/N: I've wanted to write something for a while now, I feel so rusty. This song always touches me so with all Darren Hayes songs, I suggest you find it and listen to it. He always has such strong feelings in his songs like I could feel how sad he was when he wrote it. Or I'm just crazy tired and delirious from all the morning sickness lol. Either way I hope you enjoyed it.