Full Circle
Disclaimer: All recognizable Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.
Listen To: Sleep by Melissa Etheridge; Time Stands Still by The All-American Rejects
Chapter 3 - Wish I Could Turn Back Time
Bella Swan
September 4th - 8th, 2017
Before she could leave the hospital, she'd had to talk to the police. Apparently it was standard protocol when gunshots were involved. Two plainclothes detectives brought her into a room and closed the door behind them.
"We're so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Black," the portlier man had started.
"Swan," she corrected automatically.
The man consulted his small notebook and corrected himself. "Mrs. Swan. I apologize. If you don't mind, we have a few questions for you."
"Okay," she agreed meekly. She was fairly certain they would ask her anyway even if she did mind, but at that moment, she couldn't really bring herself to care one way or the other.
The detective had apparently decided to dispense with all other pleasantries. "Your husband was shot three times in the chest and abdomen. Our precinct received a call reporting the shots from a couple who happened to be taking a walk near your husband's garage. When our men arrived on the scene, your husband was alone and unconscious."
She swallowed hard and willed him silently to stop. She didn't want to be hearing this.
"Where were you this evening between 10:30 and 11 PM?" he continued.
"At home." Her voice came out shaky, and she took a deep breath and let it out. "I was at home with my friends."
He nodded. "Did you know where your husband was at that time?"
Her eyes flashed up to his. "I knew he was at work."
"Did your husband always keep such late hours at work?"
"No," she answered. "Is that important? What does that have to do with anything?"
The other cop stepped in then, pushing himself off the wall he'd been leaning against. "We're sorry if our questions might seem strange, Mrs. Swan. We don't mean to be harsh. But we've been assigned to your husband's case, and this is all important for us to know in the context of our investigation."
"Investigation?" she repeated numbly.
"The investigation of the shooting," he clarified.
She couldn't believe this was happening. She drew in another shaky breath, trying to wrap her mind around the situation. "You're investigating why Jacob was shot?"
"We realize this must be difficult for you. Do you need anything? Water? Coffee?" His apologetic smile seemed genuine enough.
Bella looked Good Cop in the eyes and shook her head. "No, that's fine. I'll answer what I can."
Indifferent Cop nodded efficiently and dove back into his questioning. "So to clarify, you're saying it was not typical for Mr. Black to work so late?"
She shook her head again. "He was accommodating a customer's schedule."
"Right." The man consulted his notebook again. "A Mr. Owens, who brought in his Aston Martin."
"Is that what this was about?" she asked. "Was the car stolen?"
The two men exchanged glances, but ignored her question. The portly man pressed on. "Was it common for Mr. Black to have other employees with him at the garage?"
"I'm not sure I know what you mean," she replied hesitantly.
"Meaning, would anyone have known that Mr. Black would be alone tonight?"
"He doesn't usually work this late at all," she repeated.
"But he did sometimes," the cop inferred.
She shifted in her seat under his scrutiny. "I guess so."
Good Cop swooped in again, pulling a chair around the table to take a seat next to her. "Listen, Isabella, we can't imagine what you're going through right now. I know this must be hard. We're sorry to have to ask you all these questions, but this is important."
She blinked back tears and bit the inside of her cheek. "I think in the past, when he's worked late, Quil or Embry were usually with him."
She watched Indifferent Cop jot that down in his notebook. "We'll follow up with them, too."
"Now, Isabella, this next question might be difficult," Good Cop warned her.
Indifferent Cop gave her an appraising look, as if judging whether she could handle it. She did her best to brace herself.
"Mrs. Swan," he began. "Did your husband have any known enemies?"
The question knocked the wind out of her. She could read between the lines. "Are you saying someone did this on purpose? That someone went there to hurt him?"
The two men exchanged another long glance, and Bella watched as they seemed to have an entire conversation without saying a word. Finally the Good Cop sighed.
"Nothing was stolen," he revealed. "Not the Aston Martin, not any of the other cars. No equipment, supplies, cash, paperwork - nothing was touched."
Bella struggled with that revelation. The pieces of this puzzle didn't make any sense. Clearly they had to be missing something. There had to be an explanation. This couldn't have happened for no reason. It must have been a mistake. A stupid, terrible, horrific mistake.
"No one has ever disliked Jacob," she insisted, though it came out as little more than a whisper. "That's impossible. Jacob is just a great guy."
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realized her error. Present tense. From that moment on, Jacob would only be past-tense. She tried to swallow around the lump in her throat, but couldn't. Her eyes flooded with tears. Who would do this to Jacob? There was no way this was happening. This couldn't be happening.
The two men exchanged another furtive glance, and then Good Cop put a hand on her shoulder. "We're so sorry, Mrs. Swan. You've been very helpful. You're free to go, and we'll call you with any further questions in the next few days, okay?"
"Thank you," she managed through her tears. She wasn't sure why she was thanking them; she wasn't sure at all of the etiquette associated with this scenario.
The two men exited to give her some privacy. Emmett and Rose must have been loitering near the door, because they swept in the moment she was alone. Emmett gave a curt nod to his colleagues, and Rose rushed to Bella's side.
"Oh, honey," Rose murmured gently. "Let's go home, okay?"
Bella could only nod, and let herself be escorted from the hospital.
By the time they arrived back at her house, she'd managed to get herself under control again, but then found herself at a loss. At the hospital, there had been doctors and nurses and police, all pointing her in the right direction, letting her know what was needed of her. Now that she was home, she didn't know what to do with herself. She'd finally stopped losing pieces of time, but now that she was in the moment, she didn't know what to do with it. The minutes and hours ticked by, and Jacob was just dead. That wasn't right.
What was she supposed to do next? She kept trying to come up with an answer, becoming frustrated as more time slipped away while she was still stuck wondering. She needed the time to stop. Just give her a minute to catch up.
A realization struck her then and she sucked in a breath. She should have put out food. Damn, why hadn't she thought of that? Everyone was at her house, and she should have put out food for them, or offered them something. She was being a terrible hostess.
She stared at her reflection in the mirror above the bathroom sink. Her eyes were red and swollen, and she swiped under her lashes to clear the last traces of mascara. She'd bitten her bottom lip until it was bloody, but there was nothing to be done about that now. Her same old eyes gazed back at her through the mirror.
Jacob just died. Shouldn't she look different? Surely nothing could ever be the same again.
Alice knocked tentatively on the bathroom door. "Bella?"
How long had she been standing there?
She followed Alice wordlessly into the living room and took a seat on the couch next to her father, who rubbed his face with his hands. Alice went straight to Jasper and hugged him tightly. Quil and Embry, who worked at the garage with Jacob, were sitting on the other side of her father. Seth and Leah would have been there, but they were on vacation with their mother. She'd called them, and listened to Seth's voice break as he told her they'd be back soon. Carlisle sat with Esme at the kitchen table, doing his best to comfort her as she cried silently. Rosalie sat in Emmett's lap in one of Bella's overstuffed upholstered chairs, and Edward sat in the other.
She couldn't stand to just sit there any longer, so she got up and went to the kitchen. She was usually at her best in the kitchen, but for once she was lost. The rules of etiquette made it clear that she needed to provide her guests with something to eat, but she didn't know what they'd like. What would be appropriate?
She stood in front of the fridge and stared at its contents. Had it really only been earlier today that she'd been happily cleaning the fridge? A glance at the clock above the stove revealed that it was 4:37 am. It was yesterday, then.
She shivered, still standing in front of the open refrigerator. What should she make? She always made fruit tarts for celebrations, and her famous salmon cakes for parties. This wasn't an occasion for either. What goes well with shock and horror?
She shivered again. Shock. Is that what she was feeling? No, that couldn't be it. Her world had stopped, but the earth had kept turning, taking no heed that she needed it to stop.
She grabbed a bag of carrots and a stalk of celery and brought them over to her cutting board. She was in the habit of washing the groceries when she brought them home, so all she had to do was cut them up and put them on a platter. If she were lucky, maybe she could lose herself in the familiar task.
Alice came up behind her while she was chopping. Bella turned to look at her, and almost wished she hadn't. She didn't want to see what her bright, happy, bouncing Alice had been reduced to. Her eyes were red and her face was drawn.
Unbidden, a cascade of images from the past few hours flashed before Bella's eyes.
Rosalie sat quietly in her chair at the hospital with her head in her hands, and Emmett knelt at her feet. She remembered seeing Carlisle talking quietly on his cell phone. She couldn't make out his words, but the look on his face had been more than enough. She remembered hearing Alice say "no". She couldn't remember when Jasper had arrived, but he stood straight with his arms wrapped loosely around his wife, and she was pounding him with her tiny fists while she cried. She hit him over and over, murmuring "no, no" until she collapsed against him, crying quietly.
"Bella?" Alice's voice brought her back to the kitchen. She realized that she'd stopped chopping and was staring blankly at the cutting board. "What are you doing in here?"
"People must be hungry."
Alice nodded, her wide eyes full of concern. "Okay."
She let Bella pile the veggies on a plate and followed her back into the living room, where she placed them on the coffee table before reclaiming her seat next to Charlie. She stared at the plate of vegetables. No one took any, and they continued to sit wordlessly. What could be said?
"Bella." The sound of her name came as a shock, and she automatically turned to look in the direction of whoever just spoke. Quil gestured to himself and Embry. "It's getting late. We're gonna take off."
"Right, it's late," she mumbled. "Thanks for coming."
She stood up to see them to the door. In the midst of chaos, she felt that she should at least be able to maintain her good manners.
"We'll call you tomorrow," Embry promised. She hugged them both and shut the door behind them.
"We should be getting home as well." Carlisle and Esme stood and they exchanged hugs.
"If you need anything, just call," Esme insisted, her tears still falling freely. She hugged Bella tightly and Bella clung to her, inhaling the indescribable scent that would always give her a feeling of being home. "Do you promise?"
She nodded. "I promise. Thank you."
She shut the front door behind Esme and Carlisle and watched them through the window as they drove away. Eventually she had to turn away from the door. She walked back to the living room and looked at her friends, her family. She couldn't stand to see them so broken. She couldn't do this anymore.
"I'm going to go lie down," she announced. A part of her argued that she was being terribly selfish by leaving them, but that small part was waging a losing war. She was so tired.
She padded down the hall to the bedroom It looked the same as it always did. Jacob always made the bed. She laid down on top of the covers. After watching 37 minutes tick away on the clock on the bedside table, she turned onto her other side, but that left her facing the empty side of the bed. She quickly decided that the clock was better. Awhile later she the door open and click shut again, and then Alice laid down next to her.
"Everyone's gone," she whispered.
Damn. She should have said goodbye.
Light behind her eyelids signaled her to wake up. She rolled over and reached out to… Oh, God.
She sat up, gasping. She couldn't get enough air. She'd forgotten.
She closed her eyes tight. She'd fallen asleep. She'd fallen asleep, and forgotten. How could she have fallen asleep? If she hadn't gone to sleep, then maybe yesterday wouldn't have been real. Couldn't yesterday have not been real?
Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt like her veins had been flushed with ice water. Her stomach was in her throat, and for a few moments she thought she might be sick. She sat on the bed only long enough for the nausea to pass and to catch her breath. She was still shaking when she stood up, but she had to get out. Without glancing back at the bed, she shut the door behind her.
A glance at the clock in the dining room told her it was 10 am, which meant she'd slept for about 3 hours. Apparently that was long enough.
She turned on the tv and sat on the couch with her knees pulled to her chest. She knew Alice was still in the guest room, but she wanted to let her sleep as much as she could. She'd been through a lot.
After awhile, she felt Alice situate herself on the couch and put an arm around her shoulders. They sat in silence. A few hours later, Rosalie arrived and joined them. At one point Alice put a sandwich in front of her. She wasn't hungry, so she left it alone.
The day was punctuated by doorbells and phone calls. Her dining room table was covered in flowers, and her fridge was quickly filling up with casseroles. She got calls from both Rebecca and Rachel. She knew that eventually she was going to have to snap into gear and help get things prepared for the funeral.
She didn't want to do this.
Seth and Leah stopped by. It broke her heart to see Seth cry. They'd both been through too much at too young an age, and the last thing they needed was another funeral. Esme was there for awhile, and Jasper was around at various points throughout the day. He still had patients to see, but he stayed as long as he could. Angela came by with a tray of crackers, cheese, and grapes. Apparently that was what one should serve in this situation. Leave it to Angela to know.
When it was dark outside, Bella was still sitting on the couch with Alice and Rose. The doorbell rang and Alice got up to answer, again. She came back in with Emmett and Edward in tow.
"Hey Bella."
She looked up. It was usually hard not to return Emmett's smile, but she didn't think she had it in her. She noticed that Edward was still wearing his scrubs.
Rosalie left to pick up Emily from the babysitter, and Emmett was in the kitchen with Alice when Edward turned to look at Bella. His hair was a complete mess, as opposed to its usual controlled disarray. He had circles under his eyes and was sporting heavy stubble. Edward was a guy who was typically unable to look bad, but he certainly didn't look good. She stared at him from her position on the couch with her cheek resting against her knees.
He ran both hands through his hair a couple of times before speaking. His soft voice was strained. "Bella, I'm so sorry."
She nodded. She'd been hearing that a lot lately.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, and she knew him well enough to know that he only did that when he was upset, or had a headache. He closed his eyes and sighed, shaking his head. "I really tried. I swear I tried."
Oh. He thinks it's his fault.
Bella knew she should say something, but she didn't know what. Words were not something that she was capable of anymore. But still, he should know that she didn't blame him. He had to know that, didn't he? It wasn't his fault.
When he opened his eyes, she caught his gaze and held it. She shook her head and tried to convey her message with her eyes. Don't blame yourself. I don't. We know you did your best.
He sighed again and gave her a rueful smile. The kind of smile that said you were anything but happy.
Emmett had to drive Edward home. Jasper came back again, and Bella tried not to listen to Alice speaking softly to him in the kitchen. Her voice was muffled and Bella knew that she wasn't meant to hear.
"Jazz, I don't know what to do," she whispered. Bella could tell she was crying. Although she didn't like Alice being upset, she took a small amount of comfort in knowing that she wasn't the only one who didn't know what to do.
"I don't know how to comfort her," Alice continued. "She doesn't talk, she doesn't even cry. I don't know what to do."
"Just stay with her," Jasper answered in a low voice. "She's still in shock. Just give her some time. All you need to do is be there for her."
"Tell me what to do," she pleaded. "Please tell me we'll make it through this."
Alice continued to cry while Jasper made soothing sounds, and Bella continued to try not to hear. Alice calmed down after a few moments and pulled herself back together. When she emerged from the kitchen, only the slight redness of her eyes betrayed her.
Jasper sat quietly in one of the armchairs, and Bella could tell that just his presence had a positive impact on Alice's composure. He was solid, steady, and she drew strength from him that made her more stable, too. It was past midnight when he said goodbye, which left her alone with Alice on the couch again.
"Bella, it's getting late," she said gently. "Do you think you want to go to bed?"
She just shook her head. She couldn't go back in there. She didn't even want to sleep. She wouldn't be able to bear it if she forgot again, and had to remember. Living it once was bad enough.
Alice stayed on the couch with her, and when she fell asleep Bella stared blankly at the television. She thought that if she could bring herself to care about the late night sitcom rerun, then maybe she could escape for a minute. But she really couldn't care.
The next few days seemed to last a lifetime, and yet there were really no distinguishable events. Time was a slippery thing, and Bella couldn't seem to keep a handle on it. The very meaning of time had begun to wear away. What did it really matter?
She had to prepare for the funeral. She knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any easier. Alice was a huge help. Her coordination skills were indispensable when it came to trying to track down Quileute elders, make phone calls, and order flowers. Bella was supposed to write and deliver the eulogy. That was the one thing that she was in charge of.
"If you need any help, just let me know," Jasper had offered. She got similar offers from Esme, Emmett, and Angela. The problem was, she didn't just need help. She didn't even know where to begin.
"You're a writer, Bella," Alice encouraged. "This is what you do. Just think of the happiest memories you have of Jacob, and write them down. You'll be fine."
Would she ever be fine again? She doubted it. But that was beside the point.
She tried to write it. She sat down at her computer on several occasions, but each time she found herself staring at a blank page with a blinking cursor. She didn't want to think about happy memories of Jacob. She didn't want her memories, she wanted him.
She tried to write multiple times over the next two days, until suddenly the funeral was a day away, and she still only had a blinking cursor. As she sat at her desk staring at a blank computer screen, she was only too eager to take Alice up on her suggestion to accompany her to pick up the flowers. Bella knew that her well-meaning friend's primary objective was just to get her out of the house, but at that moment, she just needed to get away from the computer. Angela was supposed to be arriving with food for the luncheon after the burial, and she would need someone to let her into the house and help her unload the car. Edward had ridden over with Alice, and agreed to stay at the house.
Alice drove Jasper's SUV so that they would have enough room for the flowers in the back. Bella stared silently out the window as they drove to the florist, trying to ignore the worried looks Alice gave her every 30 seconds.
They couldn't find any parking near the florist shop, so they were going to have to carry the flowers about a block to get them to the car. As they walked to the store, Bella shivered and regretted not bringing a jacket. Summer was really over.
As they walked down the block, Bella heard laughter and automatically turned her head toward the sound. Who could possibly be laughing at a time like this?
A teenager across the street was laughing with her boyfriend while eating a burger. Bella realized in a dizzying rush that she was across the street from the park. Their park. The very last place she'd ever talked to Jacob. It was the very last place she'd ever seen her husband alive. Suddenly she wasn't cold anymore. She was having a panic attack.
She stepped into the alley and around the corner of a building, leaning against the brick exterior and gasping. Alice smoothed her hair and rubbed circles on her back. "Put your head between your knees," she encouraged.
Bella sank to the ground and followed the advice, surprisingly finding that it was easier that way to feel like she wasn't dying. She managed to breathe like a normal human for a few moments.
"Bella." Alice's concerned face entered her field of view, studying her. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I don't know," she replied back, her voice coming out tight. That was the honest truth. For her friend's sake, she added on. "I hope so."