"With all the things I know, I could write a book..."
-Sacha Guitry
Age 15
"Ooo, a river." Dazai commented brightly.
The brunette ran over and jumped on the railing. Dazai crouched, a smile on his face as he saw the flowing water several yards below.
Suddenly, someone grabbed his collar and pulled him backward off the rail.
The brunette was sprawled on his back. "Ow. "
"If you're going to kill yourself, do it after our job," Chuuya lectured.
"But it's such a pretty river, and it'll be dark later." Dazai complained.
"Do I look like I care?" The redhead retorted.
Dazai stuck his tongue out. "Spoil-sport."
Chuuya rolled his eyes and walked towards the mission objective. He grumbled to him, "at this point I could write a book about that idiot. How to handle your suicidal partner, by Chuuya Nakahara."
XXX
Age 22
It was a packed bar. Kunikida saw an open space and headed towards it.
Kunikida slid into the cushy bar seat. The bartender raised an eyebrow at the detective. The blond sighed, "I'll have a straight whiskey. The cheapest you have."
The detective mentally groaned about his decision. Going drinking to get over Dazai's latest shenanigans would throw off his budget.
Kunikida glanced to his right. A redhead with a fedora looked up from his own glass. An opened wine bottle stood by the other man's arm. With shock, the detective realized who the man was.
"Mr. Nakahara," Kunikida politely greeted.
"Kunikida… the Mackeral's partner," Nakahara Chuuya begrudgingly replied.
The two sat in uncomfortable silence. After Kunikida received his drink, Chuuya spoke up. "Has the Mackerel given you guys a lot of trouble?"
The detective twitched and took his time sipping the whiskey. "It's hard to keep my sanity."
Chuuya nodded with grim understanding. "On average, how many attempts?"
"Once or twice a day. My colleagues treat it as more comical and weird than serious," Kunikida replied with a sigh.
"That's a severe decrease," Chuuya observed. The Mafia executive gestured to his open bottle. "Do you want some?"
"Thank you." Kunikida responded. In the back of his mind, the deceptive wondered how often Dazai had attempted suicide while in the Port Mafia. How many of Dazai's brushes with death had the brunette's former partner seen?
The two spent a while keeping an eye on those around the room and slowly getting through their drinks. The detective mulled over the past day and if he could have done anything different. Kunikida frowned-he liked peace-but Dazai knew exactly how to press his buttons for him to erupt in frustration and rage.
The detective sighed once again. The executive raised an eyebrow. "What's on your mind? Something happen recently?" Chuuya questioned.
The blond refused to answer, lost in his thoughts. "More?" Chuuya asked, and tapped the wine bottle.
"Ah, no, no. Thank you." Kunikida politely replied.
"I insist." Chuuya waved away the blond's concerns. The executive poured for Kunikida, and vice versa.
"As I said before, did something happen? Do you want to talk about it?" Chuuya pried. "Well..." Kunikida trailed off.
The executive sensed the detective's hesitance. "We're allies for now," Chuuya pointed out.
The detective was annoyed and drunk enough to confide in his temporary ally. His rant started out with, "He flirts with every young woman he sees..."
After Kunikida ran out of words for his grievances, Chuuya leaned on a hand. "Same old problems then."
"I've only dealt with him for two years. How'd you survive?" Kunikida asked.
Chuuya pursed his lips and ignored the question. "I'm willing to help. I wrote down everything I learned about handling him."
XXX
Kunikida had two books opened in front of him.
He was reading the new book and every once in a while wrote something down in his Ideal book.
Atsushi crept in front of Dazai's desk and lifted the reading book up in an attempt to glimpse the title. Kunikida lightly slammed the book down on the whitenette's fingers.
Atsushi grimaced. "What are you doing?" Kunikida asked. The annoyed blond allowed Atsushi's fingers to escape.
Behind Kunikida, Dazai popped up to sneakily read over his partner's shoulder. "I was curious," Atsushi admitted.
"Curiosity killed the cat," Dazai reminded the weretiger.
And what are you doing, not reading over Kunikida's shoulder? Atsushi sarcastically thought.
Dazai looked over Kunikida's shoulder. A strange look crossed the brunette's face. "Who gave you this?"
Kunikida showed the front to Dazai and Atsushi. The black letters stood out clearly on rrthe tan cover.
'How to Handle Your Suicidal Partner, by Chuuya Nakahara.'
Dazai gasped in horror.
"It showed up on my doorstep," Kunikida explained. The blond omitted meeting the redhead the night before, as Dazai would be even more annoying today if he knew.
"Curse you hat rack," Dazai muttered.
XXX
Chapter 2: Suicide attempts
Section 4
"Hanging: Cut the rope."
Dazai hummed as he swung the rope over the beam. He secured the rope end to the leg of the couch in the waiting area.
The rest of the office continued to go about their business. Atsushi and Kyouka were the only ones to stop what they were doing.
Dazai slipped the noose around his throat and jumped from the coach.
He landed spread-eagle on the floor.
"Dazai, stop messing around," Kunikida barked.
Dazai stuck his tongue out at the blond.
XXX
Chapter 2: Suicide attempts
Section 9
"Overdose: Steal the pills. They should be in his desk at work."
Dazai reached in his desk. He was going to attempt an overdose today.
He held up the bottle. It was empty. Dazai cursed. I must have used them up last time.
Kunikida smirked. Ranpo raised an eyebrow at the unusually smug blond.
XXX
Chapter 3: Women
Section one
"Hitting your partner when he proposes anything that includes death-either of himself or a woman-is completely acceptable and suggested. Kicking is also allowed."
"Would you mind committing a double-" Dazai clutched his head in pain. "Kunikida," Dazai complained.
"I apologize for him, ma'am." Kunikida bowed to the stunned lady.
The blonde then dragged his partner back to the office, where a stack of paperwork waited to be completed by the brunette.
XXX
It only took that day for the guidebook to become required reading for all ADA members.
XXX
TheFlyingSlug: How'd it go?
TheFlyingSlug: Want to meet up?
Pragmatic_Idealist: Sure.
Pragmatic_Idealist: Place and time?
TheFlyingSlug: Ten, a bar called Lupin
Pragmatic_Idealist: Alright.
Pragmatic_Idealist: I'll be there.
XXX
The bar was small and secluded. It was homely, in a way that was weirdly familiar to everyone who came there.
The smell of smoke drifted past Kunikida's nose. Chuuya took another drag of his cigarette. A cat meowed and jumped down from the stool it had sprawled on.
The Mafia executive turned his head to see who entered. The bartender nodded towards the newcomer.
Kunikida thoughtfully looked around the small room. "I've never been here before. How'd you find this place?"
"It's neutral territory, an old haunt of mine. A few friends of mine and I would meet up here for drinking every once in a while."
Kunikida nodded in understanding and sat to Chuuya's right.
The two ordered drinks and made small talk about things going on in Yokohama.
Finally, the mafia member decided to bluntly ask about the elephant in the room. "How'd it go? Well I expect?"
"Very well. I am indebted to you," Kunikida admitted and nodded towards Chuuya. "How'd your day go?"
"The usual. Paperwork, fighting, and trying to get Akutagawa to realize that killing people won't solve all of his problems," Chuuya grumbled.
Outside, a man walked down the foggy alley towards Lupin's door. The creak of floorboards alerted the three already inside to the presence of a new person.
"Whoops," the man commented cheerfully.
"Dazai," the man's two partners said together with annoyance.
The brunette collapsed into the chair beside Chuuya.
"Whiskey, on the rocks," Dazai ordered. Kunikida took a sip of his drink, and Chuuya exhaled a wisp of smoke.
"Why are you here?" Chuuya bluntly questioned about the elephant in the room. Dazai dramatically shrugged.
The bartender placed the whiskey in front of the brunette. The former mafia member took a sip and then stuck his tongue out at the two men to his left.
"What?" Kunikida asked with a sigh. It seems that the two men would be getting the answer tonight at least.
"It's not fair for you two to team up. I can't commit suicide or do anything fun with both of you on my case," Dazai complained.
The two in question rolled their eyes. "That's the point," they replied in exasperated unison.
XXX
Reviews for How to Handle Your Suicidal Partner by Chuuya Nakahara
Workalcoholic67: Thank God this exists.
Pragmatic_Idealist: Very useful, saved me a lot of time and patience.
1 Reply to Pragmatic_Idealist: Workalcoholic67: Same
AnActualDoctor: Amusing and insightful. Some less-forward methods to deal with the person would be appreciated.
Omake-Foreword
If you deal with someone who regularly attempts suicide, constantly flirts with women, and annoys the crap out of you, this book is for you. If the person you're dealing with is Osamu Dazai, I suggest you buy this book immediately.
-Chuuya Nakahara
A/N
Pragmatic_Idealist=Kunikida
Workalcoholic67=Ango
AnActualDoctor=Mori
TheFlyingSlug=Chuuya.
Slug:1. Dazai's nickname for Chuuya (in BSD and real life). 2. Slug can also mean a shotgun bullet.
-Silver