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I would like to be the air,
that inhabits you for a moment only,
I would like to be that unnoticed,
and that necessary.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Nothing comes of their research.
They spend the whole of weekend holed up in the neighbourhood cyber café, reading up on sites, comparing notes, researching theories, but nothing they wish to believe turns up. The experiences shared by people on uncertified forums, organised interviews on the certified reports, all confirm Rukia and Renji's worst fears. There are people who talk of the symptoms of finding their soulmates, of the pain of watching them from afar. There are also those who got too close and ended up with restraining orders. By sunday evening, Renji is so irritated he almost breaks the computer and Rukia is saved the embarrassment by an unexpected call from Momo Hinamori, high school classmate and friend.
"I need help," her voice gushes hurriedly, and Rukia instinctively raises her eyebrows.
Momo had been one of her only friends in school, apart from Renji. She was cuteness personified, a Chihuahua trapped in human body, and the school topper.
Rukia had, of course, flashed on her as well. But the flashes had been restricted, just the same smiling face, and a memory of both of them striding someplace in Japanese hakushos. The ringing had been softer, and that was the first time Rukia had realised her flashes were different for people she had not known very well in her previous life.
It had been a while since Rukia had heard from her, them having gone their separate ways. They were still friends, occasionally catching up whenever their schedules matched, and Momo had the uncanny ability to socialise in a way that made the time gaps seemingly disappear.
"I am failing Literature so bad and so I am getting tutored by this really smart guy I don't know and it's kind of freaky and Shiro is not free and I heard he is majoring from your university and I need you to come and just sit and make it less awkward." There is a deep inhale from across the phone, and Rukia blinks her eyes. She wants to ask Momo to repeat, but also kind of doesn't want to. Renji is giving her strange looks, his fingers flexing from where they had been gripping the computer.
Momo solves the problem for her. "Meet me monday evening at Le15, five p.m.? Great, see you there!" and just like that, the dial tone is blaring in Rukia's ears. She thinks she is annoyed, but mostly disoriented, like a hurricane carried her over and suddenly dropped her in the middle of nowhere. Renji anchors her by lightly punching her arm, his disgruntled expression deepening.
"Momo called," she says by way of explanation, and Renji nods. "Coffee?"
Rukia smirks.
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"Do you believe in soulmates?"
Rukia looks up at Momo, albeit startled. This is a strange conversation topic for someone only two meetings old, but the brunette's eyes are trained on her face, eyebrows furrowed and clenched palms on her chest.
"Um," Rukia starts, and then pauses, deciding offense is the best way to go. "Do you?"
She expects an argument, but gets bright eyes and excited jumping in turn. "I do! They have to exist. I think there is someone you share a bond, a destiny with. That person you meet in this lifetime, will be someone you have known in a different life. You have something, this spark, this-"her hands are gesturing wildly, flecks in her eyes dancing, "undeniable pull towards him. They are irreplaceable, and every moment is breathless yet calming. You love them in a way you will never love anyone else, and it's a love that doesn't die with death."
Rukia thinks of the little kids she befriended during her childhood, and her mind conjures up the image of them dying at the hands of the monstrous hollow. She thinks of the parents she never had the chance to meet. She thinks of Renji, and the last time they met which ended in an unanticipated farewell. She thinks of the noble aristocrat of her 'brother' who has adopted her but refuses to spare one glance her way, too grief struck to stare at the reflection of someone he once loved.
And she knows.
"I think I would rather not have a soulmate." Rukia says quietly.
"What?" Momo gasps, her eyes widening. "Why not?"
Rukia is silent for a while. It is too personal to say to someone she barely knows, but her lips yield when she looks at that unassuming face. "It would be painful to stay with someone who you love as you breathe, knowing he could leave you one day. Whether willingly or not."
Momo is not saying anything, just looking at her with a softness that rubs Rukia the wrong way. So she has to add, "Not saying I won't marry for love," she smiles slightly, "but that person probably won't be my soulmate."
Decades later, when Kaien dies in her arms, Rukia knows she was right.
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Sourwolf15asks:
How did you know he / she was your soulmate?
Answers:
1. Princesspowers,I am a wanderer in the land of unrequited (45k views, 23k votes)
The moment I saw him, I stopped breathing. In the most literal sense of the word.
We were on either sides of the road. There were people around, your regular busy weekday, but there he was, a zebra crossing away, and the moment my eyes met his a migraine the size of a hurricane hit me. My brain started spinning, there was suddenly an acute lack of oxygen, and I couldn't breathe anymore. For some strange reason, my eyes warmed up with tears and I nearly collapsed there, on the very sidewalk itself… (read more)
2. Redknotbitch, day sassy, night sassy, all time sass (39k views, 20k votes)
Well. I thought I was having a heart failure.
Your breath falls short. Your heart starts hammering like crazy. Your brain feels like it is splitting. Your limbs are frozen, suddenly heavy lead. And no, it is not a crush, because unlike when you see a crush, on seeing your soulmate a) you literally start dying, without actually reaching death. b) you know. You just do. It is difficult to explain to someone who has never had a soulmate, but you know it instinctively from within, like a voice inside you blaring through loudspeakers.
It is the strongest instinct you will ever have.
Rukia sighs.
She is walking towards the coffee shop, dressed warmly in leggings and an oversized plaid shirt. Autumn is beginning to die, giving way to cooler mornings and colder nights. She gets cold very easily, but winter is her favourite time of the year. The feel of the breeze nipping at her skin, snowfall blanketing the city in its brilliant white, creates in her an inexplicable ecstasy. Maybe it is the snow angels, she thinks.
She locks her phone screen and pockets it on reaching the coffee shop. The bell chimes as she pushes open the door, walking into the warmth of hustle bustle and the strong smell of caffeine hits her nostrils. Instinctively she inhales deeply, smiling a little. Her taste buds are already salivating in anticipation of the latte, and she makes her way to the coffee counter, eyes scouring the chalk board. There is no line at the counter, and so she quickly places an order, biting a smirk when the guy behind the counter asks for a name and she says "Death god."
It's an internal joke. Between herself and herself… from the other life.
She is very disappointed when the guy at the counter spares her a dull look before shrugging and scrawling the name on her cup. Huffing slightly, she readjusts the shoulder strap of her side bag, looking around the coffee shop to find Momo.
Her eyes find Ichigo.
Who is staring back at...her?
OH MY GOD.
Her heart beats go out of sync, sweat beginning to build on her forehead. She forces herself to breathe in, and then out, and then in, and then out, resolutely tearing her gaze away from his and stomping towards the other end of the counter to collect her coffee. The coffee guy shouts "Death God" before she can reach, and she just wants the floor to swallow her up now. Ichigo would have definitely heard that, he is sitting only two tables away, near the window.
"Rukia?"
Momo's confused voice slices through her internal yelling session, and immense relief floods Rukia's senses. Momo is here, her saviour, she could almost kiss Momo right now-
Till she whips her head around, finding Momo seated opposite Ichigo, her back twisted to face Rukia.
There is silence. A silence so profound, so long, her brain scouting Momo's words from the conversation the day before, painstakingly arranging and rearranging the words tutored, this guy I don't know, your university, Ichigo.
When it clicks, and when she is done having a heart attack, her brain moves on to making plans of escape.
"Death god?" the guy at the coffee counter asks, just as loud as before, and Rukia knows her stars are not aligned the right way today.
So she grabs the coffee and makes her way to Momo, resolutely avoiding looking in Ichigo's direction.
"Hey," she says, and almost winces at the gravel undertones of her voice.
Momo is smiling at her, eyebrows scrunching in light bemusement. "Are you… okay…?"
Rukia wonders if her heartbeats are drumming heavy metal in everyone else's ears as well. "Of course. Why would you ask that?" And then, in a move that has her brain screaming what the fuck, she turns to look at Ichigo, working up the biggest smile she can. "You must be her tutor. Nice meeting you. I am Rukia, a friend of Momo's."
She finishes it off with a polite nod - she is not sure if she can sit unscathed through a handshake - quickly turning back to face Momo and tune out Ichigo's rapidly scowling face.
"So I have this paper I need to prepare for. You guys carry on, I will just," she drops her bag on the table, removes her headphones, tapping them rhythmically, "carry on my reading. Peace out."
Momo opens her mouth to say something, her lips fumbling unsurely, before she exhales, shaking her head and fixing Rukia with a look that tells Rukia everything she needed to know about her luck at winning an Academy.
She thinks the worst is over, now she just has to sit a few hours in her soulmate's presence firmly denying his existence, but life is never that easy. Her hands have barely taken out the thick bound Plato: The Sun, when the voice she knows by heart speaks up. "You are rude."
She knows she should be offended, maybe throw a few choice words, but her skin is tingling with the awareness of his eyes fixated on her and her heart is somersaulting to the tune of yay he spoke to me! With great effort she stomps down the urge to smile, thinking whether to pretend she never heard him-
"Are you even alright up there?"
And then her head is whipping around, eyes glaring daggers at Ichigo. "Excuse me?"
He is scowling at her, and oh god, his eyes are the dying embers of fire. "You have been strangely rude for a while now. Almost every time we've met, actually."
She has to raise an eyebrow, or she's afraid she will smile. "Oh? Maybe that is just your perception."
The lines on his forehead are getting deeper, and she can sense the anger in his words. "Is that how you are going to talk yourself out of this?"
This time, she smiles at him, so exaggeratedly, she can feel the goose bumps on her own skin. "Not at all. Hi Ichigo. Hi again. Oh, and hi again! How do you do? I am so sorry for not treating you like the centre of my existence, which I am sure, a lot of people do. And you know what? I won't anyway. Because I don't give two cents about you."
Momo is gaping, Ichigo's eyes are wide, and Rukia is still smiling, her brain short-circuiting. She keeps smiling till Ichigo starts growling, his hands coming down with a loud thump on the table. "What the fuck did you just-"
"We are here for Momo," she interrupts him calmly, managing to look him in the eye without gasping for air. "Let's just get on with it, and pretend the other does not exist for the next few hours." She pauses. Then, "what do you even care what I think?"
It feels like her chest is caving in, even as she steels her face and watches him in her best attempt at a poker face. Ichigo is staring back, the frown lessening, before mumbling something under his breath and looking at Momo.
Momo, who is now looking at Rukia with wide eyes, but Rukia just ignores her, putting on her earphones and drowning herself in Halsey's colours.
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They sit there for four hours. Momo and Ichigo are engrossed in studying, or at least Rukia assumes so – she hasn't taken off her headphones, not once.
She hasn't taken her eyes off him, either.
The book is strategically positioned in her hands, just high enough that she can catch Ichigo's face over her book. When her arms start hurting, she places the book on the table for a few minutes, shaking back the blood flow in her arms, before resuming her eye-stalking.
There are moments when she is able to put her instincts aside and study Ichigo objectively. He has a sharp face, beautiful eyes, thin lips, high cheekbones, which definitely makes him handsome. He has a defined body, lean muscles stretching the black purple sleeves of his shirt. He is extremely fit, bordering on lean.
He is scowling, and then he is not; then he is frowning a little, and then his face is blank. But the little crease between his eyebrows remains, and she thinks it makes him look hot in the whole bad boy way.
She notices other things too.
He drinks espresso, and drinks it scalding hot. He keeps his phone on silent, only checking once every half hour. His fingers are dead still on the book when Momo is solving a question, and he often looks out the window, eyes lost in the distance. When he is reading a passage from the book, his eyes dance a little, and his voice picks up and drops in sync with the characters' (she knows this because occasionally, she switches off the music and just listens to him talk). His eyes light up, a little bit like the lights in Christmas, when he reads a Shakespearean passage. He keeps stretching his body in between, flexing his fingers and craning his neck.
But not once do his eyes look her way.
She is happy about the lack of attention, but a larger part of her is keening, trying to reach out for him with invisible hands. He is right there, a diagonal length on the table away; if she bends a little over the table, her hands can reach his, and she can weave her fingers through his long, warm ones. At least she thinks they are warm, maybe she could check for herself-
And then she knows this is no longer an objective observation, so she shuts her book and taps it against her forehead, one tap two tap three tap-
Someone coughs and Rukia looks sideways at a grinning Momo. "We are almost done, so you could leave, you know." She is saying, and Rukia is exhaling in relief before she can stop it. She knows it sent the wrong message when Ichigo tenses up. But it would be silly to justify; she has to get away from him anyway, right?
So she packs up her books, getting up to embrace Momo in a side hug and nodding at Ichigo with what she hopes is a polite smile. He stares back at her defiantly, face fixed in a scowl, and she is about to make a snarky comment when-
"Rukia Kuchiki?"
Okay. The day officially got worse, she thinks.
Outwardly, she whirls and smiles tightly at Ishida. "Ishida." She says, trying and failing to keep the disdain out of her voice.
He is staring at her, and then at someone behind her, and then back at her. A questioning eyebrow is raised her way. "You are here."
"As are you." She retorts.
He is tilting his head, studying her like a guinea pig. "This is… unexpected."
She narrows her eyes at him. "I am just leaving."
"Would you like me to walk you home?"
That is unexpected. And creepy. But she hides it underneath a smile. "That's quite alright. I can make it back on my own."
"It is quite dark right now," he begins, and then pauses. His eyes dart towards Ichigo, and Rukia knows what he is going to do, so she immediately starts backing off. "I have a ride home! Some ways from here… I will be absolutely fine. See you tomorrow same time, Momo!"
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They fall into a routine over the next few weeks.
Rukia gets through university during the day, meets Momo every alternate weekday evening at the Le15, ignores Ichigo just enough that he doesn't notice her eye-stalking, and avoids Ishida like plague when he starts showing up at the study sessions more often than she'd like. Apparently he is a close friend of Ichigo's, though both of them say otherwise. They bicker often, Ishida snippy and Ichigo snippier, every argument of theirs ending in the shop waitress giving them a stern warning.
For some insane reason, Rukia likes watching their interactions. It feels familiar, like a lullaby from childhood, a word on her tongue but caught between her teeth. She is almost sure they shared this begrudging friendship in their previous life, but she can't recall her position in all of this. Almost every time Ishida catches her staring, his mouth begins opening to start up a conversation, but then she simply points at her earphones, then her books, and gives a not really apologetic smile. He nods politely, but does nothing to hide the frustrated resignation in his eyes.
Sitting within five feet radius of the Kurosaki teen is still not good news for her emotional and physical states. There is still a sharp tingle along her spine when he scowls at her exaggerated smile; her heart still beats a mile on hearing his gruff voice; her cheeks always warm up on catching a glimpse of his stomach from where his t-shirts ride up on stretching. Sometimes she finds her hands reaching out for Ichigo, stopping them in their quest with gritted teeth. Her emotions are all over the place, a losing tug of war, happiness and longing and sadness and excitement balled up in the lump in her throat.
She thinks she is doing a good job of hiding it till Momo corners her in one of the coffee shop washrooms during one of their breaks, two weeks into their study sessions, and demands answers. Rukia makes excuses, waves her off, smiles for a good measure.
Momo refuses to budge.
So Rukia finally says, "He might be my soulmate."
Momo is silent after that, for the rest of the day, for the remaining three days of the week. On Saturday morning (after another sleepless night) Momo shows up at her apartment, piano recital concert tickets in her hand, Renji in tow.
They spend the weekend listening to Chopin's Scherzo No. 2 and Philip's Metamorphosis.
It is the Monday in the first week of December when she shows up to the coffee shop, not too early and not too late, to find Ichigo sitting alone at their table.
She looks around, then some more, and realises Momo is not there.
Where are you?, she texts Momo.
House hunting with Shiro, the reply comes instantly. Just reached home. Be there in a bit!
Rukia curses under her breath. Should she just walk out? Ichigo probably hasn't noticed her, and even if he has – who cares?
She ignores the traitorous response that rings in her mind.
Then she realises the ringing is coming from the phone in her hand.
Keep Ichigo entertained, pls? Sorry don't kill me pls :(
Rukia decides to kill Momo on the next available opportunity. Piece by piece, part by part-
Ichigo is frowning at her. He is wearing a beige sweater over a white shirt, a dark muffler draped across the chair next to him. His profile is framed against the window, the snow laden street thrumming with humans and cars behind him. He looks like Adonis, broad shouldered and beautiful, and Rukia's heart resumes the endless marathon it has been running since weeks.
She finds herself sliding in the seat opposite his, trying to work up a smile, a genuine one instead of the exaggeratedly fake ones, but it doesn't come.
She has spent so much of her time ruthlessly tamping down the smiles from blooming on her face, that she has forgotten how to smile around him.
When he doesn't respond to her nearly inaudible greeting, she digs the books and headphones out of her bag. "Momo will be a little late."
In the ensuing silence that hits her harder than it should, she puts on her headphones, in the mood for some Landon Austin when her eyes fall on the book lying next to her hand.
"Wuthering Heights?"
"Huh?" Ichigo is looking at her, then at the book before returning a wary gaze to hers. "Yeah. What about it?"
She thinks of saying something. And then looks back at her hands. "Nothing."
There is silence for a few moments, and she can't help looking back at the book. It looks familiar, the cover bent on the front from where she once left it, and Rukia knows this book is not a part of their curriculum. It has to be…
"Is this book yours?" Ichigo's gruff voice interrupts her, and Rukia startles slightly. For a change he is not in her field of vision.
"So it is not yours?" she counters, her suspicions confirmed.
He raises an eyebrow. "Wouldn't have asked you if it were."
She doesn't reply, picking up the book and opening it to its index. Her fingers trace the beautiful calligraphy indented on the top of the page, feeling the roughness of the pages at her fingertips. "Did Momo leave it behind?"
There is a significant pause before she hears him say, "It got mixed up with my books."
She places back the book on the table, a little away from her this time. "Okay."
And that's the end of it, that is all the conversation they will ever have, she thinks, but he seems to have other ideas. "You read books?"
The indignation and surprise in his voice is so genuine that Rukia can't not take offense. She looks at him. "Obviously. I will have you know I have read all books in your curriculum."
He raises a disbelieving eyebrow at her. "Really."
Annoyance is gnawing at her body, even though her stomach is doing weird little Olympian flips. "For someone majoring in Literature, you sure judge a lot."
He is working his jaw, face twitching. "You have not really left me any choice."
She knows what he is talking about, but she has to ask. "Excuse me? What are you even-?"
"You know it as well as I do," he is saying, his face settling into a sombre expression, "every time you see me, you take off like fire is hot on your heels."
The problem is hot on your heels is on her lips, but something tells her he won't get the reference. At the same time, she doesn't know what to say to him, so she tries the time tested, play-it-dumb "what are you even talking about?"
His teeth are gritted, and he jerks back his head to the paperback Catcher in the Rye lying forgotten on the table. "Forget it."
The mood is completely gone, if it ever existed to begin with, and Rukia tells herself this is what she wanted anyway.
So it really surprises her when her mouth opens to say "You remind me of someone I once knew."
The words are out, damage done in the way Ichigo's face jerks up, eyes a little wide and mouth slightly parted. She doesn't know what to do, how to salvage, how to answer any questions he might ask now and make this worse-
But his face relaxes, comprehension settling in his features and he nods once. "Oh."
Silence reigns once again, and Ichigo is still looking at her, and Rukia wants to get up and just leave somehow. Her body tenses in preparation to get up and leave, when Ichigo's next words stop her. "Alice in Wonderland does not count, by the way."
It takes her a minute to comprehend the context. When she does, she is absolutely livid. "How dare you! Lewis Caroll is a god. It's like insulting Shakespeare-"
"They are not even on the same level!"
"Yes, because they lived in different timelines! And unlike Shakespeare, at least Lewis existed!"
Ichigo's jaw goes slack. "Did you just really go there? That's a conspiracy theory, for fuck's sake -"
There is a tremor in her stomach, and she has the biggest urge to stand on the table and do a whoop! "I am sure Christopher Marlowe would have to disagree."
"Someone who reads Emily Bronte has no right to say this."
That makes Rukia shut up. Ichigo seems to realise something is wrong for he stops mid rant, looking perplexed. The air gets awkward, worse than any other time, and Rukia realises the weird flips in her stomach have ceased, a whining sounding in her ears.
"I don't like Wuthering Heights," she clarifies quietly. "I kind of hate Catherine Shaw."
His face is an impasse, only the tone giving away his mild curiosity. "Why?"
She should have anticipated him asking, really, so it's her own fault. "She was so selfish. For a love that was not meant to be, because of her own obtuseness, she destroyed three lives." She finishes, not completely lying.
Ichigo's mouth is open, about to speak, when Momo bounds between them, all rainbows and sunshine. "I am sorry! I was out looking for apartments and it got late-"
Rukia looks at Ichigo, sees him blinking and frowning a little. Momo eventually trails off from her verbal tirade, looking between the two of them with suspicion.
Nothing changes in the study sessions. Momo and Ichigo still study, and Rukia still continues to cover her eye-stalking under the guise of indifference.
Only, towards the end, Rukia gets a nod from Ichigo as she packs her bag and leaves.
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She doesn't realise she is smiling till she sees her face in the bathroom mirror that night.
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"What's a lollipop?"
Exasperation is beginning to show on Ichigo's face, and Rukia vaguely wonders if she is a sadist for how much she relishes the look on his face.
"Why do you want to know." His face is still buried in the books, voice a deadpan.
Rukia tries for a casual shrug, fingers caressing the strays of her bob. "Yuzu told me about some guy getting her one."
The chair is suddenly on the floor, a loud ringing in the room. There is fire in Ichigo's eyes, body a tightly sprung coil. "WHAT?"
Rukia thinks he is being dramatic. She tells him as much in curt words.
He does not take it like a mature person, obviously. "Who is this guy? Why did he-"
"Is a lollipop that big a deal?" she cuts him off, beginning to wonder where she can find a lollipop.
He is silent a few seconds, before scoffing. "It's just candy on a stick."
"Of any significance?"
The silence stretches a little longer this time. "No." he admits quietly.
She feels laughter bubbling from within her throat. "So why are you overreacting?"
He moodily turns away his head, arms crossed on his chest. She doesn't feel bad, no, not at all, when her right foot extends from where she's lounging in the bed to kick him in the shins, making him yelp.
He is scowling, and she is laughing, and it is a great day to get some lollipop. She tells him as much, and he shakes his head before alighting his chair and flipping the pages of his homework. She thinks he is going to ignore her, and is already sketching the pros and cons of making a trip to Urahara's store when suddenly Ichigo is in her face, snapping his fingers.
She blinks just as he gruffly says, "Let's go."
He is already walking away, and Rukia is still frozen. She has a déjà vu, only that one ends with Ichigo growling and complaining as she drags him to the chocolate store.
The laughter is back, spilling out her mouth. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder, is it?"
Ichigo glares at her and spends the rest of their trip grumbling anyway, but it does nothing to dent the extra skip in Rukia's step.
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