A/N: Hey Guys here's a fresh new chapter!

Chapter 3: Degrade Wars

(Chapter name w/ Star Wars Intro Theme (John Williams version) as opening crawl starts)

In Beach-City, The Crystal Gem known as "PEARL" accidentally HARASSES Connie, thus becoming a SEX-OFFENDER. Infuriated, Steven disowns Pearl and TRICKS HER INTO GROWING MALE JUNK AND KICKS HER DOWNSTAIRS. As a result, Pearl is stuck in an awkward, painful and humiliating position. Despite this, her junk can REGENERATE AFTER GETTING HIT. Unable to flee back to HOMEWORLD, low on options and at the mercy of this crack fic's SADISTIC YET FAIR AUTHOR, Pearl decides to use said pain to her own advantage…...

(Theme ends along with the crawl)

A/N: The following contains some painful injuries and pee jokes.

*Outside Crystal Gem House*

(Using Megaphone while wearing a carney hat and jacket, shoes but only a speedo for her lower garments that reads "KICK ME" on the front and holding a cane whilst sporting a fake mustache) "STEP RIGHT UP! DON'T BE SHY! COME ONE COME All! FOR A $5.00 ADMISSION, YOU GET TO HIT MY UNPROTECTED JUNK! DON'T WORRY, AFTER A SHAPE-SHIFTING ERROR, I AM CURRENTLY STUCK WITH A PEEN AND TWO GONADS. BUT AS IT TURNS OUT THEY REGENERATE! I KNOW EVERYONE IN TOWN HATES ME AND AFTER CHECKING WITH THE FEDS, THIS DOESN'T VIOLATE MY PAROLE! SO COME ON DOWN AND TAKE YOUR ANGER OR PENT UP STRESS OUT ON ME!" Pearl announced as a long line of eager customers formed, the first customer was Amethyst.

"Hey Pearl all I have is a $20.00 bill." Said Amethyst.

(Puts down megaphone) "Well with $20.00 you can kick my nuts 4 times or you can choose one of these items!" Replied Pearl as she showed Amethyst a boxing glove, football, a big 2x4, fly swatter, school ruler, A Razzie Award for "Worst Picture" reserved for the upcoming Steven Universe The Movie by Rebecca Sugar, a golf club & ball and even a wiffle bat w/ a nail in it.

"I'll go with the club and ball!" Said Amethyst as she paid Pearl, put the tee into the ground, placed the ball on top and hit the golf ball with her club, causing it to bounce off a tree, a sign and finally a huge rock before striking Pearl right in the stones.

"YES!" Said Amethyst.

Greg and Garnet show up.

"Pearl what the Fuck are you doing?!" Greg asked.

"Hey Greg I'm charging people $5.00 to kick my regenerating junk!" Answered Pearl.

As Greg was about to protest, Garnet unfused back into Sapphire and Ruby.

"YIPPIE! HERE'S $5.00!" Said Ruby as she handed Pearl her money causing Sapphire and Greg to face-palm.

Pearl stands in front of Ruby as she uses a Falcon-Kick on Pearl's junk causing her to roll up in pain but still smile and give a thumbs up.

("Good thing this speedo is fire-proof!") Pearl though to herself.

While hesitant at first, Greg and Sapphire decided to pay Pearl so they could hit her nuts. Greg went with the boxing glove while Sapphire used the wiffle bat w/ the nail.

Gifted with seeing into the future, Sapphire readied herself, swings and…..

(Monty Python INTERMISSION card shows up with music as the nail-wiffle bat hits Pearls junk. Although the card blocks the shocking image, the music fails to drown out Pearls horrific, painful cries along with the sound of her profuse bleeding)

….. as Pearl tries to regenerate in a pool of her own pee-blood as she silently sobs to herself, Sapphire holds the now broken, bloody, nail-wiffle bat and poses like she's on a baseball card. While Ruby snaps a photo and goes all Gaga while blushing all girly, the rest of the attendees are pissed Sapphire broke the nail-wiffle bat before they could have a turn with it. Despite this setback, people still went and payed good money to hit Pearl in the balls.

As the day went on, Pearl kept getting kicked and payed, to the point where she could literally swim in cash. But with every business, there's always competition.

"Hey guys look, there's this other sex offender named Kevin who lives next door whose letting people squirt him with super-soakers loaded with piss for $5.00 each!" Said a bystander.

A/N: Kevin is a Pedophile, just watch his reaction to Stevonnie un-fusing and how he still chose to pursue Stevonnie even though Steven and Connie were underage in the show. Anyway, on with the crack fic.

As a result, Pearl's crowd went over to Kevin's booth. To make matters worse, Steven, Lapis and Peridot (in MAGA attire) were shooting piss-super soakers at Kevin as he wore a shirt with a Hillary Clinton campaign logo on the front. Pearl was startled but Steven told the frightened Gem that the limit was 5 ft. but Pearl still kept her distance. Although he wanted to see Pearl get in trouble, Steven also hated Kevin so after he, Lapis and Peridot finished, the sat on a hill to watch the upcoming battle between the two offenders.

For once in her life, Pearl wasn't going to give up that easily.

(Cue John Williams' Duel of the Fates)

Pearl stepped up her game by purchasing whips, chains and hot wax from an BDSM store causing Kevin's fans to run back to her in droves. While Pearl was recovering from all of the hot wax, Kevin retaliated by allowing customers to piss on him directly. As this was happening, Pearl would step up her game via letting attendees use stun-guns on her junk. Desperate, Kevin would let people throw piss-filled water balloons at his face. Refusing to surrender, a Hell-bent Pearl resorted to wearing a Chasity-Belt designed to look and act like a Mawe Bullet-Ant Glove complete with live bullet ants. (stingers inward) Kevin would fire back bay allowing people to bring their pets to mark their territory on him. Running out of ideas, Pearl was forced to repair the broken wiffle bat with flex-tape and swap out the old, beat-up nail with a new, higher-quality, sharpened one.

What started out as a skirmish erupted into an arms race as Kevin and Pearl tried to outdo each other by degrading themselves to get the most customers/cash. As the competition intensified, both events were shut down by law enforcement. Although the two didn't violate either of their paroles, they were having a negative impact on neighboring businesses. Pearl and Kevin had to fork over 90% of the earnings they each made to the businesses they had hurt.

"Well, time flies when you're having fun." Steven said, a little let down that the events had ended.

"Don't worry Steven, this crack story still has a chapter or two left in it. In the meantime, whaddya say you, Peridot and I head back to the barn for another BRAZZERS-style threesome?" Lapis asked Steven as she and Peridot licked their lips.

"Fuck Yeah!" Steven said as he and his 2 lovers went to celebrate back at the barn.

After the payments were settled, Pearl and Kevin apologized to each other and hugged. (Even though Kevin was still drenched in piss but Pearl didn't care) After the hug, they each went home.

A/N: Hey guys, my weekend is booked right now but I'll have the next chapter up sometime next week. Take Care!