A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long. I did zero writing over Thanksgiving break and it ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. I apologize in advance if it sounds rushed. I tried not to make it feel that way, but I also began to realize I was trying to fit so much deep conversation into one chapter because I really want to keep the four chapter theme as opposed to turning it into something longer. I hope it works out for readers on the receiving end anyhow. I also decided not to write in detail about certain other things surrounding the story because I wanted to focus so much more on Eriol and Tomoyo's relationship and leave those things more vague and on the sidelines. Hope you enjoy regardless. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters!
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"My heart timidly hides itself behind my mind. I set out to bring down the stars from the sky, then, for fear of ridicule, I stop and pick little flowers of eloquence."
– "Cyrano de Bergerac" by Edmond Rostand
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His eyes followed her as she stealthily slipped out of the dimly lit room, unnoticed by everyone but him. Everyone else was deeply absorbed in the moment, engrossed in each other's presence as their extremely eventful evening—thanks to himself—dwindled down to end at the karaoke bar, both bachelorette and bachelor party having merged together at this last point. Sakura-san and poor Xiao Lang were pressured into singing a duet to "A Whole New World" while everyone clamored around them, humming along.
Daidouji-san had held herself up the entire day quite admirably he thought. She kept up her smiling facade and supported Sakura-san wholeheartedly. But despite all that, he still heard small hints of her sorrow in the song she sang right before she left. She always looked angelic when she sang, especially tonight in her shimmering navy blue dress and her hair done up in an elegant bun. He had forgotten how beautiful her voice was—so silky, so smooth, yet also so…raw.
He would look for her soon after, he thought, when he felt he was allowed to excuse himself from the party. Besides, he still had a few points to be catching up with.
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"I thought I'd find you here."
She looked up from her drink, startled, and turned to face him. After realizing who it was, she narrowed her eyes.
"You were following me the entire time?"
"I may have cheated a little," he admitted, sitting down on the seat next to her at the bar and draping his suit jacket over his chair. He flashed her a charming smile and straightened his glasses. "Beautiful weather outside tonight, isn't it?"
"So you used your magic to stalk me?" she asked, ignoring his attempts at lightening the mood.
"Ah, yes. I thought you seemed upset that I used magic earlier today," he said, his smile faltering slightly.
"Just a bit…" she said sourly. "I felt a sense of déjà vu when Sakura-chan tensed up and said she needed to find Li-kun. Then I knew you must have done something—and don't laugh like that or I'll smack that smug smile off your face."
"It was just a bit of fun for old times' sake. Completely harmless," he said, holding his hands up in defense. When she continued to look angry, his expression softened. "Okay. I'm sorry, Daidouji-san. Really, I am."
"As you should be," she said disdainfully, crossing her arms.
"No, really," he insisted, bowing his head. "I can see that I've upset you and I'm very sorry about it."
He watched her closely as she sighed and fished for the cherry that had sunk to the bottom of her drink. He sensed that her distress was stemming mostly from the déjà vu feeling she described. If the events of the night had happened in the past when they were still kids, he wondered if she might've been amused at his little tricks and possibly even played along, back when they were all still young and innocent and carefree. But now—now she was neither of those things and he could now see how brittle her soul had become. In a strange way though, rather than making her seem more weak and cowardly, her brokenness only more fully enhanced her beauty and intrigue.
Looking up, she fixed her gaze on him again in annoyance.
"Why'd you follow me here?"
"I saw you leave early, so I decided to come check up on you," he shrugged. "I'm sure Sakura-san might be wondering why her maid-of-honor left without saying goodbye."
"She won't be," she said scornfully, leaning her chin morosely on the palm of her hand. "She'll be fast asleep with Kero-chan tucking her into bed after having such an exciting yet exhausting evening and dreaming about her wedding coming up in two weeks, which will no doubt be her perfect fairy tale dream come true because she's marrying the love of her life. She's happy and she will continue to be happy, because Li-kun will see to that, and that's enough to keep me happy."
"But you're not happy," he said, watching as she swirled the remainder of her gin around in her glass. She continued to stare down at her drink and refused to respond for a few minutes.
"I thought we agreed on a truce," she finally said, stubbornly avoiding the topic and refusing to meet his dark eyes. This was a good sign, he thought, because she was not denying anything, just merely avoiding. It meant they had progressed past the obstacle of her putting up false pretenses, although a glass of gin had probably helped the matter considerably.
"We did," he agreed. "But, forgive me, Daidouji-san—I just couldn't resist. You're far too fascinating of a person for me to ignore, love. For a piece of your mind, I'd be willing to make some significant trades on my part."
"Don't pretend to hit on me, Hiiragizawa-kun," she said rolling her eyes. "It's not going to work."
"Who says I'm pretending?"
"What on earth makes you think I'm so 'fascinating' as you put it, then?" she demanded. "And why would you follow me here when I'm sure you know I came here to be alone?"
"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," he said as he waved the bartender down. "It's clear from your demeanor that we're going to need much more alcohol," then turning to the bartender, asked, "Excuse me, sir, could we have a bottle of the Sauvignon?"
"A bottle?" she exclaimed, surprised. "Do you expect me to stay here with you for the next hour?"
"The lady doth protest too much," he repeated. "And no, love, I expect you to stay with me all night."
She glared at him as he thanked the bartender for the bottle and began pouring her a glass.
"You know my Mother's bodyguards will pick me up whenever I call?" she asked conversationally.
"Come, now, don't tell me you aren't enjoying this," he insisted, putting on his best Cheshire cat smile and raising his own glass of wine to her. He refused to back down from her piercing glare and they sat there for a moment, her glowering at him and him gazing at her with keen interest. Eventually, she raised her glass and, looking as though she was doing it against her better judgment, clinked it against his.
"Oh, very well. To insanity and regrets in the morning then," she said sardonically, and with that, drained the entire glass of wine.
"Slow down, or I might have to order another bottle to convince you to stay," he laughed, taking a swig of his own glass. "If you can last past the first bottle, that is."
"Don't underestimate me," she said. Then, holding her glass out to him, commanded, "Another," to which he refilled her cup graciously.
"So," she began. "Since you have suddenly and without warning annulled our previous agreement of truce, you're obliged to answer my questions truthfully. What makes me so 'fascinating' to the reincarnation of Clow Reed when people like Sakura-chan are in this town? And more interestingly, what really happened between you and Mizuki-sensei?"
"Do mine ears deceive me?" Eriol asked. "The lady has extended an invitation for questions and answers?"
"I won't promise any answers on my end as you were the one who initiated the nullification," she said defensively.
"I'm not quite sure it works that way you see, because you are the one agreeing to the questioning process," he informed her.
"Shut up and talk," she said rather aggressively. He raised an eyebrow, mildly impressed but thoroughly enjoying this departure from her usual calm and collected sweet self.
"Alright, Daidouji-san, you asked for it. Prepare to reveal your soul to me by the end of tonight," he said confidently. If he succeeded in peeling back her layers one by one, he thought excitedly, he would award himself with a point by the end of what was looking to be an interesting interrogation session.
"So let's start with this then. What happened with Mizuki-sensei?" she urged him.
Judging by the severe manner in which she was scrutinizing him, he resigned to telling her the truth. He had come far enough, which meant that they were already past the looking glass at this point. He let out a loud sigh and met her expectant violet eyes.
"There will not be a simple explanation," he began.
"I can't even imagine," she droned mercilessly. "Go on."
He drained his glass of wine and poured himself another.
"First of all, I'm curious to know. What are your thoughts about Kaho from the time that you knew her?"
She looked up at the ceiling and pondered his question thoughtfully before responding.
"Hmm, well I remember that Sakura-chan was very taken by her but Li-kun was very suspicious of her. It was amusing to me at the time, but I also knew Mizuki-sensei's intentions were pure because I could tell she cared for Sakura-chan and watched her with kind eyes. I didn't blame Sakura-chan for being taken with her. She definitely had a certain mystique about her, though not quite the same as the kind you have," she paused for a moment to think some more, drinking her wine as she did so. "Something that's always struck me about her is that…she always seems to just know things and once she knows them, she's very certain about them."
"I also knew she had some history with Sakura-chan's brother, which I must admit feels strange, but I also knew it wasn't my place to judge—which was the same course of action I took when I noticed something was going on between you two as well. Love comes in many forms and I'm not one to dispute that."
"Observant and insightful as ever. I wouldn't have expected any less from you," he said, raising his glass and toasting her. "It's true, Kaho is always very certain about what she knows, even if it doesn't make sense to others—those are the circumstances in which that tendency of hers is especially infuriating."
"Is that why she left you?" she asked tentatively.
"In short, yes," he confirmed. "And funny you should mention Sakura-san's brother because she told me the same thing she told him when she left the relationship. How she didn't think we were right for each other and was convinced I would find someone else I would love the most."
"Damn," she let out a low whistle. "I'm guessing you didn't accept it as readily as Touya-san did?"
"Correct, again," he acknowledged. "It was tricky. I thought that given the amount of time we'd been together, she would have given a more satisfactory reason as the basis for break-up, yet on the other hand, given the amount of time we'd been together, she thought that I should have known her well enough to understand her completely."
"But you're a sorcerer and you both have magic," she said, thinking out loud. "So…wouldn't you understand?"
"I did understand in a sense," he agreed. "But I didn't want to accept it."
"I don't think the two are mutually exclusive," she contradicted. "Not when you're talking about full and complete understanding, anyway."
"So you've fully accepted the fact that Sakura-san cannot love you the way you love her?" he countered.
"Actually—yes. Yes, I do," she said firmly.
"And would your answer be the same if she did love you that way, but then decided to leave you anyway?"
"To be honest, I think I would," she said after a thought. He stared carefully into her eyes and saw that she genuinely believed what she said.
"Can you really be so sure though?" he asked skeptically. "Despite how insightful you may be, your lack of experience, I'm sorry to say, might impair your judgment in certain areas. You wouldn't know because you haven't tasted. Ironic, isn't it, because we're talking about full and complete understanding? Don't be so sure you would accept it so easily if the same happened to you."
"Oh, so because I have no experience, that invalidates everything I think and feel on the matter?" she said angrily, glaring at him with the same fierce glow she had shown at the engagement party. She placed her hands on the counter and made to stand up but he quickly grabbed her arm.
"I'm sorry, Daidouji-san, I didn't mean it like that," he said calmly, willing her to stay. "I'm sure you feel exactly the way you feel and there's nothing wrong with that. However, we must be open and consider the possibilities of the different ways of how you might actually feel had you experienced what I've experienced. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to invalidate your feelings, but merely pointing out that you cannot be so certain about yourself in my situation when you haven't been me."
"But you don't think my answer qualifies?" she said, raising an eyebrow.
"Alright, sorry. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps you have more emotional finesse and a much larger capacity for love than I ever can hope to have. Perhaps you really would accept it no matter how much you loved the person. In that case, can you also accept my apology?"
"Okay, fine." she said defeatedly, seating herself back down. "But with what you're saying, it's basically impossible to fully understand everyone in that case. And if Mizuki-sensei really felt the way she did, you had to accept it regardless."
"You're right," he said. "I had to. But I didn't have a choice."
"Neither do I."
"Well, let's hear it then," he urged her.
"What?"
"Your turn. How do you really feel about Sakura-san getting married?"
"It's the same mantra. Nothing has changed. I want her to be happy, so if she is—and she will be, because it's Li-kun—I have nothing more to want," she replied. When she saw his doubtful expression, she opened her mouth to speak again.
"Look. I told Li-kun before he confessed that some feelings are better left unsaid. I truly believe that about myself. But I told him so because I knew it would prompt him to realize he couldn't leave his feelings unacknowledged and I knew Sakura-chan loved him before she realized herself. As much as it pained me, I knew they were a perfect match and that he could make her happy. But for me, some feelings really are better left unsaid because I can only love her from afar. If I told her, I would lose her completely. And in blessing Li-kun forward, I essentially saw it as me giving him both our feelings to pass on to her. So like I said, I have nothing more to want."
"How do you know?" he asked.
"Know what?"
"How would you know that you'd lose her completely?" he amended. "You haven't tried telling her so you couldn't fully know. Perhaps she'd still be your friend. Isn't that the kind of person Sakura-san is?"
"Yes, but…" she trailed off into silence, biting her lip. More to distract herself than anything, she continued to sip her wine as she contemplated the matter. "I think that I've just always been content with the type of friendship we have now and I don't want it to change."
"But it could be better," he argued. "Maybe your friendship would benefit from the openness and the honesty would just strengthen your bond. You have no idea how she would really respond."
She shook her head and looked down. "Maybe. But even if it did strengthen our bond, I still feel like it would be a burden to her regardless and I wouldn't want her to pretend or act a certain way to me just because she didn't want to hurt me."
"Well, that's not for you to decide, is it? And you're friends aren't you?" he pointed out.
"I don't know, don't ask me things like that," she said, sounding stressed and withdrawing into herself. "Mizuki-sensei was open and honest with you, but look where that turned up."
He considered her for a moment and then laughed. "I guess we can't win, can we? Although to be fair, that is precisely why our bond was much stronger and was therefore more painful to separate. But, yes, in the end, you and I both took a loss. Look at us—commiserating together. I must admit this is something I hadn't foreseen. In fact, there are many things about you that I haven't foreseen."
"Like what?" she asked dubiously.
"Well, I suppose it's not so much that I didn't foresee things as much as you simply surprise me from time to time with your complexity and your actions. And it appears I am now answering your next question: what makes you complex?"
She made a noise somewhere between a snort and a scoff.
"Did I say something unsatisfactory?" he asked, mildly surprised at this strange reaction and giving her a questioning look.
"It sounds rather hard to believe," she said disparagingly, to which he had opened his mouth to protest, but she put up a finger to silence him. "The only reason I am able to surprise you is because you don't actually expect me to. You don't expect me to be complex. And the reason you don't expect me to be complex is because I don't have magic—the confidence you show in us ordinary human beings."
"No, I don't think so," he disagreed, staring thoughtfully at her. "On the contrary, I'd show a lot less confidence in you if you did have magic because then your complexity would be harder to distinguish as wholly from your own self. Believe me when I say that your being complex has nothing to do with having or not having magic. Sakura-san, bless her soul, now has a great deal of magic, but I don't expect her to be more complex for it. In fact, she was chosen because she had such a pure and simple heart. It doesn't make her a dull person by any means, but the essence of who she is hardly ever hidden the way yours is. And the more work it takes to seek what is hidden, the more rewarding the object is. Now, your claim may have been true when you surprised me for the first time in our little classroom back in Tomoeda Elementary—"
"Which time was that?" she interrupted. "Remind me."
"Really? You don't remember?" he asked. She looked at him expectantly. "Alright. I was watching you when you were watching Sakura-san and I came up behind you making a comment about how you watch her with kind eyes, and you said—"
"Same as you, Hiiragizawa-kun," she said, mimicking the exact same sweet voice she had used all those years ago. She laughed at his expression.
"I just wanted to hear you admit that you were spying on me and that I successfully threw you off guard as an eleven year old," she said deviously.
"Do rub it in, why don't you, Daidouji-san?" he said. "I almost think I shouldn't be complimenting you anymore."
"Almost," she said emphatically. "But tell me. How can you say I'm complex or fascinating when you don't really even know me?"
"Don't I, Daidouji-san?" he challenged, refilling his glass and taking another drink. "Alright, let's see. From the time that you were eleven, I noticed, as I mentioned before, the way you looked at Sakura-san. I thought, then, that I had seen the extent of your feelings and emotions. I thought that I had seen the full scope of how you love. But as it turns out, I was wrong. The magnitude of how you feel and love runs much deeper than I thought and even now, I'm realizing I still haven't seen the full extent of it. And I wonder if perhaps no one will ever see the full extent of it, not even yourself."
"You'd be a fool not to see it, Daidouji-san," he continued. "You're one complex person. And it's because of the choices you make, the capacity for not only a wide range of feelings, but feelings that run deeper than the naked eye can see—there's an air of mystery about you because of what you show and what you hide. Even your masks have masks and at the end of the day, I think some of your masks aren't really even masks, and it's not as easy to differentiate as I would have thought."
"Sorry? Explain what you mean by the masks," she said uncertainly.
"Well," he said. "There's the fact that you talk and act in selfless ways. One would think your selflessness is only a mask to cover how you really feel. You claim that as long as Sakura-san is happy, you would be too. But with you, you genuinely want that happiness for her. I've seen countless people who only ever did selfless things for selfish reasons, but you're an outlier. Do you have any idea how rare it is to find someone who genuinely strives to be purely and completely selfless, acting above and beyond their own desires? As long as Sakura-san is happy, you will be happy, though you won't really be happy, but you really do care and put others before you. So in the end, even if you end up lonely, you wouldn't trade it for her happiness. It's a mask you wear,—and you have layers and layers of masks—yet they are all wholly you at the same time. And to think that you are able to contain all of that underneath the surface…I have no other word for it. It's quite amazing."
A long silence followed his words as he watched her evaluate his statements. She drank more wine and stared with unfocused eyes at a mirror hanging on the wall of the bar.
"I don't think I am selfless or amazing," she said quietly.
"Why not?" he prompted.
She remained quiet momentarily as she tried to carefully string her thoughts into words. "After you pointed out that I didn't have a real reason not to tell Sakura-chan, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just…weak, and too much of a coward to face the idea that I actually have desires."
"What do you desire, then?" he asked. She looked down and wrung her fingers together in silent frustration. "If you were completely and shamelessly honest with yourself, what do you really want, love?"
They sat in another long silence for a few minutes as he patiently waited for her to respond. The bottle of wine now sat empty next to them. She seemed to be withdrawing further and further into her own world as she thought about his question and her expression became grave. She stayed in her pensive state for a while; her eyes were glossy and unfocused as she absentmindedly continued to sip her drink. Finally, reemerging from the depths of her mind and looking as though she had come to a conclusion, she finished the last of her wine in one gulp and stood up from her seat.
"What I want—is to leave and go home," she announced.
"What?" he said in surprise. "Wait a minute—"
She attempted to grab her peacoat off her chair but lost her balance and nearly stumbled in the process.
"Careful, Daidouji," he said as he stood up to catch her. The sudden abruptness in which she stood up, he guessed, must have caused her head to whirl. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Home, I said," she repeated fuzzily. "I want to go home."
"Okay, okay," he said softly. "Let me help you there."
Seeing as she wasn't in a fit state to argue, he grabbed his suit jacket, left a tip at the counter and supported her weight with his other arm. Unable to protest, she allowed herself to wrap an arm around his waist. The scent of honey lavender filled his nose as she leaned feebly against his shoulder. He couldn't help smirking inwardly at the notion that he seemed to have touched a nerve even though she hadn't produced an honest answer…yet.
"It appears you've overestimated yourself," he chuckled lightly as he walked her outside.
"Shut up," she mumbled drowsily into his chest. "I just really didn't want to waste good wine and I would have felt even more terrible because you paid for it so I just had to finish it and end the night so you could just leave me alone and I wouldn't have to—whoops—sorry, now I'm rambling."
"An admirable sacrifice," he quipped. "One you needn't have taken. I assure you, you won't be able to get rid of me that easily."
"Shhhh, don't talk to me right now," she murmured irritably.
"As you wish," he complied.
He hailed down a cab and they were headed to her house. Grateful for being able to sit down again, she rested her head on his shoulder and nearly fell asleep. He watched her as she breathed slowly; stray strands of hair were falling casually out of her now loosening bun and he couldn't help thinking how much he liked how vulnerable she looked when she wasn't awake and alert. Asleep, she looked so delicate, so fragile, and the hard impenetrable shell of put-togetherness that she usually wore faded away to reveal a truly beautiful pearl.
Smiling slightly, he rested his cheek against the top of her head and continued to breathe in the sweet scent of honey lavender.
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"We're here," he said, prodding her gently.
She stirred and opened her eyes sluggishly. Taking his outstretched hand, she allowed him to pull her out of the car.
"Thank you," she said groggily as they walked up to the front gates of her mansion. He had never been here before and, upon seeing the large gardens and house all enclosed inside high brick walls on all sides, reflected that it must have been an interesting childhood for her to grow up in such luxury. He maintained a safe distance behind her as she approached her home but when she reached the gates' push-button on the wall, she stopped and paused there, unmoving.
"Is something wrong?" he asked. He took a few steps closer to see what her hold up was. She was merely standing there, staring at her massive place of residence and looking as though she was wrestling internally with herself.
"Daidouji—?"
"To be free," she said at last. "That's my real answer to your question. What I want—I just want…to be free. My whole life, I've been raised like a songbird in a cage. Sometimes, everything I do or feel or say just feels like a result of that and I'm stuck with all of this because I haven't known any other way. I don't feel like I can be free to express my song outside of these bars that have been holding me back my whole life."
He stepped up even closer behind her and tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder. She didn't turn around but he felt her shaking slightly and knew she was trying not to cry.
"You don't have to hide from me," he said. She inhaled deeply and let out a long weary sigh as though she had been holding it in for years and slowly turned around to face him.
He studied her face closely; her amethyst eyes were glistening but other than this, she showed no sign of tears. She really was beautiful in a way—in a very, very different way from Kaho, but beautiful nonetheless. Kaho was regal and majestic, with her own magic to support her. Tomoyo, on the other hand, was more simple and sincere without any magic of her own; yet upon closer inspection beneath her many layers, she really had a hidden beauty that was pure of heart.
"I don't think I've ever known what it feels like to be free," she whispered, her lips trembling. She looked wide-eyed and frightened but somehow this further show of vulnerability only exposed her beauty even more.
In a way, he continued to reflect, the nature of her beauty being so hidden made it all the more valuable once he took the time to search and uncover it.
He couldn't help himself from thinking it, but this was the moment that he earned himself a point. He smiled and reached out a hand to stroke her cheeks softly.
"You have the power to free yourself, you know," he said. "And you are one of the strongest people I've met in this life."
"You really mean that?" she asked, choking on her last word. When he nodded, the tears began to fall. Even when crying, she looked like a delicate porcelain doll.
"You know, Tomoyo," he said, tucking a strand of falling hair back behind her ear, "it's okay to fight for your own happiness sometimes."
She hiccupped when he used her first name and was momentarily so stunned she had stopped crying. Her eyes bored into his and her lips continued to tremble. He traced a thumb over her bottom lip to let her know he could feel her fears. Something was blossoming indeed, he thought, as he leaned in closer.
"So how 'bout it?" he asked, inches away from her face. He could feel her quivering breath on his lips. "Set yourself free."
Her eyes changed right before his—from helpless fear to blazing determination. She grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him in, closing the space between them. Her lips were even softer than he had expected, yet there was a mild fierceness in the way she kissed him that told him she was not accepting his challenge half-heartedly. Extremely pleased with her ambitious nature, he responded in equal measure. He nibbled gently on her bottom lip and felt her mouth open at once. Her tongue and lips moved against his incessantly and he followed her with increasing eagerness. Her hands gripped his collar even more tightly, his hands moved from her neck to her waist, their pace was quickening and—
Just as suddenly as it had started, it was over. She broke apart still leaning her forehead against his, both of them panting for breath. He saw the last of her blazing look linger for a moment before it extinguished and faded away behind those dark eyes and became dormant once more.
"That was—" he began hoarsely.
"Something that'll never happen again," she finished. He could see that her pupils were still dilated and her breathing was only just beginning to slow, but her tone of voice had become stony and emotionless. Letting go of his shirt collar, she turned away to the push-button box and entered in the passcode for the gate to open. Turning to face him one last time without smiling, she muttered, "Goodnight, Hiiragizawa. And um, thanks for taking me home."
He watched her walk towards her house and, touching a finger to his lips, grinned to himself. Whatever she said, he felt he deserved another point for that, which meant in his mind, they were tied. This made him realize two things. One, that he had been hoping for something like that to happen all along, and two—that kiss made all the effort he exerted to break her open totally and completely worth it.
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-to be continued-